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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • Dear Too Many Colors!

    While the esteemed Portia is correct in that one cannot alter the color of the "Rainbow Bridge", we at Pocket Trainer have found a solution to your problem. The phrase "rose colored glasses" reached into our very soul and inspired us! So while we cannot change the colors of the Rainbow Bridge, we can provide you with PT Tinted Spectacles ($399) so that you may view the bridge in your preferred colors!

    As to you other inquiry about spelling and grammar, we offer Pocket Trainer Dictionary ($49.95) along with the Pocket Trainer Thesaurus upgrade ($9.95). We developed this service when we realized that a great many of our younger clients were unable to spell out simple phrases like "Where's my horse!" and "Mommy will fire you if I don't win tomorrow!" Truly, this was a crisis that could not be ignored!

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

    Comment


    • Dear Formerly Drooped but now Stunning!

      We are afraid we cannot respond ot your inquiry. Pocket Trainer has a policy of honoring our clients' request for privacy unless they have specifically requested the Ego Stroke Upgrade ($995) to Pocket Trainer. Then, and only then will we reveal our connection to our clients.

      However, Pocket Trainer does admit that some clients are a work in progress and still others are so obscenely wealthy as to allow for some eccentricities in behavior. We always recommend a 1994 Chalone Estate Chardonnay when trying to decide if someone hacking and grooming their own horse can buy and sell you 5 times or is actually the groom.

      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

      Comment


      • Dear Pocket Trainer:

        I just had a horrible *thought*!

        I know I'm not supposed to think, but this has nothing to do with riding or getting my mount ready, so I believe it falls into the appropriate category of "related to using Pocket Trainer and paying its fees."

        We shall soon jet off to our quarter-annual horse buying jaunt to Europe (first class of course). Posie's new jumper seems to be stopping when she buries him at the 4'3" oxers and attempts to prop herself halfway up his neck. Horrid beast! Anyway, she shall need a replacement soon and in time to change his clunky foreign-language name to something dull and over-used (after posting a poll on the Hunter/Jumper forum), and register it with the USAE.

        My concern lies with the current world political atmosphere, which I have heard about from glancing at my "Ultra-Wealthy Arch-Conservative Newsletter." We are flying over on one of our own private jets, but will Pocket Trainer be mistaken for a terrorist's weapon and confiscated at the destination airport? I should simply perish without my Pocket Trainer and accoutrements!

        Signed,

        Terrorized

        Comment


        • To: Simply Stunningly Coordinated and PT
          Re: Personal errands

          I will admit to the eccentricity of running this (very important monogramming-related) errand myself, though I was driven there by my chauffer. This delicate and important task was not something that could be left to one of my minions, though next time I may simply leave it in the competent hands of my Pocket Trainer.

          Pocket Trainer, in the future, is there some sort of Pocket Bodyguard or filtering software that will prevent such cruel attacks which point out my eccentricities from reaching my ears? I fear it may effect my ego and ability to pose properly on my mount.

          Eccentric
          A Year In the Saddle

          Comment


          • Dear Pocket Trainer:

            Are you planning to come out with any kind of Personal Trainer attachment any time soon? I've gotten sooooooooo fat lately, I can't even zip up my size 2 TS.

            Sincerely,
            Pudge Pot

            Founder and president of the No-Legged Rider Clique
            Snap Dragon's mom.

            Comment


            • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Posie's new jumper seems to be stopping when she buries him at the 4'3" oxers and attempts to prop herself halfway up his neck. Horrid beast! Anyway, she shall need a replacement soon and in time to change his clunky foreign-language name to something dull and over-used (after posting a poll on the Hunter/Jumper forum), and register it with the USAE. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

              and:

              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Pocket Trainer, in the future, is there some sort of Pocket Bodyguard or filtering software that will prevent such cruel attacks which point out my eccentricities from reaching my ears? I fear it may effect my ego and ability to pose properly on my mount. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



              This thread is impeding my ability to breathe, I am laughing so hard.

