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I had it...then lost it.

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  • I had it...then lost it.

    The perfect job. At a beautiful breeding farm, housing, good pay, (more than I make now) benefits, ins, vacation, you name it. There it was...mine for the taking. I took it. Then let it go. Why? Guilt...Mom...ugh. I happen to be in Calif, it was in Virginia. They flew me out, I worked for a day, was offered MY DREAM JOB! My Mom who was all for it in the beginning, suddenly did an about face. All the responsabilites I was leaving her with came up, what if something happens, you can't just drive over, etc... Mom is 76, German, and quite set in her ways. Her and my dad (passed away 4 yrs ago) have never liked change. They have lived in the same town for my whole (40 something ) life. I am an only child. She did say something that did make me wonder, she asked if it was different for bigger families. This choked me up a bit. So here I am, with my old job,in my old town, kicking myself. I am tempted to see if the job is still open. Just looking for some empathy, therapy, solutions, whatever....

  • #2
    Okay, did you say you were 40 years old?? If they are in good health overall, you better see about the job. Seems to me, you're thinking of her but she's not thinking of you. Besides, if something bad happens to them, hop a plane and go back to deal with it.

    Maybe I'm a tough nut on this but criminy, you have a life too. (I also have something similar in my fam with a cousin and auntie/unc, same thing I said to my cousin)
    GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!

    Comment


    • #3
      life is very short. both for us and those we love. i sometimes think about the times in my life when i could of been with my mom but instead went off and did my thing. now that she is gone i really miss her. i dont regret anything, but i do wish i had spent more time with her.

      becuae of how i feel i am spending more time with my elderly dad.

      while i want to say "its your life do as you please" you need to think about what is really most important to you.....

      and if your mum is a young 76 she will be ok if you work out of state for a year? my mom did fine until she was about 80....

      just some random thoughts....

      Comment


      • #4
        Take the job! You need to live your life. Don't let anyone hold you back.

        Surely, she could look at moving closer to you so that you could have your dream job AND be able to spend more time with her?

        I think this is what happens when people have children so that there is "someone to take care of them when they're old".
        Jigga:
        Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**

        Comment


        • #5


          Didn't you...

          You did....

          and then you did what?!

          When Mom is really old there is always time to move back home.

          You will regret it if you don't!

          Mom will be fine. You are just a short plane ride away.

          I am 44, I live a CONTINENT away from my mom.
          She is fine with it, has been for 20 years, is still even though things have changed at home.
          And by now I AM the only child....
          Originally posted by BigMama1
          Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
          GNU Terry Prachett

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          • #6
            Wow. Just...wow.
            COTH's official mini-donk enabler

            "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

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            • #7
              I understand your sentiment. My Dad is recently widowed and it was HARD for me to move far away. He's lonely and I feel somewhat responsible for his well being. :/
              Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
              My equine soulmate
              Mischief Managed (Tully)- JC Priceless Jewel 2002 TB Gelding

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              • #8
                Originally posted by goneriding24 View Post
                Okay, did you say you were 40 years old?? If they are in good health overall, you better see about the job. Seems to me, you're thinking of her but she's not thinking of you. Besides, if something bad happens to them, hop a plane and go back to deal with it.
                I agree. I happen to live with my parents at the moment because my mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years back and was having a hard time with it and they weren't sure what the treatment was going to be and so I have put off some 'me' things to be here with her and help out. However now things seem like they're as settled as they're likely to get and I'm starting to think about what I want to do with myself because I can't just hang around helping her out forever, you know?

                My mom has anxiety issues a mile wide, so I'm sure it'll be tough if I move far away, but I figure I'll do things to help with that - possibly plan a trip back at a specific time not too far in the future, or put some money aside/get a credit card specifically for buying plane tickets in an emergency.

                But if you're not happy where you are, you need to change things. If moving across the country is too big of a change, then figure things out that are less dramatic changes that will make you happier, even if they aren't the ideal. Life is too short to be miserable.

