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When you know something about someone - Ethics in the barn?

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  • It would be unprofessional, IMHO, for you to do anything besides MYOB. I cannot imagine the owner of the company I work for getting involved in ANY way in the personal lives of his employees or clients. The situation is unfortunate, but you are running a business (not a dating service) and should maintain distance from personal relationships. The florist that shared the information with you was acting in a very unprofessional manner and put you in an uncomfortable position. And since the information is second-hand, you would be going one step worse by spreading what is only gossip at this point. Not a reputation you want, I'd think.

    Good luck.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by 3Spots View Post
      The hard part is that if you do nothing, then you are not really being "friends" with the sweet girl, because it will be on your mind and you will feel guilty for holding back the type of information you might normally share.

      I vote with BuddyRoo - that the cad should take the blame, not you.

      But, you must know from the florist that there is something more going on? Sending flowers to two women is not a sin. My ex still sends me flowers even though he has a new gal in his life. We split amicably, could this situation be the same?

      jan
      I agree with this. If sending flowers is the only evidence that he's a cad, that's too thin to make assumptions -- or to say anything to anyone.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by BuddyRoo View Post
        Several angles...you decide:

        1) Current live in: Probably wishes with all her might to believe he is true to her. She will likely not believe you. Will likely be angry at least at first. And has likely resigned to stay with him. She has afterall, put her eggs in that basket as it were.

        2) Side chick: Probably believes that she is in the right, afterall, they have history. Perhaps she knows, perhaps she does not. However, if you mention it to her, she may very well say "game on".

        3) Dude: Thinks he's hot sh!t and is gonna get away with it. Me personally, HE is the one I'd talk to if anyone.

        Why? Because often when you sit someone down who is playing everyone around them, call them out and tell them that they have X time to remedy or YOU are going to take action FOR them? They handle it.

        That is IF you want to do anything at all.

        If you do? Were it me (and I WAS in a similar situation)...

        "Dude, here's the deal. I know what you're up to. I care about these two women. I DON'T care about you. But I'm going to give you the opportunity to make this right. You've got a week. Man up and handle it. I'm not the only one clued in here so your time is limited. I'm willing to keep this under my hat for now. I am offering you the opportunity to make this right."

        At first reading, I agreed with TheJenners about staying out of it completely. Then I read BuddyRoo's advice and wholeheartedly agree with it. Tell the cad to think with the big head rather than the little one for a change, and clean up his mess before you have to step in and clean it up for him. He needs to know that, if he doesn't step up and at least attempt to act like a man, that there will be a LOT of words, and he won't like any of them.

        Best of luck. Being put in the middle of other peoples' selationships sucks rocks.
        In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
        A life lived by example, done too soon.
        www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Chardavej View Post
          We STILL don't know if he is having an affair with her or not! He just ordered flowers, he used to date her,
          Guys I dated never sent flowers WHILE we were dating let alone on 'Sweetest Day' after we were no longer dating.
          And yes I dated ALL the wrong guys, but still.... seems a stretch doesn't it?

          Now is CAD the only guy she's dating and therefore the sperm donor? (rhetorical)

          Woodland, good luck tuning this all out. Seems for all the drama you avoided over the years, you sure are in deep this time. Hope it ends well.
          Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014

          http://notesfromadogwalker.com/2012/...m-a-sanctuary/

          Comment


          • You know, I am both of sides of the fence on this one.

            One because I just watched it happen to my mother. My father had been unfaithful for 15 years and she just found out a couple years ago. Every neighbor knew and not one told her. If someone had told her she would have been able to get out faster. Now she has wasted 15 years of her life.

            On the other hand, giving flowers doesn't prove anything. However, if I found out my SO was giving another woman flowers I'd be pissed.

            I am more creative in the way that instead of telling outright, I would set up a scenario where the woman finds out on her own. (ie: he is there with his other girlfriend-call the current SO and see if she wants to come for a ride-something like that)

            Comment


            • Originally posted by WW_Queen View Post
              I am privy to all of the info at our executive office....a younger man was hired last year, two small children, bright, cheery, about to buy a new house, really engaged in the business, isn't life roses.....then due to unexpected circumstances they had to cut him loose, but I knew for two months he was going to be dropped like a rock but it was not my place to say anything or warn him.
              OUCH!

