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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • Dear Clueless with a Screwdriver!

    Some time ago (shortly after you signed over all financial management and power of attorney to us), we took the liberty of rerouting your mail, UPS and fedX to our home office so we could properly manage all those trust fund checks mailed to you. As part of this service, we have successfuly diverted no less than 23 offers for cheap knockoffs and 3 actual demo models!

    Pocket Trainer recommends another screw driver (or three) to celebrate how simple your life has become!

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

    Comment


    • Dear Ditch Jumper!

      We refer you to our recent correspondence with Lost On Course to explain the special challenges presented by the eventing discipline. We also noted a trend among eventers to "do it themselves" which conflicts with the very heart of the Pocket Trainer Experience! (We do it ALL for you... for a price!).

      While conclusive evidence is not yet in, there are preliminary studies that show this regrettable characteristic has something to do with a prediliction for beer and pizza. So if you are an eventer who hates beer and pizza but likes going fast and prefers a hearty red with a sharp chedder, we invite you to consider our Pocket Trainer Jumper Experience!

      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

      Comment


      • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SloRider:
        Would Babs aka Kenneth Square love this or what! I can just hear her now.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

        We agree! That's why the Afterlife Franchise is an exclusive Kennett Square Enterprise! We even customized the program to require Absolut and Cranberry instead of wine. Anything to please our dear Babs!

        Yours in a Pocket!

        Pocket Trainer

        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
        Yours in a Pocket!

        Pocket Trainer

        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

        Comment


        • GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 23 offers and 3 actual demos??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can barely count that high, the thought of such harassment makes me swoon. Thank Heavens I have you to fend off such evils. How do you cope, it must be exhausting! Please please rush me a small army of Pocket Protektors to fight off any one who might try to force me to "groom" or "tack up" drink domestic beer from a can. . . the list of perils that exist out of pocket is simply horrific. What do you suggest I drink to calm my nerves.

          Comment


          • Dear Pocket Trainer:

            I like to walk my horse off the property to cool him out. He also seems to enjoy it. Unfortunately, he is afraid of the cows that occasionally come down to the edge of their pasture. Do you have some sort of add-on that will detect the cows and alert me to their presence BEFORE I leave the property? Or, am I doomed to join Lost on Course and Ditch Jumper in Event-Land?

            Thanks in advance,
            Boviphobic

            PS My other horse is not bothered by livestock, but he occasionally spooks at nothing and acts like he is seeing dead people. This happens on and off the property. Do you have any products for this?
            The Evil Chem Prof

            Comment


            • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> That's why the Afterlife Franchise is an exclusive Kennett Square Enterprise! We even customized the program to require Absolut and Cranberry instead of wine <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

              Dear Pocket Trainer,

              Oh precious pumpkins, Babs would be so pleased!

              To mention "Customized" and "Exclusive" in one paragraph naturally brings the tiara wearing diva of point chasers to mind. I am off to tipple from her reserved bottle of Absolute.

              I shall provide a nice M&C for our next outing just to commemorate the debut of Pocket Trainer on the market in time for the 2003 Holiday buying season.

              Friendship is Love without his wings
              -Lord Byron
              "If you would have only one day to live, you should spend at least half of it in the saddle."

              Comment


              • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                Yesterday, I dropped off a new baby pad and choker to be monogrammed at a local shop which, while extremely competent in normal products, has minimal experience with equestrian products. I gave them extremely specific instructions, and even took an old choker along to provide an example. Still, I worry that perhaps they will bungle the job. While this would give me a good reason to spend more money, it would also annoy me to have products ruined by someone other than myself. Is there some sort of upgrade I can purchase that would monitor the situation for me, or perhaps a program for Pocket Groom/Junior that would allow them to take care of all future monogramming needs for me?

                Worried that Her Initials May Be Altered
                A Year In the Saddle

                Comment


                • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                  Having just reviewed the results of my first year showing my OTTB on the local circuit, I find myself somewhat discouraged. Although I now fully understand and appreciate the benefits of never thinking for myself, I admit that I did try to do with less than steller results in the middle of the year.

