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Uh-Oh....my bf asked THE QUESTION

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  • Uh-Oh....my bf asked THE QUESTION

    Not the one with the ring! The every girls worst nightmare.....to quote him

    "if you had to chose between getting married, having children etc and having no horses, or having horses and being alone for ever...what would you choose"

    followed by....

    "i know how much your horses mean to you..but sometimes i actually question wether they mean more to you than people"

    The truth is, I think would rather be alone and have my horses than have a family with no horses. I know its just hypothetical, but what the hell do I say to that. What would you say?
    Boss Mare Eventing Blog
    https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

  • #2
    The truth.
    Quality doesn\'t cost it pays.

    Comment


    • #3
      that sounds like an ultimatum.... or the beginnings..how long have you been together?
      ~Proud founder of the "Addicted to Lessons" clique~
      ~Ribbon Ho~

      Comment


      • #4
        False Dilemma

        I'd tell him his question led to a false dilemma. It is possible to be happily married and also have horses, maybe just not with him : )

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          #5
          I said "generally speaking I would rather be alone than not be able to have horses and ride"

          he said "thats not normal..to chose a horse over having your own familly"

          I said "maybe it's not normal for you. But a lot of people follow their passion, having your own family isnt as important to some people as it to others. It doesnt mean it isnt normal, its just not you"

          then he said "yeh but to put animals before human beings..how can you say that is normal"

          ughhhhhhhh. I fear where this is headed


          We've been together for 5 months...
          Boss Mare Eventing Blog
          https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Jealoushe View Post
            Not the one with the ring! The every girls worst nightmare.....to quote him

            "if you had to chose between getting married, having children etc and having no horses, or having horses and being alone for ever...what would you choose"
            Being alone forever??? I would be pretty pi$$ed at the implication that if you don't choose him without the horses, you would be alone forever...
            Last edited by tikidoc; Aug. 26, 2008, 12:27 PM. Reason: fix typo

            Comment

            • Original Poster

              #7
              Ya I think it was just hypothetical.......or so he says
              Boss Mare Eventing Blog
              https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

              Comment


              • #8
                I would say time to move on. My husband of 15 years will rarely pull the 'that damn horse means more to you than me', but he knows the response to that will just make him more upset so he only says it when he's already heading there. It really isn't true, he means more to me, so does my son. They both realize though, that I'm no good to them or anyone else without my horse.
                Don't toy with the dragon, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Ding ding ding -- the 'normal' word. Fear it. It is a sign of someone who wants to tell you how and who you should be. Since when is 'normal' a good arbiter of how one should live?

                  Controllers are a bad idea, whether they like your pony or not.

                  Tell him you are like Popeye. ("I yam what I yam.") You are who you are, with the values you have and the life you are living, and that if he doesn't like that, or thinks that you will outgrow it, he is sorely mistaken.

                  I am really glad that I was already riding and spending a lot of time at the barn when I met my honey, because that way, while he is not a giant fan of the time and money cost of this hobby, he knows what the score is, and doesn't expect me to give it up.
                  I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
                  I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sounds like to me he's looking for an excuse to exit stage right.

                    Nip this in the bud now....if he wants to be with you he has to accept the fact that hroses are a part of YOU and always will be. That doesnt mean you dont love him any less or that you can not have a family AND horses.

                    If he's not willing to accept that, he's gone, period.

                    Yes, horses take a lot of our time and we have a strange passion for them, but that does not mean you are not normal or that you can not have a family, kids, job, boyfriend, whatever.

                    How closeminded of him to even think that.
                    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
                    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
                    Green Alligator "Captain"

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think this is time to establish boundaries. And it is time to ditch this guy, 5 months is not long enough to have been together, for him to resent your horses this way. Tell him that horses were there long before him and will be there long after he is gone, he knew that dating you and if he doesn't like it show him the door. Also point out you can do more than one thing and make it work. After all unless he expects you to stay home and be barefoot and pregnant why would you not be able to make it work?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Look at it this way; at least he gave you fair warning of what was to come if he DIDN'T ask. Now you know, and don't assume differently. Men don't usually bring these things up on their own unless it's really been given some thought by them, and it's bugging them.