              I'm glad I'm not in your position. I wouldn't be able to work for a company who knew in advance they'd have to let a new hire go, would have been able to give the guy two extra months to be looking around for other work, and opted not to. That SUCKS a LOT!

              OK, not on topic for this thread -sorry for the sidetracking.

              Comment


              • Oh good grief ....

                Stay out of it. There is a label for the type that Buddyroo is advising you to be: "busybody."

                It is not your place. This kind of crap happens all the time and nothing good ever comes of someone trying to be the "relationship police" by intervening and "saving the day."

                Let nature take it's course ... everything eventually will "come out in the wash..." . Feelings will be hurt, devestation will occurr. It will be ugly. It's unfortunate but it is life and it really is not your place to get involved.

                Comment


                • Buddyroo, can you be my new best friend? I love your advice Actually, there has been alot of good advice given here.........

                  I've also been on both sides of this. I can tell you, I do NOT want to be the last to know and I've made this very clear to my friends. We will no longer be friends if I find out they have ever kept something like this from me. All of my friends feel the same way about this issue, EXCEPT one friend, who does not want to know. But, imo, there are few things worse than being the last to know and letting someone else take your life in their hands.

                  It seems this situation is now too far out of hand with too many unknowns for there to be an easy answer for you. You're there -- you know the people involved. Go with your gut. I agree that confronting the cad involved is a very good option. However, if you don't feel comfortable with that, find some way, even anonymously to get nice girl's atennae up. Usually, that's all it takes. If the cad has no idea she's been given a heads up, no matter how subtle, it will be very easy for her to catch him --- IF she wants to. They get sloppy when they think no one is the wiser. A simple look at his cell phone records will absolutely seal the deal -- I promise you. Given this man's history with these women, I'd be very surprised if nice girl does not immediately follow through and take matters into her own hands. It's taken friends of mine awhile, but they've eventually caught their cheats.

                  I'm currently watching a situation from afar. At one point in my life I would have considered this none of my business. But after watching multiple men wreak havoc on friend's lives, I've had it. As women, and fellow human beings, we need to stick together. If/when I get confirmation that this particular cad is still trying to maintain two gf's at the same time, I promise you, they are both getting anonymous emails from me. It's up to them from there.

                  Better the pain now, then the potential for even more pain and suffering later.

                  Comment


                  • Well...the pregnancy thing was an interesting twist for sure.

                    I'm kind of in the "do nothing, but take notes and write a novel" camp now.

                    Seems way too convoluted. I just feel badly for the girls. Been there, done that, hated it. The worst part was being the last to see the light. Not fun.
                    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                    Might be a reason, never an excuse...

                    Comment


                    • Yikes. Woodland, you just keep humming "Yellow Submarine" and stay the heck away from this one. Doesn't look like there's any happy ending here and you don't need to be associated with it

                      Comment


                      • Ahhh,barn drama. Since I left my position managing a tack shop, I have been out of the barn drama loop...

                        Woodland, you sound like a nice person, and you care about clients. I've known men like the one you mention, and they do not change (heck, you know that too!) There will always be things like this, and I would hate for you to lose any clients over this.
                        My take on this is :leave the florist out of it. She has to make a living.
                        The party girl is fun, and you like her....this is my thought:

                        Why not throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone...encourage everyone to bring significant others...and make if a "couples" shower, with each boarder getting an invitation to bring hubby or boyfriend, girlfriend, and make it a fun night of inexpensive gag gifts, a cake, and so forth. That's kind of an innocent way of letting everyone know, because you are doing something nice for someone. Have "sweet girl" help with invitations or decoration. Let her discover this on her own.
                        I have been there: there is nothing worse than that feeling of the toilet flushing around your heart when you find out the person you love is cheating, but most women tend to "hate" the teller, hate the "other woman," and then turn away in embarrassment. My prediction is a baby shower may pop the cap off this one, and in a few months time, it will all work out.
                        My Dad always said "If someone does you wrong, just give it a year...it will take care of itself" He was alway right!
                        Keep your clients as clients, you can (an obviously do) care about them.
                        What would you try if you knew you would not fail?

