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Moving Sooner than Planned and the Problems that Go With That

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  • Moving Sooner than Planned and the Problems that Go With That

    On another thread I said how we sold our house much quicker than we had planned which is wonderful for me, if it weren't for my son going off on one of his crazy tangents. I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post, but I really need to vent right now, so please bear with me!

    For some background, we have a little 8 acre farm here in Massachusetts and we have been so lucky to find an adorable young couple to buy it. They have been kind enough to allow us to stay until December 1. We already have a home we purchased in South Central Kentucky on 25 acres. Along with the stress of now having to get the barn and fencing up six months earlier than planned, my son with the emotional problems has left the house to stay with a friend after quitting college. We finally put our foot (feet?) down after allowing him to drop out of high school and try college and he decided it was too much work. We told him if he wasn't going to go back to high school, or continue to attend his college classes, that he was going to have to do some work around the house in preparation for selling it. In the mean time, we had allowed the aforementioned friend to also stay at the house in exchange for work. This worked for two days when he decided this too was too much trouble. We told him that we were done coddling him and that if he didn't change his mind about the work that he was going to have to get a job and that his friend couldn't stay here anymore. He didn't like that and moved in with his friend and his grandparents and now plans to go into Job Corps. Job Corps, for those of you who don't know, is a last resort live-in on-the-job training program for disadvantaged (low income, read and write at an 8th grade level) high school drop outs. He is hardly disadvantaged. He earned his GED without any prep and scored off-the-charts on the college entrance exams. He's a very bright kid with many emotional and mental problems, along with being an obnoxious teenager. Oh, and he's only 16.

    So here's my dilemma. Even if he does get into this program which I don't believe he qualifies for, I can't imagine he'll be able to finish it. It generally runs about 8 months. His goal is to get his license (they offer driver's ed) and learn a trade which I agree is an honorable goal, I just don't think he has what it takes to put up with the very militaristic atmosphere of this type of program.

    So say we move on December 1st and he doesn't want to come? Do we just leave him? If he's still in the program, that would be fine. But I want to plan the next six months so they go as smoothly as possible for all people and animals involved, but this is just driving me insane without knowing what to expect from this kid. Hubby says to just let things be and they will work out. My personality does not allow for such thinking. I want to be happy and excited about getting my dream farm in Kentucky and settling in and living happily ever after, but my son won't allow me to.

    Any advice?
    I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

    But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

  • #2
    Hubby sounds like a wise man. A lot can change in six months. Try to chill and let things play out. When it comes time to move you'll deal with whatever the situation, but since you have no way of knowing what that will be, why stress over it now? Plus he sounds like the type of kid who is oppositional so don't give him something to push back against. Lots of deep breathing and your mantra is "I know everything will work out for the best."

    Hang tough!

    Comment


    • #3
      you know, should he get in the program, he might figure out really quickly that the deal you offered was pretty sweet. Even if he does not finish it, it could be something that gets him to pull his head out of that dark and scary place!


      (well, since you got 6 month to prepare, don't sweat it yet, although I don't think 16 year olds can be left to theri own devices for longer than a few days... they are still too stupid!)
      Originally posted by BigMama1
      Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
      GNU Terry Prachett

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #4
        sevensprings - you are so right - he is a very wise man and I should listen to him. It's just hard because he is my son and I like to think I'm in control - yeah right!

        Alagirl - I think that dark and scary place is his butt! So yeah, that would be a good thing.
        I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

        But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Fessy's Mom View Post
          sevensprings - you are so right - he is a very wise man and I should listen to him. It's just hard because he is my son and I like to think I'm in control - yeah right!

          Alagirl - I think that dark and scary place is his butt! So yeah, that would be a good thing.
          yes, indeed. Hormonal induced recto-cranial inversion....some need a crowbar.
          (I am dealing with Boy Scouts...a lot of them, including mine are in that scary age bracket...)
          Originally posted by BigMama1
          Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
          GNU Terry Prachett

          Comment


          • #6
            I agree with try to chill for the time being. Look, I was brought up by a pretty hard headed Mom. I was such a hell raiser as a teenager that I got kicked out of the house at age 17. I survived, found a place to stay (with friends), found a job. I managed. After a few months I made it up with my parents, went back home. When I got out of college my Mom gave me 30 days to f nd a job and move out. I managed it. Some people might be shocked but I can tell you it made me the independent person I am today.

