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Pregnant and not sure what to do. :(

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  • Pregnant and not sure what to do. :(

    First of all, I apologize in advance for posting something not technically horse-related (but it is, in a way, as you'll see in a couple of lines.) I debated whether or not to post this, but finally thought "what the heck. what have I got to lose?" I'm in my late twenties and this is my second pregnancy. I got pregnant unexpectedly last year, and miscarried at about seven weeks. Even though it was not the right time in my life, I felt depressed and "robbed" of my baby. It didn't help that my family members, especially my mom who should've been the MOST supportive person in my life, were cold and insensitive. So against all reason, dh and I quit using our birth control method a couple of months ago. I should explain why it's not the "right time" in my life.. Yes, i'm married, and we both have stable jobs. But I'm somewhat of a late bloomer, emotionally, and have not yet had a chance to finish my education, advance my career, or reach any of my horse-related goals. I also suffer from a medical condition that makes it hard to function--I won't go into detail lest someone from RL or on here recognizes me.

    I hate to admit it, but I'm selfish. I almost wish I'd miscarry again so that I don't have to give up riding and my job. I actually ENJOY working and having my own income apart from my husband. I can't imagine being trapped at home with a kid all day. He said he would try to get a night job so that I can work days and we can trade "shifts" taking care of the baby, but theres no gaurantee that will happen. I can't imagine myself getting an abortion, though. The pain after the miscarriage, let alone an abortion... I just wish I could take it back, and get an IUD like I was considering after the miscarriage. It would have stopped this ridiculous, impulsive thinking of mine.

    I'd love to hear from people who have been in the same situation. Thanks in advance for any replies.

  • #2
    Sending hugs. But no advice other than you have GOT to talk to your DH about what you want. Don't get pregnant just to satisfy him, and then hope for a miscarriage. And you CAN work and have a child, if you arrange daycare.


    • #3
      I think your hormones are kicking high in the ceiling!

      CALM DOWN.

      You visibly want a kid.
      You are pregnant.

      Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to stop everything.
      A lot of women keep their day job.
      A lot of women keep riding.

      YOU are the only one who can take the decision for yourself.

      You want to stay home? Stay home.
      You want to finish your degree? Finish your degree.

      As simple as that really. (yeah, sometimes it is not always that easy but just remember you are not the only one on earth who has the same wishes as you and plenty of women are successfull in their carreer and their riding)

      And you should probably try to consult.
      ~ Enjoying some guac and boxed wine at the Blue Saddle inn. ~

      Originally posted by LauraKY
      I'm sorry, but this has "eau de hoarder" smell all over it.
      HORSING mobile training app


      • #4
        You have plenty of options and choices

        No, it wasn't like that.. HE was actually trying to satisfy ME. Not that he didn't want a child, but he was smart/mature enough to recognize that I wasn't ready. But each month when I got my period I would literally cry. Seeing women pregnant or with their babies would make me feel jealous and sad. I think he felt so bad that I was feeling bad, that he gave in even though he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't blame him at all; I blame myself.
        So first things first you should not now or ever feel trapped into raising a child. If you are not ready the best possible thing you can do for your self or that child is to not take on a huge task you are clearly not ready for.

        You very clearly need to have a very honest heart to heart with your DH it is better to be honest now than find out neither of you wanted this 5 years from now.

        You also very clearly need to reach out to your OBGYN and get some professional help. Hormones are a hell of a drug and you need to make sure you are getting the help you need.

        There are plenty of options from abortion to adoption but please seek professional help
        Last edited by mew; Dec. 10, 2012, 12:05 PM.


        • #5
          Originally posted by alibi_18 View Post
          I think your hormones are kicking high in the ceiling!

          Your body and hormones are going nuts right now. And I don't know of one single person who has gotten pregnant (no matter how planned or not) who hasn't had those "My God, what have I done?" feeling. A lot.

          You're going to be able to do the things you want to do. It might look a bit different in your mind now, and you might have different challenges, but it's totally doable.

          You're going to be fine. Promise.
          "Aye God, Woodrow..."


          • #6
            Wow, are you sure you aren't me? Just from what you wrote I could pass as your twin here. I agree with everyone else, the hormones are not helping you. I am married, our older daughter is now 8. My pregnancy with her was great and that included the delivery, everything was perfect and she was such an easy baby. Unfortunately something happened to me during delivery because ever since having her I have had endless health issues which have yet to be figured out and are bad enough that I have been given the option to go on disability which I refuse to do. We just had our second (and last) daughter 8 months ago and prior to that I also had a miscarriage which I was fully expecting to happen although it didn't make going through it any easier. I felt the exact same way once I was pregnant again and I never went through those feelings with the first pregnancy even though that was an "oops". Definitely talk to your husband, he needs to be involved here and help you through this because you should not be feeling this way with no outlet, but you can do this.

