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ot - my SO left me today...

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  • #101
    TBeventer, I too am still with my husband because I love him. And I know he loves me.

    But we have many, many problems. These problems have taught me that sometimes love just ain't enough (remember the Don Henley song?). Among other things, there has to be mutual respect and the ability to recognize and meet each other's needs. When there are very basic, important things missing in a relationship, they cancel out that love. You cannot have an honest, loving, healthy relationship if something as important as respect is missing. And the biggest indication of a lack of respect is abuse.

    People have different tolerance levels, obviously. You know what I find ironic? I can't believe I'm about to say this... My problems with my husband take place on an emotional level. That means that when bad things happen, it's not always clear what's going on. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy with the mind games. I have actually wished that my husband would do something horrible like hit me, so that it would be clear to me that I need to walk away. And I know I would, if he did that. I can honestly say that.

    So it just kills me to hear you say he does physically harm you, but you just wished you could hate his guts so you could leave. Honey, I think if you were going to hate him, you'd be doing it by now. Maybe that is never going to happen-- maybe you are going to love him forever. That DOESN'T mean you should stay with him. You can love someone and still move on.

    I know what you mean about sorting through all of the stuff. That is one of the big things that keeps me from going through with it-- I can't imagine the act of moving out. But when it comes down to it, you're just going to have to go through with it. And maybe it's more important to get out with just a few possessions quickly rather than drag it out and put yourself in danger-- or worse, be too paralyzed with anxiety/doubt to move out at all. Sometimes there's just no easy way to do it.

    We're all here for you!

    ***
    The hardest to learn was the least complicated.
    ***
    The hardest to learn was the least complicated.

    Comment

    • #102
      ...... and now that this post has gone WAY off topic - Marta, how are you doing today?

      Comment

      • #103
        Most people start with the cats and then work up to the humans. He's already hit you, don't be surprised if he takes it out on the cats. Also, his folks are the wrong place to go! Surely someone can keep a bag of clothes for you and can come by when he's not home and take you, your 3 cats and your pictures to a safe place. Take the cats and run! Don't trust him not to take it out on them.

        Tranquility Farm
        We don't have many, but the ones we have are nice
        Tranquility Farm - Proud breeder of Born in the USA Sport Horses, and Cob-sized Warmbloods
        Now apparently completely invisible!

        Comment

        • Original Poster
          #104
          tbeventer~
          i'm well, thanks! SO actually came back last night. not sure what's going to happen but i know now that i can make it w/o him, that i can handle the pain of a break up and that makes me so much stronger and happier. i feel strong! i feel good!
          it's his turn to make some decisions. and regardless of what he decides i will be OKAY.
          you all have been a great source of support for the past four days. i can't thank you all enough. obviously i'm not the only one that benefits from the support and wisdom exchanged here on this board. you're all priceless. the best cyber-friends a girl could ask for.
          a HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU!

          "It appears we are being transformed from an information
          society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
          http://www.eponashoe.com/
          TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

          Comment

          • #105
            TBeventer, if you are located anywhere remotely close to me, I will come and get you and the cats. I am just west of London, Ontario. Are we at all close??? My farm is huge, my house a mess and you are most welcome.

            "If you are going through hell, keep going." ~Churchill~
            \"If you are going through hell, keep going.\" ~Churchill~

            Comment

            • #106
              TBEventer -- I obviously don't know you or the details of your situation. But I have some experience working with women who are survivors of domestic abuse. Let me just give you a few thoughts:

              A ditch bag is always a good idea. I know you said you didn't have a car, but a friend from work, or even in your office, can be a good place to stow an emergency kit. That kit can contain a couple changes of clothes, your passport and other necessary identification, things like contact solution and necessary daily prescriptions, plus cash -- about $100 bucks or enough to get you out of trouble, be it by buying a bus ticket or paying a cab fare and a hotel room. Also include any necessary kitty food for a couple of nights.

              On your stuff: you can rent a storage locker for not too much money. See if you can quietly move some of your absolutely can't live without things into the locker (tuck them into your bag going to work and run it over during your lunch break). Do not pick a confrontation over this, or make it obvious that this is what you are doing.