            I wouldn't coddle him. He's fine where he is for now, I assume?
            What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!

            Comment


            • #7
              At 16 I think you are still responsible for him in most states, unless he actually becomes an emancipated minor. You might want to check your state laws on what that entails, so he can't ever get you for abandonment, and you aren't held responsible for his actions, should he get into any trouble.

              Personally, I would give him a choice...either get home and follow your rules (incl job/school) or become emancipated legally. make sure he understands that if emancipated, he is legally "on his own" and doesn't get money/handouts from you.


              Off topic- If you haven't closed on your home you are selling, and the buyers are letting you put off closing until Dec, try to get them to close now. You can explain that mortgage rates may go up, so it's better for them to close now and that you would feel better getting everything done now instead of waiting, since you are going to be having to make a lot of financial investments in order to move. Then rent the farm back from them until you move.

              It's always a better idea for a seller to close right away. Too much can happen over time that can screw up the deal. Housing prices can drop, people can lose jobs, people can get injured/die and no longer need a farm, a relative can become ill so they need to move closer, or they see something they like better and change their mind. Just don't wait to close.

              My mom was in that situation when she owned a patio home in FL. She didn't want to move until May, as her other home is in NH, and she wanted better weather. The buyers were going to wait to close until then. I told her to close NOW. She did, and rented it back from them. The housing market took a dive and the houses like hers that she sold for 270k were now bringing 160k. She was the last one to make any money in that area. had she waited the buyers may have changed their mind/backed out.

              Comment


              • #8
                Excellent advice on all counts, Jetsmom.
                What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Jetsmom gave some excellent advice. Have you tried counseling? Not just for your son (although that would be a good plan), but for you and your husband to help find the tools to be able to deal with your son?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Good luck. Try to make peace with the idea of letting the boy fall on his ass a bit. He doesn't try not to right now because he knows you will CATCH HIM!

                    He needs to experience a bit of what its like not to be parented. Just don't let him have any credit cards while he's doing it.
                    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
                    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

                    Comment

                    • Original Poster

                      #11
                      Oliverreed - other than being under the influence of another ridiculous know-it-all teenager (the friend) yes, he's fine.

                      jetsmom - great minds baby! They do have to sell their house, but they will buy the house as soon as theirs is under contract. Lucky for us, it should be an easy sell. They listed it Tuesday and had three showings last night. As far as emancipation, I'd like to think we won't get to that point with him. I just think he's testing the limits of our tolerance and if we gave him that option he would choose to come with us - but who knows? Thank you and I agree with everyone else- excellent advice!

                      LauraKY - we've tried counseling, hospitalizations, medications, the works. The last meeting we could get him to with the therapist was with all three of us and the therapist was totally on board with our plan, which of course pissed him off. I know we should see one for help for us too. Maybe now that the house stuff is pretty much settled we could look into it.

                      Thanks everyone!
                      I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

                      But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        #12
                        Originally posted by Lori B View Post
                        Good luck. Try to make peace with the idea of letting the boy fall on his ass a bit. He doesn't try not to right now because he knows you will CATCH HIM!

                        He needs to experience a bit of what its like not to be parented. Just don't let him have any credit cards while he's doing it.
                        This is the stuff I need to hear. I just feel so mean - I can't help it! Like I've told so many others, it's just a tightrope we walk with him because we know coddling him doesn't help, but we also have to take into account that he really does have many emotional issues. Thank you!
                        I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

                        But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          FM-just remember that you feel guilty because you're comparing yourself to the 'cool mom' parent. They never let their kid grow up, and then when the kid's 40 and still living in their basement playing video games, the parent wonders where they went wrong. I think LoriB and jetsmom are exactly right, and after he has a bad month or so, he'll come back. And if not now, then after you move.
                          You can't fix stupid-Ron White

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Just repeat to yourself that setting limits and then doing what you said that you will do is NOT BEING MEAN! I swear it's not.

