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*Update*Husband resents ride time? Post 126

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  • #21
    If you're both Active Duty then you've got miles of resources available; use them.

    Relationships work because the people MAKE them work. Two individuals remain individuals, but become a "pair. Ego is not bad; malignant ego is a killer.

    In a military relationship there is another player, and that's the Chain of Command (if you've got two members married to each other you've got two Chains of Command). Often the friction at home has its roots in shop. This is true in civilian life, also. The difference is that if work gets too bad a civilian can quit and move on. Service Members don't get to do that.

    You've got help available; use it.


    CDR, USNR(Ret)
    Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


    • #22
      I too agree w/ all of Guilherme's posts and to add, often men feel left out after a child's born - the wife/mother now has to focus more of her attention on a the child and less attention on her husband then add to the mix your job and a hobby.. For some men it's not an issue at all. Use whatever resources you have available thru the AF or privately and get some counseling.Best of luck to you both


      • #23
        My ex was the same way. But it really wasn't about the horse, it was about control. Seems I was "neglecting" him and our son if I rode, if I took classes, if I worked overtime, if I wanted to go grocery shopping without taking my son and all the infant accoutrements, you get the picture.

        I'm certainly not suggesting you run and get a lawyer but I do think you should heed the advice that the problem is probably not you taking a few hours a week to ride. Getting couples counseling would be a good place to start.

        FWIW my son has a one year old. From the minute that boy hit the ground he's been right in there feeding, bathing, changing diapers etc. It's not babysitting or being "stuck" with your child. It's parenting. And it's not the exclusive domain of the female.
        "Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple” – Barry Switzer


        • #24
          Been there, done that.

          Part of the problem was that my husband felt inadequate while the children were young . . . part of it was he wanted to have what he considered to be "traditional" roles which did not include "babysitting" our children. Part of it was his jealousy because I have a hobby that means so much to me.

          We did get through it. We had some counseling, we talked it through and we hired some babysitters. I found that there were a lot of young women at the barn where I rode when my kids were young and most of them were eager to earn some $$ by watching said kid while I rode.

          I've been married for 25 years (to the same person) and it got better when the kids got more self sufficient. We still deal with some of his jealousy about the time I spend riding but I also try to carve out time that is to spend with him.

          Good luck!
          Equine Ink - My soapbox for equestrian writings & reviews.
          EquestrianHow2 - Operating instructions for your horse.


          • #25
            Maybe it's not just the horse, but that he misses you. I agree it's a symptom of issues, and probably not the real issue. Maybe instead of a second lesson, you could find something the two of you could do together.
            You can't fix stupid-Ron White


            • #26
              Because I tend to be very PARANOID about the whole issue of horses and men, even if I am no longer married to the man who made me paranoid, my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't think most of the time that a man really wants his wife to ever have a hobby that takes her outside the home, and makes her unavailable for several hours at a time. Work outside the home for money, yes, but a hobby? No. And one where you * gasp * leave the child with him? Hello?

              They can't help it, really, they are hard wired and have to work very very hard to offer even some fairness. Stand up for yourself.

              And don't you use, or let him use, the term 'babysit' in reference to his own child. Both of you are working, he doesn't help you with the housework, 50% of it is his housework. And he should not be persuaded to "let" you go without pouting or fussing, as he doesn't have the authority to withhold permission. Verbiage is very important! Correct yourself, and gently but firmly correct him.

              Good luck.


              • #27
                Usually when a woman has a baby they become really wrapped up in the baby, and it's the most important thing in the world to her. The husband starts to feel left out, and jealous. Add in horses, and the husband feels REALLY left out, unimportant and jealous.

                You guys really need to talk openly, and you also need to give your husband extra reassurance/attention. It's not fair, and you shouldn't have to do it, but it really does need to be done.

                With that said, you absolutely need time for yourself, and shouldn't be made to feel guilty because of that. But you need to discuss the issue and be aware of just how insecure men feel when there is a new baby. (now there is 2 of them in the house! LOL).


                • #28
                  I know there's a lot of paranoia about this issue. It is possible thats its a control thing, or that he misses you, but from his perspective, if he doesn't really have time to himself, then he may indeed feel dumped on and resentful if he never gets a night off. (I know I do!) What does he like to do? How does he relax? Whatever it is, even if it's just a quiet tv night, make sure that he has enough time to do it too. If he doesn't have his own time, and you are asking for more of your own, then no, you are not being fair, and the resentment is only going to build. I'd recommend that you sit down and talk with each other heart to heart about what each of you needs to be happy. I hope it works!
                  where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?


                  • #29
                    I see a number of issues here beyond your husband's resentment of being "stuck" with the baby while you ride. The fact that he has no hobbies is an issue, as he probably resents anytime you're not available for him outside of work.

                    The simple solution is to hire a babysitter to watch your son the two evenings when you ride. The bigger problem is that your husband will still most likely resent the time you spend riding.

                    It sounds like you would benefit from couples counseling. It's not about the time spent riding, trust me.


                    • #30
                      Explain to your hubby that this is your therapy. it is your stress relief. And that you will NOT be stopping. He needs to understand that you are not a subservient wife. You are an individual who needs this. yes if he cannot handle taking care of your baby, then maybe a babysitter will be the solution.


