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ot - my SO left me today...

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  • #81
    Good heavens, this is the saddest thread I have read in a long time.

    My heart goes out to all the walking wounded among us. I wish there was a magic elixer to take the pain away. Sadly, only time can do that.

    Be patient, be good to yourselves. They may have taken a bit of your hearts, but they can't touch your souls.

    Jingles for all the warrior-women out there. Stay strong. Print out my sig line and post it everywhere.

    "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."
    -Louisa May Alcott
    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." ~ Jack Layton

    Comment


    • #82
      I agree with Hitch! This is so very sad.. Hugs to all who are having S.O. pain. - Libby

      There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." - DAVE BARRY
      Libby

      There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". - Dave Barry

      Comment


      • #83
        Hi kt! I'm doing really well - I've rented a house which is practically across the street from my work. I walk to work every day and most days go home for lunch to let the dogs out. Right now they are staying in the garage while I'm at work, but I expect to have the doggie run fence put in by the end of the week. I am glad I have them with me. They are very comforting, and they make me feel safe.

        Since I've been so super busy with house selling stuff (yay we are in escrow!!!), I've been really lax in my riding schedule. But it actually has been a really good thing for Mickey. I've found that he does much better with more than one day off per week. Now instead of going 6 days straight then one day off, I do maybe 2-3 days of work and one day off. He is so agreeable, and when I do ride him he is so much better. He's made a ton of progress in just the past month. And it seems to make him happier to jump, also...he's been willingly going over everything I put in front of him. He's my superstar!

        On the dating front, I met a guy the day that mr. batgirl and I officially separated. He's pretty much just a FB, but now I'm questioning how good of one he is...but I do have another guy that I am dating. The second guy is really nice, super cool, very funny and witty, and we have a lot in common. We're going out tonight.

        I've just realized in the past couple of weeks, though, how tough dating and relationships are. When mr. batgirl and I were together, I was pretty unhappy and emotionally unresponsive and unavailable to him because I didn't really want to be in the relationship. Now that I'm meeting people I like, it is so hard. I find I second-guess myself a lot, I wait by the phone, I look forward to the next meeting, etc...

        I know in the long run I'll be a lot happier, though.

        "Both rider and horse must enjoy the work. This is the essence of success" - Reiner Klimke
        "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran

        Comment


        • #84
          marta, I went from a mansion to a tiny one BR attached to a (lovely) barn...zero cash...no paying job..shoveled poop, fed, turned out and cared for horses in exchange for that tiny apt...never happier! I was free, albeit broke...finally had to go back to "real" world and get a paying job, had a bigger one BR, which turned into the "hood"...moved into a loft apt behind someone's home in a nice neighborhood (read: retirees, no crime)...still basically broke, but do have dog, cats and of course horse...and OH YEAH, one more thing...my freedom from ex! It may be tough for a while, but I believe you have the strength to endure

          My horse bucked off your honor student!

          [This message was edited by seahorse on Jul. 08, 2003 at 02:11 PM.]

          Comment


          • #85
            Wow...this thread is so poignant!

            My SO and I have lived with eachother for basically 3 years, with 4 break ups/make ups mixed in.

            This last break up was May 13th, and it lasted for 2 weeks before we tried to spend time as best friends and then ended up getting back together.

            At first I thought it was for the best (getting back together) but, ironically, I am not so sure anymore...he's supportive of the horses, my career, my education, and an all-around great guy...*but* he doesn't have my ambition, drive, education, or same goals.

            At what point do you overlook that stuff? On one hand I hear everyone say how hard it is to find someone who supports the horse thing (both emotionally and financially) completely, isn't abusive, is funny, charming, intelligent, builds things, and helps out...but on the other hand I think about how young I am (21 on saturday) and how he isn't even at the same level of education or have the same ambition level...which is caused somewhat by his rampant alcoholism. *sigh*

            So, my condolences to everyone out there in tough situations...

            Indentured servant to their royal heinesses Bristol, Sesica, Aussie, and Sly.

            And proud member of the elite two-member Alaska Clique. (:
            ******************************
            \"Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?\" RIP Hunter S. Thompson 1937-2005

            Member of the Ebay addicts, warmblood, child of

            Comment


            • #86
              Alcoholism is, in and of itself, a huge problem. Forget everything else.

              It's self destructive behavior - do you want to be with that for the rest of your life? You're not that much older than me - a few months. I don't know if you're exaggerating with 'rampant alcoholism', but it generally goes nowhere but down until the person is willing to get help and treatment. My dad was an alocholic - he's been sober for about 15 years now, but there were some events caused by his alcoholism that were traumatic for all parties involved, especially my mother & I.

