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Fell off my horse, went to get Xrays, then found another surprise...

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  • #41
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Are you planning to tell the father? The reason I ask is his consent could be a huge issue for any adoption. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Excellent point. A neighbor of mine just lost a custody battle for her two and a half year old adopted son to the biological father. He didn't know about the baby. When he found out, he came after the adoptive family legally and took the child back. It was horrible. Make sure you know state laws. Planned Parenthood can guide you through that (that is of course if you choose the adoption route).

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    • #42
      The classic response to the father problem is simply to say that you don't know who the father might be. Okay, it may make you look bad, but it's worth it not to have to deal with creeps.

      Been done that way for eons. If you want to give the baby up for adoption--i.e., you don't ever expect it to require support, then the father line on the birth certificate can be left blank.
      "I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay."
      Thread killer Extraordinaire

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      • #43
        I'm seconding MandyVA's comments vis-a-vis adoption. Even if the father is a total loser and someone you don't want in your life, he still has parental rights under U.S. law. You need to understand how your state laws apply to your situation.

        I'm sure most of us can recall some of those awful adoption stories where parental rights weren't terminated and the child is taken back several years later. It's just heartbreaking for the child, the adoptive parents, and even the birth parents. I do not recommend lying about the birth father in the adoption process. That can come back to harm the child. If you go the adoption route, make sure it is done legally so that the child can stay with his/her adoptive parents.
        Where Fjeral Norwegian Fjords Rule
        http://www.ironwood-farm.com

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        • #44
          [QUOTE
          I may get flamed for this, but I would think long and hard about letting many people know who the "father" is. He donated some sperm, that is all. If the guy finds out he's a dad, its going to put him back in your life permanently.

          Best of luck with your decisions![/QUOTE]

          Problem is, in some/most(?) states, you are required to inform the father of the child before you can legally adopt out the child.
          Tara


          A horse already knows how to be a horse;
          The rider has to learn how to become a rider.
          A horse without a rider is still a horse;
          A rider without a horse is no longer a rider.

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          • #45
            I will pray for you, that everything turns out for the best no matter what your decision may be. God be with you.

            I could not have handled a child at your age. I cannot imagine giving up the child I have now, though. Seek counseling, through your church if possible.

            Get a lawyer to deal with the child's biological father. Your fiance and parents will struggle with this situation, but you will find out how strong your relationship with your fiance is.

            Best wishes!
            Man plans. God laughs.

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            • #46
              Hey Flash...just a heads up but some of us go to synagogues, mosques etc. Don't ASSUME the whole BB is Christian.

              Edited to add that I'm thinking of you and your baby, and I know you will make whatever is the right choice for you and your fiance! Hang in there!
              Can you stress-fracture your brain?

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              • #47
                To the OP... my thoughts are with you. I can't offer much more than that, but hope you figure out a solution that is best for you and for the child too
                "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

                My CANTER blog.

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                • Original Poster
                  #48
                  Thank you everyone for the support and thoughts. You all have provided me with a lot to think about. It seems like there's so much that I need to know, and very little time to learn and find out about it. Tommorrow morning, I have a dr. appt where I will discuss whats going to happen and basically learn about everything. Right now I feel my biggest task is talking to my mother about it. She took my whole relationship with the sperm doner hard, she saw the misery I went thorough. I feel so overwhelmed!
                  I know the last thing I should do is ride, but honestly right now if I could, I would. I will ask the Dr. tommorrow if it will be OK to be around my horse and at least groom him and pat him.
                  Today I feel like I have been so unproductive. I've just been reading various things on the computer and doing research. I just am at a loss at what's going on.

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                  • #49
                    Your mother will very likely surprise you. She, I am certain, has your best interest at heart and will stand by you. Mothers are like bears. They protect their young. No matter what, you're still her baby and I am positive she'll help you through. Take this one step at a time. You may not have much time but you do have some time. My thoughts are with you.

                    http://community.webshots.com/user/ballyduff
                    \"If you are going through hell, keep going.\" ~Churchill~

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                    • #50
                      First of all take a deep breath. Second, please don't flame me for this but doctors can be wrong about how far along you are. But before you put the child up for adoption think about a paternity test to make sure that the "jerk" is the really father? Maybe the father is really your fiance (if your luckly!!) Just a thought.
                      "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined"

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                      • #51
                        You have had so much thrown at you in such a short time, no wonder you are overwhelmed and still in shock. You still have a little time, maybe just try to relax until after you speak with the dr. again. And Quinn is 100% right about mothers, I'm sure yours will be very supportive. Plus you have lots of friends on this BB too.

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                        • #52
                          We all make mistakes; sadly, your's had a shocking consequence - for which I am so very sorry. I'm also hopeful that your mother recognizes that there isn't any blame to be assigned here. She may be shocked and angry at first - but she'll probably come around to this realization.