                  My biggest worry going into next year is what wine to bring to the shows? My horse is a bright chestnut, and this year we tried some Piper Heidsack champagne, a Stillwater Shiraz, a Sancerre and a Pinot Gris. The Sancerre is a personal favorite and most refreshing, but my entourage felt at some points that perhaps my trademark Bombay Sapphire Gimlet might have been more in order, particularly before the rounds. The lovely light green tinge does look well with the chestnut, but is it truly proper? I can ensure a selection of antique shakers and martini glasses, but simply won't make a move without your guidance.

                  Waiting by the wine glasses...

                  Comment


                  • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                    Thank you for re-educating me about the abuse settings on my Pocket Trainer. Also, thank you for assisting Precious Posere (or "Posie"), my darling teenager who couldn't quite get her message across to us about WEF. Because we rarely communicate directly, my therapist contacted Posie's therapists, and the entire situation was worked out for an additional 75 minutes of therapy time billed at $455 per hour, plus all the Pocket Trainer upgrades you recommended. I am horrified that Posie thought she was forbidden from taking her two junior hunters (one small, one large), her two equitation horses (one for the USETs and 3'6" medals, the other for 3' equitation classes and flat) and her former grand prix jumper that she will show in the Low Juniors (flown just last month from the Gerbervurband in Germany).

                    However, we have a question. Seeing that colored braids and beads were all the rage last year, one cannot be too prepared by planning for this coming season's braids. Our braider (who puts exactly 62 braids into every mane, I'm told) may need a decision on colors, and this is our dilemma: my daughter's hunt coat colors are pale blue, smoke blue, grey blue, off-tan, medium blue tan, and pale medium off-blue charcoal (we don't want to spoil her, so the therapists recommend limiting her to just six coats per show). However, when our BNT schools my daughter's horses before every class, he wears his custom chaps, whose colors are bordeaux, ecru and a sass of oceanic blue in the needlepoint name stitched across the back. We are concerned that any color choice in braids/beads will clash with BNT's chaps colors.

                    I know that normally all decisions are left up to BNT and Pocket Trainer, but because this relates to fashion and a topic near and dear to Posie's heart, we don't think it is too common and vulgar to become involved in this portion of the horses' care.

                    We plan on posting several polls and topics on this issue in the Hunter/Jumper forum, but desperately need the Pocket Trainer opinion as the final answer after we deliberate and debate this question endlessly.

                    Signed,

                    Never too early

                    Comment


                    • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                      Thank you very much for your assistance in the wine dilemma! As both are indeed A/O hunters, the Elk Ridge Pinot Noir sounds like the perfect solution. However, my BNT has been hunting a jumper for me. Should I only consider a certain color of horse, to make my wine-matching easier?

                      Also, when only personally showing the grey, AutoParfait, is a 2001 Niebaum-Coppola Chardonnay acceptable, even if I chose to be driven down to the ring to watch BNT show the bay in the 1st years?

                      Now With Wine!

                      Comment


                      • Dear Boviphobic!

                        In checking our mail today, Pocket Trainer finds that the common theme may be "picking the correct environment"!

                        In your case, should you be one of those rare people who enjoys hacking your horse, we always recommend either purchasing the correct estate with appropriate neighbors or boarding your horse at the correct training facility. There is simply no need for your horse to ever encounter a cow, unless he is earning large sums of money in National Cutting Horse Association competitions!

                        If you feel some attachment or love for the current arrangement, we can only recommend that you either buy the offending property and have the cows removed, or offer to pay the current owner to grow hay instead of cattle. That solution may actually work out for the best, now that we consider it.

                        Barring that solution, we recommend the same solution for any problems/issues with one's mount(s): A horse buying trip to Europe! And as always, we recommend a 1995 Grey Monk Gewurztraminer when making reservations for a trip to Germany. It's not our favorite wine, but it does get you in the spirit of the moment!

                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                        Comment


                        • Dear Worried that Her Initials May Be Altered!

                          We at Pocket Trainer understand your fear, and share your concern! While Pocket Junior could very well be programmed to supervise this task, it would require critical changes to the Wine Pouring function, and this is simply not something that neither Pocket Trainer nor our clients is willing to accept!