              My on-again-off-again SO is a great guy - I love him to bits & he's great to be around & great for me, in most aspects. He's had a rough life in parts, but has a good career & is just a very stable, very good human being. He's very smart, just not particularly intellectual. I thrive on discussion - current events, politics, books, etc. I wish I could say it doesn't matter to me that he could care less about a lot of stuff that is important to me (art, culture, literature) - but I NEED that 'intellectual' (not to be confused with 'intelligent') stimulation in my life. I don't notice how much I miss it until I meet guys that are on that 'level'.

              'O lente, lente currite noctis equi' - Ovid

              Comment


              • #87
                jingles for all you ladies and new mommies! JINGLE JINGLE!

                I had a jerk ex boyfriend once. He did it all to me, cheated on me etc... total looser. It was hard because months and months later I kept pretending in my head that he was so much nicer than he really was. (I missed being with "someone" and confused missed being with "him". So I sat down and wrote on a peice of paper EVERY awful, or not so awful, or annoying thing he did to me. I made copies and posted it everywhere! My fridge, car, mirror. I was completely over it and stronger in 2 weeks. I had a grip on REALITY instead of my mind playing tricks on me.

                Good luck and know you are not alone. If it wasn't for the crummy guy, I would have never know how INCREDIABLE my hubby is now.

                ~~Lisa~~
                Aiden's page.. DOING GREAT!!

                Recycle yourself; Be an organ donor
                ~~Lisa~~

                www.caringbridge.org/fl/aiden

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                • #88
                  Albion...

                  unfortunately, no, I'm not exaggerating...I have dealt with his alcoholism for 3 years...and yes, I know that it is in and of itself a huge problem...but, and I'm not making excuses for him, he is not like some other alcoholics who are abusive either emotionally, physically, or mentally.

                  But, as you said, it is self-destructive...and, unfortunately, his bad decisions *do* affect me...in the way of bailing him out of jail b/c of a DWI on a four-wheeler, the subsequent bailings out b/c he doesn't complete prescribed treatment, the dealing with hangover-induced grumpiness, driving him everywhere b/c he never has had a license due to numerous MIC/MIP charges as a youth...

                  However, in *every* other aspect he is the dream SO...he loves animals and is devoted to the horses, he can build things, he loves me completely, does whatever I ask, does not complain often, works very hard (two jobs, 16 hours a day/6 days a week usually), is well versed on current events and can discuss/debate intelligently and enjoyably...and he even tolerates living w/my best friend and I, and is also welcoming the fact that my other best friend from Oregon is coming up and moving in with us...so, he'll be the only testosterone in an estrogen filled environment.

                  So, at what point do you call alcoholism a deal breaker? What would some of you consider deal breakers?

                  Indentured servant to their royal heinesses Bristol, Sesica, Aussie, and Sly.

                  And proud member of the elite two-member Alaska Clique. (:
                  ******************************
                  \"Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?\" RIP Hunter S. Thompson 1937-2005

                  Member of the Ebay addicts, warmblood, child of

                  Comment


                  • #89
                    Hmmm...there must be something in the air. My boyfriend and I have been having problems recently...and I know that most of them have been caused by me- and the fact that my life in general is incredibly unstable right now and i've been going through a great deal of changes...but all the same he's loved me for a year (i know i know a year isn't too incredibly long but when you fall for someone- you fall for someone...) well tonite he wants to "talk about some serious issues"- i guess i'll let y'all know how it goes....

                    Comment


                    • #90
                      Ummm... Dutch, think of yourself honestly in 10 years with this guy. You have children, and he is still an alcoholic. Just because he isn't violent now, doesn't mean it can'e ever happen.

                      Picture this: You have children, have to work two jobs because his alcoholism has gotten worse over the years, he keeps saying he is going to quit but never does. He STILL doesn't have a driver's license, and sits at home drinking all day in front of the children.

                      Now I know this may not happen, but the thing is, there is a pattern with alcoholism, and unless he goes to AA meetings faithfully and REALLY quits drinking, you are looking at a similar scenerio to the one I said above.

                      Here are the Devilpups!!
                      http://community.webshots.com/user/angelgregory87


                      GO MARINES!!!!!!!! OORAH!!!
                      Is minic a rinne bromach gioblach capall cumasach
                      An awkward colt often becomes a beautiful horse .

                      Comment


                      • #91
                        As TBeventer said, it's when the person refuses to get help.

                        My father was in the Army & stationed in Turkey when everything really went down - we went to the airport to pick him up (he was supposed to be coming home 'permanently' from a 2 year tour of duty) & he just didn't get off the plane. It's one of my most vivid memories as a young kid. I was 4. Turns out he'd gotten alcohol poisoning in a bar & was in an Army hospital, no one bothered to call my mum.

                        Next time I saw him, he was in detox at Walter Reed.

