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another no good deed thread, advice?

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  • another no good deed thread, advice?

    obviously this is a much longer story than I care to type, or you care to read, but the short of it is::

    my son started dating a girl in Aug., he met her at a horse show

    first time he's shown an interest in a "horsey girl", but she lives quite a distance away, about 1 1/2 hrs, so after a few weeks, AGAINST my better judgement, she moves in.

    we (she and I) had a conversation about bartering her rent off in lieu of her working my horses, as this family is in crisis mode, and I don't have time to spend with them like I normally do.
    ~~~ because, my husband has lymphoma, is getting some pretty aggressive chemo, is out on disability, and I'm working extra hours to cover some of his lost income.

    I have an OTTB 5yr old gelding who needs some retraining, and a 2 1/2 yr old appendix filly who needs to be started.

    she moved in in late Sept or early Oct. I think she rode the gelding a total of 4 times. worked the filly on the lunge line probably 6 times, total, thru the end of Dec.

    okay, still with me? so, she buys a pony, needs a place to put it. yes, you can put your pony in our paddock, you need to cover the costs of hay/grain and keep the paddock clean. almost immediately I have to start reminding them (her and son) paddock needs cleaned, more than once a week, or even two weeks. THEN she's having issues at the barn she boards her other pony, so that one comes here too. same discussion, she needs to cover costs. I SHOULD HAVE SAID YOU NEED TO PAY ME X AMOUNT A MONTH, but I didn't . every couple of weeks she would pick up a bag of grain or two, and once she bought a big bale of hay 700lbs/$100, this was shared between her ponies and my horses, to cover some of what I had been feeding her ponies.

    here's where I need advice:: I finally sat them down and said "I can't front the cash for your ponies hay and grain any more, we dont' have it. You need to start paying $225 each per month for your ponies. She had a fit!! absolute hissy fit. told my son "why should she pay when she's helped with the horses, cleaned stalls a couple of times, etc" and she got really mad at him when he went to get me a load of hay, saying "I don't know why you don't make your mother get her own hay" you help too much. (just to be clear, he moved in with us TO HELP while his father is out of commission)

    and moved out. now, I sent her a bill via email detailing exactly what I fed her ponies, and the costs, for Dec. and Jan. and let her know I expect her to pay rent for Dec. when she was too busy working another job to do anything with my horses, and she was also too busy to care for her ponies, so I've been feeding, watering, etc all by myself since.

    I know she's going to argue having to pay, my son gave me the heads up, so what would you advise? I'm having a hard enough time feeding MY horses, (one is on the market as I know I can't afford to keep) she knows this, how on earth would she expect that I could afford to feed hers?!

    obviously my husband and I feel totally taken advantage of,, and I really want her ponies out of here NOW but I'm afraid to let them go without having all the cash in hand.

    (so much for being a short story, huh? )

  • #2
    Get her horses off your property, and off your feed bill ASAP.

    Without a written boarding contract, and with your son in the middle, I doubt you will recoup anything. Just hope that he gets sick of her entitled whining ass and dumps her before he knocks her up.
    "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." - The Little Prince


    • #3
      aight, stop the bleeding, get them gone.

      The longer it drags on, the more you will have invested in them.
      More money and especially more work.

      Other than that, I can only send you massive jingles and ginormous hugs.

      Some people smell blood and take advantage of you when you are vulnerable.


      • #4
        (Hugs) for you! What a tough time you are going through. The last thing you need is to have a freeloader plus two ponies!

        I think you need to sit down with your son, show him the invoice, remind him that you need help, not more work and expenses, and tell him that it is his responsibility to deal with the ponies and the girlfriend. You need to take yourself out of the loop and be clear with him that this situation is causing you distress.

        It sounds like the girl (and your son?) may have moved out but you are still saddled with the extra horses.

        Explain that you must cover your costs for the ponies and expect her (or him) to provide the $$ and do the work or they must leave. I guess that's the tough part because I'm not sure what you would do if they don't leave!

        Good luck!
        Equine Ink - My soapbox for equestrian writings & reviews.
        EquestrianHow2 - Operating instructions for your horse.


        • #5
          So long, farewell, it's time to say goodbye. Sorry, this sucks for you when so much is going on with your husband.


          • #6
            Originally posted by retrofit View Post
            Get her horses off your property, and off your feed bill ASAP.

            Without a written boarding contract, and with your son in the middle, I doubt you will recoup anything. Just hope that he gets sick of her entitled whining ass and dumps her before he knocks her up.
            This, right here. It would've been better for her to have a contract she had to sign detailing that in lieu of rent what exactly she was expected to do and how many times a week, etc, and that if she didn't do it she and any horses she brought would be evicted, basically.

            Though, honestly, it would've been better to not let her come live with you at all but I'm sure you know that.

            Good luck!
            The Trials and Jubilations of a Twenty-Something Re-rider
            Happy owner of Kieran the mostly-white-very-large-not-pony.


            • #7
              Oh, my goodness. I seriously doubt that you will ever see a dime from her and you don't have anything in writing so you can't even go to small claims court. I would give her 30 days, in writing and registered mail, to move her ponies with a board charge that would commence on the 31st day if the ponies are not moved. If it dragged on further without payment you could take out a property lein on the ponies.

              I am so very sorry you are in this terrible mess. You sound like you've done nothing but try to deal with the cards you've been dealt even while you continue to help others. It is so unfair that you have been taken advantage of. Is there a hay bank in your area? I know that we have one in Vermont to help people in situations like yours.

