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*Update*Husband resents ride time? Post 126

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  • #41
    Originally posted by Guilherme View Post
    This is terrible advice, unless one is really seeking to destroy the relationship.

    They need some professional help, not a confrontation.

    Really? so a wife should keep her mouth shut, not cause any waves, just roll with the punches? I guess you would have her quit her lessons, go get pregnant? Sorry but not in my house. A marriage is a partnership. if i had to pussy-foot around and walk on eggshells, i'd be packing up and moving on.


    • #42
      The husband is not the 2-yo. If the husband does not feel comfortable with his child at this point in time and doesn't have any hobbies, whose fault is that? Not the wife, not the horse.


      That said, the reality seems to be that husband is behaving resentfully. Whatever is wrong with his little picture of what he thought his life would be like, he has decided that the reason his life is not what he planned is because OP is riding twice a week. I do think counseling would help, but I also have come to the conclusion (post couples-counseling) that in my marriage, I have to just plain call my husband on this crap. Otherwise, we both start to believe it, and that is not good. I just look him flat in the eyes and say, "and when we got married, you thought I would drop having my own life and just be sitting home waiting for you with a hot supper, a drink, and a b.j. every night? Go figure out what this is really about, and then tell me." Some men (and of course some women too) can't articulate what's bothering them unless they are forced to, whereas it's a lot easier to blame someone else when they're unhappy.

      Since the OP is probably tired from working full time and parenting, though, it might be easier to just say to hubby, "Oh, you're right, honey. In fact, I've arranged for a babysitter, so you can have some time to yourself too." The hubby then may very well complain about the cost of a babysitter, but, some people have found that it's just worth it to say, "Yes, but I'll use less gas/not get my hair colored/use the money that Aunt Minnie sent me five years ago, etc."
      and not get involved in the confrontation.

      I would like to think that these spouses that we married are still the people we wanted to marry, and are just going through a brain spasm when they get resentful of horse stuff when they wouldn't even think of resenting the same amount of time doing something else. Looking at the spouse's parents' relationship can give you a lot of information on what you're dealing with too.

      But don't stop riding, if at all possible. In most cases it is very good for couples to have an independent interest or two, even if one member of the couple doesn't realize this until they get their own independent activity and realize how much they like it.


      • Original Poster

        I've decided after reading these couple of pages that I'm going to be purchasing Diving lessons for him. He's been talking about it for ages but just won't go do it. He really needs his own hobby that he loves as much as I love riding. We're in a great place for diving so he should start while he can! It will be a just because gift and maybe he'll understand just what a release riding is for me. Of course, he hasn't seen my none riding self since he was deployed during that...and I didn't start riding until we were home in the US. He knew coming into our relationship what exactly horses meant to me but the first 3 years of my career I wasn't in a place where I could ride so he didn't get the whole picture until now. If this doesn't help the issue, I will be suggesting some counseling but I will make a concerted effort to work it out before counseling. I don't want the resentment but I refuse to give up riding. At this point I feel guilty riding and as much as I enjoy my lessons, walking through the door after and feeling guilty kind of kills any release I get from it. Thanks everyone for inputs and I'll keep an eye out for anymore.


        • #44
          Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
          Really? so a wife should keep her mouth shut, not cause any waves, just roll with the punches? I guess you would have her quit her lessons, go get pregnant? Sorry but not in my house. A marriage is a partnership. if i had to pussy-foot around and walk on eggshells, i'd be packing up and moving on.
          I never suggested the "barefoot and pregnant" route. I did state the precipitation of a "confrontation" is a supremely bad idea when alternatives exist.

          Maybe you think "feminine machismo" is a way to advance a relationship. IMO such an approach is as monumentally stupid as "male machismo."

          There's a time to talk and a time to fight; wise men and women know the difference.

          You advice was, and remains, monumentally bad.

          Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


          • #45
            As others have said, this isn't a horse problem. This is an "OP doing anything outside the home" problem. There's a breakdown in expectations here. The DH seems to be good with working and coming home and nothing else while the OP, the Mom, is interested in pursuing outside interests.