                        Don't let it get to that point. If he's unwilling to get help, walk away. My mum drinks too much; the older I get, the more of a mother I become when she's plastered. It's one thing to pick your best friend up off the floor & clean her up after she's fallen down & punctured her lip because she's way too intoxicated, it's another when it's one's own mother. It's infuriating, maddening, and frustrating as hell, because I can't save her from herself. I've gotten hysterical on her on more than a few occassions because I can't handle it.

                        I know for me, I couldn't tolerate it in my SO. I just can't do that to myself. My parents did it to me, and I'll be damned if I'm going to make the same mistakes as my mother. My SO has his own problems that get to me (not alcohol) - it doesn't prevent him from living a good life, but it irks the hell out of me. At this point, it IS a deal breaker with me until he grows up or gets help. Does your SO recognize he has a problem? That's usually the first step to recovering, although as they say, one is never 'cured' of alcoholism - merely in 'recovery'.

                        'O lente, lente currite noctis equi' - Ovid

                        Comment


                        • #92
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TBeventer:
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by woudn'tYOUliketoknow?:
                          My boyfriend and I have been having problems recently...and I know that most of them have been caused by me- and the fact that my life in general is incredibly unstable right now and i've been going through a great deal of changes...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          Whatever you do, DON'T do that to yourself! I did that for years.... "Well, he wouldn't have flipped out if I didn't...blah blah blah...." It does horrible things to one's self esteem.

                          There are 2 people in a relationship - 2 people to make mistakes. Don't put all the blame on yourself, it will only make you feel like crap.

                          Good luck.... hope your talk goes well. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          Thank you!!!! I think that's really something that I need to think about. And realize. Because I'm constantly replaying in my head all of the times I've expected him to be there for me and help me deal with my problems...but at the same time, I can't help but think about all the times I've done the same for him (even though he internalizes things more than he should really) and all the wonderful things that I've done to show him I love and care for him (FYI we've only been seriously dating a year, but we were..."other stuff" before that...) but I need to realize that if I have to change myself too much for a person than they are not worth it...thank you! And yes, I too hope my talk goes well. I mean I could be overreacting, it could be nothing...I mean just the other day we had a "mini- talk" and he said explicitly (while I didn't sense a great deal of emotion behind it) that he "wasn't going anywhere"- but of course, today's a new day, and things change...aaaah. I'm young, I know. But being young only means that things will be better in the long run- it does't necessarily make me feel better now! :-)

                          Comment


                          • #93
                            My heart goes out to all of you who are in the midst of these relationships. Love is really not enough. Last year my best girlfriend showed up at my doorstep bruised and battered. After much cajoling she actually went to the emergency room (I wanted it on the record). After I heard her give the nurse a standard line (hit myself with door etc...) and they took her away to an exam room I started speaking to myself. Loudly enough to get the attention of the cop stationed in the ER. That worked. He went and talked to her and after she was like a new woman. She went home but unfortunately the cops in her town were less well trained and destroyed the faith that the other cop had built.

                            Long story short she let him back into her home and her life. This is a girl who owned her own home, who needed this low life for nothing(except to make her feel like crap I guess.)

                            I still don't understand the cycel of abuse except that through talking with my friend it came out that her father used to beat her mother (they later divorced), maybe it's something you grow up with. I also know this wasn't the first physically abusive relationship she's been involved in.

                            From what I've learned the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship for the woman is when they finally get the guts to leave. If this is your situation put things into perspective and get as far away as you can, your life is the most important thing.

                            As for my friend she continues to see this guy every once in while, she says he's been nice to her since he stopped drinking... I hope so, she's such a nice girl.

                            Relationships, marriage, etc... are wonderful when they're good, but they are not necessary to be happy. I'd rather be "alone" with my Labs than together with a jerk who mistreats me. Relationships should enhance and enrich one's life, but are not required to define oneself as a woman.

                            Comment


                            • #94
                              At least I have a tidbit of good news from my situation...maybe it will cheer everyone up & give reason to hope:
                              Talked to my SO this morning on the computer~ he's been absolutely miserable this past week missing me. He's had a ton of family in town, houseguests, and had the joy of keeping them entertained...Anyways, he made the suggestion of possibly seeing me tonite and renting a movie...so keep the fingers crossed that things go well! I did buy a nice bottle of wine to take over...said he'd call me after work, so now the suspense is killing me. All afternoon at work I had the jitters~ you'd think it was a first date or something....

                              II===II SUZ II===II
                              "KICK ON, AIDEN!"
                              *SC'er's Clique*Group W Bench Clique*
                              Crayola posse~ orange yellow, official pilot
                              Proud owner of "High Flight" & "Shorty"

                              Comment

                              • Original Poster

                                #95
                                huntjumpSC~
                                good luck! hope all goes GREAT!

                                "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                                society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                                http://www.eponashoe.com/
                                TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                                Comment


                                • #96
                                  Good luck Suz!!

