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Am I One Dimensional?

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  • Am I One Dimensional?

    I've lost another girl friend to my horse passion. Maybe I am looking in the wrong place. Maybe I haven't found the right girl. Yet, the story is the same.
    Here's the deal: I am moderately successful, never been married, work my traditional 9 to 5 job. My horses, though, and my shows and races are my passion. I spend most of my free time driving from show to show, practicing or simply riding. If you are a horse person, you know what I mean.
    I've had a string of girl friends over the past ten years. I'd like to get married and start a family. Each and every girl has told me the same thing: I spend too much time on the horses and that they are tired of being in second place. Even though I've tried to take up activities that the girl likes, I am still labled the same way: One Dimensional!
    Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it? Any advice would be appreciated. Horses take a lot of time. How do I balance?

  • #2
    So what you're trying to say is that in a hobby/sport dominated by women with the same problem, you are unable to find anyone who understands? Are you kidding?!!


    • #3
      sketcher, why would he want to date someone who would put her horse first?


      • #4
        Originally posted by josh.nixonX View Post
        How do I balance?
        I reckon a good deal more money than "moderately successful" would tip the scales. (JK -- but only sorta). However, the direction the scales would tip might not be all that desirable.


        • #5
          Maybe it's not really about the horses, but that's the most obvious and easiest thing to point to?

          Or maybe you are overly focused on the horses and simply do not have the additional time and energy required to maintain a meaningful relationship?

          For people who are really dedicated to being competitive while maintaining their 9-5 job, having horses means long days...it also means some loss of freedom to just pack up and take a long weekend...hang out and do nothing...etc etc. Some people think they like the idea of horses and hanging out with horse folks...but they think of horses like a bicycle. Something you just take out and use when you wish. Anyone who has tried to keep a horse in shape for competition knows that you simply CAN'T take 3-5 days off and expect to be prepared.

          If it really IS about the horse time, perhaps finding someone who is also into horses and the lifestyle that comes with it would be wise?

          Personally...as one who works a little more than 9-5 plus a little extra to help pad the horse budget....as one who likes doing chores....as one who prefers to go ride over sitting at home watching a movie in the middle of the day? I understand.

          But you do have to make some effort to set aside time for another person. Else....don't have another person in your life.

          All that said...I think a lot of people look for another person in their life to kind of complete them. They feel lost without someone. They are not good at being alone. And I think a lot of horse people would almost RATHER be alone with the critters than doing most things with other people

          Sorry, I'm not helpful. Single horse gal here. And I'm just fine with that. I prefer that people have their own friends and hobbies. I don't really want someone in my horse life with me. That's me time. And the older I get, the more important it becomes to me.
          A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

          Might be a reason, never an excuse...


          • #6
            Isn't the answer obvious?? You have to find a woman who loves horses!! There are sooooo many of them out there...more so than men!!
            "My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sunlight and nicker to me in the night"


            • #7
              You really can't think you are going to find a person who wants to be in a relationship with you if you are never present. If you work all day, then ride all during your free time, you basically have no time to invest in someone else. Your best bet is to find a girl who is as into horses as you are, but be warned, don't expect to have kids and still live the same life as you are now. That would be grossly unfair to all. Good luck!
              "Your best can be worn at any length"- Jason Mraz