            This is not a situation limited to military or gov't families. This is pretty standard fare. Even when the woman was very involved PRIOR to marriage or kids, a lot of guys take issue with barn time or other hobbies.

            Counseling would be the wise choice. There is something else going on. It's not about the horses.
            A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

            Might be a reason, never an excuse...


            • #46
              Originally posted by AirForceWife View Post
              I've been riding for nearly a year now. I started out riding once a week and I rode right after work came home after I rode, didn't dwadle much. I got lax and started hanging out after my lessons and they increased to twice a week. We discussed it when he started getting mad at the time I was gone from home. Issue fixed. I went back to coming home straight after lessons. I've since moved barns and am back to once a week lessons. Today I broached the topic of perhaps taking 2 lessons a week once in a while starting this week. He absolutely had it out with me. Just angry "I'm always stuck with baby and I'm always taking him with me" I was pretty certain that we divided our time equally. The only time he is "stuck" is the one evening a week I ride. This Friday we both went out seperately, I went to dinner then came home and he left to go out with friends. Even split. The only time this ever comes up is when I talk about riding. I'm at a loss of how to tackle this because I thought we were over it. I think it would be easier if he had a hobby too but he doesn't.
              I had this discussion so many times with (divorced) girlfriends... Men just don't have the same perception of time and commitment to their kids.
              They always feel they are baby-sitting for their kids and they should be rewarded or thanked for the time they spend home with them. So frustrating.

              I agree with other posters, sorry but it doesn't seem to get better with time


              • #47
                Originally posted by Guilherme View Post
                I never suggested the "barefoot and pregnant" route. I did state the precipitation of a "confrontation" is a supremely bad idea when alternatives exist.

                Maybe you think "feminine machismo" is a way to advance a relationship. IMO such an approach is as monumentally stupid as "male machismo."

                There's a time to talk and a time to fight; wise men and women know the difference.

                You advice was, and remains, monumentally bad.

                says you.If you misinterpret something, that is on you. i never said she should BULLY him. i said to stand up for herself and not give up something she loves just bc hubby gets whiney. this is 2013. Women can have hobbies and still be married.


                • #48
                  Yeah...says me.

                  Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                  • #49
                    Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                    says you.If you misinterpret something, that is on you. i never said she should BULLY him. i said to stand up for herself and not give up something she loves just bc hubby gets whiney. this is 2013. Women can have hobbies and still be married.
                    Unless the husband says "Fine" and walks out because instead of approaching it rationally she's just a bitch and says "Horse first, I don't care about your opinion or feelings." They're military, they have counselling available, that's a lot less likely to end badly. Compromise is not issuing ultimatums without discussion.
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                    • #50
                      I looked up 'babysit' on dictionary.com. The first definition sort of clears up the question of asking the husband to 'babysit' his own child.

                      [bey-bee-sit] Show IPA verb, ba·by-sat, ba·by-sit·ting.
                      verb (used without object)
                      1. to take charge of a child while the parents are temporarily away.

                      I agree with the people who say it isn't really about her riding or being interested in horses. If she wanted to go somewhere once or twice a week for two or three hours to dance or swim or knit or paint wooden duck decoys * I have no idea where that came from * he would still have a problem.


                      • #51
                        I agree with the its more to do than horses, but I also think that this is your husband and you have to give the guy a chance. Guys perception of a lot of things seems pretty different than ours in a lot of ways.
                        For example, I was managing a barn and giving lessons, I left at 5:30am and usually got home around 10pm, I was supposed to have Sundays off but you can guess how often that happened. He tried, came to shows, would drop by the barn to see me, but really it drove him nuts. He would whine that I wasn't home at night to eat dinner with him (notice I didn't say cook lol, he does that a little better than me )
                        Fast forward a few years, and I start working for the rr, and I am never home, don't know what time I will be home or when I will be leaving again. He thinks its great that I have this job! I always tease him about this and he says "yea but I understand this job"
                        He didn't understand the barn manager job, it wasn't something he could relate to etc. he does understand my current job and thinks its fine if I am gone weeks at a time.
                        I guess my point is maybe try and figure out what the real problem is, he really might not get it, and I like the idea of the diving lessons, that may give him some perspective.


