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Handling former strained trainer/friend equine relationships at the shows...

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  • #21
    Originally posted by islgrl View Post
    Its easy. Act like an adult, be polite and civil and go about your day. This is true whether its a trainer or any other person on earth you may have had an issue with. Never be that person who isn't polite and civil. Don't go out of your way to try and be weird nice or strike up a long conversation because that wouldn't ring true either.
    Yes and in the long run it helps to pave a road to understanding.... our trainer who we loved, but had a falling out with his wife's great ambitions was a rated judge who we had to show under... it took about fifteen years for everyone to be friends again but we made it.


    • #22
      I think it depends on what the falling out was over. If it was something small, like a personality conflict or a different training style, etc., then I make every effort to set the tone for a friendly casual relationship. Say hi, ask how SO or such and such horse is doing, then move on.

      If the falling out was over something more serious, like cheating, stealing, abuse, etc., then I would be polite but keep a little more distance. However, it is a good life skill to be able to use good manners to interact politely with people that you may dislike or are uncomfortable with.


      • #23
        Good manners, and just being polite have saved my behind more than once. You dont have to be overly nicey nice, and you dont have to ignore. If you run into them amid the show, nod and say hi. If they ignore you or speak badly about you, thats all on them. When somebody speaks badly about others, most people consider the source, and see it as a reflection on the one speaking badly, rather than the one being spoken about.
        Just like our eyes, our hearts have a way of adjusting to the dark.--Adam Stanley


        • #24
          Just wanted to add: The horse world is small, and your regional horse world is smaller. Even if you never speak with the trainer again, you'll inevitably run into or want to make friends/do business with with her students (former and future), veterinarian, farrier, riding buddies, etc. If you pick a fight with her, you'll miss out on so many potential connections. Keep it civil and know that time will take the sting out of your falling out. Good luck!


          • #25
            Practice this phrase "I wish her all the best"


            • #26
              I choose to be civil and make small chit-chat as appropriate. My very close friends know the story- nobody else needs to know. I refuse to play the nasty drama game. The horse world is very small, and you never know where your next sale could come from.


              • #27
                Originally posted by altermetoday View Post
                yeah, its just going to be awkward and I hate that now I'll be the subject of their gossip... urgh.
                pft, what do you care!

                Best revenge is living well.
                Go out, do your thing, should you bump into her smile and be on your way.

                Nothing takes the wind out of one's sails quicker than the object of conversation not delivering any fodder.

                Life is too short to go about worrying about who is talking about you.


                • #28
                  Been in this situation myself and yes, the best way is the adult way, like the penguins in "Madagascar", "smile and wave boys, smile and wave"!


                  • #29
                    In addition to all the great advice already offered, recognize that yes, it will be awkward the first time you run into the person. But if you're polite, etc., you can limit the awkwardness to only that first encounter. If you always try to avoid even saying "Hi", every encounter will be awkward. Best to get it out of the way as quickly as possible!


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by altermetoday View Post
                      Just curious if any of you have had a falling out with a trainer, employer, friend and then subsequently see them at horse shows or clinics etc... how does that go over with you? How do you handle it? Any suggestions? I'm sure I will see a former trainer / friend whom I had a falling out with over one of my horses... tmi .... but she's super critical of people and now that we aren't "in" together, I know I'll be on the chopping block and I really don't want to deal with her.

                      That said, she's not been training much lately and I'll only run into her if she takes one or two of her green prospects out and about... but not looking forward to that possibility...

                      So, how do you handle these situations? Do you not go to certain things? do you just avoid them and ignore? I know this is a common occurrence, but not for me and I hate conflict...thanks!
                      Sounds scarily familiar. Pretty much exact same situation with somebody I use to lesson/ train with. Problem is my person is also a judge. She loves to gossip and bash people behind their backs. I am sure I will be mentioned more than once to anybody that will listen. Oh well, I guess I should be flattered.

                      I think my person will take care of all the ignoring for me, and I am honestly going to avoid shows that she judges, which should be easy. I have a new, more open minded and positive group of friends now and plan to concentrate on having fun, not her.
                      Maggie Bright, lovingly known as Skye and deeply missed (1994 - 2013)
                      The Blog


                      • #31
                        What islgirl said.

