It's Not Fair...Goodbye Sophie...

[OneonOne]

MCS, I'm so sorry to hear about Sophie. My thoughts are with you.

[arabhorse2]

MCS, so sorry to hear about this.

Godspeed to Sophie.

[Galloway]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MissCapitalSplash:
We fought everyday to help her, it just wasnt meant to be.
Its going to hurt like hell, but I have this sick feeling that I am going to feel so releived. That that first night I am going to sleep sounder than I have all summer and that next morning I wont walk slowly out to the barn, wondering if I would find her worse...Instead I think I will look into her empty stall and sigh, knowing that this is right. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sleep heals, let it come.

Your comment about being relieved struck a chord with me, since this July I lost my lovely TB mare.

She had come to me in a bad way, having undergone multiple colic surgeries. Despite surviving, for various reasons, she was given up by her owner just after the last surgery.

I thought I would have her only a short time, weeks, or months, but she stayed with me for years. I always told her it was her job to eat and look beautiful and the day she couldn't do that I would help her to a better place.

She started having trouble last fall, but by changing feeds and routines and growing evermore vigilant of her I managed to keep her healthy and doing her job. This spring she looked the best I ever seen her, no one could look at her without commenting how beautiful she was.

But I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time.
Everyday I woke up, or came home I headed to the field, wondering if this was the day, would my careful balancing act come to an end, would it all come crashing down.
It did.
I found her late one day. We managed to get her through the night, but by mid-morning I knew it was time.

So, here's the thing.
When I woke the next morning my first thought wasn't "She's gone" it was "She's free."
Free of pain, colic, carefully managed diets, adhesions, and worry.....
and....I felt relieved.

I always knew that time would catch up to her, that even with her great heart, the flaw that led to all those colic surgeries would catch up to her, to me, to us.

I don't feel guilty at the relief. It wasn't relief for myself, it was for my mare.
It won't be relief for yourself - it'll be for Sophie.


I said my goodbyes, cried my tears, and now; usually at sunset; I sit by the stone that marks her grave and it's the only time in all the time I had her,in all the time I knew her; that I know she is truly at peace, and free from pain.

Be at peace. There's a tall breathtakingly gorgeous bay mare up there, with all the others, waiting to show Sopie the way.

[Prairie]

Galloway - What a wonderfully bittersweet story. Your mare was lucky to have you.

MCS - You've worked very hard to keep Sophie going for so long. Don't feel guilty. Talk to others that have been in your situation - Coreene, Horse Poor, Galloway - and listen to what they say. They survived and so will you. My thoughts are with you on this difficult day.

[situpandride]

the day i put old yh down my poor husband had the task driving up and down streets of the new neighborhood asking stangers with tears in his eyes if someone could come bury our horse. he got some phone numbers and a local excavator came over with his back hoe. i hadn't been able to have the hole dug first, it took about 8 hours to find someone but i did pick the psot while i waited, the noce man moved her from hwere she was and placed her in the hole, i did watch and help with the whole thing, it wasn't so bad as i knew my horse was dead and this was just what used to hold her spirit but i don't know how many people would want to watch all this, i am a nurse and as macabre as it sounds i am the person at work who steps up to sit with the dying and then when they pass on prepare them to get ready for the morgue-i have alwasy felt it a special privilege with humans and animals, so if no one else feels comfortable doing the buriel themselves it's normal, i'm just abnormal.

[Duffy]

I am crying reading these incredible posts. I'm so sorry about Sophie, MCS.

[Whoanellie]

MCS,

So very sorry to hear about Miss Sophie. I hope you have friends & family near you when you need them and personal quiet time when it is wanted.

Thank you for being there for this wonderful girl!

[horse_poor]

Mare, sweetheart-feeling guilty about the feeling of relief is ok------I felt it instantly and then was so ashamed of my self for feeling it. For a fleeting moment on THE day, I felt a fleeting moment of serenity, which was replaced with such deep, dark sorrow.

Dearest Coreene told me today that I made it thru the first day, the first weekend, and the first full week without him--I thought today would be horrible--all I felt was numb--I did speak about him a bit and at 11:48 until noon I turned off the puter and TV and just sat and thought about him. I did not sleep worth a crap last night and kept waking up and wishing the night would just get over with and I think it was mostly in part because I was so dreading the day.

After THE day I was afraid to sleep--afraid I would dream of him and terrified I would not. Sleep was what helped me cope--deep dreamless sleeps that helped empty the muck bucket of my mind. I did not eat for days and still am not eatting well--I look like death warmed over and feel twice as bad, but thats ok---

I just want you to know everything going through your head is normal. Your thoughts and feelings are just that--YOUR thoughts and feelings. No one can tell you what you should and should not feel-how nice it would be if we could have a checklist and say "ok, I have been sad for 7.98 hours, it is time to move on to angry for 10.4 hours, then I will bargain a bit for 6.73 hours and then I will be done and everything will be ok--" There is no rhyme or reason to what we feel and we are the mercy of our emotions. I can honestly say I am feeling better than I was this time last week and I hope I can say the same thing next week--I still cannot walk into the barn or function "normally" but what was normal before will not be normal after.