                        • #52
                          WARNING: I have a chip on my shoulder the size of a two-by-four about this issue due to my own life experiences, lol.

                          The whole idea of a father not wanting to be involved with his kids but wanting to have his wife there all the time kills me... my parents split when I was a baby, my mom said that having a kid scared the sh*t out of him. She was alright with it, she always said it was better that I had no father than one doing a half-assed job. After going through school in a country town (and hearing about other kids' fathers), I think she's right. And she raised me alone. And (if I do say so myself) did a damn good job of it, too.

                          I agree with everyone else who said counseling is necessary, this is an issue that goes beyond riding. This is an issue of Father not wanting anything to do with his own kid (my mom responded to that situation by going her separate way and taking me with her) and being controlling enough to want to govern every. second. of. your. life. You need "me" time, too, you can't just belong to other people all the time: your boss, your son, and your husband. You have to remember who YOU are. Regularly do things that make YOU happy, don't just live your life for other people, because eventually you will resent it and become unhappy. Does he want you as a happy partner, or does he want you as an object he owns that he would prefer to imagine is an object without feelings?

                          I don't know the whole situation, but being raised by a single Mom, I have a hard time accepting the fact that a man can dictate every part of his wife's life. My Mom didn't need a man around to tell her what to do. She managed just fine on her own, thank-you-very-much. One night a week? Come on, does he really need to have his *slave* oh sorry, wife, at his (I'm sure he sees it as his and his alone) house whenever he is there to see to his every whim? In that case, HE needs a nanny, not the child. He's a grown up, so he needs to grow the eff up and start taking responsibility. If he feels left out, he can go join a group with interests similar to his (going to Hooters and drinking beer doesn't count. Boating, fishing, running, cycling, etc. do). He doesn't need his Mommy to sign him up for Little League so he can go play with the boys anymore. If he does, I'd reconsider his worth as father material because he still needs a parent himself.


                          Sorry about that. I really do wish you the best, go get 'em!


                          • #53
                            My husband and I are also mil-to-mil, Air Force. There are definitely strains on this type of relationship that usually aren't present on most marriages- very long, stressful, frequently dangerous work hours (depending on your jobs, of course) coupled with frequent separations lasting anywhere from weeks to years, and always at most inconvenient times possible. My husband and I have lived in the same state less than 40% of the time we've been married, and have been able to sleep in the same bed far less than that due to temporary duties. It ain't easy to feel connected over a phone. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining - we chose this life with our eyes open - but I do wonder if your husband's complaints are based simply in feeling disconnected. Maybe offer to spend more quality time alone to focus on your marriage? Hard to offer much insight based on one post, of course, but I wouldn't quite be making a mountain out of this potential molehill just yet.

                            Other than the excellent advice about availing yourselves of the many counseling options available to you, I strongly suggest you take Lori's advice and get that man a hobby! If he has something outside of work he is passionate about, he (theoretically) will be much more understanding of yours. My husband is an avid hunter, and supports my riding so much partly because I am equally supportive of his hobby. It is definitely a give and take, though- sometimes he is gone the entire weekend several weekends in a row, and with our differing schedules it's not unusual to only have an hour or two together in the evenings during the week. When I start to feel like the proverbial "two ships passing in the night", I let him know I really need a weekend with him, or a day, or an afternoon, or whatever, and then go do something fun together, all about us. He may ask me to bear with him for one or two more weekends if the season is about to close, and eventually we find a compromise we can both live with. Of course, that goes both ways and he lets me know when he needs to pry me off a horse for a few hours, and I oblige as much as possible. We also try to get at least somewhat involved in each others' hobbies. This has worked out better for me than for him, since he enjoys playing handy man around the barn with our pups, but he has yet to offer up an incentive good enough for me to drag my ass out of bed at 3AM on a Saturday to go sit in a freezing duck blind for 6 hours The point is, we both understand how important our hobbies are for our sanity, and that alone helps strengthen our marriage and support of each other's hobby. It's much more difficult for one party to be supportive of an expensive, time consuming hobby of the other if s/he doesn't also have a hobby.

