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Men and Their Tolerance / Acceptance of Horses and Our Lifestyle

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  • Men and Their Tolerance / Acceptance of Horses and Our Lifestyle

    I'm with this amazing guy and when I try to say how lucky I am to have him, I often say how he's crazy (it's well known that I'm crazy too) to be so accepting of the lifestyle that comes along with having horses. I keep thinking that he must not really "get it" completely (although he hasn't run screaming yet). He thinks that most everyone is this accepting of our dedication to horses and riding but I think not and wanted to see other CotHers opinions. (Read: Help me prove him wrong. ).

    We're unfortunately doing the long distance thing right now but when he visits me he watches my rides and lessons and helps me when I work at the barn (doing stalls, etc.). He helps with the whole grooming, tacking up, cooling out, and bathing thing because he wants to learn more about it. He helps me with cleaning tack and he's also expressed wanting to learn how to ride, so that he at least knows the basics of riding (although he already asks about what my horse and I are doing during our rides). He's even gone as far to say that he wants us to someday have the house in the country with room for horses that he knows I want to experience at some point.

    Anyway, he feels that most people are so accepting of their spouse's lifelong dedication to horses and riding and are also this interested in becoming educated and involved in it...but I don't think that's necessarily true. So what have your experiences (good and bad) been with finding someone who's accepting of the lifestyle that comes with riding and having horses? Are they at all interested in wanting to learn about the horsey lifestyle? Do they ever get involved and come out to the barn? Help out? Or do they just make it to a show here and there and pretty much only stick to their own hobbies?

    PS. He's admitted to having made an account on here so he can learn more about horses (so he knows of my slight addiction to CoTH...). Needless to say, he's definitely come to the dark side...
    Originally posted by RugBug
    Don't throw away opportunities because they aren't coming in exactly the form you want them to.

  • #2
    It all depends on the horse owner if it's going to work or not.

    Mrs. Trakehner knows she'll always come first before my horses. If it was between her comfort and safety or the horses, she'd win. If I have a show or something horsey I want to do, I'll talk to her and let her know and find out if there was something she wanted to do with me along. Luckily, she's low maintenance and is capable of doing stuff with friends or by herself (e.g. I hate to go to the Kennedy Center for concerts and don't enjoy movies at the theatre)...but if she asked me to go, I would.

    If you treat your SO well, and they feel you value them and know how they rate, you really have a chance to make it work. If you're a partner, you'll have a greater chance to be happy.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

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    • #3
      Too good to be true.

      Comment


      • #4
        My hubby was not a horse person at all when we first met, he's also the complete opposite of me. I'm outgoing, loud, and all the fun things inbetween, He's as shy as can be and a complete pushover lol. He was always supportive of me and my lifestyle and even now 10 years together, 8 of that married, he does so much for the zoo that we have here and rarely complains. Quite often I catch him hanging around with our horses So yes, there are men out there like that... don't let him go! lol
        The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

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        • #5
          My DH of 21 years shows as much interest in the horses as I do in hunting. He delights in the excuse to often use his handyman skills to enable my addiction (fixing things, building new things, etc) so in that respect he deserves a great deal of credit for making it possible to have my ponies at home. In a pinch he knows how to feed, check the water, blanket, do fly masks, fly spray, and I'm pretty sure he can handle picking out feet. So he's not completely lost in the barn.

          When we moved here several years ago, he liked the fact that we didn't have to trailer to get to nice trails and got it in his head that now he would learn to ride. That lasted one year and about 5 rides. That's OK, I've been on exactly one deer hunt and one pheasant hunt. Fishing I did lose count but probably less than ten times.

          Whatever works for the couple - if your SO is doing this because he is truly interested than he sounds like a keeper! Even if he is only doing all the horsie stuff to try and understand your passion, that is still a big plus in my book. Make sure you are returning the interest in whatever he likes, and not making the relationship all about you (not saying you are, just saying don't let that happen)

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          • #6
            My DH and I dated for four years, before we got married (which will be 32 years in December. Holy Cow! That totals 36 years! ). By the time that we said our, "I, do's", he knew into what he was getting. He was used to seeing me without makeup, my hair in braids and smelling like a horse.

            Several years ago, right about the time that he was thinking about retiring from the FBI, he expressed an interest in going to events and grooming for me. He was my videographer/photographer, so was already at the shows doing that.

