• Welcome to the Chronicle Forums.
    Please complete your profile. The forums and the rest of www.chronofhorse.com has single sign-in, so your log in information for one will automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.

Announcement

Collapse

Forum rules and no-advertising policy

As a participant on this forum, it is your responsibility to know and follow our rules. Please read this message in its entirety.

Board Rules

1. You’re responsible for what you say.
As outlined in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, The Chronicle of the Horse and its affiliates, as well Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd., the developers of vBulletin, are not legally responsible for statements made in the forums.

This is a public forum viewed by a wide spectrum of people, so please be mindful of what you say and who might be reading it—details of personal disputes are likely better handled privately. While posters are legally responsible for their statements, the moderators may in their discretion remove or edit posts that violate these rules. Users have the ability to modify or delete their own messages after posting, but administrators generally will not delete posts, threads or accounts upon request.

Outright inflammatory, vulgar, harassing, malicious or otherwise inappropriate statements and criminal charges unsubstantiated by a reputable news source or legal documentation will not be tolerated and will be dealt with at the discretion of the moderators.

2. Conversations in horse-related forums should be horse-related.
The forums are a wonderful source of information and support for members of the horse community. While it’s understandably tempting to share information or search for input on other topics upon which members might have a similar level of knowledge, members must maintain the focus on horses.

3. Keep conversations productive, on topic and civil.
Discussion and disagreement are inevitable and encouraged; personal insults, diatribes and sniping comments are unproductive and unacceptable. Whether a subject is light-hearted or serious, keep posts focused on the current topic and of general interest to other participants of that thread. Utilize the private message feature or personal email where appropriate to address side topics or personal issues not related to the topic at large.

4. No advertising in the discussion forums.
Posts in the discussion forums directly or indirectly advertising horses, jobs, items or services for sale or wanted will be removed at the discretion of the moderators. Use of the private messaging feature or email addresses obtained through users’ profiles for unsolicited advertising is not permitted.

Company representatives may participate in discussions and answer questions about their products or services, or suggest their products on recent threads if they fulfill the criteria of a query. False "testimonials" provided by company affiliates posing as general consumers are not appropriate, and self-promotion of sales, ad campaigns, etc. through the discussion forums is not allowed.

Paid advertising is available on our classifieds site and through the purchase of banner ads. The tightly monitored Giveaways forum permits free listings of genuinely free horses and items available or wanted (on a limited basis). Items offered for trade are not allowed.

Advertising Policy Specifics
When in doubt of whether something you want to post constitutes advertising, please contact a moderator privately in advance for further clarification. Refer to the following points for general guidelines:

Horses – Only general discussion about the buying, leasing, selling and pricing of horses is permitted. If the post contains, or links to, the type of specific information typically found in a sales or wanted ad, and it’s related to a horse for sale, regardless of who’s selling it, it doesn’t belong in the discussion forums.

Stallions – Board members may ask for suggestions on breeding stallion recommendations. Stallion owners may reply to such queries by suggesting their own stallions, only if their horse fits the specific criteria of the original poster. Excessive promotion of a stallion by its owner or related parties is not permitted and will be addressed at the discretion of the moderators.

Services – Members may use the forums to ask for general recommendations of trainers, barns, shippers, farriers, etc., and other members may answer those requests by suggesting themselves or their company, if their services fulfill the specific criteria of the original post. Members may not solicit other members for business if it is not in response to a direct, genuine query.

Products – While members may ask for general opinions and suggestions on equipment, trailers, trucks, etc., they may not list the specific attributes for which they are in the market, as such posts serve as wanted ads.

Event Announcements – Members may post one notification of an upcoming event that may be of interest to fellow members, if the original poster does not benefit financially from the event. Such threads may not be “bumped” excessively. Premium members may post their own notices in the Event Announcements forum.

Charities/Rescues – Announcements for charitable or fundraising events can only be made for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organizations. Special exceptions may be made, at the moderators’ discretion and direction, for board-related events or fundraising activities in extraordinary circumstances.

Occasional posts regarding horses available for adoption through IRS-registered horse rescue or placement programs are permitted in the appropriate forums, but these threads may be limited at the discretion of the moderators. Individuals may not advertise or make announcements for horses in need of rescue, placement or adoption unless the horse is available through a recognized rescue or placement agency or government-run entity or the thread fits the criteria for and is located in the Giveaways forum.

