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Uh-Oh....my bf asked THE QUESTION

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  • #41
    Yup, works both ways, County.
    I was asked this hypothetical and my answer was, 'If I had to choose, then you don't know me very well and it's not a choice, it's part of who I am. If I weren't into horses, it would be skydiving or something. I would be into something like that.' Still married after 14 years too. It took him 10 to get used to the idea. He now has drunk the kool-aid and has a hubby horse.
    Even duct tape can't fix stupid


    • #42
      Never mind a bf, I broke off an engagement three years into a relationship because my fiance mentioned (in passing!) that after we married I'd have to get rid of the horse and my dog. The horse had to go because I "spent too much time at the barn" and the dog "because he sheds".

      I figured that if after three years the guy didn't know just how important my critters were, he didn't know me at all.

      FWIW I kept the dog until he had to be PTS, I still have that horse 15 years later, and I'm married to a wonderful man who never, ever once asked me the question the OP's boyfriend did.


      • #43
        Originally posted by county View Post
        Just curious but what do you ladies think about the same type thing where women get upset with men that hunt, fish, go to ball games etc.? I know lots of ladies that just flip because their boyfreinds and husbands spend money and time on these things.
        They're being just as selfish and controlling.

        I KNEW long before marriage even entered the picture that my husband loves to deer and turkey hunt. Granted, he's not fanatical or ever rude/controlling/selfish about it ("I WILL go huntin' whether you like it or not" would never come out of his mouth) but he does enjoy it very much. It's a passion of his, along with weapons (he collects rifles and firearms).

        I encourage him to pursue his passion. It's relaxing for him. It brings him joy! Just as he knows my passion brings me joy and would never even think of giving me any such ultimatum as the OP's BF did.
        <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.


        • #44
          My dear late husband turned to me thirteen years ago, when I'd been horseless for two years due to a move, and said "Will you do me a favor and buy another horse?"

          That is what you want.

          Don't settle for less.


          • #45
            Johnnysauntie, you're too funny! But that really is a great example. I don't know why people get stuck in the either/or mindset. It's never either/or. Love isn't a limited quantity. It's not boxed up. Doled out in small sips. We're capable of an endless supply. Just because it's being given to your horse, doesn't mean someone else gets shorted. Maybe you need to have a talk with the BF, Jealoushe, and make sure he understands that. And maybe get him to see that mindset isn't conducive to a healthy loving relationship? It's about giving, not about hoarding.
            This it be all wot we want in life, wenn peoples dey loff us. ~ Willem


            • #46
              Originally posted by ToesIn View Post
              I'd tell him his question led to a false dilemma. It is possible to be happily married and also have horses, maybe just not with him : )
              Bold is mine, but I agree profusely.


              • #47
                Originally posted by kahjul View Post
                They both realize though, that I'm no good to them or anyone else without my horse.
                And this, is where the real truth ultimately lies........

                my husband has long realized that he wouldn't want me if I was an unhappy person. And that is exactly what I would be without those 4 legged things out in the barn!
                Oldenburg foals and young prospects
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                • #48
                  Originally posted by gieriscm View Post
                  my fiance mentioned (in passing!) that after we married I'd have to get rid of the horse and my dog.
                  In passing! Lovely! I love those casual comments that prove someone has absolutely no insight.

                  Originally posted by Jealoushe View Post
                  "if you had to chose between getting married, having children etc and having no horses, or having horses and being alone for ever...what would you choose"..."i know how much your horses mean to you..but sometimes i actually question wether they mean more to you than people"
                  Eeerk. I'd tell him passive-aggressive comments like this are the reason why he might be getting a vibe that you like horses more than people. Some people, anyway


                  • #49
                    I had always had BFs that "put up" with the horse thing. But I knew I had the right one this time when we were planning the wedding and my "mr right horse" came along. Hubby- to-be encouraged me to spend the wedding money on the horse.

                    He is a winner and we just took our 10th wedding anniversary in very NON horsey Cancun, Mexico. ( I wasn't even going to try to ask for one of those horsey vacations!)
                    Oldenburg foals and young prospects
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                    • #50
                      Originally posted by county View Post
                      Just curious but what do you ladies think about the same type thing where women get upset with men that hunt, fish, go to ball games etc.? I know lots of ladies that just flip because their boyfreinds and husbands spend money and time on these things.
                      I don't know any that do, not if they are happily married.

                      I dated for a very short while a fellow that had a dream of opening a language academy, with both of us running it (I have a degree in languages, although English was not one of them, obviously ) when my dream was to manage a BNT riding school, although I didn't expect him to help me manage it.

                      I think that for a couple to get along, they have to be agreable to each one doing things on their own at times, that there is room for all in life, not just each other.

                      Depending on how your BF was framing "the" question, it may have meant "I know how important it is to you and it is ok, don't expect any other"...
                      ...or "pay attention to me and what I want, I am #1 and we want to be clear about that!"


                      • #51
                        OP -- ughhhhhhhh. I fear where this is headed...

                        Originally posted by SmartAlex View Post
                        My EX-husband gave me the ultimatum.

                        My current husband understands that horses are part of my passion for life. Not the sole source of my passion for life, there is room for him and some other stuff too. But he understands that keeping that balance takes work, and he is willing to work with me to keep everything running smoothly.
                        I wish that I could give the name of the comedian credit that said this one liner. I love succinct humor that is so spot on!

                        " How come everyone calls them (e)Xs when they should be called Ys?????!! "

                        Are you starting to ask yourself why? already -- or you feel the why coming maybe later?