            My horses are at my home and I made sure to keep up with everything, although I wasn't able to ride (because of my health issues) I still fed, mucked, groomed every day. Sometimes I would let my husband do it because I was in too much pain but I would at least go out to visit every day if nothing else. I work from home, opposite shifts of my husband and while it does kind of suck that we lose a fair amount of time together it is only temporary until the baby is old enough to know/abide by the rules while mommy is working. I'm sure your work situation is different but I have full confidence that you can make this work despite the doubt in your mind right now. You need to talk to your husband, he is the best person to support you. Feel free to pm though if you need to talk more!
            The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.


            • #7
              there is never a right time to have a child.
              I said it.

              Breathe deeply, have some hot chocolate.

              You don't have to stay home with babe, it's actually hardly ever done these days. It's called day care, and it is also a fantastic thing to socialize a single child.
              Yes, it will cost you a little extra, but not as much as a second horse.

              The riding?
              Well, hard to tell. There is really no way to predict how pregnancy will affect your body.
              But it's not the death sentence of your riding ambitions.

              Yes, your thoughts and hormones are all over the place right now.
              Having a child is a huge change in life.
              But rest assure, it's not the end of you.
              As a matter of fact, children do thrive very well when they are not raised to believe that they are the center of the universe.
              They adapt and fit into their place in the family.


              • #8
                These feelings are normal, even for much wanted pregnancies. Take a deep breath.

                Why give up working to stay home? I love my kid, have another on the way and I am just not cut out to be a stay at home mom. My kid goes to daycare/preschool while I'm working, and so will the new one.

                Do not plan on the "shifts" thing working -- one of you will never sleep because that child will be awake during one of your shifts. That's a good way to burn yourselves out. You need to rework your budget to account for childcare.

                It will be fine. I ride more than I did before my first child, FWIW. I had a very demanding job then, now a more lifestyle-friendly one.


                • #9
                  Exactly - most everyone has moments of sheer terror, especially with a first pregnancy. It's a combination of hormones and the reality that creating an entire human is a HUGE deal.

                  You can still work, go to school, ride horses, see friends, and do everything you do now. Scheduling is just a bit harder.

                  I finished undergrad while pregnant, attended grad school with a toddler, and have worked part time, full time, employed by others, self employed; it all works out, I promise.


                  • #10
                    I haven't been in your situation, but two of my professional friends who were well set up in their careers and without needing any meds that make it hard to function had a pretty difficult time during their mat leaves, essentially feeling trapped. They're both back to work now and happy with their kids, but...that feeling can happen to the most well-adjusted, "this is a good time to have a kid and we planned it" people. If you're already torn by doubts, I would advise you to get some counseling now; that way you have someone to vent to who'll hear you out, talk out various scenarios with you, and who you might not feel guilty confiding in like you potentially might with a hubby or friends.
                    Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia


                    • #11
                      What everyone else said. Hormones make you crazy, especially with the first because you don't know what to expect. Believe me, all three times when that stick turned blue I tought Dear God what have I done?! But it passes.

                      I stayed home with my girls but plenty of people don't. What's important is to what works for you and your husband. I suspect working different shifts is not the answer. Take a deep breath and relax, life has a way of working out.

                      You have nine months to get ready for your new adventure. Have fun.


                      • #12
                        BIG CYBER HUGS to YOU! You've gotten some GREAT advice on here. Keep calm and carry on - I know, easy for me to say, I'm not wearing your shoes. But everyone is right on with this. There's no set "right way" to do this motherhood thing. And once Baby is here, there a million different ways to accommodate scheduling, child care, date nights, riding, etc. My daughter spent time in a pack and play at the barn while I rode. I traded out with other folks on child care (I'll watch both kids on Tuesday if you'll take both kids on Friday sort of thing) so I could ride, work part time, work full time, finish college degrees, etc.

                        You are blessed but I know it's overwhelming. Ignore those shouting hormones and KNOW that things really, really do have a way of working out.

                        And, btw, Congrats! Just embrace the Dorie philosophy: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." It's all gonna be okay. {{{{hugs}}}


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by fordtraktor View Post
                          These feelings are normal, even for much wanted pregnancies. Take a deep breath.
                          I agree - and even adoptions. We adopted our girls...it's not like you can do that by accident! And still there were days before and after the fact that I woke up in a cold sweat!

                          Deep breaths...

                          And I miscarried twice before our adoptions, so I get that, too. ((Hugs)) And wondering if you are doing what you are doing as an impulsive "rebound" to those feelings of loss...it's very complicated.