5. Do not post copyrighted photographs unless you have purchased that photo and have permission to do so.

6. Respect other members.
As members are often passionate about their beliefs and intentions can easily be misinterpreted in this type of environment, try to explore or resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in the course of threads calmly and rationally.

If you see a post that you feel violates the rules of the board, please click the “alert” button (exclamation point inside of a triangle) in the bottom left corner of the post, which will alert ONLY the moderators to the post in question. They will then take whatever action, or no action, as deemed appropriate for the situation at their discretion. Do not air grievances regarding other posters or the moderators in the discussion forums.

Please be advised that adding another user to your “Ignore” list via your User Control Panel can be a useful tactic, which blocks posts and private messages by members whose commentary you’d rather avoid reading.

7. We have the right to reproduce statements made in the forums.
The Chronicle of the Horse may copy, quote, link to or otherwise reproduce posts, or portions of posts, in print or online for advertising or editorial purposes, if attributed to their original authors, and by posting in this forum, you hereby grant to The Chronicle of the Horse a perpetual, non-exclusive license under copyright and other rights, to do so.

8. We reserve the right to enforce and amend the rules.
The moderators may delete, edit, move or close any post or thread at any time, or refrain from doing any of the foregoing, in their discretion, and may suspend or revoke a user’s membership privileges at any time to maintain adherence to the rules and the general spirit of the forum. These rules may be amended at any time to address the current needs of the board.

Please see our full Terms of Service and Privacy Policy for more information.

Thanks for being a part of the COTH forums!

(Revised 1/26/16)
See more
See less

*Update*Husband resents ride time? Post 126

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Originally posted by wendy View Post
    are there really people who do nothing except work and then go home and be with their spouse every single night of the week? because even non-horse people don't do that. They go to the gym, they go to yoga classes, they go running; they join clubs and attend meetings; they go out with friends after work; they do volunteer work; they go shopping. Something.
    It seems really unreasonable to me that any person would get upset about their spouse doing something only two nights a week.
    Some people would love to have the energy for a hobby or do much more than get home, eat, zone in front of the TV until they have the motivation to go to bed (and not in the recreational sense.) And at some point muster up the energy to do what has to be done around the house. (There is a spade and four new rootstock plants calling my name as soon as I get the energy up to get dressed for gardening. And I'm on third shift tonight so I'll be getting home around midnight.) I've got coworkers who haven't had a day off in two weeks because they're higher ups and they've had to supervise new hires and trainees. They'd like an hour more to sleep, forget a hobby.

    You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.

    And yet again...there is a difference between "I find riding to be my stress reliever" and "I am going to ride and spend as much time at the barn as I want because it makes ME happy me me me" when you go into a discussion. If you don't want to have to discuss things and give ground (I bet he doesn't WANT to spend hours alone with a kid and who can blame him but if their marriage is going to work he's going to probably have to suck that up) don't get married and breed.
    Author Page
    Like Omens In the Night on Facebook
    Steampunk Sweethearts

    Comment


    • Originally posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
      Eh, when someone is being ridiculous, I'm not super inclined to cater to them with "how can we work this out".

      On the other hand, I would never have any inclination to stay with someone that behaved the way OP's husband is behaving. Horses for courses, and all of that, I guess.

      I do find it odd that so many are of the opinion that you can't make a statement of fact because that's being confrontational. I'm also genuinely curious how a "non-confrontational" conversation would go in this case. Because it seems to me that those telling the OP to dance around the issue are actually suggesting that she attempt to appease her husband. If husband is being an asshat, why should I go out of my way to appease him? He's an adult. He should act like one.

      Second (or third) question - what if husband's response to said "non-confrontational" conversation is "You will quit riding twice a week". Is he now being the confrontational one? Or is that okay because he has the penis?

      I think when the person being ridiculous is your spouse, the first response should be to try to work it out. It doesn't matter what you think of their approach - not everyone communicates flawlessly and maybe they think you're the one being ridiculous. I think people owe it to their spouse to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to work it out. Why bother getting married if the approach is going to be a vow disposal?

      I don't think she needs to pussyfoot around but when does it ever work well to be a jerk right back to someone? Have you absolutely never acted in a way you later considered ridiculous? If you have then bravo but I think most people have.