I cannot stress enough to you to lean on others--I was so fortunate to have the strength of many members of COTH and especially Jen22--I stole so much strength from her I am amazed she can even walk--and I really think had I not been able to borrow this strength I would have coped as well as I did, which was not graceful at all and I shudder to think what it would be like without that strength.

And all top of it all, take care of yourself

We loff you!

[MeanderCreek]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MissCapitalSplash:

Now I need to find someone to dig a hole...who do I call? Ive never done this before...what else do I need to do? who puts her in the hole? this is so so morbid but I need to figure this out this AM so she may go asap...I find myself breaking down with every person I call and say those words "We have to put Sophie to sleep..." not wanting to explain why <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

We call a local excavator who brings over a backhoe and buries them for $100. We euthanize in the indoor where they are comfortable and the sand is soft then lift and carry them to the burial site with the same straps an anesthesized horse would be moved with in a hospital.

When you call, its easier to remain collected if instead of saying "we have to put Sophie to sleep" you say "This is Miss Whatever from wherever. We have a horse who will need to be euthanized on Saturday and need someone to bury her at our farm. Would you be available to do this service?" I know she's Sophie and you love her and she's not 'a horse' but if you can take a deep breath and distance yourself for just a few minutes it will make it easier to make the necessary arrangements. If not, get someone else to make the calls.

Before they're euthanized, I load them up on whatever it takes to make them feel good and spoil them with whatever they like most. You don't need to worry about trashing their stomach, kidneys or foundering them or any of that because its not going to matter. Its just a little gift before the greater gift of freedom and it makes me feel better.

[MissCapitalSplash]

THank you so so much everyone. It means so much to me.
I did get something accomplished..I called the town hall to make sure it was legal to bury her on the property, and have a call in for 7 different people who I am told might be able to help with getting her buried. I choked up everytime I had to leave the message.
I cant find anyone to do it...ready to get out there with a shovel. Morbid...how long can the body be there, covered of course...?
I am numb. A walking zombie. Actually fell to my knees choking sobbing screaming. I was just walking outside and it hit me..."I am going to put that grey horse to sleep...her pain will be over soon but OMG it hurts too much" It comes and goes, alternating between ok, bearable, and omg someone just wailed me in the stomach.
But I know Ill be ok. I know. I hope I know.
Coreene- Yes, Slim was a miracle. A true miracle. Unfortunatly I had a serious riding accident 3 weeks ago and havent been able to ride and it will be a while (long story but spent the weekend in the ER, major concussion, cracked cheekbone and ribs, torn colateral ligament in my thumb, and damaged my rotator cuff). I still look like a trainwreck and the pain from my shoulder makes me flinch if I forget to take my super pain drugs . But he is still there reminding me of what is meant to be, and that is me and that horse. When I can ride again...a few months from now...we are going to dominate. He is doing just fabulous. Thank you so so so so so much for your such kind words..it made me I always try to do what is in their best interest but why does it have to hurt so much??
THank you coreene, your support over the years astounds me, you are a wonderful person!!!

Adelita-I have been thinking of coming back, but to be honest I am as fragile as glass right now (physically and mentally) and couldnt take any bashing, I flinch each time I open this thread. As supportive as you and most everyone else is, I still remember what happened before so...
But thank you so much...Ive missed you guys too!

Clues-thank you, thank you, thank you for your offer!

Galloway- Your story made me cry. Two healthy days was all I had with Sophie...not long enough , not long enough! But you are right...in so many ways. I am so sorry about your girl. So sorry. I hope Soph has a hell of a welcoming committee...she deserves it.

Horse_poor-Its normal but why does it hurt so much??? I know Im doing the right thing and the pain will go away, but I cant get over the feeling of being kicked in the gut.
**HUGS** to you, Molly, I admire your strength in all youve been through...

[situpandride]

if you can't find a farmer or excavator, does your vet, feed store, farrier etc know of anyone or a local builder. if that fails do you have an able bodied person who can rent a backhoe for you and dig the hole. i've rented all kinds of construction equipment, you might have to call around. my horse was dead about 8 hours before i could bury her, i was frantic since it was july in va at the time. you might have to just rent a backhoe
i agree about loading them up on drugs first,in my case it was not planned and a sunday, it took me hours to get a vet out, i shot my horse up with banamine, i knew she was going to have to be put down, it gave her a chance to move to a spot in the shade and it allowed her to drink some water.

[MeanderCreek]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MissCapitalSplash:
how long can the body be there, covered of course...?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I try not to leave one more than overnight but did have to leave one from Saturday to Monday morning once when it was an emergency.

