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*Update*Husband resents ride time? Post 126

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  • *Update*Husband resents ride time? Post 126

    I've been riding for nearly a year now. I started out riding once a week and I rode right after work came home after I rode, didn't dwadle much. I got lax and started hanging out after my lessons and they increased to twice a week. We discussed it when he started getting mad at the time I was gone from home. Issue fixed. I went back to coming home straight after lessons. I've since moved barns and am back to once a week lessons. Today I broached the topic of perhaps taking 2 lessons a week once in a while starting this week. He absolutely had it out with me. Just angry "I'm always stuck with baby and I'm always taking him with me" I was pretty certain that we divided our time equally. The only time he is "stuck" is the one evening a week I ride. This Friday we both went out seperately, I went to dinner then came home and he left to go out with friends. Even split. The only time this ever comes up is when I talk about riding. I'm at a loss of how to tackle this because I thought we were over it. I think it would be easier if he had a hobby too but he doesn't.
    Last edited by AirForceWife; Jul. 29, 2013, 10:16 AM.

  • #2
    Men - they absolutely need hobbies if you ride. They also need to be prepared to do solo child care time before you reproduce w/ them. It's one reason I didn't want to have kids, I didn't ever want to have that fight. I rarely see anyone on this board (or anywhere else) address the problem w/ tough love for the man: "Sorry, buddy, you wanted a baby too, and here's where the rubber meets the road."
    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

    Comment


    • #3
      Unfortunately from my personal experience with this in a past relationship, it doesn't get any better. It's not going to matter if he has another hobby or not. I wish I had some better words of wisdom for you but I don't. Good luck and I wouldn't let him manipulate you into not riding. He will either get over it or he won't.
      Boyle Heights Kid 1998 16.1h OTTB Dark Bay Gelding
      Tinner's Way x Sculpture by Hail to Reason
      "Once you go off track, you never go back!"

      Comment


      • #4
        My fiance saw me turn into a crazy person while I wasn't riding and begged me to start riding again. I started riding - no more crazy person. Time away from each other is good and necessary. It allows him to find his own hobbies.

        Plus, I dunno about you - but my fiance is in the AirForce also and travels a lot. We don't live near the base so that I am closer to the city, enabling me to work. While he's traveling I need people other than the dog and cat to talk to! Horses provide a common denominator.

        Good luck!

        Comment


        • #5
          I've lost more than one boyfriend and even though they never admitted it, I think my riding had a lot to do with it. But then again I tend to wind up with needy ones.

          I feel like I'm up front once it gets serious/exclusive. I have a high maintenance horse, she needs carefully regulated exercise to avoid expensive vet bills, and I own her (well, really, she owns me!) so she's not going anywhere.

          I don't have any advice for you, just wanted to chime in and say you're not alone! It would be good for him to have his own hobby though!
          Pisgah: 2000 AHHA (Holsteiner x TB) Mare (lower level eventing, with a focus on dressage)

          Darcy: 7? year old Border Collie x Rottweiler? Drama Queen extraordinaire, rescued from the pound in Jan 2010

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          • #6
            He's "stuck" with the baby? Um, isn't his baby too? It's called parenting and men can do it as well as women.
            I'm a second hand Vegan. Cows eat grass. I eat cows.

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            • #7
              I have gone thru 40 years of this, staying married to the same man, who is wonderful except he has no hobbies, is a forever beginner rider, and wants to be joined at the hip to me.

              It kept me from riding endurance. It kept me from all day long rides with clubs or friends. Just the reality of the choice I made.

              On the other hand, he makes 4 times as much as me, paid for said horses, said horses vacations in horse hospitals, new barn, new horse trailer.

              Its hard to bitch too much.
              ********
              There is no snooze button on a cat that wants breakfast.

              Comment


              • #8
                You didn't indicate how old the baby is, but maybe he feels unable to adequately care for the baby at this stage in the game? Some men are insecure around newborn or very young babies. This isn't a good excuse, but maybe he does feel somehow "stuck" or "scared" and it came out as anger toward you and your riding lessons.