              Comment


              • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                I fear I face a hard choice. According to your guidelines, I must be color coordinated at all times. But I do have one area in which my colors clash, and I fear I must make a change.

                My golf cart is tastefully painted in my barn colors of hunter green and gray (with burgundy accents) and also has my stable name painted on the hood. I believe I have done everything up to Pocket Trainer standards in this respect.

                Now to my problem. My 6 pedigreed Afghan Hounds, who ride in the back of my golf cart at all times, are NOT color coordinated with the golf cart. I have had them for 8 years and they are truly my best (possibly my only) friends. But I fear I must give them up and buy Giant Schnausers instead.

                Is there another solution to this dilemma?

                Signed,

                Worried in West Palm Beach

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                When life gives you crap, make crapenade.
                "He lives in a cocoon of solipsism"

                Charles Krauthammer speaking about Trump

                Comment


                • Lord Helpus,

                  You have inadvertently stumbled across the true inspirational factor of dressage. Some like to wax on about the power and the beauty, some about harmony and partnership. But deep down, it is the same for all true DQ's - black and white. It is classic, chic, easy to accessorize and you can even get your dogs to match.

                  Kisses,

                  Dressage Regina

                  [This message was edited by nhwr on Oct. 10, 2003 at 07:55 PM.]
                  See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                  Comment


                  • Dear Terrorized!

                    We here at Pocket Trainer sympathize with your plight. It is only too obvious that Posie needs an animal that can safely be dropped like last season's fashions, even if the spot could technically be classified as "an out of country experience"!

                    But we too occassionally read the front page of the newspaper before we check out the scandal page and have noticed some odd little turmoil in some desert somewhere. We also hear rumors of a crude and barbaric practice of taking shoes off at airports. Pocket Trainer is sure this is a ploy to part Pocket Trainer with her Via Spigas, and resists such attempts vigorously. Pocket Trainer encourages our well shod clients to do likewise, although we do recommend that you purchase our Pocket Trainer Federal Detention Package ($995 plus $350 per hour legal consultation fee) prior to doing so.

                    But Pocket Trainer has succesfuly made many transatlantic flights with no problems (shoe issues notwithstanding) and we have no fear that you will be permitted to travel in peace. However, if you are taking your Pocket Trainer Dart Gun and Doping Kit ($295 plus $49.95 per medicated dart) for prepping those Extra Large Warmbloods for the hunter ring, we recommend that you check it in as part of baggage. Or be prepared to shoot your way out.

                    In any event, we recommend a 1994 Tefft Cellars Reserve Merlot along with several muscle relaxants of your choice. This will make precious Posie's whining, er, conversation so much more bearable.

                    Yours in a Pocket!

                    Pocket Trainer

                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                    Yours in a Pocket!

                    Pocket Trainer

                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                    Comment


                    • Dear Pudge Pot!

                      While we at Pocket Trainer would wish that all our clients could partially disappear on side view, we have found reality to be so much more unpleasant. And this tragic inability to attain a perfectly reasonable size 2, even given that our records indicate that you are only 5'8 causes us great concern.

                      Fortunately, now that you are past your equitation years and considered over the hill, it isn't quite the crisis it used to be. While a personal trainer is certainly one option, the preferred option is to upgrade your mount to cover for your deficiencies. We suggest Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) and Pocket Trainer Search ($999, not including expenses and comi$$ion$).

                      We also recommend a 1994 Sattui Preston Vineyard Cabernet when contemplating a mount that outshines you, although we highly recommend that you forego all meals!

                      Yours in a Pocket!

                      Pocket Trainer

                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                      Yours in a Pocket!

                      Pocket Trainer

                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        Dear Pocket Trainer --

                        I am currently planning my annual trip to France for the release next month of this year's Beaujolais Nouveau. I hope we can plan on seeing a good representation from Pocket Trainer at the festivities?

