ot - my SO left me today...

[GotSpots]

Just bumping this us, as I ran across a recent study which made me think of you. A Johns Hopkins professor looked at the risk factors for violence in domestic relations, and came across some interesting links. See Predictors of Violence Study for more information.

[peepie]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bensmom:
[QUOTE] Please, if someone you care about has a drinking problem, take care of yourself first. You can't fix them, and you cannot help them to see that they need help. Only they can make that decision.

In a nutshell, Bensmom! As one myself, I can attest to the truth of that statement. I lost my SO because of my drinking, but now I understand he HAD to do it...he couldn't help me...only I can help myself, but I had to WANT it, first...no amount of rehab, AA, therapy, etc. will work unles you want it. Marta, glad you're out! You're smart, and I have faith that you will end up in a better place, with a better person

My horse bucked off your honor student!

[MandyVA]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> All of my friends and family have all but dropped out of my life ever since he came in the picture, so I could go just about anywhere.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

TBEventer, this is a classic tool of the abusive spouse. The more isolated you are, the more control he has of you and the more you think you have no one else to turn to. It takes away all your independence and has the added bonus of destroying your self esteem. I just wanted to point out that your friends and family probably do not hold it against you that he has forced them out. I am sure they would come right back to your side if you explained the situation and asked for help. Don't think they have truly abandoned you just because that's the way it's been made to look!

Mandy & Pyrrhus

[Goodyfourshoes!]

Edit

[Bethe Mounce]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TBeventer:
I am working towards getting out, not to worry. I'm just trying to do it as carefully as possible so as not to arouse any suspiscion.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

It may take awhile to get totally free, just because he isn't there physically, it's the emotional stuff afterwards...but, you're trying to get out and you're going to have to do that the way you see fit...walk softly and it'll come together the way you need for it to.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I know that all my friends and family would be there in a heartbeat if I need them, and that's nice to know. It's just so easy to forget that you're not alone when there's nobody around.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is great that your friends and family can help...this will be a very hard thing to do, but I have total faith you will pull it off with no lingering complications. Do what is best for you.

[Against The Wind]

Bensmom, TBeventer, and others --

You don't know how much you are helping others by this topic (me included). I posted earlier about the rough patch I'm at in my life and I'm wishing all of us the best in our endeavors to put AND keep us NUMBER ONE and get healthy!

~~I hear opportunity knocking, but I can't find the door!~~

[Horsaholic]

TB keep us posted will you.. I read this entire thread just now and I will be thinking of you..

My first husband put me thru some very scary stuff in my early 20's.. I made the mistake of having the talk with him and if my brother was not in the room nextdoor I wouldn't be alive today. No exageration here! Police came in the nick of time. I won't get into the details, but when a man with a temper becomes so enraged with anger nothing good can come of it.

Take the advice of the experiences people have shared and get out quickly and quietly..In the meantime, be careful not to leave any hints about your newfound strength, etc. Let him think you are still weak and content to be there until you are physically out of the house..

Quinn & Jumpthemoon are so kind to offer their homes.. Take them up on it!

I worry that he may clue in that you may have ideas in your head.. PLease keep us posted from time to time, o.k.

[marta]

wow, time flies! it's been a while since we've heard from you. what's going on tbeventer? how are things? are you safe? are you well?

"It appears we are being transformed from an information
society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich

[Bensmom]

TBeventer -- thanks for the update -- like many others here, I'm following your story and hoping for the best for you and the kitties.

Seahorse -- good for you for being able to get help and to fight such a terrible disease. It breaks my heart to know that someone inside my dad is the same caring, loving person he has always been, and that he would never intentionally hurt anyone -- however, through his drinking he has really adversely affected the lives of everyone that loves him.

It is still a nightmare that doesn't have a good end in sight. We committed him two days ago, *again* but my mother still can't find a good solution that will allow her a way out, without almost putting her on the street.

Please take all these warnings to heart -- and give a horse an extra hug. Mr. Bensmom and my boys are what get me through all of this.

Libby

*Proud member of the Hoof Fetish Clique*

[Lucille]

I'm reading this thread with tears running down my face.
I was in the same situation 10 yrs. ago and got out.
Please TB, get out now before something really bad happens!

[GatoGordo]

TB, still sending good thoughts your way...

Life is short; make fun of it.
Founding Member, Bird Nerd Clique; Eventing Yahoo In Training; formerly known as BostonGold

[frugalannie]

Hey Barncat. FWIW, find a lawyer, even someone in Legal Aid. You've got to protect yourself. And if you possibly can, feel anger at the #$%@ instead of letting him determine the outcome of your life. I hope that instead of doing yourself harm, you posted on this BB. Please post again so that we know you're OK.

