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Trainer Issues

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  • #41
    What I fear most is if she's this boldly abusive to you, she's probably 10 times worse to your horse when you aren't there. If you're crying over what she tells you, my god what she doesn't tell you!....

    Please move this horse. One uncomfortably social day could save your horse's sanity (and yours)
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    • #42
      I would give notice ASAP and MOVE the horse tomorrow, even if you lose board money for a month. Not worth another minute of this BS.
      "The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"


      • #43
        OP, imagine if this had been a daycare run by your best friend ever and she was caring for your toddler child and made all those statements about your child and handed your child off to you in that manner, and she'd been doing this for months and months. If your child wound up being a real problem at home who should you blame?

        Please move your horse ASAP, even to some low end trainerless barn with good care.
        Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
        Incredible Invisible


        • #44
          Okay, I've read most of the post, well, the shorter ones anyway. My ADHD kind of makes me lose it on the longer ones but I'm sure I have the gist of things.

          OP, stop it. Stop 'planning' and get to 'doing'. I've not had a trainer since 4-H so I don't understand this part but, do grow a spine and do something. If you need a break from horses, that's fine and great, I've done that too. You can always come back to the hosses and enjoy.

          I'm leaning towards the trainer running her down to you and hoping to scoop her up for a song. Although I don't quite suss out why she would do this to a long term client, the $1K a month would stop and then the feed money would come out of her pocket. So, a little ?? for me.

          If nothing else, find someone else to sell her today and don't look back.
          GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!


          • #45
            Trainers such as this one are infuriating. They turn riders off. They sell them unsuitable horses, although this may not be the case here, they teach poorly leaving riders frustrated. All for the sake of the dollar, the dollar they are not really entitled to, as they haven't done a decent thing to earn it.

            Of course, at a certain time in life, riders should wake up, look around and run for their lives, or at least get a new trainer.

            Maybe it's not too late for this rider.
            Some riders change their horse, they change their saddle, they change their teacher; they never change themselves.

            Remember the horse does all the work, we just sit there and look pretty.


            • #46
              Please be sure to come back and post an update telling us you have found another place! (I am hoping that will be really soon now. You and your horse deserve better; it is up to you to make it happen for both of you. You can do it!)
              Last edited by sdlbredfan; Mar. 24, 2013, 09:15 PM. Reason: typo
              RIP Sasha, best dog ever, pictured shortly before she died, Death either by euthanasia or natural causes is only the end of the animal inhabiting its body; I believe the spirit lives on.


              • Original Poster

                Thank You You are all so supportive. It's nice to come here to have an objective audience to help you figure out what you need to do


                • #48
                  Originally posted by horsecrazy12 View Post
                  Thank You You are all so supportive. It's nice to come here to have an objective audience to help you figure out what you need to do
                  So are you moving?
                  I want a signature but I have nothing original to say except: "STHU and RIDE!!!

                  Wonderful COTHER's I've met: belleellis, stefffic, snkstacres and janedoe726.


                  • Original Poster

                    Yes, I'm in the process of locating a new barn and trainer


                    • #50
                      Good for you. It's tough, but it's worth it.

                      He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


                      • #51
                        I know that since you have been at the barn for a long time it is frightening to move, but it will be better in the long term. Even if you do decide to sell your mare, a trainer that does not have the history with you and the horse will be able to do a better job of marketing her.

                        Trainers sometimes forget that clients are exactly that - clients - and they deserve respect. My trainer would never talk poorly of any other client or horse to any of us, other than a general "the mares are in a mood today" kind of comment. We had someone leave under less than ideal circumstances last year and the trainer never said a bad thing about departing horse/rider to any of us. That is what a TRUE professional does.


                        • #52
                          Wise saying says: Don't ever use a trainer, or let someone ride, who doesn't like your horse. Probably goes across the board for child care and everything else in life!

                          And heed that saying: Be a doormat, get treated like one.

                          Now how can this person truly best represent and sell your horse? and I ditto what may be going on behind your back.

                          Good luck and maybe a new start may turn things around.


                          • #53
                            Is there an update yet? I am so hoping the OP has found a better place.
                            RIP Sasha, best dog ever, pictured shortly before she died, Death either by euthanasia or natural causes is only the end of the animal inhabiting its body; I believe the spirit lives on.


                            • #54
                              I am just echoing what everyone else is telling you, but I will first say GET OUT of the relationship with the trainer.

                              And I hope my story will help you. Six years ago I bought a 7 year old mare from a very reputable trainer. Her family bred my mare, and I had worked extensively with this trainer. We all thought it was a great fit.