            He has turned into a wonderful groom, as well as being the best photographer/videographer around. He, like your SO, wanted to learn how to help me braid, tack up, cool down and take Tess for walks. Since I am mechanically challenged, he is in charge of getting the time set on my big yellow watch, too.

            OP,

            You are blessed to have found one of the good ones. These guys do not come along very often. Treat him well. Remember that he should go enjoy the things that he that he likes to do, too. My DH is getting ready to go on a three week, 24,000 ft. mountain climb in Argentina. I have absolutely no desire to go with him, because I am afraid of heights. He is OK with this. In fact, he is probably quite happy to get a three week vacation away from me!
            When in Doubt, let your horse do the Thinking!

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            • #7
              Mr. Bopper gets it, may not completely relate to it, but definitely gets it. But he also has his own interests so that helps. If I want to go to a horsey event or just go riding with friends he is supportive. If he wants to go hunting or to an event that interests him, then I am supportive. He helps not only with the horses when I need it (which I don't ask for help often) but loves to do projects and helps me fix the fence, fix stalls, maintain pastures, etc.

              I think it comes down to respect with give and take in a relationship.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Bopper View Post
                Mr. Bopper gets it, may not completely relate to it, but definitely gets it. But he also has his own interests so that helps. If I want to go to a horsey event or just go riding with friends he is supportive. If he wants to go hunting or to an event that interests him, then I am supportive. He helps not only with the horses when I need it (which I don't ask for help often) but loves to do projects and helps me fix the fence, fix stalls, maintain pastures, etc.

                I think it comes down to respect with give and take in a relationship.
                Mr P and I have been married for 42 years and we do the same. ATM he's out playing golf. I am considering riding but it's cold....yes I know it's going to get colder. If he gets home before I have finished evening chores for 12 horses he will pitch in.
                I wasn't always a Smurf
                Penmerryl Sophie RIDSH
                "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
                The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.

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                • Original Poster

                  #9
                  Thanks Auburn and congrats on nearly 36 years with your DH! I try to learn about my SO's hobbies as well (guitar, etc.) and then we have hobbies that we've both always had such as hiking. So we both try to learn about what the other likes but in the case of the horses, this is all him--wanting to learn more and help out. I haven't asked for him to do any of it as I knew that would only end badly!


                  Originally posted by Auburn View Post
                  You are blessed to have found one of the good ones. These guys do not come along very often. Treat him well. Remember that he should go enjoy the things that he that he likes to do, too. My DH is getting ready to go on a three week, 24,000 ft. mountain climb in Argentina. I have absolutely no desire to go with him, because I am afraid of heights. He is OK with this. In fact, he is probably quite happy to get a three week vacation away from me!
                  Originally posted by RugBug
                  Don't throw away opportunities because they aren't coming in exactly the form you want them to.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I guess I'll take a kinda opposite view. My horse time is for me. It's my escape, my retreat, my time to recharge. Do I want someone to appreciate that? You betcha. I hope he'll come out with me occasionally or go to a show or two. But, do I want him underfoot every time I go to the barn or constantly around? Absolutely not. I dated someone in college who liked the barn so much that I couldn't have any Jen-time and that was a huge problem.

                    That ^^ may have been poorly stated, but what I was trying to get at was appreciation/acceptance/tolerance but not over-crowding.
                    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

                    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm more like Jen-s, I like to go to the barn to spend time with the horses and myself. It's my therapy time and while I enjoy having SO come out with me on occasion he doesn't ride and it's often more stressful for me to spend my time teaching and explaining everything to him. He 100% supports my hobby and didn't bat an eye when I brought home a second horse 2 months ago on short notice (he did know ahead of time but left the decision up to me entirely). He's very understanding of me spending hours at a time at the barn because he knows it makes me happy.

                      I love him to death and he supports me and the horses and "gets it", but I don't know if I would like to have him around at the barn all the time. That's "my" time.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        My husband has moved out entire family to get us where the horses are at home (oh, and we're closer to my mom), so I'd say he is a keeper. He isn't into the horses, doesn't ride, will feed if I am gone or something but he definitely isn't horsey. That's good enough for me. He doesn't complain about all the time I am riding or camping, or the money I spent on a trailer, or that sort of thing. Of course, I also don't complain about poker games and four-wheeling. I sometimes wish he'd ride, but at his size (6'6", 280 lbs), it's not like finding him a horse is a piece of cake. We have two sons, and one is my riding companion, so that's good enough for me.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Well we've been married for 35 years and have what I've described as a mutual "stand still" agreement re our respective hobbies/ obsessions. I don't have to pretend to be interested in golf and he doesn't have to pretend to be interested in horses. And neither complains about the expense or time devoted to our respective sports. Now we're both retired and happy to spend the better part of the day pursuing said hobbies. Happily this works for us. We do take one big vacation a year which by mutual agreement is a "no horse no golf" break.