                        I thought that this year I might combine my trip with my annual search for a new horse. The Germans are becoming so, well, done, I thought this year I might try a French model. However, it would have to be something that would not clash with the wine.

                        What color horse to you recommend for this occasion?

                        Desperate Not to Be Declasse

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                        "Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!" Danae
                        "Right on!" Lucy, Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003
                        "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                        Comment


                        • Dear Worried in West Palm Beach!

                          Pocket Trainer does not recommend changing dogs, no matter how dire the fashion situation! These dogs are part of your family, and provide companionship. But more importantly, their ability to work in a wild dog pack mentality and rampage the hunter ring whenever one of your more annoying competitors is having an exceptionally good trip cannot be understated!

                          Therefore we recommend one of two solutions. First, it is not lost on Pocket Trainer that black compliments everything. Consider a dozen bottles of Clairol Blacker Than Black, a hotel bathroom and Pocket Groom (Pocket Groom replacement cost - $395) as one option.

                          The other solution should only be considered if you consider yourself a flexible person... We suggest that you purchase another golf cart and have it painted to match your dogs, and have it parked near your golf cart at the ring, but not so close as to clash with your color ensemble. Think of the landscape view, and how they might fit in...

                          Naturally, when listening to screams of anguish and yips of terror from a dye job in process, we always recommend a 1994 Toad Hollow Merlot!

                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                          Comment


                          • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Pocket Trainer Federal Detention Package ($995 plus $350 per hour legal consultation fee) prior to doing so.
                            <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                            Comment


                            • Dear Desperate Not to Be Declasse!

                              Pocket Trainer commends you on your commitment to all things important in life, and wine is certainly one of them. Although Pocket Trainer expresses reservation about drinking a wine so young as a Beaujolais Nouveau, Pocket Trainer defers to the French in this matter!

                              Normally Pocket Trainer would disagree with you about being so bold as to step out of an obvious trend as a German horse, but Pocket Trainer was most impressed with the WEG performance of those hot little Selle Francais horses. Sadly Pocket Trainer must inform you that Selle Francais horses do have a fair smattering of TB and anglo arab blood in them, and could even be considered "sensitive". This may mean that you may actually have to learn to ride.

                              Which is why we are proud to announce our newest upgrade, Pocket Trainer Lessons Plus® ($9995 plus additional $495 per month subscription). Unlike the regular Pocket Trainer Experience!, with Lessons Plus® you will actually be called upon to ride! No more perching and propping on a half dead mount in your lessons. We will actually drill you without stirrups on an animal that hasn't seen a lunge line, liquid or otherwise!

                              We caution you, this upgrade isn't for everyone. In fact we think only a very few of our elite clients will be suited for it. As a protection to all involved, we require a PT Rider Temperment Analysis ($695) prior to permitting you to buy this upgrade. However we do recommend a 1995 Murphy-Goode Deuce Fume Blanc prior to taking the test. Another bottle is recommended prior to opening the results.

                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                              Comment

                              • Original Poster

                                Dear Pocket Trainer:

                                These Selle Francais horses sound interesting. As long as they have foreign names and I can say they were imported from a European country that distains us, that's all that really matters to be able to hold one's head up, isn't it?

                                Actually learning to ride? Hmmmmmm... This idea intrigues me. Perhaps you could tell us more about this concept?

                                Interested in Influencing My Equine

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                "Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!" Danae
                                "Right on!" Lucy, Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003
                                "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                                Comment


                                • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                                  Reading about these Selle Francais and other types of horses that may require actually riding, I am wondering if you might consider a pharmacuetically enhanced moduled of the Pocket Trainer? I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry.

