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ot - my SO left me today...

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  • Get out.

    When I was a police officer, I went on many "standbys" .

    I'd rather do a standby any day than a domestic battery report.

    Since you already "know" that when you try to talk to him, he'll "boot you out", beat him to the punch (not literally!).

    You deserve to be in a relationship with a grown up, not someone who takes frustrations out on you.

    Leave and mean it.

    Comment


    • Well, I am glad TB is getting a backbone so to speak, I am glad through our tragedies that we were able to get you to open up to us, and more importantly, to yourself. Use this as a practice session and start communicating with people who are in your life. This is your life we are talking about, don't throw it away on a loser. You deserve to live a happy life, and even though you love him, you are not happy. Find someone who loves you AND makes you happy...

      Here are the Devilpups!!
      http://community.webshots.com/user/angelgregory87


      GO MARINES!!!!!!!! OORAH!!!
      Is minic a rinne bromach gioblach capall cumasach
      An awkward colt often becomes a beautiful horse .

      Comment


      • Back in my 20's I was in an abusive marriage. He never got physical, but I was sure it was coming. One day I just took my dogs and a few clothes and high-tailed it to another state. Then I called him and told him it was over and I started anew. A month later I (without the dogs) had a supervised return to get the rest of my things. This worked well for me.

        Just a few thoughts.
        * Can't you get inexpensive cardboard cat carriers that fold down and look just like cardboard? If he finds them say they were a giveaway at the local pet store. If he shows up while you are leaving say that the cats need to go to the vet for something - have an excuse ready.
        * Do you really want to be in the same town as he and his family? They may be supportive now, but many families will end up defending their own. You may never feel safe there.
        * I think someone said to rent a car and get out - sounds like a good idea. How would it feel to call your family to come and get you if they are only an hour away?

        I am very sorry for the situation you are in, and agree with the others that your (and your kitties') protection is of primary importance right now. This may have been said already, but people who abuse other people often abuse animals as well.

        Please keep all of you safe. And good luck.

        Edited to say that I have not read what the abuse assistance organizations say to do and would not want you to take my suggestions over what they say is the safest approach to leaving - I would probably rely heavily on their data.

        [This message was edited by o2binca on Jul. 08, 2003 at 11:35 PM.]

        Comment


        • Well, it took me all these days to finally look at this topic. I knew the feelings it would provoke in me. My husband of 18 years and I are going through the same thing (well getting a divorce) ........actually it's a very long story and I'm kinda happy about it, but finding the strength to "pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on" has been difficult. We have two daughters too, and the younger one is the horse rider of the family. My husband is an alcoholic, always has been, the psychological and mental abuse has been out of this world. I've been in therapy for at least 10 years to help deal with this (along with other issues). I've also been in a relationship in my late teens where I had a boyfriend that was both physically & verbally abusive to me too. He actually tried to shoot me!! All I can say to everyone is I found comfort in living day to day, and when that gets to be too much, live hour to hour. I just finished with my MBA degree (I'm 40) and am hopefully going to find a kick ass job and move on. It is SO hard right now, but I fall back on hour to hour, and baby steps seem to make it better. God bless all of you, you are all in my prayers, and we will be strong and conquer this too! Hugs all around! Strength to all of us!!

          ~~I hear opportunity knocking, but I can't find the door!~~

          Comment


          • TB, Just arrived and wanted to tell you to rest assured, I will take the cats. Just let me know when and where.

            "If you are going through hell, keep going." ~Churchill~
            \"If you are going through hell, keep going.\" ~Churchill~

            Comment


            • TB....you Can and Deserve to get out from under his "hold". Having been raised in an extremely abusive family, and then married right into a similar situation, I have learned thru AlAnon, and many hours of therapy that You/I do not deserve to be treated in such a way! I support all the others who have posted...GET OUT NOW, even if it is temporary so that you can regroup and step back and decide for yourself what you need and want. There are groups in the community that can and will help, in addition to all of those who have offered support here on the board. Now, it is up to you. If it is hard to make the decision based on the relationship between you and the SO, think of you kitties, who are defensless against his rage and wierd thoughts! Leaving does not mean forever...maybe things can and will work out. In the meantime, you MUST take care of you! I know what it is like having someone watching your every move, but I have faith you will find some time in between to prepare, and then take your "flight of freedom". You have all of us supporting you and can "call" on us any time. Altho I have not posted, I have kept up with the "news" and agree that you should DO SOMETHING positive for yourself right now. The rest will work out as it should. God Bless and know you are in my prayers! PS: Remember to throughout your day as it will help you keep one foot in front of the other!!!!!!

              ~~~~~ "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other ias though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein
              ~~~~~ \"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.\" Albert Einstein

              Comment


              • Do your cats go to the vet for regular check-ups??? If so, before you are ready to leave, tell him that the cats are going for a "check-up" and that way you can get them out of the house...