                I'd suggest a good sit-down talk when you and he are a little less angry and emotional. Assure him he's a good dad and takes great care of the baby when you are gone. Find out if he is indeed feeling anxious about caring for a baby. Then discuss a schedule of riding lessons and time he can spend with his guy friends if he truly doesn't have any outside hobbies. Communication and compromise are the keys.

                (As an aside, I HATE IT when I hear a dad say he's "babysitting". If they are YOUR KIDS, you're PARENTING!! NOT babysitting! GRRRR!!!)

                Wireweiners and I were posting at the same time, apparently!

                Carry on...
                Alis volat propriis.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I've never been in this situation but I am sorry you're going through it!

                  Like wireweiners, I don't get how he's "stuck with the baby" once or twice a week. Do you work? If not, are you with the baby 24/7 otherwise? What does HE do during the week when he's not at work? Can you get a babysitter for the times when you ride?

                  IMO, this isn't about the baby. Something else is going on in his mind that just isn't coming to the surface. Finances, he wants more attention, he's worried about you getting hurt, or he just wants to control you -- of course, I tend to be slightly paranoid. Until and unless he's willing to confront that reason, this isn't going to be resolved. But it really doesn't sit well with me that he wants to take riding away from you.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I can remember how hard it was for my husband to watch our babies. It seemed they were fussy the whole time I was gone. He never complained, but I would come home to a screaming baby and an exhausted husband and decided at that time I would not put him in that position any more.

                    I think you need to find out if it is your riding or his having to watch the baby that is the problem? If it is only 2 lessons a week see if you can arrange for a sitter during those times? If he actually resents your riding and is using baby as an excuse then you are going to have to be strong and not let him bully you. There is nothing wrong with doing something you enjoy as long as you keep it in perspective and can afford it. 1 or 2 times a week is not a lot to ask for.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Alex and Bodie's Mom View Post
                      Do you work?
                      I would assume the OP works since she said she rides right after work in the OP.

                      Originally posted by AirForceWife View Post
                      I've been riding for nearly a year now. I started out riding once a week and I rode right after work came home after I rode, didn't dwadle much.

                      I think Candyappy gave some good advice. You need to find it out if it is really the riding or the fact that he does not deal well with watching the little one. And yes, it is his baby but that does not mean he has to be good at it.

                      Are there any options for reliable teens to watch the baby while you ride?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Lori B View Post
                        "Sorry, buddy, you wanted a baby too, and here's where the rubber meets the road."
                        This (and also the similar feelings posted below of "it takes two to tango.").

                        Some men think that their role in parenthood is contributing 50% of the DNA and absolutely nothing else.

                        Even if he doesn't have a hobby, for all the times when he's home and he can blissfully ignore providing care for the child because you're home and doing that, I think he can man up and allow you a couple of evenings off. If it's a case of him being uncomfortable with a newborn, see if there aren't any "new dad" classes being held anywhere.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Methinks this isn't a riding problem per se, but a deeper underlying issue of resentment & hurt. Time for some sound, wise, professional counsel.
                          <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Some random thoughts:

                            This is a military family. Those families have some different dynamics than the general populace. Be the Member male or female it remains true.

                            From the OPs story I see an iceberg. That means I see about 10% of the problem. That means there's 90% of the problem I don't see. Under such circumstances rendering advice is difficult to the point of being presumptuous.

                            Except to observe (based on 40 years of marriage to the same spouse, including time on Active Duty and three periods of military and civilian family separation) that the riding thing is the symptom, not the disease. The COUPLE needs some "coaching" to work through from the symptom to the disease. If they don't then the chances of the "sore spot" becoming malignant and killing the relationship are not small.

                            G.
                            Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #15
                              To clairfy just a couple of points. Yes I work, we're both active duty AF. Our son is 2 going on 3 so technically not a "baby" but he's our baby and I still refer to him as that. I absolutely wouldn't have left him with a newborn because he wasn't comfortable with that. In fact, our son is better behaved for him than he is for me. Maybe I'll find a sitter on nights that I ride and then he can do whatever he wants and I can have me time.