                                  Sincerely,

                                  Dressage Regina
                                  See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                                  Comment


                                  • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                                    I have just recently purchased your system, and could not be more pleased with it's results. I do, however have one concern regarding my Pocket Junior. It seems as though she is being distracted by some of the "ring crew" at recent horse shows. In an effort to discourage her from fraternizing with such people, I explained to her that such activities reflected poorly on me. At this, she said somthing to the effect of "whatever," and marched back to the barn. I would have thrown a temper tantrum, however show mamagment has warned me that next time I do this, they will call the authorities and have me removed (they mentioned "agrivated assult," but I was not familiar with the term, and slaped them).

                                    Thank you for your prompt response,
                                    Fairly Violent

                                    Comment


                                    • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                                      My darling Posie is terribly interested in your Lessons Plus upgrade -- perhaps it is being advertised in her favorite magazine, "Blissfully Shallow Fashion?" Nonetheless, I have two concerns. First, will it detract from the time she spends on her exclusively private school's soccer team, drama club, audio/visual club, debate team, dance club, chemistry club (simply for college applications, of course; they mainly discuss various recipes for hair conditioners), as well as her standing manicurist appointments, hair appointments, facial appointments, therapist sessions, classes for kickboxing, spinning, tai chi, yoga and the requisite volunteer hours she must put in at some ridiculous nursing home, reading to the elderly (also solely for college applications, of course!). I am unsure if our live-in housekeeper will be able to drive her to all these appointments, or will I need to hire another domestic? I shudder at the thought of having my live-in housekeeper interview all the applicants, which may take time from her dog walking duties.

                                      My second concern is whether Lessons Plus will make Posie perspire -- it sounds like it requires a modicum of effort. We all know that perspiration, in any setting, is so unattractive and affects one's makeup. I fear that Posie's transitent exuberance for the common idea of "working for something" will repel all the desirable and eligible young men with futures as ruthless corporate CEO's, ruthless land developers, and ruthless politicos. *Gasp* she may run off with a horse trainer, if she can find one who leans toward that preference, if you know what I mean!

                                      One last question: does the Lessons Plus package come with something similar to the dressage seat belt I have heard about? That is the only way I can comprehend how one learns to "actually ride."

                                      Regards,

                                      Fainting From Fear

                                      Comment


                                      • Dear Interested in Influencing My Equine!

                                        Pocket Trainer is excited about your interest in Lessons Plus® - we suspect you may be the sort of client that celebrates personal achievement.

                                        While Lessons Plus® can improve your ability to ride, the product does require additional time committments fom you. No more only seeing your horses during the class and only during the class, you will now have to take daily lessons! Additionally, because we prefer to save your show horses for really important occassions, Lessons Plus® will require that you purchase at least three "practice mounts." Naturally these horse will still have to meet Pocket Trainer standards, so it's best to remember that one A rider's show mount is another A2 rider's practice mount...

                                        But soon you will actually be making (closely supervised) decisions when riding your horses! Think how confused your friends will be when you tell them that the final line coming home is a waiting 4 when they know you haven't spoken to your trainer!

                                        As always, a 1993 Clos du Bois Meritage is considered acceptable when contemplating how one makes 1450 pounds of horseflesh do something it might not care to do...

                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                        Comment


                                        • Dear Dressage Rgina

                                          As a dressage person we understand that you might not be as familiar with the Pocket Trainer Experience! as our hunter jumper brethren. But let us just say that Pocket Trainer has trademarked the phrase "Better Living Through Chemicals!"

                                          And while Pocket Trainer believes we have bought an exciting perspective to this particular field, let us just say it is a field with many experts. Almost a level playing field, as it were... Sadly this means that if everyone rides a chemically altered mount, then we still have to find a distiguishing characteristic. And so the Autopilot Warmblood was born. And now everyone has one of those.

                                          We at Pocket Trainer believe it might be time for the next wave... Teaching people to actually ride.

                                          It goes without saying that one should enjoy a 1992 Gallo Sonoma Estate Cabernet when contemplating an idea whose time has come...

                                          Yours in a Pocket!

                                          Pocket Trainer

                                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                          Yours in a Pocket!

                                          Pocket Trainer

                                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                          Comment

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