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When do you disclose drug use by a teen?

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  • #81
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I appreciate being treated the way others would like to be treated not having someone going behuind by back because they could not tell me how they felt. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    I hear you, but you have to realize that when faced with having to discuss somethign unpleasant with a strong-willed person, there are a LOT of people in this world that will find an "easy way out" rather than deal with the confrontation. It doesn't make them bad people... they just don't want to (or don't know how to) confront a strong person. Good or bad, it's a fact of life. Something for you to possibly think about next time it happens (and it will, I guarantee) and then react a bit better (aka more mature).

    SM -- very well handled in the end. Bravo!

    ************
    If Dressage is a Symphony... Eventing is Rock & Roll!!!

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    • #82
      Silly Mommy..

      From what you described....you handled it perfectly. Nothing accusatory...nothing over the top.

      As I had posted earlier..we didn't know all these little details that are so important. And this is obviously a subject that everyone feels strongly about!

      My kingdom for a horse
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      • #83
        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I appreciate being treated the way others would like to be treated not having someone going behuind by back because they could not tell me how they felt. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

        Tyedye, I'm sorry if I offended you, but "being treated like others would like to be treated" (or being treated like an adult) is something one needs to EARN, as I originally suggested. It doesn't just happen because one reaches a certain age. Again, my apologies if what I said was harsh or insulting to you...I realize it may seem that way, but as an adult who sometimes has to make "unpopular" decisions that make people upset, I just thought I'd point out that potential side of the story.

        "If you think your hairstyle is more important than your brain, you're probably right." Wear a helmet!
        Kelly
        Bonnie
        Gwen
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        • #84
          The more I read the posts of the teens who say don't tell, the more I'm convinced there is a moral as well as legal responsibility to do just that.

          My oldest daughter turned ten this summer and around here we have watched my intelligence drop like a rock. I didn't know I could get so dumb so fast! The assumption on this thread that the parents are so powerless is amazing. (As is the automatic assumption that we should judge how effective these parents can be--as if effectivness and a teen's short term happiness are related. ) I may not be able to make my child stop doing drugs but I can be pretty darn influential in making my child want to stop. It may throw my family life in caos for the short term--I can gaurentee you ain't nobody gonna be happy--but don't you teenagers think I would find you worth it?

          As much as teenagers denign it, there is PLENTY of research out there that confirms that parents DO and CAN have a positive effect on their teenager's drug use.

          If this were the 1950's would we as adults be having this "do we tell?" conversation? I don't think so at all. (And I admit here I wasn't nearly the adament "yes" on page 1 that I am on page 5.) We didn't have a teenage drug problem in 1950. Yes, we had it but it certainly wasn't the culture it is today. Is this an effect of not living in tight knit communities and neighborhoods anymore?

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          • #85
            For all of the young ones, the reason we explode and rant, complain and interfere is love! Until you have children you will never understand the love a parent has for their child (most, some just shouldn't be parents but that's a whole other issue)
            Parents live in fear every day wondering if the decisions they made for their children are correct and will it help or hinder you. Face it, you guys didn't come with a manual, we have to wing it and hope for the best.
            Everytime I freak out on my daughter, nag, complain, and discipline her, it's because I love her and I want her to grow up to be a good person with her head on straight. I don't want to ruin her fun. I know my daughter will experiment just as she knows I will kick her A** when (not if) I catch her.
            When you get a little older you will understand why we parents act the way we do.

            A good friend will come bail you out of jail....a true friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn..we screwed up"
            ~~At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits~~

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            • #86
              Tell her parents. If she wants to indulge later as a grownup, that's up to her. But as long as she is under age, tell her parents.

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              • #87
                Sometimes life just sucks but the bottom line is: This girl is the responsibility of her parents. They should be informed.

                It doesn't matter how grown up and mature teenagers think they are... they aren't. I thought I was, when I was that age. Now I have seen enough of life to know better.

                In this particular case, this girl does not even have the judgement to be discreet about her behavior. And HELLO! we all know that being around horses is usually fun and relaxing. But it can change to life threatening in the blink of an eye. Not the situation where someone should be lighting up, IMO.

                If teens are really mature, they should know that there is fallout from the choices they make. I don't generally think anyone really benefits from being sheltered from the consequences of their behavior in situations like this. Tell her parents, they have a right to know.
                See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

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                • Original Poster

                  #88
                  Somewhere on page 4 I mentioned that I have told her parents, just not in an accusatory manner, more of giving the events as I perceived them and letting them decide whether or not "poopsie" just happened to be standing near a burning roach.