                                  ~~Lisa~~
                                  Aiden's page.. DOING GREAT!!

                                  Recycle yourself; Be an organ donor
                                  ~~Lisa~~

                                  www.caringbridge.org/fl/aiden

                                  Comment


                                  • #97
                                    Ditto, Suz!
                                    ~This is *way* more fun than doing something productive~

                                    Comment


                                    • #98
                                      TB - I get the feeling that you sense that your situation has become quite dangerous. I am not a professional so any advice I offer is strictly on an amateur level. God knows I've watched enough Lifetime Channel movies to see where this is going! (just kidding folks, sort of).

                                      That said I think you should leave your situation, but as I mentioned before, this is often the most dangerous time for a woman involved in an abusive relationship.

                                      Consider putting together, as we would say in nautical terms, a "ditch bag" full of the essential basics for you and the critters you can fit in the car. Stash it in the wheel well so that you can exit quickly if necessary.

                                      If your're ready and you have the opportunity really leave. Don't go to your friends house less that 50 miles away. Go far. Be geographically inconvenient. Can't do drivebys on the spur of the moment. Grab the critters and go. Be strong and when you need to psyche yourself up growl like the panther Nastajia (sp)Kinski played in that weird remake movie with David Bowie... curl your lip like a leopard, show your fangs, hiss, and stirke out with your front paws.

                                      Individually contact your creditors and friends and tell them your new address. Don't fill out one of the Postal Service cards. Notify everyone important yourself, and even then only give them a PMB, and make sure it is kept confidential.

                                      As awful as mental abuse is, and I think it is just as bad, just a different sort of bad, it doesn't carry the same risk of sudden and violent untimely death that physical abuse does. Please be careful, all of you girls.

                                      Suz - I'll email you privately but I don't think you should be the one supplying the wine tonight. If he's going to treat you like this, he has should be crawling on his knees and serving you Beluga on toes of a pair of Manolo Blahniks. Woohoo. Do you know why I say this? No, it's not to be mean, after all you 've already left to go to his place by now, no I say this for another reason entirely.

                                      Suz, you are a very gifted woman with a gracious background. You're a very cool chick and deserve to be with a very cool, smart, together guy who will appreciate all of your great qualities. Your ex bf is "exhausted taking care of the family, etc...." you know what Suz, you would have been so overjoyed to have introduced him to your family if such an occasion ocurred. You would have been so psyched because you're ga ga in love with the guy and chances are your family would have loved him if he was purple and had two heads. And even if they didn't it wouldn't have mattered because you love him.

                                      But he didn't want you around when his relatives were visiting but is quite happy for YOU to drive to his house, after dinner, bringing wine. You're "good enough" for that, but not for his family. B***S***

                                      So, if the situation at hand makes the boat too rocky for him, I'd be scared about what would happen when the inevitable serious "storm" strikes.

                                      YOu should growl too Suzie.

                                      [This message was edited by heelsdown on Jul. 07, 2003 at 10:55 PM.]

                                      Comment


                                      • #99
                                        TBeventer - I've had to break off relationships more than once, and there's always conflict. Get ready to be called every filthy name he can think up and accused of every vile act known. And don't even feel like you need to stop and defend yourself against his fantasy, just get away. Let him think whatever he wants to think. "Yeah, so what Mr. I'm a big fat scumbag, what of it?"

                                        Don't reward him by staying because he's acting nice. YOU don't even like him anymore, so why continue to placate him? Would you marry him? Have his children? Grow old with him? Something tells me you don't even want to drive to the corner store with him.

                                        Don't feel like you need to play the Good Girl by breaking up with him in person when a letter will do nicely. If not a letter, then smoke signals.

                                        And don't worry about transporation or cat carriers, I think there are enough Canadian COTHers that they could form a TBeventer Rescue if asked. Think of it this way, how many more weekends this summer do you want ruined by his dumb ass?

                                        "Never trust a man in a blue trench coat, never drive a car when you're dead." Tom Waits

                                        Comment


                                        • [QUOTE]Originally posted by TBeventer:
                                          I could take the train, but I think he might know something's up if I go and buy 3 cat carriers all at once! LOL
                                          I do realise that leaving could potentially be dangerous - obviously part of the reason that I've been putting it off. I hate confrontation.

                                          Right now I don't believe I'm in any danger. Things have been going fine, and he's been treating me well. Unfortunately I can't forget about the things that have already been done.

                                          [QUOTE]

                                          Don't you sound like the textbook gal....be carefull!

                                          BTW, in a pinch pillowcases work very well for cats, as i have learned on millions of hours on the Animal planet show. Stick the Felines in a big duffelbag, thats how I take mine to the vet...

                                          On the other hand, it is always good to have a Ditch bag ready, a member from another board recently lost her hous and everything in it, including two of her three dogs! She had nothing but the PJs on her back....

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