                          But back to our theme of picking the correct environment... As an esteemed Pocket Trainer client, we estimate that you spend approximately 40 weeks a year at shows. Thankfully, at the great majority of these shows we find many vendors who are much more skilled at this craftsmanship than your average local shop. Your Pocket Junior is already programmed to oversee this function at an A2 show level!

                          In the meantime, we suggest that you order a new ratcatcher and baby pad, and pour yourself a healthy glass of 1994 McRea Syrah in order to ease the pain of what will be an inevitable loss of your current choker and baby pad.

                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                          Comment


                          • Dear Waiting by the wine glasses!

                            Pocket Trainer recommends you on your resourcefulness, but would like to remind you that too much thinking can cause long term issues in hunter princesses! But we at Pocket Trainer always appreciate a willingness to try a new wine, so all is forgiven...

                            First and foremost, we never recommend champagne, as the pop of the cork at ringside could interrupt the judge as he is talking on his cell phone. While Pocket Trainer hates to admit this ugly trend exists, it has been shown that certain judges will hold a grudge against anyone who interrupts their phone conversations. But Pocket Trainer understands that some people do not like the heartier reds with a chestnut, and that is certainly reasonable. Naturally this would make one think of something less bold, like perhaps a white zinfandel, but Pocket Trainer only recommends that option if by some chance you find yourself at a local show in the sticks with only a Piggly Wiggly at your disposal.

                            If one wants to emulate All Things A at all times, Pocket Trainer recommeds a red blend, or meritage style wine. We have found the Penfolds Reserve Cabernet-Shiraz to give on an excellent illusion of pretentiousness, while still allowing you to save your pennies to get out of Non A2 Hell.

                            Martinis, especiially well made ones are always appreciated, but there is a proper time and place for them. At horse shows, the "cocktail hour" is considered to be while your groom lunges Runs Through The Bit for 2 hours prior to your class, but you should always bring the proper wine to your class!

                            Yours in a Pocket!

                            Pocket Trainer

                            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                            Yours in a Pocket!

                            Pocket Trainer

                            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                            Comment


                            • Dear Never too early!

                              While Pocket Trainer admires your committment to proper protocol, but the solution is quite simple! Merely have Pocket Trainer arrange for the braider to braid twice! The first braid job should match the bordeaux base of the chaps, and the next braid job should compliment the jacket de jour!

                              The only possible complication we can foresee is if your trainer perchance needs to provide additional schooling between Posie's first and second round. But we have found in most instances that the trainer generally removes the animal to the "Back 40" for these rare schooling sessions, so the judge should not be blinded by the horror of clashing yarn and chaps.

                              Naturally, Pocket Junior must be upgraded with a Braider Detection Device ($195), as he will be required to hunt down and deliver the braider in a fairly short time frame. We also recommend PT Braider GPS Detection ($595 installation) As we have recently learned that some braiders resent braiding one animal twice a day, and have been known to duck the call, so to speak. With the GPS detection system, you will be able to track them down with a push of a button! (Additional $59.95 to upgrade Pocket Junior to GPS Tracking Mode).

                              We recommend a 1994 Stag's Leap Chardonnay to celebrate your breakthrough with Posie, and advise that you bribe your braider with several bottles of Jack Daniels before attempting to install the GPS detection device.

                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                              Comment


                              • Dear Now With Wine!

                                Pocket Trainer recommends that you stay away from chestnut jumpers or any jumper of the color variety, as the mix of beverages might make one ill! As always, we prefer traditional bays, but if you like excitement in your life, high white is acceptable.

                                As for the dilemma of showing the grey whilst merely viewing the bay, once again, picking the correct environment solves most problems! If you carefully restrict yourself to the more prestigious shows, you will find very few occassions when your first year horse shows on the same day as your A/O horse!

                                However for those occassions when you find yourself in a bind, Pocket Trainer always recommends appearances over comfort! First and foremost, while people will understand and approve of the pinot noir choice when you have a grey and a bay in the same division, they will not forgive you the same behaviour when you are riding the grey and only viewing the bay! You must observe proper protocol. We have found that a 1995 Villa Mt. Eden Pinot Blanc for showing the grey and a 1995 Villa Mt. Eden Pinot Noir for viewing the bay works especially well in these difficult circumstances.