              • #8
                Horsie guy + horsie woman doesn't always = bliss. We all know the possibility of finding two horse people who share the same equine ideas and ideals are very rare. It could cause more issues in a relationship to have two people with the same passion/hobby who do things two totally different ways. It's tough enough upsetting the other with how time consuming this hobby is, it could be worse to have them glued to your side 24/7 saying, "That's wrong, that's not how *I* do it!"
                Josh, first welcome to Coth. Second, expect a lot of hilarity coupled with a lot of disagreement. There's always a good chance of meeting and being compatible with another horse woman, and please be sure to keep that option open. My advice would be to make sure the female shares similar horsekeeping styles as you to avoid future arguments.
                Or consider taking up another discipline for fun...say if you ride hunters or jumpers all the time, try signing up for something fun like team penning or trying out cowboy mounted shooting or take a few lessons in saddleseat or driving. People of two different disciplines might have a better chance of not arguing since things can be done so differently.
                Or...try a woman who already has a strong love/passion for animals other than horses. She will probably be more understanding of someone spending so much time with thier pet of choice. Maybe someone who shows or breeds or rescues dogs...or someone who does wildlife rehab...ro works in a zoo or something like that.
                My husband was middle aged and had never ever even had one single pet in his life. (poor guy) But, he did think horses were pretty cool, as well as all other animals and when I noticed him being very compassionate around animals I knew we'd be a good match. Now he's worse than I am with the animal obsessions, LOL! He was the one insisting we move and buy a small farmette to have more horses and so we didn;t have to leave the housepets to go see the horses at a boarding barn. He even follows the wildlife around trying to make friends. (which the wildlife doesn't seem to like )
                So it can work out and there are the right matches out there. You're not one dimensional, just passionate about your hobby because your hobby involves living things and tends to make people have OCD over them.
                Also, do make sure at some point to see if the woman has an interest in being a mother if you're really looking forward to a family. Many horsewomen are childless and very happy that way. Nothing wrong with that but it could be heart breaking for a man who loves her and wants children too.
                Good luck, keep looking!
                You jump in the saddle,
                Hold onto the bridle!
                Jump in the line!


                • #9
                  Mail order bride?

                  Just kidding. I feel one dimensional all the time. All my free time after my 9-5 is devoted to horses or horse-related stuff. I have a very tolerant SO Then again, if you really want a strong relationship, and marriage, and kids, then you have to invest some of your time in that too. It's not fair otherwise.

                  "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

                  My CANTER blog.


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MistyBlue View Post
                    Horsie guy + horsie woman doesn't always = bliss. We all know the possibility of finding two horse people who share the same equine ideas and ideals are very rare. Also, do make sure at some point to see if the woman has an interest in being a mother if you're really looking forward to a family. Many horsewomen are childless and very happy that way. Nothing wrong with that but it could be heart breaking for a man who loves her and wants children too.
                    Good luck, keep looking!
                    Thank you for your thoughtful response. I've dated a few "horsie women." The real problem seems to be the travel schedule.

                    Too many priorities, I guess. Thanks.


                    • #11
                      Sorry OP but your post has trollishness written all over it. "My horses, though, and my shows and races are my passion."
                      Could be just my internet radar going off (I have two daughters). Do jockeys usually show in between races? I guess they could. But I still smell a troll.


                      • #12
                        From one guy to another, the basic solution is to find a horsey woman. I was lucky enough to find one at the last barn I worked at, and after I moved to Texas, she was hired a couple months after me, so we're still together physically and emotionally. We plan to get married, just have to get the money together. Really, I think it's the only solution for someone in your position. A serious horse-woman would understand the travel schedule, et al.

                        TBROCKS, where do you get off calling this guy a troll? He's asking for honest advice in a place where he's likely to get it. Get off your high horse, so to speak...


                        • #13
                          Oh my gosh, Man!

                          You are heterosexual, and in a "target rich environment" (obvious 80's reference) you are king to horse women.

                          I have a friend at my barn that is the same way...I tell him the same thing. Most men are running to spinning classes, the grocery store and going out of their way to go places women are. You are in the place where the women are....at least the real women.

                          Take a chance on one of them. Afterall you have the best opening line. "I like your horse", ask question here. She will answer.

                          P.S. Welcome.


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by dressurpferd01 View Post

                            TBROCKS, where do you get off calling this guy a troll? He's asking for honest advice in a place where he's likely to get it. Get off your high horse, so to speak...
                            I think he's a troll.


                            • #15
                              I predict you'll get about 78 marriage proposals off of this thread alone, and many women begging to have your babies
                              Times and traditions in the horse world shift and change, much of the old grandeur has been lost; But for one brief shining moment, there was a gigantic shocking pink d**** in the Hunterdon tack room.