                Here are the Devilpups!!
                http://community.webshots.com/user/angelgregory87


                GO MARINES!!!!!!!! OORAH!!!
                Is minic a rinne bromach gioblach capall cumasach
                An awkward colt often becomes a beautiful horse .

                Comment

                • Original Poster

                  devildog20~
                  my home computer has been down so i have not been able to check my e-mail (it's blocked at work). hopefully it'll be fixed today. anyway, i just wanted you to know why you haven't heard from me.
                  have a great ay!

                  "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                  society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                  http://www.eponashoe.com/
                  TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                  Comment

                  • Original Poster

                    TBeventer~
                    i just want to send some positive energy your way. you have the strength. you can do ANYTHING!
                    please take care of yourself.

                    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                    http://www.eponashoe.com/
                    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                    Comment


                    • TB I'm not going to repeat the 'Get out", we've all said it. I want to stress that you MUST NOT go to his family. Remember, blood is thicker than water. You might be horribly surprised to find out just how quickly they will turn on you if you leave him. It's one thing to take your side when you're a couple, it will be quite something different when you try to leave him.

                      Also, we had a problem at work a few years ago where they had to assign a security guard to one young woman who had left her SO in a situation similar to yours. She got threatening phone calls at work and he stalked her constantly.

                      LEAVE the city, find another job. In fact, look now! If you can find something very soon, well away from where you are now, that will give you something to go toward. Look around where Quinn is or anyone who has offered you and the kitties a place to stay for a bit.

                      Pack the irreplaceables (pictures, kitties, enough clothes to get by), get out, and don't look back. You can always replace the rest of the clothes and the furniture. It's not worth it to take more than you can safely get out in one quick trip - especially if you try to do it without police help!! Everything is replaceable except your life and your kitties' lives. Please, listen to the collective voice of experience on this board. This stuff about him being nice now is CRAP. Remember, all abusers, emotional or physical, but especially physical, hit first (verbally or physically) and then come back with roses and apologies and promises to never do it again. Next time it is worse, the apologies are bigger, next time it is still worse, apologies are bigger still, next time it is far worse, next time apologies are far bigger, next time she and or kitties are dead!! He says he doesn't know how it happened. Nuff said!

                      Tranquility Farm
                      We don't have many, but the ones we have are nice
                      Tranquility Farm - Proud breeder of Born in the USA Sport Horses, and Cob-sized Warmbloods
                      Now apparently completely invisible!

                      Comment


                      • I assume you have a driver's license? Is there any way anyone in your family, or a friend from back home, that could loan you a car for a short period of time? Many families have more than one car, and in these special circumstances would probably be more than willing to help out for a bit. I don't think that under the circumstances it would be unreasonable to ask.

                        Tranquility Farm
                        We don't have many, but the ones we have are nice
                        Tranquility Farm - Proud breeder of Born in the USA Sport Horses, and Cob-sized Warmbloods
                        Now apparently completely invisible!

                        Comment


                        • So how is everyone doing today????

                          ((((((((Hugs)))))))) to you all.....

                          >^.,.^<


                          *~Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate!~*
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                          You can't have everything. Where would you put it all?

                          Comment


                          • I hope things work out for you; I know a woman who lives with a controlling husband and when I was privy to those control issues, I realized he was never going to change how he treated her or realize he needed to change. It is the hardest thing in the world to leave and move on to the relative unknown. Please stay safe and remember the police are there to help; in fact, they would rather help you move out than take you out themselves in a body bag. Sorry to be so blunt and ugly, I don't mean to be; I just know the harsh reality of what abusive situations can turn out to be.
                            Bethe Mounce
                            Head Trainer, AmeriCan Romance Equestrian
                            https://www.facebook.com/AmericanRomanceEquestrian
                            Brentwood CA

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              TBeventer~
                              i'm doing well... so far... trying not to project or anticipate negative happenings. i tend to do that sometimes and since my attitude changes (not intentionally, i guess just the negative thoughts create negative energy) it often results in a quibble over nothing. it's kind of like i'm so afraid of getting into a fight that i end up acting stupid and getting into a fight (exactly what i was afraid of). does that make sense?

                              i was thinking about you today, hoping you'd post some type of an update. i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. i wish you were closer so i could offer more than just prayers and cyber support. (((hugs)))

                              "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                              society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                              http://www.eponashoe.com/
                              TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                              Comment


                              • TB, I am glad that we are able to give you the strength to do what you KNOW is right, and to liberate you from your life of abuse. Take care, be smart and don't worry, a way will be provided for you!