                            If you set policy and limits, and then he screws up, and then you bail him out / tolerate his failure to participate, honor commitments, etc., THAT is what's mean, because you are teaching him that there are NO CONSEQUENCES!

                            And everywhere else, there ARE consequences. As you well know.

                            You can be firm, direct, and say what you mean and do what you say without being a shrieking asshole. Really. I swear.

                            When he doesn't want to be bothered to do what he committed to do, ASK HIM what he thinks is going to happen as a consequence. Really ask him, directly. It will be an enlightening conversation.

                            I am only a lowly stepmom, but I swear, teens are just like horses. If you teach them to believe that you never mean what you say, they will learn it.
                            I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
                            I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #15
                              JanM - thank you - you're right! I know it's the right thing, but I think this is why there's an epidemic of adult children living with their parents because it's so much easier just to give in to them.

                              LoriB - I've finally gotten beyond the "shrieking a-hole". I'm actually quite proud of myself lately because that was generally what I would deteriorate into when I got into it with him.

                              I just took him to the Dr's for a persistent stomach ailment. The Doc feels it's probably IBS and prescribed him an anti-spasmodic to deal with the symptoms. He asked him if there was anything stressful going on in his life and he said "No". I was like "Excuse me?" and went on to explain to the doctor exactly what is going on in our lives right now including the dropping out of high school then college and now him moving out because we enforced some rules, as well as our big move to Kentucky. I think hearing me say "he moved out" was a bit of a shocker for him. I think he considers it just him "getting us back" for telling him he couldn't sit around and do nothing anymore.

                              We got into discussing the Job Corps option a little bit at which time I told him that if he wants to do it, that's fine. I just don't think he can handle something like that. I also said he has enough self-esteem problems without equating himself to a bunch of kids who honestly have no other options. He told me he doesn't feel like he's any better than them, which makes me sad. He's freakin' brilliant and could do anything he wants if he would just commit to the therapy program (cognitive behavioral therapy) that we and his therapist want him to. The problem with that is that it doesn't provide instant results and requires a huge level of commitment on his end in order to work. He has always gone for the quick fix and has a history of quitting when the going gets tough. I think a huge part of his problems stems from his lack of maturity. A past therapist told us he puts him at a 10-year-old's level, which makes sense.

                              Thank you guys so much for all your help and for letting me vent like this. It is SO therapeutic for me. Love you guys! <3
                              I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

                              But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                You never know--the quasi-boot camp environment might just help him get his act together.
                                "It's like a Russian nesting doll of train wrecks."--CaitlinandTheBay

                                ...just settin' on the Group W bench.

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Gonna agree a bit with Ghazzu... structure, details and structure are a good thing. It allows the intelligent side to take over, while not being overtaxed, while the emotional side grows & matures.

                                  So as to keep this horse related: Hence why horses are such good therapy for troubled youths, etc. The discipline & structure of daily horse-related work is stablizing for the mind, the consequences reinforce the need for good structure and then there's the reward of a ride, etc.
                                  <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by Fessy's Mom View Post
                                    This is the stuff I need to hear. I just feel so mean - I can't help it! Like I've told so many others, it's just a tightrope we walk with him because we know coddling him doesn't help, but we also have to take into account that he really does have many emotional issues. Thank you!
                                    embrace the meanness. It's your job!

                                    yes, it's a tightrope act...high wire, actually.
                                    Originally posted by BigMama1
                                    Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
                                    GNU Terry Prachett

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #19
                                      Ghazzu - we had thought of that. We had actually considered sending him to an Outward Bound program, but he wasn't interested. It would truly be a blessing if we could find something to help him through this.

                                      Alagirl - high wire indeed.

                                      Chocomare - I would have bought that kid the fanciest pony/horse/whatever he wanted if only he was interested. It would have been so good for him, but sadly, there was no interest. I can't imagine going through what we have the past three years without my horses as therapists. My big girl has truly been a Godsend. <3
                                      I would like to think I will die an heroic death...

                                      But it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        No advice here, just a cyber hug and sympathy from one parent of teenagers to another.

                                        Comment

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