                      • #31
                        Originally posted by Lori B View Post
                        Men - they absolutely need hobbies if you ride. They also need to be prepared to do solo child care time before you reproduce w/ them. It's one reason I didn't want to have kids, I didn't ever want to have that fight. I rarely see anyone on this board (or anywhere else) address the problem w/ tough love for the man: "Sorry, buddy, you wanted a baby too, and here's where the rubber meets the road."
                        Completely agree.
                        Both genders NEED A LIFE to be INTERESTING PEOPLE.

                        Have friends that you go out with. Have hobbies that you care about. DO SH*T. Perhaps if one party is out and the other party happens to be home the at-home party can cook a nice meal and set the table. Wipe down the bathroom maybe. Instead of sitting in the house going, "I'm in the house by myself. What to do, what to do?"

                        OR pursue interests, maintain their own social circles, go to a bookclub, take in a play, walk the dogs, SOMETHING other than helplessly sitting around being entertained and catered to.

                        OP, it irritates him that you have a life and he doesn't. If he had a life, he would be using the time the way you are: to DO THINGS.
                        The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                        Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
                        The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY


                        • #32
                          Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                          Explain to your hubby that this is your therapy. it is your stress relief. And that you will NOT be stopping. He needs to understand that you are not a subservient wife. You are an individual who needs this. yes if he cannot handle taking care of your baby, then maybe a babysitter will be the solution.
                          This is terrible advice, unless one is really seeking to destroy the relationship.

                          They need some professional help, not a confrontation.

                          Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                          • #33
                            I think the the professional help idea is the best here.

                            OP, hope you find a good counselor that you both like and this problem can be worked thru.


                            • #34
                              You have professional help available to you

                              Get it. Even if you make it "your problem"(and that's how I'd approach it).

                              This is not about riding lessons 2x/week.

                              Who is the higher ranking individual? If it's the OP, or if her husband hasn't achieved his goals by now, there's where it starts.


                              • #35
                                Originally posted by Guilherme View Post
                                This is terrible advice, unless one is really seeking to destroy the relationship.

                                They need some professional help, not a confrontation.

                                Really...because this is what I said to my man who is also Military when we got married and all of a sudden the horses became an issue. I also ride 2 horses a night and take care of 4.

                                I said look, things are never going to change for me; either accept it or move on. He has accepted it and the horses are no longer an issue.

                                Asking to ride twice a week is NOTHING. There are still 5 days of that week you can dedicate to this man, he needs to get over it.


                                • #36
                                  Yep, get help. My ex resented my horse and riding. For him, it was a control issue. I tired compromising and only rode on the weekends and would be home before he even got up. Still not good enough, and all fights and disagreements always came back to that (*&)^ horse. We tried counseling, we tried sitting down and talking, but it was too little too late. Looking back, he was a sad, depressed individual, and I know the control issue was him trying to control his depression by controlling his environment, including me. Hopefully your situation is different, but communication and getting professional help are key!


                                  • #37
                                    double post


                                    • #38
                                      I feel for you. I really do.

                                      My husband railed at me because "why the hell did we move to the country if you're not going to ride?" So I started riding; in the afternoon when the kids got home from school; all of us out on our ponies.

                                      He came home early a few times while we were still out. I caught grief for not having supper on the table when he got home.

                                      Everyone is right: riding is the topic but it isn't the issue. You need to have a heart to heart and get to the bottom of this NOW or it will be one "topic" after another...you'll never know peace.
                                      Ride like you mean it.


                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by CanadianBlue View Post
                                        My fiance saw me turn into a crazy person while I wasn't riding and begged me to start riding again. I started riding - no more crazy person. Time away from each other is good and necessary. It allows him to find his own hobbies.
                                        Hahahah this is so me. I need horse therapy to be a good wife! I need "horse time" - and I become a much calmer, more patient person. Hubby encourages me to ride – which I do 6 – 7 days a week, at the barn at least 2 hours every time.

                                        BUT – We do not have kids (thank goodness, not my thing, and I do not have the time any way!) AND he has his hobbies – mountain bikes, dirt bikes – and beer brewing. Leaves lots of time for me to go enjoy my horse without guilt – and he can go enjoy his things with out worrying about me.

                                        OP – not much advice, besides I have a feeling the problem isn’t horses, and that this conflict is a symptom of something greater.
                                        APPSOLUTE CHOCKLATE - Photo by Kathy Colman


                                        • #40
                                          I would suggest encouraging him to find his own hobby. Explain that you are excited to support him and that once or twice a week you are willing either to participate in said hobby with him or watch the kid while he is participating in said hobby. I would strongly recommend that you guys find at least one hobby that you enjoy doing together so that two or three nights a week are not spent separately, though. If he picks up basketball, go to his practices every now and then. You might find him showing up at your lessons. I know that worked with my husband and I. I started going to his band rehearsals and when he realized how much he enjoyed that, he started coming to the barn with me on a regular basis to reciprocate support. If he sees that you are willing to support him while he develops interests of his own then he might feel more inclined to support you while you pursue yours. Sometimes a weird fairness complex kicks in with men.

                                          Like others have said, this really doesn't seem to be about the horses per se, but more about a deeper relationship issue. Overall, though, approach this with kindness and empathy. Maybe he feels left out or taken advantage of. I know that's not your intention, but it doesn't mean that his feelings are less real. Do not approach him with hostility and a "this is how it's going to be, take it or leave it" attitude, as some have suggested. This will only make him adopt the same stance, which will result in a relationship impasse.