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                • Original Poster

                  #9
                  You all are killing me... I am all she has, and I guess that makes me think twice. She would be helping me move my 2 horses back there, it is expensive. So that gets held over my head too. When my dad was alive, I was the go to girl. I was always there, helped them out with whatever they needed. When he passed away, I didn't really spend time with Mom. So now I feel that I need to make up? But I have for the past couple of yrs. Oh geez. Sorry to be such a downer. If only this job was a few states closer I don't think I would have an issue. I had my doubts a few days ago, but today I really wanted to go. Felt like just loading the ponies in my own trailer and just do it myself. Now I kind of feel defeated in a way. My parents made my life easy, supporting me financially along the way. That too gets held over me. Am I just a glutton for punishment? I carry guilt quite easily.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by saultgirl View Post
                    Take the job! You need to live your life. Don't let anyone hold you back.
                    said like someone who has never lost someone they love.....

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I hear you Runwayz. Everyone relates to their parent differently, and an only child has a very unique relationship to their parent. I will not tell you you are foolish--you decided to choose family over self. You know what? Your "dream job" will be there, somewhere, sometime, but your mom? She won't be. Uprooting and elderly parent who is routine-bound is nearly impossible and would destroy her, is my guess. How do I know? I have an elderly mom (83) in poor health, and despite having other siblings/nephews in the area, I am the primary caretaker for her. I find it difficult to go to a more than 2 day horse show--god forbid I leave the area on vacation!

                      I'm sorry you missed out on the opportunity, though. Sounds amazing.
                      Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        #12
                        Yes it was amazing, almost too good to be true! But I will continue on my search, perhaps a bit closer to home.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I think it is a cultural thing. I have a friend here in the states who is German as well as an only child. Her mom is still in Germany and her dad passed away several years ago, and she has no other relatives. Her mom guilts her into coming home a few times a year, even though my friend is working on her PhD and doesn't really have the time.

                          Life is short, see if you can get that dream job back. Maybe you can find a way to have your mom live near you, but don't give up a dream because you feel guilty.

                          Your mom not liking change is no reason for you to give up something you want, especially at your age.

                          I gave up getting my masters degree when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I don't regret it because it enabled me to spend more time with her. I never told my mom that because she would have felt horrible.

                          Is there any way you could explain your situation to the employers and see if there is something that could be worked out? It sounds like they liked you quite a bit.
                          Last edited by jenm; Sep. 8, 2012, 12:39 AM. Reason: added info
                          Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
                          http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e350/Jen4USC/fave.jpg
                          http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e3...SC/running.jpg

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                          • #14
                            There you go! Stay positive. Maybe look for a senior program for your mom to hook up with, (church? community center?) to help her create a bigger social grouping or others to rely on. Is she still in her own home? Is it time to think about an assisted living center? If you can find ways for your mom to be less dependent on you, you can spread you own wings. Good luck. Sounds like you need a good shot of positive energy!!
                            Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              runwayz, I think part of what landed you the job in the first place is your sense of responsibility and loyalty. Surely there will be other dream jobs that will be close enough to home where you can feel comfortable knowing you will be close enough to your mom should she need you.

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Originally posted by runwayz View Post
                                You all are killing me... I am all she has, and I guess that makes me think twice. She would be helping me move my 2 horses back there, it is expensive. So that gets held over my head too. When my dad was alive, I was the go to girl. I was always there, helped them out with whatever they needed. When he passed away, I didn't really spend time with Mom. So now I feel that I need to make up? But I have for the past couple of yrs. Oh geez. Sorry to be such a downer. If only this job was a few states closer I don't think I would have an issue. I had my doubts a few days ago, but today I really wanted to go. Felt like just loading the ponies in my own trailer and just do it myself. Now I kind of feel defeated in a way. My parents made my life easy, supporting me financially along the way. That too gets held over me. Am I just a glutton for punishment? I carry guilt quite easily.
                                My friend is quite similar with the guilt problem. (It's kind of frustrating because it's keeping her in an area where she can't get a really good job, but she doesn't feel she can move away even a state or two. So as a friend you see her being unhappy and there's nothing you can do.)

                                I think what you need to do since you know that this dream job is not something you'd be able to do - if you went you'd probably just feel bad about having gone and second guess being there - is decide on some other concrete change you can make right now. "Okay, I am not doing that, but I am going to do this, which will hopefully get me closer to something like that in the near future."

                                It can be something as simple as contacting X people a week about a job like the one you want, or trying to help your mom find a larger social network as suggested, or... Just look at where you are now and what you'd like to see change and pick one thing, even if it's a little thing, to start with. It will likely help because you can say 'I'm still making progress, I'm not stagnating.'