[equescool]

Barncat - My mother died because she couldn't confront the consistent cheating of my father. I decided then that there are causes worth dying for but no damn man worth dying over. What a snake to let you sell your horse and then want the money ~!!! He obviously never understood your heart. Horses don't lie - men do. Let us hear from you so we know you are okay.

[heelsdown]

Things seem terrible right now, I know. Be glad that you've found out what a jerk this guy is now, instead of later when you may have had children etc... First things first, try to break down each of the things you'll need to do. I know you say that you're not close to your family, but I'd suggest talking to them, they might be happy to help you. Otherwise, do you have barn/horsey friends that might be able to help you out? Talk to them, they might have ideas for you, like maybe a farm that you can keep your horse at and work off the board?

In the short term I urge you to reach out to a close friend if not your family, hopefully nearby, and not to "go it alone."

You are well rid of this man. Please keep posting here so that we'll know you're okay. We care.

[Horsaholic]

I don't have the right words to say to you however you must realize that you will be o.k if you try.. Don't give up!! Reach out to your family, friends and this board!!

No man is worth hurting yourself for! You must persevere & get yourself up on your feet as difficult as it seems right now. Believe it or not there will be good days ahead.

YOu may want to start a new thread with a new title..Please reach out to your family or somebody you feel close to!!

[Louise]

First of all, if the sale hasn't gone all the way through - cancel it. No reason you have to lose what is going to be a great comfort to you in the days to come.

Even if you're not close to your family, contact them and let them know what happened. You just might be surprised and find them supportive. They may be able to give you some help, at least until you get your feet under you again.

There are people on this forum who know who to call. I'm a dork about that kind of stuff, and don't want to steer you wrong. Wait for a bit, and I know that there will be advice on who to call and what to do to get yourself together again.

Barncat - I've seen your posts, here, and I believe, on the Booger Board or Ultimate Dressage. The impression I have of you is of a good, kind person who needs a better sense of her own self worth. You have value. Just remember that. Suicide solves nothing, and leaves pain behind.

You tied up with a jerk. Lots of us do - I've seen my share in my day. Don't let a creep like that control your future. Put him behind you, and go on from here - better, and wiser, for what you have gone through.

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) to you, honey. Just hang in there for a bit and you will see the right way to get out of this.

---------------------------
"This it be die most importante thing in die world, that someone they loff us."
Willem

[Adelita]

barncat,

CANCEL THE SALE of your horse. NOW. Forget him, you don't owe him a damn thing. What a jerk. You need your horse now more than ever. And if you're in southern california you're welcome to come be with/ride my horse if you need to.

My ex tried to get me to sell my mare, too. No way, I had her long before I had him, and I'll have her long after he's gone (which he is). Don't ever sell yourself out, you are way too good for that.

You will make it through this. I highly suggest you call a battered women's shelter, because yes, that's emotional battery, and you're feeling really bad right now. They have free help, and were wonderful to me when I needed them most. (I only say to call them because it's usually free or very minimal cost.

We love you, okay? You WILL make it through this, I promise.

((((((((Hugs))))))))

&gt;^.,.^&lt;


"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."

[Weatherford]

Where are you? I do have some connections in various area with professionals who would know where you can go. Email me privately, if you need to - or start a PT.

If you post your area, there may be others who can help, too - but we all totally understand if you don't want to!

Just remember, if there is a delay in my response, I am five hours ahead of the East Coast of the USA, so, may be in bed!

Take care and ((((((hugs))))))))

It's OUT! Linda Allen's 101 Exercises for Jumping co-authored by MOI!!!

[frugalannie]

Barncat, I didn't realize you were battling depression prior to this. I have seen how overwhelming it can be. Please, please find professional help ASAP. There are free emergency services (you can generally find them through your local emergency room) and they can help channel you into ongoing support.

I know you think you love this person (I won't call him a man), but you love the image of him you were carrying in your heart. His actions have proven him to be unworthy, and you had no way of knowing that before.

And you love your horse. If you can cancel the sale, do so. If not, you're really not in a financial position to care for him, and you need to pay attention to yourself for a while. Consider the payment for him to be his gift to you to help you start over. And then honor him by making every day count.

I think the pain must be overwhelming right now, but every breath you take is a step in the right direction. Every positive action you take is a victory, even brushing your teeth and eating. Every week that passes will be a triumph.

Find help as Adelita and Weatherford suggested. And take care of yourself.

[June]

Is there anyway you can share the general whereabouts of where you live?

Knowing that may help us create options for you. And CANCEL the sale of your horse!

I'm heading off to June's Mom right now, but will check back here tonight to see if you can tell us where you are.

We are here, and there is wisdom, love and support for you here on this board.

Hope to read another post from you later.
June