      Well why would be say quit riding twice a week in a manner like that? He's its confrontational and heck maybe its warranted. But maybe its not. Point is, there's a bigger picture we don't know about and we can't make a blanket response without knowing everything (which we can't). I don't think the presence of a penis has anything to do with what's okay or not or confrontational or not. I do however think that the presence of a wedding band should dictate your response. Yes ideally it should also dictate your spouses reaction but people aren't perfect. I don't think escalating the issue immediately is warranted.

      Your post comes off as a little defensive to me but it may just be the way I read it.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Guilherme View Post
        But to "come out swinging" because to do otherwise is a sign of weakness (by either the male or the female) is monumentally stupid if the goal is to fix the problem.
        Yes, this! Being direct and being aggressive/defensive are not the same thing. You can absolutely be direct without dragging a lot of emotional overhead into it, in fact, that's what direct communication is all about. It is not a sign of weakness to not go on the attack, it's the opposite, attacking IS a sign of weakness or insecurity.

        This is a silly example and I don't even remember what the question was, because it was more important to DH than to me. Way back when DH and I were dating, he asked me something that could have been taken as a "chauvenistic" request, he asked me to do something or another. I just answered "No", very matter of factly, no defensiveness, no anger, just the answer. He started laughing, he just couldn't believe that that's all there was to it and he says that's when he decided I was the one for him .

        He'll say something, on purpose, once in a while to get that reaction, like asking me to get him a beer when we are both sitting on the couch. I say "No", nothing else, and he cracks up. He tells me that most women he'd ever dated would have either done it and been resentful, made excuses ("I'm tired too and don't feel like getting up, or I would") or attacked him ("What do you think I am a subservient woman!! How dare you!"). The straight out, matter of fact, "No", makes him soooo happy.

        If he asked me to stop riding (not that that would happen, the very idea of him telling me what to do or not do is as preposterous to him as it would be to me, we're partners and don't do that), it would be similar, "No" and then, "Why do you bring it up? Is there a problem I'm not aware of?"...opening the door to discussion of how my schedule might be inconviencing him, or how he has a new responsibility on some front, and what we can do to alleviate the issues.

        Comment


        • Originally posted by danceronice View Post
          You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.
          I know plenty of people who have "other than cube-farm 9-5's" who do more than come home and zone out in front of the TV.

          One of my friends works full time for a major concert promotion company in a VP capacity (puts on concerts around the world for the likes of Madonna ) and additionally has a totally separate tax return business for hiiiiiiigh net worth individuals, and yet STILL she has friends and hobbies and goes out to dinner and does things.

          A lot of my friends are like this, which is perhaps self-selecting because I find "So, what did you do today?/Sat on the couch and watched a movie" to be boring conversation. So I gravitate in my own limited time to people who are more engaged with life, and thus can think of several examples of people with both great careers and social lives and interests.
          The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
          Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
          Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
          The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

          Comment


          • Originally posted by DancingArabian View Post
            Your post comes off as a little defensive to me but it may just be the way I read it.
            I don't have any reason to be defensive - I'm not even married yet.

            I was just participating in the discussion. I, personally, would not tolerate behavior on the part of my spouse like the OP's husband's. But, that fact would likely have ended that relationship long before the spouse thing became an issue.

            Like I said - horses for courses. Some people can handle that type of relationship and some people don't want to.
            "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
            -George Morris

            Comment


            • Originally posted by DancingArabian View Post
              There's a difference between directness and ultimatums and I think they're beig confused here.

              When you say (using my own words) things like:
              -I'm not quitting so suck it up
              - if you don't like it leave
              - I'm not sitting riding so deal with it or else
              ..and and up threatening to end the relationship from the jump, yes that's an ultimatum. When you take directness and add the "or else" that turns it into something bigger.

              There's no reason why you can't be direct without hinting or threatening a divorce. You should never be telling your spouse things like suck it up or get out. If you're going to be threatening to end the relationship from the moment an issue comes up then there's bigger problems. If you want out, get out but don't use a disagreement as an excuse.