                                Here are the Devilpups!!
                                http://community.webshots.com/user/angelgregory87


                                GO MARINES!!!!!!!! OORAH!!!
                                Is minic a rinne bromach gioblach capall cumasach
                                An awkward colt often becomes a beautiful horse .

                                Comment


                                • This thread made me have to register and reply-I have been lurking and reading all the posts. Having been married to an alcoholic for 20 years,I can testify to you younger ladies involved with one-It does not get better! it may seem hilarious when you're 19,kinda funny when you're 25 ,annoying when you're 30 and just plain sickening when you're 43. My SO is currently in a re-hab center for 21 days-and I can't tell you what a relief it is to me( and the kids)that he is gone. Will he be all better when he comes back? I don't know but I can tell you there is no way I will return to living as we were(if you could call it that,living that is-more like watching him commit a slow suicide)
                                  If he drinks now -RUN AWAY!

                                  somebody stop me
                                  somebody stop me

                                  Comment


                                  • below

                                    Comment


                                    • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nappingonthejob:
                                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> he's Greek and I'm not and he has no idea what to do about it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                      if my grandparents could work this issue out in the 40's, then i'm pretty sure you guys can work it out in the slightly more culturally leniant today...you might have to compromise and learn how to cook greek, though

                                      Yatta!
                                      <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                      This may be the 21st century, but in relation to cross-cultural romances, we haven't advanced as far as you think! I was awakened to this issue my freshmen year of school when my roomate (and now best friend) was 1st generation Greek. Her parents will literally disown her if she doesn't marry a greek guy, or at least someone who's Orthodox. And I have learned this is really pretty common.

                                      IE, take how upset the parents were in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and times it by ten.

                                      Prior to meeting her, I had NO idea this kind of nonsense still happened in the civilized world! She's a modern girl with a modern life. Her parents love and dote on her more than any other parents I've ever known.

                                      And yet, she will basically be dead to them if she deosn't marry a Greek!! Her boyfriends have all been non-Orthodox (gasp, even a Jew!) and she has had to hide all of them from her parents.

                                      It's insane!!!

                                      Support F.O.B.B.

                                      Comment


                                      • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Having been married to an alcoholic for 20 years,I can testify to you younger ladies involved with one-It does not get better! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        I was tempted to post on this a couple of pages back, but TBeventer was getting such good advice I hated to take it OT, but I wanted to emphasize Travers's point:

                                        My dad has been in rehab 9 times in the last 4 years, and we are looking at the 10th. He's slowly lost his business (had to sell his store at a loss), his current job (running the other family business), his position as a county commissioner (the re-election campaign was terribly embarrassing) and the respect of his family and friends.

                                        I wish my mom had left him a long time ago. Now, she's really between a rock and a hard place. I don't worry so much about her physical safety, but now that he has no real income and she's spent 35+ years being a wife and mom and not having an external career, she's really stuck. We can't have him put out of the house, and she's got no funds/family of her own left to be able to set herself up somewhere.

                                        It is a nightmare with no good end in sight.

                                        Please, if someone you care about has a drinking problem, take care of yourself first. You can't fix them, and you cannot help them to see that they need help. Only they can make that decision, and I haven't run across many in my journey through this that do stop and get better.

                                        I still love my dad, of course, but I don't like him at all, and hate what he's done to my mom. If you can avoid going down this road, please do what you can to get out of this situation. My mom stayed when his family asked her to, afraid he wouldn't make it through the first time in rehab without her. Now, he's an old pro at it, and she's stuck with no life.

                                        Don't let this, or worse happen to you.

                                        Libby

                                        *Proud member of the Hoof Fetish Clique*
                                        I have Higher Standards ...do you? Find us on FB!
                                        Higher Standards Custom Leather Care -- Handcrafted Saddle Soap

                                        Comment


                                        • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TBeventer:
                                          Hey guys, I just had a question that I wanted to throw out there - didn't really think it was worth starting a new thread.

                                          I was talking with my SO last night, and it wasn't exactly a light conversation...

                                          I happened to mention something about the fact that I was my number one priority. I care about me more than anyone else in the world. May sound a bit selfish, but it's true. He seemed honestly shocked and hurt to hear this, which surprised me. I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts on this. Do you care about yourself more than your SO, or the other way around?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



                                          Sorry about this outburst, but this sounds right on...SO's surprise about not being *Number 1* Oh the shock!

                                          No, this is NOT wrong. To thine self be true....
                                          I am happily married for ten years, and there is only one person more important than me, and it is my son, not my husband!

                                          Because if you don't value yourself, your person and all that comes with it, you will lose yourself, become and apentix to this other person, and afterthought. *You are my world* are good lines for a song, but nothing to live by in real life!

                                          I wonder if your SO thinks he is Number one priority in his life....

                                          Comment

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