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                          • #14
                            It is a mixed bag of emotions for me.

                            I made myself 'make' time to get my horses back under my own control by taking up dressage...b/c what had been mine, forever, for the first 29 years of my life...had become... ours from 29-40 or so. In that time, he got his first horse, became a fairly competent trail rider, and I spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time explaining, answering, fixing, answering, fixing, answering. He loves horses. He likes to spend time with them, and he likes riding and enjoying a cold beer. And that's fine, truly, fine. He rides, we work on the horse stuff together, but he's a guy with a horse, where I'm a horsewoman, I like to train, take lessons, study...so we have very different takes on the whole hobby. So when he has a problem, he has few tools in his toolkit to fix it. So I get horses with holes to fill. It can get old.

                            We make it work, but yeah- there are days I'm tickled that he rides, there are days I pray he would take up golf

                            You need "YOU" time- dating is one thing. Marriage is a whole nuther kettle o' kray.

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                            • #15
                              My SO has been truly wonderful with my horses. He loves my WB, and likes to give all the horses at the barn chewy Sweetarts. Today, he set up a whole course for me and then mucked the paddock while a friend and I rode. I loff him.
                              "A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart, and wins with his character." - Tesio

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                I follow Jen-s' philosophy. My husband is supportive both emotionally and financially but does not participate and I am content with that. I share my horse world with my daughter.

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  My SO is my best friend and I enjoy his company. But I would not enjoy his company at the barn. And he's happy to stay home

                                  At the same time, he is very supportive of my "hobby" and would never consider making me feel guilty for the time I spend with my horse.
                                  Barn rat for life

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Sometimes the person in your life is truly happy you have your "own thing" to do. Sometimes they want to share with you and sometimes not. If they have their "own thing" to do - it should work both ways.

                                    I just don't get why the "thumbs down" happening on this post.

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #19
                                      I agree, Shine, that one needs their own thing to do. I don't think he'll ever take over "my" barn time. I'm more than happy to share my life of horses with him and to teach him about them but he has his own hobbies, too.

                                      Originally posted by Shine View Post
                                      Sometimes the person in your life is truly happy you have your "own thing" to do. Sometimes they want to share with you and sometimes not. If they have their "own thing" to do - it should work both ways.
                                      Originally posted by RugBug
                                      Don't throw away opportunities because they aren't coming in exactly the form you want them to.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        To add to what katarine wrote---I think it's very important that if your boyfriend/husband wants to ride (but isn't truly into horses in quite the same way) you MUST find a horse you can trust with him. Otherwise you get really sick of having to work on his horse's issues and listening to him complain. A friend and I always say, "I can only ride one horse at a time!"

                                        In fact she bought a greenish horse from a friend for her green boyfriend (we all knew it wasn't the best idea). The two did okay together but there are just some issues they can't work through, and she does not have the time to do it for him, and she worries. Last weekend she found a very broke, laid back trail horse that he will hopefully also like. I think the thought of being able to ride and not worry about them has lifted a huge weight off her shoulders.

                                        I was ready to kill my DH until he found his current horse. I don't have to do any traning for him; she is good enough and if he doesn't like something he needs to work on it himself. However, it's up to me to figure out saddle fit issues, nutrition issues, other health issues, etc, and to keep on top of the deworming, vaccinations, calling of the farrier, etc.

                                        He helps with chores when I request it, otherwise I do the majority, and I have a teenage son that helps, and also rides. DH also helps get hay, and built our run-in, hay storage, and fencing, and maintains it all. So I won't complain about doing all the other stuff that I do.

                                        He doesn't ride as often as I do, which works out great. I like the me time as well. We have gone to SD for horse-riding vacations twice now and he loves doing that. He took lessons the last 2 winters with me, probably won't this year, which is fine. We seem to have found a nice balance.

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