                        So, you need to have a big sitdown with him, if you are that serious about him. Tell him what you need him to hear (along with the great part above that said that just because HE doesn't want you to have horses that another man WON'T let you, either-not alone forever just because HE'S not around). Then tell him that this situation has come up alot among other horsewomen and turned out very ugly. If he's serious there must be a pre-nup that explains that horses will be a part of your life and he can't claim later he didn't know this

                        I'm not seeing alot of positive out of this, but you need to do it now, so neither of you are dwelling on it, while it's still fresh. And if you must move on, so be it. Better now than later.
                        "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Jealoushe View Post
                          I said "generally speaking I would rather be alone than not be able to have horses and ride"

                          he said "thats not normal..to chose a horse over having your own familly"

                          I said "maybe it's not normal for you. But a lot of people follow their passion, having your own family isnt as important to some people as it to others. It doesnt mean it isnt normal, its just not you"

                          then he said "yeh but to put animals before human beings..how can you say that is normal"

                          ughhhhhhhh. I fear where this is headed


                          We've been together for 5 months...
                          Run for the hills, Sister! If he's already asking you this you're headed down a path that many horsewomen find themselves on - dealing with a jealous-of-the-horses SO. I say get off that train now before you've invested more time in this relationship.

                          And for him to say, "That's not normal to choose horses over a family," is entirely unfair. You're not just choosing horses, you're choosing a lifestyle. Just like choosing to have children is a lifestyle. And guess what? You can do/have both. Lots of people do.

                          You're not choosing animals over people - that's absurd. Your horse network can comprise your "family". Not a traditional family but still, it's a family if that's what you choose.

                          I am now engaged but I lived many, many content, fulfilled years with my critters and my horse network...no man. And yes, my fiance knows I'd choose my critters over him and he doesn't take it personally. He knows I love him but I'm not willing to sacrifice who I am for him. I wouldn't be "me" without my riding and my dogs just like he wouldn't be "him" without golf. Yes that's right, he has his own hobbies and interests.

                          You need to find a mate that appreciates that the horses are an integral part of who you are, and who loves you for who you are horses and all.
                          Last edited by AEM74; Aug. 26, 2008, 11:52 AM.
                          "If ever I did not have a horse or dog in my keeping, I should feel I had lost touch with the earth." ~Beryl Markham

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            #14
                            Originally posted by Lori B View Post

                            Controllers are a bad idea, whether they like your pony or not.

                            Tell him you are like Popeye. ("I yam what I yam.") You are who you are, with the values you have and the life you are living, and that if he doesn't like that, or thinks that you will outgrow it, he is sorely mistaken.

                            I seem to say that a lot...hmm
                            Boss Mare Eventing Blog
                            https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Have an Ex-Husband who thought the same thing and asked the same question. Couldn't handle me loving my horses. He never understood he was just as important as the horses but in a different way. He always thought it was him or the horses and wanted me to make a choice Well since he is my EX you can see what I chose.

                              My DH of 6 years does know the difference and encourages me to ride and pursue getting back into horseshowing if that is what I want to do. He even reads, askes me tons of questions, watches horseshows on TV and comes to watch me train my new OTTB so he can learn about my horse world. Evenutally he wants to get his own horse and go riding with me I also support his hobby of woodworking. It is a give and take thing , you support each others passions.

                              Tell the truth, let him know where you stand. If he is a keeper he'll understand the different levels of love and passion and be supportive.

                              It is so wonderful to have a DH that supports the horsey activities and wants to be involved instead of having the horse argument all the time

                              My horsey time is so much more relaxing to me because I know a fight is not waiting for me when I get home. Now I get " hey honey did you have fun at the barn? How are the boys doing?" Big Nice Change

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                that's a warning for you!

                                i've been in a relationship for 8 years and i still hear digs about my horse hobby. it's not a healthy relationship, sadly i speak from experience.
                                i agree w/ those who said establish boundaries. if you're not overly invested in this relationship, maybe it's time to re-evaluate.

                                to me the choice is clear, horses and being single wins over any man who is hinting ultimatums
                                http://www.eponashoe.com/
                                TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Time to find a bf who understands what horses mean to a girl... I don't want kids -- I'd rather have a barn full of horses. Thankfully, my SO understands that

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    You can have a horse and still be normal.

                                    People get so edgy about horses. My SO- he loves going to music festivals and taking photos. He's gone about every other weekend, always going to concerts. His hobby is as time consuming as mine. My brother does ironmans- he's always working out. His hobby consumes time like mine.

                                    It's easiest to find an SO with something time consuming. Then they aren't waiting on you to entertain them. If you quit horses for him- you will be bitter- and I SWEAR that is what happens to some of the crazy pony moms.

                                    My SO resisted my riding for a long time- and I kept to it. And one day he concluded that I always looked so happy on my horse- and what keeps me happy, keeps his life easy.

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      The "right" person would never ask you such a question. Been there done that with a guy that was jealous of the time I spent riding or doing anything else that didn't include him..even when he was busy.

                                      There are other fish in the sea that would understand or at least accept the 'sickness" as i call it.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        I find it amusing that he seems to only see the two options. Family no horses, no family with horses.
                                        In many cases there does not have to be a chose so why only two options?

                                        Silly man did not know what side his bread was buttered on, hu?

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