                          Yes, you should do what's best for the baby - but don't forget yourself in the equation. What can you live with?

                          I'm sending you best wishes and hoping this all works out for the (reasonably) best.

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                          • #53
                            I'll probably shock some folks on this BB - but my advice is don't inform the father. It's just going to complicate things for you and your family. If he's in the military, the Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act is going to make it super hard, if not impossible to do anything with the baby until he can make it back into the country and provided an attorney.

                            The kid will be in college before all that mess is sorted out. Plus, if this person is horrible - do you want him in your life - FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - anyway? Think of the stress he'll put on you and your new husband. Not good for a new marriage.

                            Either keep the child and raise it as yours and your soon to be husband or give the child up for adoption and leave the father's name off the birth certificate. If you decide to raise it - don't be surprised if your relationship with your fiance changes dramatically or ends entirely.

                            Regardless, the kid is going to have baggage to drag through life - make it as light as possible.

                            Good luck.
                            Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
                            Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
                            -Rudyard Kipling

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                            • #54
                              What mother wouldn't be happy to know there is a grandchild on the way? I think the biggest problem with your mom may be that she won't want you to put the baby up for adoption. I wouldn't. Quite possibly your fiancee won't either. No one should hold the father against the child. It is a child of God. WHat a happy surprise. It will only make your life richer. GOod luck.

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                              • #55
                                Leaving his name off the birth certificate is one thing, but I don't recommend perjuring yourself by lying to the judge about who the father is should you pursue adoption. And one other thing to consider about not informing the father, as petty as this will sound, is money. Unless you pursue terminating his parental rights through adoption, he has a legal obligation to financially support the baby, and while that may not seem important right now, it is also not fair to your fiance to decline any financial contribution from the father.

                                I'm a little surprised that so many people advocate not telling the father. Perhaps we need more of the guys to weigh in on that? Where is Trakehner to make his usual spiel about "men are victims too"?

                                I too am curious now about the accuracy of the due date and the certainty that your fiance is not the father. Are you saying you are engaged to a man you have been dating for less than 6 months? Not saying that's a bad thing...just makes me wonder if it's possible that it is his baby. Also you said he was by your side through the unpleasantries surrounding your breakup with the father. Was there any, um, overlap? Are you sure about who the father is?
                                \"Non-violence never solved anything.\" C. Montgomery Burns

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                                • #56
                                  To the Original Poster:

                                  I am 20 years old myself and I know that I am in *no* place for a child. Although I am not in your situation, as a 20yr old I can understand where you are coming from a little.

                                  I have no words of wisdom to offer you except do what is best for you and your child. As stated earlier in this thread:

                                  1)Find a good doctor. Discuss all of your options.

                                  2)Consider finding counseling or a support group. Through a religious institution or private orginazation. There are many others that have gone through what you are going through. It may be beneficial to talk and relate to these people. A private counselour may be an option for you as well.

                                  3)DOn't panic. Life is full of suprises. Slow things down and really spend some time thinking about what your options are that you discuss with a licensed professional (doctor, psychologist).

                                  Hang in there. It won't be easy, but you will learn so much in this process. As for the old boyfriend, I would definetely contact a lawyer, preferrably one that specializes in parent's rights or children custody law. Do your research. As stated, laws vary from state to state. IMHO, I would NOT contact this old boyfriend until you have seen a doctor, couselour, and lawyer.

                                  Good Luck. Your in my thoughts.

                                  EDIT**
                                  I think that MandyVA makes a good point. If it's not certain that the old boyfriend is the father perhaps a paternity test with the fiance when the baby is born would be less complicated then contacting the old boyfriend first. Although, it must be nerve-racking not to know! Oye...

                                  -Lara

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                                  • #57
                                    I want to add one thing:

                                    Even if you are feeling that you want to keep this baby, but your fiance is uncomfortable with it, go with your gut.

                                    If you and your fiance end over this, it means you and he weren't meant to be, and you will find someone who will love you AND the baby should you keep this baby in your life.

                                    A child, IMO, replaces all other love in this world, there is nothing stronger.

                                    Like I said earlier, persue all options, I just wanted to add this little piece in.

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                                    • #58
                                      I haven't read all the posts here but having had three babies I find it almost inconceivable (sorry, bad pun, unintentional) that anyone could be eight-plus months pregnant and not suspect something was amiss.
                                      "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." ~ Jack Layton

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                                      • #59
                                        I have three children and I am only 25. I also run a business and have eight horses at home. So I don't think having one child is an end all. However, you need to think long and hard what you can handle. As to telling the birth father, each state is different. You could always just state that you are unsure of parentage.

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                                        • #60
                                          Best of luck. You are in my thoughts (and prayers, if that's okay with you ).
                                          Chronicles of the $700 Pony
                                          The Further Adventures of the $700 Pony
                                          www.blithetraveler.com <-- My Blog

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