              I have zero problems being direct with my husband and "setting my foot down" so to speak. However I'm not going to go into the whole "I'm not your slave angle"'or the "how dare you" angle because those are confrontations. I try to keep to a "how can we work this out" approach.
              Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?
                I did say I was using my own words
                I'm on mobile so can't quote but I'm pretty sure I saw posts hinting at the hit the road if you don't like me riding perspective.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                  Who said "or else"? Who said, "Or i'm leaving" ? Who threatened divorce?
                  You did, on post #41.
                  Alis volat propriis.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                    Really? so a wife should keep her mouth shut, not cause any waves, just roll with the punches? I guess you would have her quit her lessons, go get pregnant? Sorry but not in my house. A marriage is a partnership. if i had to pussy-foot around and walk on eggshells, i'd be packing up and moving on.
                    Here it is, bolding is mine. I still haven't mastered multi-quoting!
                    Alis volat propriis.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
                      I know plenty of people who have "other than cube-farm 9-5's" who do more than come home and zone out in front of the TV.

                      One of my friends works full time for a major concert promotion company in a VP capacity (puts on concerts around the world for the likes of Madonna ) and additionally has a totally separate tax return business for hiiiiiiigh net worth individuals, and yet STILL she has friends and hobbies and goes out to dinner and does things.

                      A lot of my friends are like this, which is perhaps self-selecting because I find "So, what did you do today?/Sat on the couch and watched a movie" to be boring conversation. So I gravitate in my own limited time to people who are more engaged with life, and thus can think of several examples of people with both great careers and social lives and interests.
                      So...rich people in urban areas on commission/high salaries, ie a small percentage of the population. Most people with hourly jobs that don't involve making phone calls and sitting at desks but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day. I had a lot more energy when I had an NFP job, and most of my coworkers never had anything like that where you do most of your work with your mouth, not your hands. Time-consuming, expensive hobbies, clubs, and dining out are not the norm for most people (I mean, who do you think are making things like dinner out possible? People who are working while the 'folks with lives' go out to eat.)
                      Author Page
                      Like Omens In the Night on Facebook
                      Steampunk Sweethearts

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by danceronice View Post
                        So...rich people in urban areas on commission/high salaries, ie a small percentage of the population. Most people with hourly jobs that don't involve making phone calls and sitting at desks but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day. I had a lot more energy when I had an NFP job, and most of my coworkers never had anything like that where you do most of your work with your mouth, not your hands. Time-consuming, expensive hobbies, clubs, and dining out are not the norm for most people (I mean, who do you think are making things like dinner out possible? People who are working while the 'folks with lives' go out to eat.)
                        Actually I know people in all sorts of demographics who have 'other-than 9-5 cube-farm' jobs and still find time to be engaged with other people and extracurricular activities. I have myself held physical labor jobs (full time barn help) and high paid urban jobs (BigLaw lawyer in Manhattan) and still maintained a life outside of work. I have worked in the music industry, at British Parliament, for a US Congresswoman, in various capacities in the horse industry, in sales, and as a waitress to name a few.

                        Based on my experiences I feel pretty comfortable concluding that interesting people with social lives exist in all those work-spheres.

                        If your life is really leaving you so drained that you can't muster the will to get up off the couch, perhaps some re-evaluation is in order.

                        God won't give you the time back.
                        The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                        Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
                        Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
                        The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

                        Comment


                        • Clearly when the person with whom we are discussing "non negotiables" is one's spouse as opposed to someone who is at arm's length the approach is different. I would expect this should be the same whether we are talking about a husband or a wife. However, the difference lies in saying "Look, this is really important to me and we are, together, going to have to find a way to make this work" vs "I really need this, please can't you look after your child by yourself 2x week?" The second is, imo, belittling and unfair.

                          Clearly, as most have stated, "it is not about the horses". Same thing would happen if OP took up tennis, mountain biking, antiquing, whatever.

                          What I find unacceptable and baffling is the fact that a father can't look after his toddler by himself for a couple of hours two times per week. Really?

                          Either he is
                          a) afraid and uncomfortable to do so, in which case he should be a mature adult and say so. OP can then give him "extra instruction" on looking after toddler. And then trust him to do so. If he can't figure out how to keep a toddler alive for 2 hours he probably shouldn't be flying planes either
                          b) can't do enough math to figure out that 2x week is not "having baby dumped on him all the time" In which case, I repeat, he probably shouldn't be flying a plane
                          c) doesn't think he should have to, in which case OP has bigger problems and counselling is in order.
                          d) can't stand to be without the OP when he is not at work..in which case...see above.
                          e) hate the idea that the OP has something she loves to do that does not involve him. Again, see above.

