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another no good deed thread, advice?

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  • #41
    Laurie, this is a really nasty piece of generalization about girls as a whole. Both genders have a really hard time taking responsibility for their actions but they do learn them from the adults, n'est pas? I would not think giving birth to someone gives you the right to use them as free manual labor for extended periods of time. A crisis is one thing, but you know what? Horses are a huge extra burden and if too much financially and time wise, other arrangements could be made. No point in spreading hate as much as it might be earned.
    "We, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit." JFK


    • #42
      Good for you OP! Let us know tomorrow if she follows through. I am thinking that if she does, it will automatically be the end of her relationship with your son as he will be tarred with the same brush. Maybe watch that none of your other stuff disappears with her. Is this pathetic person actually living IN your house with you? It does sound like your son is waking up - good for him, he sounds like a good lad at heart. Fingers crossed for a speedy resolution tomorrow!


      • Original Poster

        Originally posted by Calamber View Post
        There is no such magic bullet as "reporting them abandoned" and then the guys in the white hats ride over the hill and save the day. The girl can just say she has a boarding agreement, verbally, and that she has 30 days, or any variation thereof. That is why you need to file the lien asap unless she actually comes and gets the horses tomorrow. If so, all done and fine, but no animal control, police officer, sheriff's deputy, etc. in any county in any state in the USA (I hope to be wrong but do not think so) has the authority to do this. Boarding contracts, verbal or otherwise, like services rendered in businesses like mechanics shops, have a process that must be carried through, I have never heard of any state or county seizing animals on the basis that they have been abandoned in one day for the simple reason that these processes to gain possession must be adhered to for the obvious reasons.
        You are correct, they are not going to "swoop" in and take the ponies off my property, but I doubt if she knows that

        I also would not waste emotional energy or time fighting with your son over the obvious problems with the girlfriend and creating a divide that does not exist. If he cannot figure out how she is manipulating him against you, and why (attention creation disorder), then he better learn fast. Probably you are already kicking yourself over this, but why did you let a teenage girl who was a recent girlfriend, move into your house in the first placed? You need to take ownership as to how you were maneuvered into creating this too, which you alluded to with how happy you were that he was for the first time interested in a "horsey girl" and that you have come to depend on him to take care of your horses now, these are your horses and not his right? Think about that please, and he will become less of a part of this problem. He is still a teenager himself isn't he, is he in school or working outside the home?
        no, no, he's out of school, works fulll time, neither one of them are teenagers, 23/24 yrs. I absolutely should NOT have let her move in, went against my better judgement allowing it, lesson learned. We do NOT depend on him to take care of the horses, I do 98% of it, the two jobs I physically can not do are get hay and sawdust. A load of sawdust lasts 4/5 weeks, we get hay maybe every other week, depending on how much we can afford at the time, and how much is available.
        ~~~~ we had a long talk yesterday after I blew my top, and I hope I put things right, letting him know I did not hold him responsible for her actions, that he is definitely caught in between a rock and a hard place.We also have the type of relationship where he knows that no matter my personal feelings about her, he can come to me and vent, OR tell me about the good stuff too, and I'll support him in whatever decision he makes. *I* might know she's not the one for him, but *I* don't get to make the decision, and I learned a lonnnngggg time ago that if I say anything negative it's just going to make him want to defend her. I have a step daughter, and boy did SHE teach us lessons in reverse psychology!


        • #44
          So sorry you have to deal with GFs BS when you have so much other stuff going on.
          Your son sounds like a good kid and your family sounds like it has what it takes to get through this current crisis.

          I hope the GF gets her ponies off your farm, then she & DS can work out their relationship - whichever way that wind ends up blowing.

          She is moving out of your house, yes?
          If not, be prepared to weather a Pissy Attitude storm - just let it blow over, you have more important things to take your attention.
          Stepdaughter experience should help here

          Wishing your DH a speedy & complete recovery & some freedom from worry for yourself
          *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
          Steppin' Out 1988-2004
          Hey Vern! 1982-2009, Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009
          Sam(Jaybee Altair) 1994-2015


          • #45
            First, jingling for your DH and hoping for a quick and full recovery.

            Next, hugs to you. It's clear that you care very much about your son, appreciate what he does do for you, and that you don't wish to put him in the middle.

            IMHO, I think you need to sit your son down, let him know that you love him and that you're sorry this has to go all business like, but that you're going to pursue your options within the law.

            I would figure out what the law is in your state/county and start down that path. Because you do not have a contract, it might be a little tricky. But some well placed certified letters (even better if you can get an attorney to write them up) might get the ball rolling.

            Horses need to go. You need to keep track of expenses in the meantime. And if you can get a stableman's lien and sell/rehome horses, do so--as soon as legally possible.

            She totally took advantage of the situation. Shame on her. But screw me once shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me. Follow the law. Pursue it. And get 'em out of there.

            You should be able to recover costs if you can lay the appropriate groundwork via certified letter that you expect X, Y, and Zed to be covered moving forward. You may not be able to get the money back for previous months, but you can certainly set the stage for recouping expenses moving forward.

            Best wishes.
            A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

            Might be a reason, never an excuse...


            • #46
              Any update?


              • #47
                Originally posted by Eggplant_Dressing View Post
                Contact a rescue. She has abandoned the horses - tell in writing to pick them up by a certain date or they will be considered abandoned.

                You sound like a sweet person but don't get involved in the details of where they are going. Just take care of yourself, your husband, and your own horses.
                This* plus, I'm sorry this happened and I know you are really going through a tough time. Its the hardest to be tough with those we love the most (son, not gimme-girl) but as I read this and your nice agreements, I felt you omitting what you agreed would happen if she defaulted on her side of the bargain in anyway. Did you tell her what would happen, weekly, if she didn't work to a certain agreed upon limit? What would happen at the end of a month where she hadn't paid up?