                  Hakuna Matata!!!

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                  • #89
                    SM - just the facts ma'am!

                    You done right!

                    It was up to you to stick to the facts, and it's now up to her folks to determine what to do with those facts.

                    I have enjoyed reading the varied responses on this very important subject, however.

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                    • #90
                      SM, you done good.

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                      • #91
                        Yeah, after reading what everyone had to say, I agree.
                        I thought about this a lot today, and I determined that should anyone catch me doing drugs or high or anything like that (not that they would but see below for that one ), yes, they should tell my parents. Because, ultimatly they are responsible for me until I hit 18 (the day can't come soon enough!).
                        And while I know I would be ticked off and annoyed at my trainer should she do that, and probably never speak to her again, in the long run it would be for the best. When I was older and wiser, I would probably be flattered that someone would care about me enough...
                        And I also think that maybe she WANTED to get caught. It sounds bizarre, but it could be. Its not really too hard to hide and maybe she wanted someone to notice so she could get some help.
                        SM- I agree with your decision! WHOA...I just sided with an adult

                        If riding were all blue ribbons and bright lights, I would have quit long ago.
                        ~George Morris
                        If riding were all blue ribbons and bright lights, I would have quit long ago.
                        ~George Morris

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                        • #92
                          Don't worry MCS, your secret is safe with us, we won't tell that your maturity is showing!

                          A good friend will come bail you out of jail....a true friend will be sitting next to you saying "Damn..we screwed up"
                          ~~At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits~~

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                          • #93
                            You have an obligation as an adult to disclose this to her parents! I wouldn't even consider not telling them.

                            There are too many dangers associated with drug use, and life is too precious to play around with accidental death.

                            Please get this person the help they need!

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                            • #94
                              OHHHH I thought this was YOUR kid..haha ok then the scenario changes a bit..
                              I have a story that relates a bit..OK so for my other sport a bunch of us went away to compete with our coach. He KNEW that drug use was happening(of the weed variety as well as more serious stuff), and so he called a meeting for all of us, told us the hotel staff had found someone's stash and they were threatening to kick us out/call the police. If we got rid of this then we would be allowed to stay etc. We ALL believed this and it esentially stopped..I only found out this year that he completely lied to us about the whole situation, the hotel people never knew, he just wanted it to stop, but wanted to use a more effective manner than simply saying "STOP"..I don't know..worked for us there, however didn't really work places we camped..so I don't know..GOOD LUCK

                              *Wonder*

                              "What made her great destroyed her"
                              *Wonder*

                              \"What made her great destroyed her\"

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                              • #95
                                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Silly Mommy:
                                I was most annoyed that she did it while under my watch, adn I was trying to cut her a break.
                                <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
                                See, I still think you have handled this most excellently You were pissed off and as her boss/trainer let her know that in no uncertain terms, probably gaining her respect there. You however did not feel the need to belittle her or become righteously angry. You managed to let her parents know you were worried about her in a non-threatening yet timely way and after sussing out her mother a little bit. Big gold star I'll send you my kids anytime

                                I think it's great that all these people on here assume that the parents are going to "help" their daughter. BUT, life is not always like that. In high school someone informed one of my friends parents that they thought he was smoking weed. Anyone who knew them )or had an ounce of common sense) would not have done so. When he went home that day his step-dad beat the living sh$t out of him. It was not pretty. I knew of several situations like that, not all involving drugs either, where calling the parents was NOT the right thing to do, hell even calling the cops would have been better. Sometimes it's good to be cautious. Remember Silly Mommy had no proof and knew nothing about the family, where the kid got the weed, nothing... I agree this kid has a problem but it's amazing to me that so many people just know what it is and how to best solve it...

                                [This message was edited by maggymay on Aug. 12, 2003 at 08:15 PM.]