                          Don't make any rash decisions - about anything (the baby, your marriage, job, riding, education...etc.) Sit down with the dh and talk...see where you are at. Nothing is insurmountable if you are in it together.


                          • #14
                            I suspect that for a lot of people, there's even more anxiety when you've TRIED to get pregnant than there is when it's an oops! Because you know you CHOSE this and whatever impact it has on your life is your "fault". KWIM? You're not just dealing with how the chips fall, you threw the chips up in the air!

                            That said, I know several women who have maintained a horse life, a professional life, and a home life. However, priorities do have to shift and I think that planning comes into play.

                            I've not had a baby myself so I can't comment there. But I do have stepkids who take a lot of time, energy and resources that used to go towards myself, horses, work, etc.

                            I don't have all the answers, but I think what has helped me the most is to block out "me" time. It's not selfish. It's a necessity. I get crazy without it.

                            Best wishes.
                            A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                            Might be a reason, never an excuse...


                            • #15
                              Are you sure you aren't actually afraid you will miscarry again and just want to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I know if I were pregnant, I'd be terrified, especially if it ended in heartbreak last time.
                              Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans


                              • #16
                                Hang in there. Just take things one day at a time. Yes, having a baby is going to be a life changer, but you will figure it out. Having a baby does not mean that you have to give up horses or your job unless that's how you want it to be. Don't do the "opposite shifts" thing. Start looking into other child care options and if appropriate get on a wait list at a good day care.

                                That's the nature of life--things progress and things change in unexpected ways. Reach out to other people, regular friends and other moms so that you have a network of people you can talk to instead of allowing yourself to become isolated.

                                I agree with Buddyroo that it is sometimes tricky when you've chosen to get pregnant because you think that other people are going to say, "But isn't this what you wanted??" Just because you wanted it doesn't mean it isn't challenging and downright difficult at times, and its OKAY to admit that.


                                • #17
                                  What you know for sure is that you're pregnant. Everything else is speculation.

                                  Some of it you're going to be able to control, like how big of a role the horses will play and what your schedule will be. Some if it you can't control, like another miscarriage.

                                  To maintain your sanity just keep focusing on what you can control and what you know for sure.

                                  I had a miscarriage before each of my kids; it makes you a little gun shy but you'll feel better when you pass that stage of the pregnancy.

                                  You have time, lots of time, to get used to it all. It's freaky, it's exciting, it's a big step... it can be one of the best times of your life too. Don't live on the other side of the fence-you wanted to be pregnant, now enjoy it as much as you can!
                                  “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey


                                  • #18
                                    First of all, I do not have children so I cannot say that I have walked in your shoes. BUT I can encourage you to keep riding.

                                    I have a great friend that is a successful dressage rider in Florida that rode all the way up until her 8.5 month. She popped that baby out and was back in the saddle lickity split. (less than 2 months) she tots that tot around to shows, she takes him to the barn with his sitter.... it will work.

                                    Just breath, relax, and readjust. Humans are great at readjusting.


                                    • #19
                                      Being home with baby happens to be the perfect time to take online courses and advance that education!


                                      • Original Poster

                                        Thanks for the support, guys. As for daycare, I was never fond of the idea of putting my child under a stranger's watch. I grew up as a "latch key" kid so I know the pain of not having parents around-in my case, completely alone. I always thought my big dream in life was to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. I now realize that I was trying to fill the void from my childhood. Having grown up a bit (I think), I realize that that is not the function of having children. It's not the answer to my emptiness. But when you get something that you've wanted since your teens, and it's taken away from you, and your "mom" tells you "aren't you glad god took care of this" and "I'm not going to cry because you lost a baby at 7 weeks" and no one else shows any empathy either,-okay, my husband did-thank god for him-you kind of want to get it back. If nothing else, to SHOW THEM. That's my inner rebellious teenager, I guess.

                                        Anyway I have depression/anxiety and chronic fatigue (never got a proper diagnosis for the chronic fatigue despite extensive bloodwork, multiple times with different drs, so I assume it's related to the depression.) And as much as I love working as I stated before, and obviously riding, it takes everything in me just to be on my feet for 6 hours, or to groom, tack up and ride ONE horse. I can't imagine what it will be like to chase around a toddler all day. No, I can't take medicine for my emotional issues because I don't want to risk hurting the fetus, and I plan to breastfeed for at least one year if I'm able. Just have to find other ways to cope for awhile longer I guess. I'm trying to get some exercise daily to help with the depression but I'm just sooo tired. I even skipped out on the barn the other day which is unheard of-I always ride whenever I have the opportunity. Being exhausted 24/7 is no fun, especially when you're in your 20's. I don't know what the answer is. I'm in tears now.