                                Yours in a Pocket!

                                Pocket Trainer

                                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                Yours in a Pocket!

                                Pocket Trainer

                                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                Comment


                                • Pocket Trainer,
                                  I have been reading about the "Rainbow Bridge", and find the possibibilty of being able to "bring over" my prized possesion and show it off even after it is no longer "physically productive" as attractive as my most recent import. But the present "Rainbow Bridge" sounds unacceptable due to the color scheme, uncontrolled contact with the animals and the fact that it excludes no one. I would like to arrange for a Pocket Paradise Personal Portal no matter what the cost. Please begin the search for designers (European of course)and bribing the appropriate religous authorities immediately, as I want to be prepared in case ED should suddenly OD. I am envisioning engraved and jewel encrusted(precious stones of course, none of this Rhinestone ridiculousness) gates at each end with fully stocked bars every 20 feet or so in between, but as always I will leave all decisions up to you. I am sure you will make it not only possible, but effortless for me to "keep up appearances" should any of my high priced herd become "dearly departed". What is a good wine to sip should I ever have to pay my respects?????????

                                  [This message was edited by sweetnlo on Oct. 09, 2003 at 02:23 PM.]

                                  Comment


                                  • I hate to be a bother, but those of us who are truly pocket prepared have become so accustomed to our way of life that the spelling and gramatical errors of those who are "out of pocket" is becoming an intolerable nuisance. Could you offer a Pocket Printer to those poor souls on an installment plan, since it would be eliminate yet another bother from the lives of your pocket princesses???

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      sweetnlo, even the mighty Pocket Trainer can't change the Rainbow Bridge. That show barn is run by the BIG Pocket Trainer (even bigger than George Morris)

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                      "Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!" Danae
                                      "Right on!" Lucy
                                      Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003
                                      "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                                      Comment


                                      • Save us Pocket Trainer, you're our only hope!

                                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> we don't think it is too common and vulgar to become involved in this portion of the horses' care. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        I love the way Jambalaya thinks! I mean, it is incumbent upon the elite Pocket Trainer clientele to know when ENOUGH is ENOUGH and to not run around like berserk 4-Hers thinking we can actually handle the dreary routines of horse care. Like grooming and all.

                                        Exhibit A:

                                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I like to walk my horse off the property to cool him out. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        Exhibit B:

                                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Yesterday, I dropped off a new baby pad and choker to be monogrammed at a local shop which, while extremely competent in normal products, has minimal experience with equestrian products. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        Pocket Trainer, DO tell me that these 2 declassee heathens are NOT clients of yours.

                                        I mean ugh - why would you ever "walk out your own horse" or "drop things off" by yourself? Have you people never heard of the term "hired help?"

                                        Ta!

                                        Formerly Drooped About Drapes, Now Simply Stunningly Coordinated!

                                        Comment


                                        • Oh Simply Stunningly Coordinated, I am so heartened to see that we share the same values and notions of what is apropos. I don't have to tell you how frightened I am sometimes behind the gates of my exclusive and CC&R'd-to-the-hilt gated community (10,410 square foot home of course; not one of those other small 8000 sq. ft. boxes that the less fortunate can only afford toward the front of the neighborhood), thinking of the great masses wandering around drinking some form of wine cooler or *gasp* beer at the A2's, with the uncouth notion that a true horsewoman "does everything herself." I sometimes ask my darling husband (as we pass each other in the pass-through between our bedroom suites, our most quality time we spend together -- he's so appropriately busy with his board meetings and mergers, negotiating golden parachute packages, etc.) where shall we find those who are truly acceptable for our social level, since it seems the club will allow almost any common person in these days.

                                          So let's raise a glass of 1994 Stag's Leap Chardonnay together as we choose our braiding colors of the day at the next show. You may find me at our motorhome we occupy during the day (5-star hotel for the evenings, of course), unless I am riding, oh, what was my horse's name again? Nevermind, just find my BNT and he will direct you to me!

                                          Peeved about the Public

                                          Comment

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