                              • #16
                                TB, I don't get that impression, but one never knows. I'm going to take him at face value, since he hasn't done anything to warrant the title of asshat. At least not yet.

                                Josh, I've had horses over 30 years. I've rarely lacked for male companionship, but the relationships don't seem to last, because they don't understand that this is a lifestyle and not a hobby.

                                I'm in a wonderful relationship, but he isn't horsey. The key is compromise. He has his hobbies and passions, and I have mine. Several of our passions dovetail, so that's excellent!

                                You have to make time to develop a relationship, especially when it's new. People are insecure, and want to be shown that they're special to you.

                                The (hopefully) future Mr. AH2 has been around horsewomen his whole life, so he knew going into it that horses were never going to be counted out of the equation.

                                I make time to share his passions, because they're important to him. I don't need him to share my horses though, as long as he doesn't cop an attitude about my spending so much time out riding, or just being at the barn. He's welcome to come with me, and knows it.

                                Maybe it's because we're older and trust each other completely. We've matured past that, "You don't LOVE me if you don't hang on my every word and want to be with me every second of the day!" Blech. That sounds like Hell, actually.....

                                I don't want a horsey guy, to be honest. As MB said, I think the fights over how the horses are trained, ridden, fed, etc. would outweigh the good. Get a non-horsey gal, and once she's hooked on you, start corrupting her to all things horse.
                                Homeopathy claims water can cure you since it once held medicine. That's like saying you can get sustenance from an empty plate because it once held food.


                                • #17
                                  I have to say, I'm sort of thinking troll too. But to answer the question -- I don't think anyone, be it horse person or non-horse person, wants to feel like they come in second to their significant other's hobbies or pursuits. And most people, with a little life experience, know that if they're coming in second in the beginning of a relationship, they'll be coming in fourth or sixth or last further down the road.

                                  It's not hard, if you really care for someone, to make someone feel special and valued and find a balance with some work and negotiation. If you haven't done that, then maybe it's a good thing for both of you that they've moved along.
                                  "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Confucious
                                  <>< I.I.


                                  • #18
                                    I predict you'll get about 78 marriage proposals off of this thread alone, and many women begging to have your babies
                                    Have we learned nothing from the Romans???


                                    • #19
                                      Originally posted by TBROCKS View Post
                                      Sorry OP but your post has trollishness written all over it. "My horses, though, and my shows and races are my passion."
                                      Could be just my internet radar going off (I have two daughters). Do jockeys usually show in between races? I guess they could. But I still smell a troll.
                                      I know someone who is a very successful amateur harness racing whip who also does some H/J shows and plays polo. He's happily married to a non-horsey woman (she tried riding once, got scared, and he hasn't been able to convince her to give it another go).

                                      The "nixon" in his name makes me suspect that you're correct about the OP being a troll, otherwise, I'd figure that most of the horsewomen he knows are out of his age range (heck 80% of the ones I know are 40+ or under 18), in relationships already, or otherwise obviously incompatible. Tons of women ask the same basic question, though, and there are lots of guys who have SOs who are unhappy with their hobbies. I know one girl who dumped her BF after she sat naked in his lap one day while he was playing a video game. He said, "Hi, honey, can you shift over a bit? Your <another word for> breasts are blocking the monitor."

                                      The problem isn't the hobby, it's the obssession, or just plain lack of time to spend together.
                                      Stay me with coffee, comfort me with chocolate, for I am sick of love.


                                      • #20
                                        As a guy at the barn...I can tell you, it's not "a target rich environment".

                                        First off, "You don't scata where you eat". Go with someone at your barn, break up with them...drama, drama, drama! Go with another girl at the barn and the various groups get involved...her friends, the old girlfriend's friends...not good.

                                        I broke my rule and married a girl I met at my barn...now an ex-wife (and she was a terrible & timid rider who demanded "I attend" and ride with her almost 100% of the time...also horrid)...and then the majority of the women at the barn stuck with the "poor girl victim" and I was persona non-gratis.

                                        Better to "shop" elsewhere.
                                        "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"