              Third, there are networks of very good domestic abuse shelters all over the country in the States -- in Canada there may be similar types of places. Your local library should have a good list of these resources -- if you're having trouble tracking one down, PT me and I'll see what I can find for you. Call the nearest one. Know where it is, how you can get there, and what their emergency procedures are. Put their phone number in your wallet. This is a resource that not only has good counseling available, but will likely have beds, a place to get yourself back on your feet, and safety.

              Finally, there is alot of documented evidence about cycles that abusive partners go through. Lenore Walker did much of the early research, but the field has grown. Essentially, abusive partners tend to ratchet up emotional, and eventually physical abuse until there is an assault or an outburst, and then go through a period of apology and reconciliation. It is a cycle that is difficult to break free of. Not that knowing this helps much, but I think it's useful to know that these types of behaviors are unfortunately more common than not, and there are some reasons why it is difficult to leave the situation.

              You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.

              Comment

              • #107
                My best friend is in an abusive relationship similar to some of yours. Young couple, girl a daighter of an alcoholic who has found herself an abusive alcoholic boyfriend to "fix"

                She knows she should leave and almost does, then everything is OK for a while and she decides that everything will fine and they are just so in love that she will stay with him.

                It is the most frustrating thing in the world to not be able to do anything. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship I know that nothing I can say will convince her to get her ass out of there

                Hang in there girls!

                Comment

                • #108
                  Oh, yeah, no pets allowed....

                  I believe, there are organisations that can help you find a foster place for your pets if push comes to shove, or many pet rescues in general.
                  I lost the link to petnet(?) that was providing fosterhomes for the pets of servismembers called up, maybe they can help in this situation, too, or a boarding place willing to give you a discount...(my vet boards animals, and is dirt cheap at that)

                  BTW, there are nylon mesh sacks available rescuers use in case of disasters to round up kitties...look like smaller laundry bags...with drawstring allready in...

                  Comment

                  • #109
                    In a pinch I've actually used a duffle bag to take a cat to the vet. True I had to leave it open enough for her to breathe, and at points I kept having to shove her head back in to keep her from jumping out (it was actually hilarious), but it did work. The cat might be more comfortable in that than in a pillowcase, if you can find a way that he/she can still breathe.

                    ***
                    The hardest to learn was the least complicated.
                    ***
                    The hardest to learn was the least complicated.

                    Comment

                    • #110
                      Catullus wrote two lines 2000 years ago -

                      'odi et amo. quare id faciam fortasse requiris.
                      nescio, sed fieri sentio, et excrucior.'

                      'I hate and I love. Why I do so, you may ask.
                      I know not, but I feel it done to me, and I burn.'

                      As true today as it was then.

                      I have had to transport my kitty in a pillowcase before - I have had no problems with a relatively heavy cotton pillowcase, other than the fact he gets pissed that he's stuck in one! It was better than the time I had to take him to the vet in my mom's sewing basket, though. I don't know that I'd want to keep them in a pillow case for a long period of time, but certainly for relatively short trips they'll do in a pinch. I suppose you could always snip little air holes in the pillowcase if it would make you feel better.

                      'O lente, lente currite noctis equi' - Ovid

                      Comment

                      • #111
                        Are your kitties inside only or do they go inside/outside? If they are indoor/outdoor cats, you can enlist a friend to come pick them up the day you plan to leave and just pretend they are outside somewhere.

                        Most animal shelters are connected to disaster-type organizations and should be able to house the cats for you in a pinch. Places like red cross shelters won't take animals, but have partnerships with local shelters for the animals in times of need. Depending on where you live, some shelters also have foster programs where people will take your pets into their households temporarily. The cats shouldn't be a huge hinderance to you leaving. There are many ways to take care of them and keep them safe, too.

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                        • #112
                          been there too sometimes love just isn't enough. I never could think of myself being in a relationship again, I felt I just wasn't the type. i guess I lucked out and found one who wanted to be with me and found my obsessions attractive.

                          I would love to say don't worry , or you just have to move on. But that isn't how it works. It takes a while for things to get better. Spend a lot of time with your horse , I know mine always understands. and feel free to email me if you want to vent.