                          Marriage is a partnership but everyone (male or female) needs their space and everyone is responsible for their fair share of child care. Why should that be negotiable?

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by danceronice View Post
                            Some people would love to have the energy for a hobby or do much more than get home, eat, zone in front of the TV until they have the motivation to go to bed (and not in the recreational sense.) And at some point muster up the energy to do what has to be done around the house. (There is a spade and four new rootstock plants calling my name as soon as I get the energy up to get dressed for gardening. And I'm on third shift tonight so I'll be getting home around midnight.) I've got coworkers who haven't had a day off in two weeks because they're higher ups and they've had to supervise new hires and trainees. They'd like an hour more to sleep, forget a hobby.

                            You don't know many people who have anything other than cube-farm 9-5s, do you? I *do* have (very expensive) hobby, but that's because I don't have a husband, children, large livestock at home....and I can't do it nearly as much as I'd like.

                            And yet again...there is a difference between "I find riding to be my stress reliever" and "I am going to ride and spend as much time at the barn as I want because it makes ME happy me me me" when you go into a discussion. If you don't want to have to discuss things and give ground (I bet he doesn't WANT to spend hours alone with a kid and who can blame him but if their marriage is going to work he's going to probably have to suck that up) don't get married and breed.
                            Agreed with Meup on her responses to you but one thing I needed to point out...

                            It is HIS child. If he didn't want to spend hours with "a kid" alone... Well he shouldn't have had one. It is hanging out with a child you love, not chinese water torture. She has no more, I hate saying this, obligation to be with the child than he does so he needs to do his fair share. She didn't get pregnant all by herself.

                            I know my DH has tried this, and (this may help you OP) I reminded him of the hours he spends doing his own activities and if he would like he can stop too or we can each find a sitter when we would like to do something but if he cannot keep the kids while I get a break, well buddy, you don't get one either. In addition, I found when I said "hey I want to ride Saturday" I tended to get blown off instead of "I am going riding at 2pm on Saturday" and sticking to it.

                            My husband works a physically demanding job and yes he is tired at times but (because he works 12 hour shifts not including the return drive time, sometimes 2+ hours away) I don't expect him to keep them when he has work the next day aside from feeding when it was cold and nasty out and I fed either after the kids were sleeping at first but that didn't work very well so then right after he got home. I managed my AM feedings bringing the kids with me or other child care.

                            Yes I try to be considerate but um... We both had children and for me, having my own time and passion makes me a better mother. OP deserves her own time.

                            Comment


                            • but rather being on their feet all day frequently crash (or spend their 'time off' doing stuff that has to be done like shopping, laundry, house-cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc) because they don't have the ENERGY for anything else after the work day.
                              I don't know anyone who does this, regardless of type of job. I know quite a few nurses who spend 12 hours on their feet, and they don't do that, they go the barn after their shift, or to the dog training club, which are places I meet them. Maybe it's self-selection though- I suppose it's hard to meet the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch in front of the TV at home. It's kind of self-defeating to do that- the less you do, the less energy you have.

                              anyone, it's one thing to choose of your own free will to stay home every night, and quite a different thing to have your spouse pressuring you to do that when you want to go do things instead.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by wendy View Post
                                Maybe it's self-selection though- I suppose it's hard to meet the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch in front of the TV at home.
                                Also, if you are one of the folks who do nothing but sit on the couch after work, it is hard to meet the folks who do have lives outside of work. Unless they are having that life on your couch.
                                The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                                Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
                                Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
                                The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

                                Comment


                                • Originally posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
                                  You did, on post #41.
                                  Wrong. i never said anything like that. I told her to EXPLAIN that she would not be stopping her lessons. That does not mean "or Else" it does not mean She is to threaten divorce. Wow you sure read into things that are not there.

                                  I said that in MY house if i had to walk on eggshells i would be gone. i never advised the OP that she should do the same.

                                  Comment


                                  • Originally posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
                                    Here it is, bolding is mine. I still haven't mastered multi-quoting!