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                I have to agree with Guilherme. The "resentment" the husband exhibits when he is being "stuck" with his own offspring is just a symptom of a larger problem and deserves more attention. It isn't about the horses at all. His "resentment" can also be seen as controlling. Is he controlling in other ways too? Is he jealous? Is it possible that he might think there is something other than riding horses going on? Does he feel overwhelmed by his job and parenthood? Does he need a hobby of his own? Maybe some couples counciling with a competent therapist is in order.
                                "My biggest fear is that when I die my husband is going to try to sell all my horses and tack for what I told him they cost."

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  It's usually not about the riding. Either they are supportive about what makes you happy (and vice versa) or not. A friend's husband has this co-dependent thing, it's gotten really bad, but there are other issues involved that go much deeper.

                                  You have a right to your own life (you both do) and to stand up for yourself. It is absolutely imperative to have open communication in a relationship. Even if you just agree to disagree, you need to talk about it and come to a resolution.

                                  Many horse people stay silent and hope their SO will "come around" with time, but if they are resentful, again, it's not about the horses and is unlikely to change, so whether it takes counseling or not, address it head on.
                                  Life doesn't have perfect footing.

                                  Bloggily entertain yourself with our adventures (and disasters):
                                  We Are Flying Solo

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    If men are so damned smart, they can learn to manage small children competently. I totally call BS on the idea that there's something mystical about caring for little ones. (And though I have no kids of my own, I have cared for many kids of various ages.)

                                    Of course it isn't always puppies and rainbows. But it isn't always puppies and rainbows for mothers either.
                                    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
                                    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Have you tried inviting him to the barn and then popping a shovel in his hand? Then after that if he doesn't want to go with you so you can spend time together or watch the kid or anything, it'll be his own decision.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        Originally posted by Guilherme View Post
                                        Some random thoughts:

                                        This is a military family. Those families have some different dynamics than the general populace. Be the Member male or female it remains true.

                                        From the OPs story I see an iceberg. That means I see about 10% of the problem. That means there's 90% of the problem I don't see. Under such circumstances rendering advice is difficult to the point of being presumptuous.

                                        Except to observe (based on 40 years of marriage to the same spouse, including time on Active Duty and three periods of military and civilian family separation) that the riding thing is the symptom, not the disease. The COUPLE needs some "coaching" to work through from the symptom to the disease. If they don't then the chances of the "sore spot" becoming malignant and killing the relationship are not small.

                                        G.
                                        This. Sometimes a good professional (one who has had training in couples issues does not just see a couple or two a year and, as therapy, just applies their hunches to people's relationships) can help with this kind of dynamic. Its possible that "you spend too much time riding/with friends/on work/away from me" is a gridlocked issue. One partner accuses the other of that and the other, predictably, gets defensive (no I don't, you need to grow up, you just sit here and watch TV, etc). And the issue and the feelings that drive it, are never really addressed.. In this case, if the issue is NOT about time with your boy but missing you, then the sitter isn't going to address it.

                                        One exercise professionals use is to have one person (him to start with probably) just talk about how they see the issue, whatever they think.Your job is just to listen, repeat what you hear (with no attitude) and listen. And ask questions - what do you believe about this problem? Does this relate to anything in your history? tell me why this is really important to you, What would be ideal for you here? What do you need? Then, without processing it, switch and you talk about how important your horse time is and he asks you questions. Obviously it's helpful to do with a professional as they can help keep you on track!! It is good because people generally feel heard and not attacked, and sometimes find out the issue is much simpler than they thought!

                                        The idea is that sometimes these seemingly small issues tie into much deeper ones (worry that one is not a real priority to their partner, a history of feeling abandoned and discarded, a sense that one is not that important, whatever). What it sounds like you want is for your husband to know you love him, you love spending time with him, he is a priority AND you love your riding. What is it going to take for you to get to ride and for him to feel okay about it? If the answer is NOTHING, if you husband says NO, I can't STAND you riding or doing anything on your own, well, that is a whole other issue!!!!

                                        In any case, I do think getting some professional support can be helpful, not to grow old with them but to get ideas about how to resolve this kind of thing before people get resentful and then disengaged.

                                        And...riding is important!

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