                                Does that make sense?

                                Comment

                                • Original Poster

                                  #17
                                  Alterhorse, that is kind of how I feel. Calvin, she has some great friends, goes to the senior center, is quite active and takes my old dog on 3 walks a day! She has her own home, and is financially very good thanks to my dads pension that she still gets. So all in all, she is doing great! BUT...if something was to happen to her or my old dog (who would stay with her) I can't just drive right over. Money wise, she was going to help me get back there. Funny thing is she was all for it, then just stopped. All of a sudden she realized how far away it was! Lol. She moved here from Germany with my dad, has a sister there who lives alone too. Amazing how when I said yes, all of a sudden I think it sank in for her. I kind of feel that she got her way though and I am stuck here in a lower paying job, no ins, no vacation pay, nothing. Oy vay. Everyone here was shocked and bummed I didnt do it.

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    I have been this very same path, with the same family dynamic, albeit at a far earlier age. Yes, she got her way, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. With some compromise, this can be worked out to a better conclusion.

                                    Instead of settling for a life as being a stand-in for my father's presence to keep my mother happy and secure after he passed, I axed the job prospects I was involved in in Florida, California and Colorado, and moved to a town in Connecticut--far enough so she would have to live her own life, but close enough so I could have my own life and still commute in to see her. And even that short distance sent her right over the edge. But it worked.

                                    You are looking at someone who is 76 and could be here another 20 years or so. My mother was 58 and thinking I would give up my dreams of a good career and stay with her, doing the things my father had done for her and taking care of her each and every day until she died. She has a dependent personality and always needs someone there for every step in life she takes. In her family, they go into their late 90's. I was 28 and on my way to a good career. Sorry, I wasn't sacrificing my dreams live down the street and become my father's stand-in for her for the rest of her life. She is now 85, recently placed in a nursing home, and I do a lot of commuting. But I took the chance I wanted to have to carve out a life for myself and am glad I did it.

                                    If you are not going to see if you can fish this job back out of the bin, then I would strongly advise you to start looking into alternatives you can do so things can be better for you so resentment and bitterness don't take hold. Perhaps look at the map and figure out a commuting distance that would be comfortable for your relationship to weather, then target some jobs or career moves within that distance. If you need to, move to another town just to put in some distance. Perhaps some of what she can't do herself she can hire out for. And you'll have a life. JMO.
                                    Last edited by Chief2; Sep. 8, 2012, 03:12 AM.
                                    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein

                                    http://s1098.photobucket.com/albums/...2011%20Photos/

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                                    • #19
                                      All I really have is empathy, no good answers. You have to find them yourself, just as I had to/have to do the same.

                                      In 1999, I moved out of state, 2000 miles away, leaving parents who were healthy and happy albeit elderly. My mom was resigned to my departure; my dad seemed to be actually interested in and proud of my striking out (I was almost 40, but my family doesn't really leave the general area!). I had a few good fun years and then my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was dead within 3 months.

                                      In some ways I've been in a tailspin ever since. I moved even further away for a job, and launched into a bigger horse hobby. And feel guilty about it at least 50% of the time. My sisters have borne the brunt of my mother's care, and they are considerably older than I. I want to go back/I don't want to go back/I want to go back... you get the picture.

                                      Do what will make you feel the best about yourself. And try not to regret what you are or are not doing. It isn't easy.
                                      Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your very best when things are worst.
                                      Starman

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                                      • #20
                                        I have no good answers either. I know what I'd do, but I'm not you.

                                        But you have to take a hard look at the future and decide what you're going to do if your mom needs more care. The way you keep saying that various things get "held over your head", I read as she's actively guilting you, not just that you yourself feel that you owe her for the financial support.

                                        She's 76. What if in a few years she ends up requiring more care? Is her intent that you move in with her (or she with you) and provide this? That in itself can end up being a full-time job, and depending on the exact needs/circumstances may not be feasible for a single person, when it could be workable for a larger family.

                                        She's 76 and healthy, and you don't want to move away. What about when she's 78 and less healthy? Is your intention to always be on hand for her?

                                        Because of the family dynamics you have to think about this. About what's fair to you and to her. She could live to 82, or she could live another 15 years, requiring various levels of care as she ages - what is to be your role in that?
                                        Proud Member Of The Lady Mafia

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