                            Just something else to consider.


                            • #54
                              Being married for over 20 years, having five kids and having horses; lets say this can be a tough subject as you are experiencing. It always will be. Not just with horses, but if you had another interest that took time away from your family. It's just the way it is.

                              It will take work. Any relationship takes work. This will NEVER go away no matter what you think. If the hubby has a hobby that definitely helps out, however, if he is a good, intelligent man, he will learn to understand and be more tolerable of it. And kids do grow up. But even then, he will feel the time you spend with the horses is time you love the horse better than him. Most men are just built that way. Have a check list to make sure you are loving him, loving your kid (s) and the horse time will follow much easier.

                              Yes, you can call it quits, find a new man, and it will be new, exciting and all lovey-dovey for a while and then end up needing work too.... so if you love him, work with him and talk with him about every relationship needing work and communication.....

                              Good luck, I know how you feel right now.
                              Live in the sunshine.
                              Swim in the sea.
                              Drink the wild air.


                              • #55
                                Originally posted by Alex and Bodie's Mom View Post
                                IMO, this isn't about the baby. Something else is going on in his mind that just isn't coming to the surface. Finances, he wants more attention, he's worried about you getting hurt, or he just wants to control you -- of course, I tend to be slightly paranoid. Until and unless he's willing to confront that reason, this isn't going to be resolved. But it really doesn't sit well with me that he wants to take riding away from you.
                                Get some professional help, either together or alone. There is way more going on than riding time. You got married because you wanted to spend more time together ( I am assuming) you had a baby because you wanted to create a family (assumption) together. You started hanging out after lessons ( you'd rather spend time with non family in his eyes) . So, I think you need to talk with a counselor to figure out how to get everything you want and how to make him FEEL good about your relationship or how to make the compromises you need to to make the things that are important in your life possible. It is easy to take family for granted and then they don't FEEL special. Men need to feel appreciated...even if it IS for taking care of their own child!! And what harm is it really doing us to lavish a bit of praise and thanks. ...speaking from someone who learned too late that when he said he didn't need praise or thanks he REALLY didn't mean it!


                                • #56
                                  some issues are resolvable and some are perpetual. In fact,r esearch indicates that 67-68% of couple issues are perpetual - are never really going to be resolved! What happy couples do is just learn how to talk about them, and how to respect the difference, because when you pick your partner, you for sure pick the issues with which you will be dealing for the rest of your relationship - one is more extraverted, one is less responsible with money, one is more adventurous and so on. In this case, without knowing either one, it may be that OP is the more independent of the two and that will always be true. If that is the case, exactly as G stated, it will not be best addressed by "my way or hit the road" (although there are marriages that work that way) but by figuring out, as a couple, how to respect both partner's feelings and find a solution that both can live with.

                                  When I was much younger i had a boyfriend who worked for the Forest SErvice. Every day in the summer he'd go out surveying with this one woman, very attractive, and single. Alone. Just the two of them. In the woods. My mind went crazy with scenarios. I finally told him it made me really uncomfortable and I have to say he was awesome. He patiently asked me what I was worried about, and I told him, told him every scenario I could think of and he agreed that if he thought I was doing those things, he'd be worried too! He did NOT give up his job, nor did he stop going into the woods with the woman, but he was very reassuring,called me as soon as he was out to say he loved me and told me I could bring up the issue as much as I wanted (I did and he was as reassuing the 4th time as he was the first). I really did get okay with it but largely because he was so willing to let me talk about it and did not tell me I was crazy/no way he was quitting his job and so on. For me, that approach works!