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                                • #96
                                  Hmmm, I can't believe I have actually read through this whole thread ( I think I was practicing a little procrastination over a big project at work )and I can't say that I have anything to say about how to handle the situation, seems like SM did an excellent job. What is perturbing me is that it appears that there is some kind of an adults vs the teens thing shaping up.
                                  I will be the first to admit that I am probably kind of naive about raising a child who is complicated, but I just wanted to throw out here, lest it appear to all that there are no teens and parents who get along, I love, love love my daughter.....and she loves me. All through those complicated growing up years, we were able to talk about things. As one teen suggested on this thread, not all parents fly off the handle about hard issues.
                                  A little story: When my daughter was the ripe old age of 4,I was trying to get her ready to go somewhere, I am sure I was in a total frazzle, and I said to her -" Come on, you are driving me crazy" ( use your imagination on the tone of voice I used ). She looked up at me, wise beyond her years, and said "Mom, you drive yourself crazy." Whoa, sit down, back up and take a chill pill. Out of the mouths of babes. From that day forward, I tried to remember that stunning moment whenever we got to a crossroads where we would potentially butt heads. I always took a moment to think " am I driving myself crazy about this for no good reason or do I have good reason to feel crazy about this".
                                  It worked for us. She is coming home next week to celebrate her 20th birthday at home, with her Mom. I really hope most of you have better relationships at home than it appears here....because it is true what one poster said, parents do act out of love, in most cases.
                                  Note: I am, of course, completely not including the ones who physically abuse their children in the above statement.
                                  Ahhh, just go kiss your Mom for no good reason.

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                                  • #97
                                    I think you handled the situation well. You werein the position and treated it as you felt was most appropriate.

                                    I don't want to reallyupset anyone but I would reccomnd talking to her.. letting her know what's at stake... what she can gain what she can lose... That she and her horse can become a great team, or she can lose her etc etc.

                                    Good luck

                                    //Jennie\\
                                    "the hardest part isn't finding who we need to be,
                                    it's being content with who you are."
                                    See my albulm
                                    Jennie
                                    \"If you\'re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.\"-Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

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                                    • #98
                                      Another teenager's perspective.

                                      I hope that if I ever get into problems, someone will speak up and tell my parents. If I were to ever get involved in drugs, that means somewhere along the line I lost control- and need help to realize that I've taken the wrong path.

                                      Parents can, and do have a strong influence on a teenagers life- and while the teen may not like the way the parent handles the problem- it needs to be dealt with, and the teen is clearly not capable of doing that on their own.

                                      Also, pot today isn't what it used to be- and while pot alone won't kill you, there have been many instances of dealers mixing a "heavier" drug in with pot to make it more addictive so the kid keeps coming back. And those drugs CAN kill you.

                                      Although, that being said, my 19 year-old friend who lives with her parents has taken up smoking- ordinary cigarettes- which is perfectly legal. Her parents do not seem to know. I have asked her to quit, and she knows perfectly well how unhealthy it is but she's still smoking. I want her to stop, but I'm not sure how to get this to happen without destroying our friendship. Although, it's hard for me to be around her when she smokes because while I'm not alergic, I have a very low tolerance for smoke.

                                      Here, in this case, with an adult doing something legal- what would you do? Tell the family, risk the3 friendship- talk to my friend again, or something else?

                                      Valerie- UC Davis Student
                                      ~VWiles02@yahoo.com~
                                      www.farwestfarms.com
                                      www.vanvleckranch.com

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                                      • #99
                                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by In The Gate:
                                        it's hard for me to be around her when she smokes because while I'm not alergic, I have a very low tolerance for smoke.

                                        Here, in this case, with an adult doing something legal- what would you do? Tell the family, risk the3 friendship- talk to my friend again, or something else? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
                                        MYOB. She can do whatever she wants at this point- she's an adult. Ratting her out to her parents is only likely to make her life suck.

                                        You live in Davis, I used to live in Davis and I know it's practically a capital crime to smoke anywhere in that town so it shouldn't be too hard for you to avoid it.

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                                        • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maggymay:
                                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by In The Gate:
                                          it's hard for me to be around her when she smokes because while I'm not alergic, I have a very low tolerance for smoke.

                                          Here, in this case, with an adult doing something legal- what would you do? Tell the family, risk the3 friendship- talk to my friend again, or something else? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
                                          MYOB. She can do whatever she wants at this point- she's an adult. Ratting her out to her parents is only likely to make her life suck.

                                          You live in Davis, I used to live in Davis and I know it's practically a capital crime to smoke anywhere in that town so it shouldn't be too hard for you to avoid it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                          Maggymay, the way I read it, it is her business because what her friend is doing is affecting her (In The Gate's) health.

                                          In The Gate: Have you told your friend that the smoke is REALLY bothering you and that you would like it if she didn't smoke around you? If you have, and she continues, well, maybe you need to think about how good a friend this is.

                                          "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."
                                          -Louisa May Alcott
                                          "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." ~ Jack Layton

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