                        Be the mature person and ignore the drama. Usually it's best to just be polite and stay more or less away. Maybe a polite "hello" and move on so you're not feeding the flames.

                        Sometimes it's important to reach out and smooth things over, but you'll know if you have one of those situations. (The drama from keeping your distance will be worse than just making peace.)

                        You may well be the topic of gossip. The good news is that this will either die down (if you don't feed it) or she's such a loon and so vindictive that she'll be the one to look bad.

                        Don't feed the drama. It's too unhealthy and so not worth it. Go about your business.
                        Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


                        • #32
                          On a personal note... I think a former trainer (now judge) dislikes me because of the trainer I'm now with. She made some underhanded comment about me riding a large horse "In case you grow." Well, I'm a full grown adult and a plump one at that. I just smiled and kept going. Yes, I know she wasn't being nice and I was too surprised to even react. Oh well. She's not worth it.
                          Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


                          • #33
                            Great advice from others.

                            I just want to add, and OP, this is NOT about you,

                            If this trainer, or anyone else, has a reputation of gossip and bad-mouthing others, my mom taught me years ago that "if they talk about others with you, you can be sure that they talk about you with others".

                            I try to live by that advice and not engage with folks that are critical of people that aren't there to defend themselves. Honestly, it's so hard sometimes, but, I just keep hearing momma...


                            • #34

                              I encountered my crazy ex-BO at a couple local shows last summer. Primary strategy: avoid her and her group. Secondary strategy: ignore her and her group. If both fail, and I am forced to interact with Crazy Lady, very icy politeness. At one show, I wondered aloud to my family if my horse would drink the water at the facility. Crazy Lady overheard and pompously told me that I should have him drink from a bucket or he might get the other horses sick. I smiled and thanked her for her concern.

                              I was holding my bucket in my hand, BTW.



                              • Original Poster

                                Originally posted by BellaLuna View Post
                                Great advice from others.

                                I just want to add, and OP, this is NOT about you,

                                If this trainer, or anyone else, has a reputation of gossip and bad-mouthing others, my mom taught me years ago that "if they talk about others with you, you can be sure that they talk about you with others".

                                I try to live by that advice and not engage with folks that are critical of people that aren't there to defend themselves. Honestly, it's so hard sometimes, but, I just keep hearing momma...
                                This is sooo, so true... of this person in particular. My one friend stopped talking to this person years ago because she was so hypercrytical of my friends daughter... and it wasn't nice helpful stuff, but it was harsh. Bad enough to hear re: a friend but when someone does that ALL.THE.TIME and its your daughter... well, needless to say, that friend distanced herself from my friend/trainer. They are friendly when they see each other but you know what? Even till about a few mos ago, if there was a picture or something posted about my other friends daughter, the friend/trainer would criticize her to me....

                                And I know she used to say harsh things to me years ago and I transferred my trainer relationship to friendship only and found other trainers to ride wiht...of course my trainers that I ride with were under scrutiny and I was "told" that my trainer doesn't really ride all the horses she has in training... when my friend has never been in my current trainers barn or dealt with her other than to see her ride. My trainer has a full training barn and touches every horse every day in some way... and if not her, she has her staff do it and she's there to check every horse every day... and I know because I worked in that barn for years and saw the list of horses getting worked and the operation they have. But my friend always bad mouthed my trainer... she couldn't bad mouth my riding because I stopped riding around her years ago.

                                So... I know she will continue to talk and I think I'm glad I've distanced myself from that friendship!


                                • #36
                                  Originally posted by lintesia View Post
                                  In addition to all the great advice already offered, recognize that yes, it will be awkward the first time you run into the person. But if you're polite, etc., you can limit the awkwardness to only that first encounter. If you always try to avoid even saying "Hi", every encounter will be awkward. Best to get it out of the way as quickly as possible!
                                  This, then it gets easy, and maybe you can stand by the ring with her.
                                  “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Peter Drucker