                                    If you re-read it- it says IF i had to walk on Eggshells i would be moving on. I did not say the OP should pack up and leave. Nor did i say She was walking on eggshells.

                                    Comment


                                    • DH's Reply

                                      After thirty years together DH has heard it all. When I read OP's post to him, he opened one eye (he was dozing after spending the day helping out in the barn) and said "Horse people should only marry horse people," and closed the eye again. He has been wonderful in supporting me and my daughter's horse addiction, even though he rarely rides. He does enjoy the horses though. No advice here, just a thought that made me smile.
                                      Second place is first loser.

                                      Comment


                                      • Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
                                        Some things really are non-negotiable. Why pretend they are negotiable when they aren't? Be honest about the fact that it is a non-negotiable position for you.

                                        Saying, "No, I will never do a threesome with you and the neighbor," is not an ultimatum. It is simply stating a non-negotiable condition.

                                        Saying, "No, I never want children" is not an ultimatum. It is simply stating a non-negotiable condition. You can not compromise on whether or not there is a child in the home. There either is, or there is not.

                                        For some people, riding is non-negotiable. "I will never give it up" is how it is.

                                        If one party's non-negotiable condition is a non-negotiable problem for the other party, then decisions need to be made.

                                        One of my brothers was in a relationship where he stated that NO KIDS was his position and it would not change. The woman wanted children and left him for that reason 48 hours later. When non-negotiable conditions clash, decisions need to be made. There is no point in pretending you may be convince-able if you really are not. The question then becomes can the other party accept it or not. They may agree with your position, they may not care either way and be fine with whatever is important to you, or decisions may need to be made.
                                        And this folks is the truth of the situation. The OP has to decide what is negotiable and what is not. If riding is non-negotiable than that is what needs to be said. He is an adult, he will either get it or he won't.
                                        Signing him up for something is absolutely not the way to go. Talk about
                                        skirting the issue. If he wanted to do something else he would, he doesn't need a wife to tell him what to do and as far as I am concerned cause more problems.
                                        Its not rocket science, its two people coming at it from two different angles.
                                        Better to be honest about it, that way both parties can either work through it or not.
                                        Its the OP that needs to come to a decision of how important the horse is, and its up to her to be honest with him.
                                        www.tayvalleyfarm.com
                                        My other home.

                                        Comment


                                        • Well I believe that when you will not compromise its totally OK to say so. So if thats a my way or the highway stance so be it.
                                          I have been married for 25 years to a man that if you speak to him at all about anything, even if you say" how was your day ?" or " what are you doing" He takes it as confrontation. He is unable to have a conversation. The only form of comunication he understands is an argument. It does not matter how you say it, when you say it, what tone of voice you say it in. Basically if you are speaking to him you are confronting him. So I compromise ALOT. I have lots of patience and am willing to go through an hour of, in circles screaming and yelling and accusations just to find out if he needs gas in the car. Why because I dont sweat the small stuff.
                                          He can not help the way he is , his parents and upbringing in a highly disfunctional family made him this way. Everyones parents or childrearers gives them a tool box to get through life, he was given a tool box full of monkey wrenches that were rusty. Not his fault. I accept it. However since I do compromise 98% of the time , I do the my way or the highway when I reach times that are not up for discussion. (or argument) He knows its true, I wont budge, and I dont ever make idle threats. If I plant my feet, bam thats it. Riding would be for me a foot planter. He knows it, and doesnt mess with it.

                                          I have asked him to go to counseling for 25 years, and he will not. He will not accept the fact he has a comunication problem, and thats the first step. What sense does going to counseling make if you are forced to go there? So I am left with my way or the highway tactic when it really matters because thats the only thing that works.

                                          The problem is not the OP riding. The problem is the husbands reaction to it. The only way to fix the problem is to communicate with each other. Not reward the husband for bad behavior such as only riding once a week instead of twice. If the couple is unable to communicate with each other and fix the problem, then outside help such as a marriage counsler would be advisable, but only helpful if both parties are in agreement of going.

                                          This is not a feministic approach that I am asserting on my husband. Its the only thing that works, so those of you that say how my way or the highway is soooo wrong, well you aint walking in my shoes.
                                          Just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark.--Adam Stanley

                                          Comment

                                          Working...
                                          X