              Jingling for you,
              "The captive bolt is not a proper tool for slaughter of equids they regain consciousness 30 seconds after being struck fully aware they are being vivisected." Dr Friedlander DVM & frmr Chief USDA Insp


              • #8
                Contact a rescue. She has abandoned the horses - tell in writing to pick them up by a certain date or they will be considered abandoned.

                You sound like a sweet person but don't get involved in the details of where they are going. Just take care of yourself, your husband, and your own horses.


                • #9
                  Sorry for you and what you are going through. You certainly dont need this on top of your other troubles. Get the ponies out, even if you take a loss. The longer they are there, the larger the loss you are never gonna be able to recoup.
                  Just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark.--Adam Stanley


                  • #10
                    Where do you live? It's likely you have an agister's lien for the care you've provided to these animals. Find out how you enforce it.

                    In today's market it's unlikely you'll recoup anything significant. But act soonest to cut your losses.

                    Sorry you are in this situation. Hope things work out for you.

                    Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                    • #11
                      Argh, that sucks. I'm sorry for the mess you're in.
                      Not that you would tell her this, but definitely just write off her back board, and focus all of your effort on getting these horses off your payroll immediately. You can follow up with small claims court on the back board later, if you choose to.

                      It is time to take a *very* hard line, and hold to it. Zero, absolutely ZERO flexibility or accomodation (she's already gotten that because she's ignored your prior conversations and direct orders).

                      The "being taken advantage of" line of thought is unproductive energy. You are in control and you CAN get these horses off the property. I know you don't have extra funds, but a one-off consultation with a lawyer would probably cost less than next months costs to board these horses. ETA: Look around for pro-bono Legal Services. Here's one site that lists regional and national resources: http://www.probono.net/

                      And, as sad as it seems, do not take your son's feelings into account in whatever action you take. And I would assume that any information you share your son will be passed to that girl. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's young enough to excuse his behavior that has hurt you so badly, but then you also have to assume he's too young to be trusted with legal matters.
                      Last edited by HungarianHippo; Jan. 15, 2013, 12:30 PM. Reason: Legal Svcs


                      • #12
                        I would file for the agistors' or "mechanics' lien" immediately, which usually means sending a certified letter to her regarding your intentions, in Maryland you have to post a legal notice (form available online or by calling court house) in the court house and in a public newspaper I think. Every state is a bit different some easier some less so. That will give her the heads up that there is a deadline, you can choose a public auction but that will mean you have to drop them off at the public auction that is approved (usually geographically applicable), after that period of time has lapsed (generally 30 days). Do not give her any more leeway than what is legally required, and just continue on working to save your dear husband's life.

                        I know how much this must be hurting you given that your son is involved in this in the way that he is. Hopefully this will make him more of a man and he will stand up with and for you. This is so shameful, I am sorry.

                        All of the legal information required should be contained on line through your state law's database. These things are not that complicated.
                        "We, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit." JFK


                        • #13
                          I would be extremely careful about giving these ponies to a rescue or dropping them off at an auction. This young woman is exactly the type to sue you if she can. Until you have notified her in writing with proof of delivery that she must begin paying board I doubt you can do anything. I would also bet that you will have to give her 30 days notice to begin paying board also. If you can't hire a lawyer, better safe than sorry.
                          "The captive bolt is not a proper tool for slaughter of equids they regain consciousness 30 seconds after being struck fully aware they are being vivisected." Dr Friedlander DVM & frmr Chief USDA Insp


                          • #14
                            As I'm sure the OP knows, she cannot sell or dispose of that which she does not own. That's why she needs to review her state's rules. Go here for state-specific information:


                            Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                            • #15
                              I would stop dealing with the girlfriend altogether and insist your son get the ponies out of there asap. Let the money she owes you go and get them gone.
                              McDowell Racing Stables

                              Home Away From Home


                              • #16
                                Originally posted by Laurierace View Post
                                I would stop dealing with the girlfriend altogether and insist your son get the ponies out of there asap. Let the money she owes you go and get them gone.
                                agree with this approach
                                "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"


                                • #17
                                  Originally posted by Laurierace View Post
                                  I would stop dealing with the girlfriend altogether and insist your son get the ponies out of there asap. Let the money she owes you go and get them gone.
                                  This, absolutely.
                                  where am I, what day is it, am I still having a good time?


                                  • #18
                                    I agree with those who say just get the ponies out. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with such a crap situation all the way around.


                                    • #19
                                      Sorry about all the recent difficulties, hope your husband gets well soon.
                                      "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"


                                      • #20
                                        Here's my thoughts - your son is obviously thinking with his brain in the lower regions as opposed to his head. He is abusing his mother on behalf of a girl that may be good in the sack but you have to think he is well aware of what she's like. Your son is also to blame here, not just the girl. He brought her into the mix so he needs to deal with this. Like Laurierace said, stop dealing with the girlfriend and deal with your son. Tell him that either you get the backpayment by the end of next week and the ongoing payments are set up on a standing payment to your bank, or you will be filing whatever the official lien is in your state to take possession and sell.

                                        It's TOTALLY outrageous that both of them are taking advantage of you like this, especially when you are dealing with all your own troubles. You have been more than kind, but it's time for you to step back, take a deep breath and say F*** IT, I am not DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE!!!

                                        Think of yourself.

                                        Edited: and good luck, really you are in a horrible position. I'm really sorry.