                          Samie

                          millions of people walking around like happy meals with legs. -Spike
                          millions of people walking around like happy meals with legs. -Spike

                          Comment

                          • #113
                            TB, what would happen if you asked the police for help? Can they/would they agree to send an officer while you remove your things?

                            I'm assuming he works, I'm assuming you have a car- if both of those are true: get gone while he's at work. Friend of mine got a chair thrown at her by her husband. Took her 6 months to sneak the money together...but he came home one day and she was simply GONE>

                            Go to Quinn's. Get a good night's sleep. Wake up, and start living. Jobs are replaceable.Asshole boyfriend's are a dime a dozen. You are the only you you've got.

                            Now git!

                            "Shoot me now! Shoot me now!"
                            Bugs Bunny

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                            • #114
                              Does he work?

                              Comment

                              • #115
                                TBeventer - where are you? I'm about an hour and a half from London, which would either put me near your or REALLY far from you. We have two extra bedrooms, and/or I'm sure I could take the kitties for awhile if need be and if Quinn is too far.

                                I think your best bet is to find a time when you KNOW he'll be at work and then just get the hell out all in one go. That way there's no chance of him becoming violent if you come back for your things and he realizes what's going on.
                                -Katie-
                                http://community.webshots.com/user/cucumper

                                Comment

                                • #116
                                  You're welcome. Any time. You might want to think about renting a car for a day or two to get the cats out and anything else you absolutely want to have.

                                  Also, I'd like to suggest that perhaps you try not to sit down and have "the talk" with him. Statistically, that type of situation is more likely to lead to incidents of violence. We all want resolution, we all want neat, tidy, endings, but in general, they don't happen. Staying safe is much more important. If you can duck out while he's at work (take a half day at work yourself, if need be) and just leave, you are apt to be safer.

                                  Also, to the extent you use a computer at home to check this or other bulletin boards, make sure that you do not have it set to automatically log you in to any website, so it makes it more difficult for him to track what sites you've visited or where you've posted.

                                  Remember that the police are a good resource. Do not be afraid or embarassed to call them at any time. Do not be concerned about bothering them. They are there to protect you. Take care of yourself.

                                  Comment

                                  • #117
                                    TBEventer, I don't know if it will help you any, but one of my coworkers wrote the following:

                                    No Way Out

                                    It might have some information in it that will help you with regard to the cats.

                                    Comment

                                    • #118
                                      TBEventer, please listen to what GotSpots and others are saying. I am tearing up just reading your story. Every day before you leave is another day that this man has stolen from you, another day before you can get your life back; life is too short to waste with bad men. You can do it girl!

                                      Life is short; make fun of it.
                                      Founding Member, Bird Nerd Clique; Eventing Yahoo In Training
                                      The plural of anecdote is not data.
                                      Eventing Yahoo In Training

                                      Comment

                                      • #119
                                        Well, you can stuff all three kitties in one duffle if need be. They will be miffed and hizzy, but it beats the alternative. Accomodations can be bettered later!

                                        BF walks out the door for work, you toss kitties in bag, grab *ditchbag* with irreplacable items, toiletries and off you are!

                                        Sit-downs suck if you split with a good guy, why would you want to have one with one you know may hit you, or worse?!

                                        Comment

                                        • #120
                                          I am so worried about this. TB you need to place the EXACT same concern you have for your cats on YOURSELF. You say the cops are not neccesary. Then it won't be a big deal when they escort your stuff. USE THEM THAT IS WHY THEY ARE THERE!

                                          Use Quinn and the others who have offered. PLEASE!!

                                          I know you all are probably sick of me talking about Aiden, BUT look at him. He was given this miracle of a gift. God doesn't waste life on us. YOU ARE A MIRACLE TOO!! LIFE IS PRECIOUS. YOU NEED TO GET OUT! Even if you think you are safe and some of us are overreacting, you need to be happy!

                                          Leave him, write him a letter, and get the hell out! You can chat on a phone about the "I'm not happy and bla, bla bla"

                                          We care about you and want to know what happens.

                                          ~~Lisa~~
                                          Aiden's web page.

                                          Don't take your organs to Heaven; Heaven knows we need them here.
                                          ~~Lisa~~

                                          www.caringbridge.org/fl/aiden

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