Considerations are weather - if its hot out sooner is better than later. Whether or not you have somewhere inside but still accesable to keep her away from the wildlife and out of public sight until the backhoe arrives is also important. We have coyote that a tarp wouldn't deter here so just covering one up out back wouldn't work.

[horse_poor]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
Horse_poor-Its normal but why does it hurt so much??? I know Im doing the right thing and the pain will go away, but I cant get over the feeling of being kicked in the gut.
**HUGS** to you, Molly, I admire your strength in all youve been through... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I cant find anyone to do it...ready to get out there with a shovel. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh Mare-it only hurts because we love them do damned much-its such a shitty trade off and really not right that we have to pay this price for our love. But then, if we did not love them so much, we would not have had that joy of being in their life and loving them so.

Dr Jeske told me the hardest part of her job is putting a horse down when the owner did not care--I cannot even imagine.

I understand dropping to your knees and collapsing in sobs--I too have been there, sobbing until I gagged. I will never ever ever forget when Aero went down and I fell to my knees and screamed "Oh My God Aero!" and crawled across the ground on my hands and knees and gagged and sobbed as I clutched his head in my lap and thought the pain would absolutely kill me right then and there. And all the while Dr Jeske sat quietly there next to me and let me do it.

After as I was walking to the house and had that moment of clarity and serenity I came in and called Jen22 and screamed "He's gone he's gone Oh My God whatdid I just do?" and again was doubled over crying and gagging and felt as if each sob was being ripped from my chest and Jen22 cried with me and let me sob and cry until there was no more.

And I could go on and on about the plethora of crying episodes but I wont because i am getting myself all worked up again.

I would give anything to be able to bring him back whole again, but we all know that is not going to happen. That being said, Mare, something good has to come out of my loss of him, even if it is being able to relate and validate to you and how you are feeling and try to help this thru this as many others helped me.

I decided this week that everyone should be able to experience the love of a horse and loving it back, but I would not wish the pain of losing that horse upon my worst enemy.

I did not have the luxery to bury Aero and has to have him taken away--had I been able to bury him I would have done it with my bare hands if neccessary.

So, Mare, to answer your question, it hurts because not only do we love them, but they love us back.

[Cindeye]

MCS. You're amazing. I wish we could all be there for you on Saturday to help you through this terrible/wonderful burden. Know that we will all be there in spirit. Major hugs again. ((((((((((MCS))))))))))

[horse_poor]

mare--a thought just came to me that made me giggle sadly

You know how Sophie wore Aero's wraps during her recovery--? Now they will DEFINITELY have something to chatter about at the bridge! He will be thrilled to meet the one worthy of wearing his wraps!!!!!

I have gone thru his wraps and things we had not used for a long while and am looking to donate them to a rescue organization as I know he would want another horse to have a chance of recovery-

[Galloway]

MCS, As horse-poor said, it hurts because we love them so much.
It's easy to open your heart and let them in, it's so much harder to open it again to let them leave.

It will get better, the sun will shine again, someday, maybe not soon, but someday.
I hope you'll think of Sophie and realize the amazing gift you gave her, how lucky she was to have had you.
I know you only had her two days before she was injured, but you went far, far above the call of duty for her. You fought so hard, gave her every bit of you there was. No wonder it hurts to let her go.
So it will hurt, the part of your heart where Sophie lived will echo with her leaving. Take solace in knowing that someday another needy soul will knock, and ask to come in, and you'll open that door again.

I've always read your posts and thought; what an astonishing young lady.

Take your pain drugs (you don't need the physical pain on top of all that you are feeling) and go give Slim a hug.

I wish I was closer to help you, keep calling those people.....

[ShowBiz]

Oh MCS, I am so sorry...my thoughts are with you during this incredibly difficult time. Know that Sophie will be pain free & have endless lush pastures. She will always be with you.

[Ridge Runner]

I'm so sorry. I truly do know how you feel. I'm probably days away from making this decision for a dog I have owned for 14 years that is losing her fight with cancer. Tears now just thinking of this.... Hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[CB/TB]

So sorry for you and Sophie, but she's telling you it's time and you have to help her. The hardest part is waiting once you have made the decision. I had a week to prepare for putting down my dear departed Appy several years ago. It was the longest week of my life. Knowing it's for the best doesn't make it easier. Pamper her as best you can and then help her over the bridge. It's your greatest gift to her.

[monstrpony]

Mare, so sorry you're having to go thru this.

When I had my mare put down from a colic, I had how-to-find-a-backhoe-on-short-notice problem. Someone at my local small animal clinic suggested calling the local funeral home, and voila, the man was there within an hour with the small trackhoe they use to open graves. Maybe you could give that a try.

Hang in there, kiddo, you're doing the necessary. Awful, but necessary.