                              Since the trainer lives quite a distance from me, I could not continue training with her, other than the few times a year she came back to the area for clinics. So I had my mare with another trainer, which turned into a nightmare. This trainer regularly screamed at and fought with my mare. The trainer wasn't all that nice to me, either. It was just a nightmare, and became so bad in the space of a year that my mare became unhappy. My horse, who was starting flying changes when I bought her, would not steer or canter. She just shut down.

                              So I pulled my mare from the trainer and thought seriously about selling her, which I really didn't want to do. I put my horse in full training with another trainer, and within 3 weeks my horse and I were cantering again, outside of lessons, and working on flying changes with the trainer.

                              I ultimately moved on to my current trainer. My mare and I did our first PSG in February. This is the same horse I could not canter 5 years ago, and was told I would "ruin in 6 months if I kept riding her."

                              Find a better situation for you and your horse and see what happens. Life is MUCH too short to spend with dysfunctional relationships like the one you are describing. And please keep us posted on how you and your horse are doing.


                              • #55
                                It's beyond me why I continue to maintain this relationship with my trainer, because I could find the same quality of riding without the burden of going home feeling like garbage all the time.
                                Why are you then? Why not just move to another barn? I will never understand why people put up with this kind of treatment.
                                blogging at HN: http://www.horsenation.com/
                                check out my writing: http://jeseymour.com
                                Just out: http://www.barkingrainpress.org/dd-p...ead-poisoning/


                                • #56
                                  Why do people put up with this kind of treatment? Because we're human beings and we want to see the best in people, we want to give people a chance, when we invest in a relationship we're loathe to lose the investment. And make no mistake we all do it. Do you have family? You've put up with stuff.

                                  IMO no need to say something to make people feel bad about being human.

                                  He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


                                  • #57
                                    Originally posted by paulaedwina View Post
                                    Why do people put up with this kind of treatment? Because we're human beings and we want to see the best in people, we want to give people a chance, when we invest in a relationship we're loathe to lose the investment. And make no mistake we all do it. Do you have family? You've put up with stuff.

                                    IMO no need to say something to make people feel bad about being human.

                                    I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I've seen this over and over, and from the stories told through this thread, it really isn't that uncommon. But I don't understand why people put up with this. I did it myself, riding with a big name trainer who thought I was an idiot, until I woke up and walked away. I don't understand why I put up with it! (although I will admit he taught me more during those 3 years of abuse than I ever learned riding with anyone else.)
                                    blogging at HN: http://www.horsenation.com/
                                    check out my writing: http://jeseymour.com
                                    Just out: http://www.barkingrainpress.org/dd-p...ead-poisoning/


                                    • #58
                                      No problem, 4corners. BTW you should be kinder to yourself too. The bad guy there was the idiot big name trainer.

                                      He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


                                      • #59
                                        Also wondering about an update. I know (first hand) that these things take time. It took about 2 months for me to get everything in place before I could make the break from my old trainer.

                                        paulaedwina---just to shed light on your question...sometimes it's easier to have a better perspective when you are outside of the situation. I stayed, because I was led to believe that I would fail if I didn't stay. When I told my old trainer I was leaving...she backed me into a corner, pressuring me, and asking me a hundred questions all at once. She would make comments like "your horses are not going to get the attention they deserve", "you are not doing the best for your horses" It was intimiation at it's finest. She made me feel like the only one who knew best about their care and riding was herself, and I was just an idiot. Well...now, that I am no longer under that tyranny...my horses are thriving...I'm thriving...and I am making new friends again and having the time of my life.

                                        It was damn hard to make the break. I had invested 10 years into what I thought was a friendship. There was a lot of trust. I was scared to go at it alone. I was worried that I was making the wrong decision for my horses. It turns out that all of those things I was afraid of, were wrong. I have found a place that takes fabulous, kind care of both ME and my horses!

                                        These type of moves are tough, no matter what. Even when we know deep down that it's for the best...it's just not black and white when so much is at stake. The saddest thing...is that it happens so often. In the case of my former trainer...she doesn't realize that she drives people away. She doesn't realize that she was being abusive. It's her personality. But, when I was making up excuses to not go to the barn...I knew it was time to leave. When I could tell my mare was not happy, and I knew in my gut something was not right...I should have made the move sooner. I look at my gelding, and he has a spark in his eyes and a spring in his step that he never had before. I know what I did was right...and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

                                        I have lost a few friends over the move...but I have gained more. Honestly, looking back, I'm not sure they were truly friends. If they had been...they would have called or emailed by now to find out my side of the story.

                                        OP...make the break. I know it's hard. I know you are torn...but it is for the best! You will find that your gut will be at peace, and your mare will be the darling horse you know her to be.
                                        Unashamed Member of the Dressage Arab Clique
                                        CRAYOLA POSSE= Thistle