                Well, if you didn't, you can tell her now. Give her an itemization, general if you can't get all the details recalled, but tell he what she owes, how long she has to pay it (one month or less, no more) and what will happen at the end of those thirty days. Then do it. You don't have to discuss it with her, or your son, just tell them and walk away. The above quote seems a really simple solution.

                I wish you well. I also think you need to get your ducks in a row about what happens when she shows up pregnant. such as they aren't living with you, and let son know this now, so he doesn't come asking you then and you have to say no. Say no, now, and enforce that so he can be responsible. Its tough, but gosh, you have to limit yourself so you have some personal resources for you and your own husband?

                I wish you well. Hope any small bit of this helps. You know what you can/need/should do and maybe some of the adivce here will help you sort it out. Hoping your husband is on the uphill climb soon.
                My warmbloods have actually drunk mulled wine in the past. Not today though. A drunk warmblood is a surly warmblood. - WildandWickedWarmbloods


                • #48
                  Originally posted by Eggplant_Dressing View Post
                  Contact a rescue. She has abandoned the horses - tell in writing to pick them up by a certain date or they will be considered abandoned.
                  This ^. You will never see any money and she will leave ponies there as long as possible (why not? It "free" and "she deserves it", at least in her mind). So piss her off and serve her notice ponies will be removed in 30 days (give her a time too - by 12 noon EST). Be specific but do not tell her where you have taken/will take the ponies. Don't tell your son either - if she wants to know it will cost her the amount due for past money YOU spent to feed/care for them.

                  I would also change locks on the doors and gate combinations - she has proven she is not trustworthy so don't be silly and trust her not to further rip you off.

                  Best of luck in this difficult time. Doing the above will be more difficult i the near future but be a shorter less stressful in the long run.
                  Now in Kentucky


                  • #49
                    Check with your state on what the abandoned property laws are. You may need to send certified letters and wait a specific time frame before you can consider the horses abandoned.

                    Start sending her bills and if they are unpaid then you may be able to exercise a lien after a certain period of time for the unpaid bills.
                    Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.
                    Bernard M. Baruch


                    • #50
                      Originally posted by Laurierace View Post
                      I would stop dealing with the girlfriend altogether and insist your son get the ponies out of there asap. Let the money she owes you go and get them gone.
                      THIS. It really should be his problem as he is the one who brought her in.
                      He ought to be ashamed to let anyone do his parents this way
                      You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.


                      • #51
                        Ah but love is blind or so they say.
                        Just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark.--Adam Stanley


                        • #52
                          You would be surprised at how quickly a person (especially one with family money) can find out their "rights" when they are in a crisis. I will not entangle you with my horror story. I would still go the route of sending the letter by cert mail stating the need for her to remove the horses. That needs to be done no matter what if push comes to shove legally. Sorry you are having to go through this, hope that it is or will be resolved without more tensions that your family can certainly do without. Thinking of you.
                          "We, too, will be remembered not for victories or defeats in battle or in politics, but for our contribution to the human spirit." JFK


                          • Original Poster

                            ok, here's a little update

                            I stopped dealing with her. son actually took over the task as he was in the middle even when he didn't want to be. I wrote out exactly what she owes, gave up on the rent part, whatever. As for the ponies, tho, I totaled it all out, gave it to my son. *supposedly* (ha ha) she's going to give him some cash this weekend, then make weekly payments. sure, right, anyone got a bridge for sale??

                            ponies-- ugh, are not moving this weekend. the place she's taking them has two leaving. "everywhere else is full". so, she's PREPAYING, by purchasing herself, what they will need for the rest of the month. I told him I'm not feeding them if she doesn't. I'm sure he relayed that to her, I have a feeling I'll get supplies, I am a very nice, generous person, but when pushed over the edge, I've been known to throw stuff out the window when I've said I would, LOL

                            *supposedly* they are done. he says he can't deal with her any more, and that some of what I warned him she would start demanding, she did, and he's not going to be with anyone who would want him to abandon his family in a time of need. So, I hope he can stay strong even if she tries to *be nice*.

                            oh, here's a good one-- she's a self identified sociopath, and proud of it.

                            I DID call animal control, and left a message with some details, and if she doesn't call me back on Monday, I'll try again. I'll let her know as of now I consider them to be abandoned, owner hasn't been here almost a month, and get advice on how to proceed.

                            thank you again for all of your advice, and for the good thoughts and warm wishes for my husband!! we're told he will beat this if the transplant is successful (meaning no rejection)


                            • #54
                              Mad jingles for DH!


                              • #55
                                Sending a ton of jingles for your DH


                                • #56
                                  Jingles for your hubbie and jingles for you to get peace and focus.



                                  • #57
                                    Ugh. So sorry you're going through all this.

                                    Best wishes for improvements all around!


                                    • #58
                                      All fingers and toes crossed for a successful transplant for DH! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, but it sounds like you grew up a good son. Hoping the pony transition goes okay, and that a month from now you're done with her.


                                      • #59
                                        Just a heads up, Monday is MLK day and I doubt you'll get a call back or get ahold of anyone


                                        • #60
                                          Jingles, jingles, jingles.

                                          I DO think that SON HAS to CLEARLY understand what troubles he himself has caused by coming "to help out." Wouldn't it be CHEAPER to HIRE someone to pick up hay and shavings than the (ex? I don't believe it) girlfriend has cost? He (son) has caused burdens, expenses, physical labor, and immense stress for his mom in the guise of 'helping out.' DO NOT let him off the hook. It's NOT the behavior of a 'good kid.'