                        Comment


                        • Another perspective

                          Woodland, I know you've already made your decision, but here's a different perspective.

                          I have several very good male friends. My husband is well aware of them and is fine with it. I hide nothing from my husband.

                          Recently, I found out I have to put my old mare down...I got the results of the tests at work. I was very upset and one of my good male friends came over and hugged me. Someone saw the hug, and sent my husband an anonymous note saying I was having an affair with said co-worker.

                          Luckily, my husband is a great guy and understood the situation and said he would have hugged one of his close friends given the same situation too.

                          Please don't cause problems without knowing the whole story.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Mach Two View Post
                            Why not throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone...encourage everyone to bring significant others...and make if a "couples" shower, with each boarder getting an invitation to bring hubby or boyfriend, girlfriend, and make it a fun night of inexpensive gag gifts, a cake, and so forth. That's kind of an innocent way of letting everyone know, because you are doing something nice for someone. Have "sweet girl" help with invitations or decoration. Let her discover this on her own.
                            Best Idea EVER!!!! And if Party Girl is a first-time mother then no one will be surprised that there's a baby shower being held for her.

                            Comment


                            • I wouldn't talk to any of them, first and foremost for your professional reputation. Stay out, and if anyone gossips, shut them up quick and tell them to keep gossip out of the barn. If you talk to any of them, you are opening the barn to the draaahhhma.

                              And don't be so sure she doesn't know. What women show to the world is rarely what is true at home. With that in mind, also, I'd stay out of it.
                              Airborne? Oh. Yes, he can take a joke. Once. After that, the joke's on you.

                              Comment


                              • throw a barn baby shower and invite everyone.
                                I think if I were in 'nice' girl's shoes, I'd be even more pissed off at someone doing something this manipulative rather than flat out telling me what they thought was going on.

                                Sounds like throwing a cat into a bunch of dogs just to watch what happens.
                                Delicious strawberry flavored death!

                                Comment


                                • Originally posted by EponaRoan View Post
                                  I think if I were in 'nice' girl's shoes, I'd be even more pissed off at someone doing something this manipulative rather than flat out telling me what they thought was going on.

                                  Sounds like throwing a cat into a bunch of dogs just to watch what happens.

                                  I agree. Sounds like a move motivated by shadenfrued.
                                  "Aye God, Woodrow..."

                                  Comment


                                  • I just remember that feeling --- when you get your first clue that the man you love is lying to you or hiding something. It ate at me until I had no choice but to figure out what is was. Of course, I was crushed. But it would have been so much worse if any of my friends had known and not told me. The idea that anyone else knew -- even, for example, the bartender at our favorite place -- drove me crazy. I wondered how big a fool he had made out of me. Maybe that's just me -- perhaps too much pride. But there was some satisfaction out of taking control of the situation, getting to the bottom of it and doing what needed done. There's an old Barry Manilow song that reminds me of that sad time but sums it up pretty well....he said "I made it through the rain, and found myself respected, by the others who, got rained on too".

                                    It happens. The important part is to have the support of the people around you and come out of it a stronger, wiser person.

                                    Comment


                                    • Wow! I'm a bit surprised that party girl didn't know how to use contraception. Nothing takes the party out of a party girl faster than a baby . . . ;-)

                                      Comment


                                      • Originally posted by hollyhorse2000 View Post
                                        Wow! I'm a bit surprised that party girl didn't know how to use contraception. Nothing takes the party out of a party girl faster than a baby . . . ;-)
                                        Maybe Partygirl knew very well what she was doing, in hopes of getting her man this way.

                                        Comment

                                        • Original Poster

                                          Originally posted by soccermom711 View Post
                                          Of course, I was crushed. But it would have been so much worse if any of my friends had known and not told me. The idea that anyone else knew --
                                          I do worry about this part.....a lot......
                                          "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there"

                                          Comment

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