                                  I so hope you consider counseling, as the hobby/babysitting/horse may not be the real issue at all. And counseling may really help strengthen your alliance and get even closer!


                                  • #57
                                    "as much as I enjoy my lessons, walking through the door after and feeling guilty kind of kills any release I get from it."

                                    Ohhhhh.... Rip the man's cojones off. Rip them off, I say! :-)

                                    I am just teasing you, OP; I do not actually advocate the above, appropriate though it may seem in the heat of the moment. :-) It's just that I often feel the same way, or used to, or still do but am not willing to give up riding because of something that is hubby's irrational issue. (The man does get a hot dinner served properly with our cute [usually] children most nights, lots of fun family or couple activities planned and orchestrated, date nights, flirting, support and encouragement, etc. I understand and accept what makes the man tick. And sure, I love the guy. But I don't like his ass messing with me and the horse.)

                                    For the record, I do think that one can't measure their relationship against other people, and of course everyone needs to define what works in their particular marriage. And marriage means you do have to try to work it out in a way that appears respectful and loving to your spouse (who hopefully doesn't subscribe to the same bulletin boards).

                                    But I don't think a person should allow their spouse to make their life smaller through guilt or manipulation. I think the OP sounds like a pretty terrific spouse, to have thought of helping the DH find his own hobby and to be ready to consider counseling if she thinks it is something deeper than her riding twice a week. When the OP looks back on this in a few years, hopefully she and DH will laugh about it and ask each other what the big deal was.


                                    • #58
                                      "But I don't think a person should allow their spouse to make their life smaller through guilt or manipulation."

                                      You mean like saying, "If he loved you he'd want you to be happy doing whatever it took? He's just trying to control you!"

                                      Remember, we're only hearing one voice and one opinion...we don't know "The rest of the story" as Paul Harvey used to say.

                                      I'll admit, I tell friend's sons to never date or marry a girl with a horse, I see way too many divorced ladies at the barn and it was always the guy's fault.
                                      "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


                                      • #59
                                        The key is to find balance. Something in this relationship is out of balance somewhere and that needs to be fixed. Only the two of you can figure that out, probably with some help from someone who will help you both sort out your feelings and all that jazz.
                                        Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


                                        • #60
                                          paint wooden duck decoys * I have no idea where that came from *
                                          Maybe you've been watching too much Duck Dynasty

                                          Reading this thread sheds a lot of light onto one of my past relationships.

                                          He was ex-military, had a dairy farm so never left home, and was insecure because his ex-fiancee cheated on him. So, naturally, every.single.time I wanted to ride, he became resentful and jealous, and threw a temper tantrum like a 6 year old about how I was always doing something with my g*d damn horses, they were more important than him, going to shows costs money ...

                                          I'm sorry, but I have a good paying job, we aren't married, my money is my money, I'll spend it however I damn well please thank you very much! - and I did contribute to the home costs, buying ALL groceries for him and his brother who lived with us, paying ALL the utilities, buying firewood for heat in the winter, etc.

                                          There were a TON of other reasons why I left, the icing on the cake was when I was violently ill for a week, and he was too busy to take me to the EMERGENCY ROOM when I was so dehydrated I couldn't stop throwing up and hadn't showered in a week because I couldn't even get out of bed. A friend had to take off work to take me, and almost got fired for it. Thank god for good friends.

                                          I walked away and never looked back. Almost had to block his number because he was grasping at straws once I finally walked out, because he had no control anymore, was sorry for the things he said, the things he did, blah blah blah...

                                          OP, I'm not suggesting your husband is coming from the same place my ex-douchbag was coming from, but I do agree with others that the REAL issue isn't the horses, the horses are just the scape goat for your husband's real issue.

                                          And I agree that you can't just say "well, its the horses or me buddy!" because you're invested in this relationship and have a child with this man.

                                          But I do think that if he has hobbies that he enjoys he'll be less annoyed when you do the same, and that counseling may resolve the issue on its own, without it ever even going towards blame on the horses (because I don't think that's the real problem anyways).

                                          Good luck!
                                          "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."