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How do you do it? (business/friendship struggle)

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  • How do you do it? (business/friendship struggle)

    I'm letting my friend keep her horse at my backyard farm. It's been rough but we've finally got things straightened out.

    It's nice having a bit of extra income and a little bit less work (she works off some of her board by feeding and suck).

    However, being young and women.. we sometimes have tiffs be it about the farm or life in general (we are best friends).

    It annoys me because if i'm mad at her (I know that sounds immature, because it is!!) I don't feel like putting that aside to talk about horse stuff, but obviously if stuff needs to be done it needs to be done.

    Sometimes I feel like she allows herself to be a b!tch and then uses the horses to smooth things over. Like "i'm going to be really rude to you about something at 10am... then when 5am comes around I"m going to text you and be like- your horse is so cute, do you know where the new supplements are?".. and obviously I have to answer.

    How do you keep a good personal and business relationship going?

    (and yes, we have a contract!)

  • #2
    Boundaries. In your case, make appointments to discuss horse stuff -phone appointments, for example, and then have the conversation about horse stuff. If you want to then talk about friend stuff, hang up and call back. It sounds silly, but if you need help with boundaries this will be useful. It's like potty training puppies -you need boundaries. Go out to potty OR to play, not both.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).

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    • #3
      "You get as you give," OP.

      So you are old enough to own horses, own a place, write a contract, but not old enough to not rest on the "Hey, we're young and women so we behave badly sometimes"..... but you want her to cut it out?

      And if you are angry at her, you don't want put that aside in order to talk business about caring for the horses together? You want you current fight to take precedence over that?

      IMO, a contract is only as good as the people behind it. If you don't plan on behaving like a professional (either of you), then the only way that contract does any real work is when you have to enforce it. That's a PITA.

      I hope I have understood the OP correctly.
      The armchair saddler
      Politically Pro-Cat

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      • #4
        'It annoys me because if i'm mad at her (I know that sounds immature, because it is!!) I don't feel like putting that aside to talk about horse stuff, but obviously if stuff needs to be done it needs to be done.'

        Maybe you need to think about your style of anger. Do you hold onto it? Like to stew for a couple of days? Maybe you cant articulate what you want to say so it just bugs you for days? Maybe your friend has a different style? Maybe when she's done with the argument she's done? Doesn't think about it again kind of thing, so, not trying to make up later, it just doesn't cross her mind that you are still mad over something that happened hours ago?

        Most of my friends are the latter type. We argue etc but then it's DONE and we carry on. However, one friend hangs onto stuff and it causes her sleepless nights and heaps of stress. ATM we cut her slack and accept that her upbringing has meant she doesn't have the skills to even give her opinion if it contradicts someone else. She is trying to be more assertive and we are trying to be patient. But you know...it's hard work trying to figure out what she's mad about, and the whole 'not talking to you' thing is very wearying!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by 2LaZ2race View Post
          It's nice having a bit of extra income and a little bit less work (she works off some of her board by feeding and suck).
          Sounds like an interesting boarding arrangement to me.
          Where Fjeral Norwegian Fjords Rule
          http://www.ironwood-farm.com

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          • #6
            Ugh...please don't chalk up, admittedly, immature behavior to being "young and female". There are plenty of young women who are perfectly capable of maintaining mutually respectful personal and business relationships. If you own a horse and a barn and can legally sign a contract, you must be an adult...and, as such, should expect yourself to act like one.

            The fact that you realize that your reaction to your friend is immature is good! Many people aren't that self-aware. Now, all you have to do is take responsiblity for it and do something about it. Sure, you may not be able to control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.

            If your friend is truly rude to you, say something right then...stand up for yourself and call her on it (without being aggressive or putting her on the defensive). If you use "I", it will be less likely to start a fight. "I feel badly when you say something like to me". A best friend won't want to hurt you...maybe she doesn't realize that what's she saying is offensive to you? You need to tell her it is. Then, let it go. Stewing about it all day, until you don't feel like talking business with her is what's causing your problems. Grudgeholding, even just for a day, hurts you more than the one you are mad at.

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            • #7
              Your farm, your rules. Lay out what you want, be frank about it, let her know you value your friendship more than your business arrangement. You want to be sure that if she isn't happy about how you want things run that you would rather put a stop to it now so that you don't ruin your friendship.

              I for one refused to ever be a roommate with one of my very best friends... I knew it would ruin our friendship. (Me=slob, her=neat freak.)
              where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Dreamwalker View Post
                Maybe you need to think about your style of anger. Do you hold onto it? Like to stew for a couple of days? Maybe you cant articulate what you want to say so it just bugs you for days? Maybe your friend has a different style? Maybe when she's done with the argument she's done? Doesn't think about it again kind of thing, so, not trying to make up later, it just doesn't cross her mind that you are still mad over something that happened hours ago?
                This. Unless these frequent arguments are about Big Important Things (in which case you really need to evaluate your friendship), then I'd say the way you make this arrangement work is to stop getting angry so often. Sounds simplistic but getting angry (and staying angry) is 100% your choice. No one ever "makes you mad", or makes you say hurtful things-- that was a choice you made. So the fix is easy: just choose differently. Brush it off, don't give it any brain space, ignore, assume the best of intentions, learn how to deploy the phrase "Why bless your heart!"
                Again, I am assuming that your tiffs are about minor things. If these are more serious issues and/or she continually cutting you down, then I'd say she's not the right boarder for you (or friend).

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