                        I, too, got divorced b/c my first husband didn't 'get' me. He didn't have to like horses, I just wanted him to be proud of me and share some happiness. I asked him what he would do if a child needed that from him. He said that 'that would be different.' I said nuhuh! The child in all of us is to be cherished. Everyone should have an interest and something that brings joy into their life. I walked away at that point.

                        Now I have successfully raised a family, 3 children, with horses, and a supportive husband who hand built a beautiful barn/outdoor arena for me, and the kids. The greatest moments of all have been those 3 a.m. hours out delivering a foal with all of us out in the stall together or the 6-8 hr long mother/daughter trail rides in the wilderness area, the camping out all week at the county fair. We made a lot of financial sacrifices, but the kids voted one day and they undeniably chose the lifestyle!
                        Don't let anyone tell you that your ideas or dreams are foolish. There is a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.


                        • #52
                          [quote=fourh mom;3474324]Yep. Get on that horse of yours and RUN.{/quote]

                          No, don't run. Talk to him.

                          My hubby asked me the same thing. I got into horses AFTER he married me. They have become and always will be a major part of my life now. He knows that and he's happy with it. He's given me all the parts that I need to be happy (horses, property, truck and trailer, etc.). He knows I love him, but I can love him AND my babies in the back yard.
                          If you cannot set a good example, at least serve as a terrible warning....


                          • #53

                            I don't have a problem with my DH having his hobby. He spends quite a bit of money on wood and the woodworking machines (lathes, planers, saw and the like), plus all the little accessories that go with all that stuff,,,magazines etc, etc.

                            Our bills always get paid somehow and we both cut back if we need to. I can't ask that he support and understand what I enjoy if I don't do the same to him.

                            The only objection I ever had to a so called hobby of his was when he played the online video game Everquest. The hours he spent just sitting in front of the computer screen in a virtual world ( I'm talking 8-10 sometimes more hours at a time) drove me up a wall. No exercise, sitting in a dark room in the middle of summer, one day he figured out that he had spent over one year (by way of the # of hours loged on his character) playing this game to me that is crazy. I told him when he got a real hobby I would support him, to me a hobby involves actually doing something, creating something, getting exercise at least moving around, I also told him I wouldn't be around if he insisted on continuing to live his life in a virtual world. To me the online games and video games in general don't fall under the hobby catagory.

                            But getting back to your question, I don't resent the money or the time he spends doing his woodworking. I try to encourage him to do it more than he does. He is so talented and creative he amazes me all the time, and the things he makes are wonderful, so beautiful.

                            He is not into hunting or ball games.


                            • #54

                              I recently married the guy who was against me selling my horse. After he had to nurse me through a major surgery due to a riding accident and after the horse came up lame, needing thousands of dollars worth of diagnostics and a year of stall rest. It's pretty obvious he understands how important horses are in my life.

                              Your boyfriend has the beginnings of horse envy, which is a terrible thing to live with. I know; it contributed to the demise of my first marriage.

                              You can make time for both. If he is going to complain about how you spend your alone time now, imagine 10 years from now.


                              • #55
                                Originally posted by Jealoushe View Post

                                The truth is, I think would rather be alone and have my horses than have a family with no horses. I know its just hypothetical, but what the hell do I say to that. What would you say?
                                The day the question isn't hard to answer, you'll know he's "the one"

                                There are "people" and there are "PEOPLE!"


                                • #56
                                  From a horse-shaped magnet on my sister's refrigerator:

                                  "He asked me to choose between him and my horse...I still miss him sometimes."

                                  Life is too short. Be happy, do what you love. The right guy will love you and respect you for having that passion and dedication.
                                  "I was not expecting the park rangers to lead the resistance, none of the dystopian novels I read prepared me for this but cool."


                                  • #57
                                    Ooooh, just remembered another one from mom! Learn and repeat The Single's Creed:
                                    I Would Rather Go Through Life Wanting What I Don't Have Than Having What I Don't Want.

                                    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.


                                    • #58
                                      Originally posted by county View Post
                                      Just curious but what do you ladies think about the same type thing where women get upset with men that hunt, fish, go to ball games etc.? I know lots of ladies that just flip because their boyfreinds and husbands spend money and time on these things.
                                      Depends on exactly how much time/money they spend, just like with horses. I think expecting to become the center of someone else's ENTIRE world is a common problem with clinging/possessive types of both sexes, but I also think it's more common in men. Women can be very obnoxiously possessive, but not where it comes to letting their guy go off with other guys - let him go to the grocery store where another woman might be present? No chance in hell. Go hunting in a frozen forest in November? Whatever, DH, I don't care, just don't expect me to gut whatever you shoot. Guys, on the other hand, seem very prone to basic possiveness where they just want their wife attending to them - just present and aware of them - and that means any absence is a problem.


                                      • #59
                                        Sorry, but it's time to hit the road. I dated a guy for almost three years (just dating, not fiance), and he NEVER got it. (There were other reasons that it didn't work out, as well, but making me feel guilty for going to ride was a biggie).

                                        I am now dating a guy (we've been together almost 2 years) who understands 100% that my horses are very important to me, are key to me being happy, and will always be part of my life and is taking that into consideration in his search for graduate schools. He jokes that he knows he is second to my horses; the truth is that he's not second, it's just different. While we are not engaged, we do plan to spend the rest of our lives together - AND have a family.

                                        Huh! A family AND horses - who'da thunk?!
                                        If we have to nail on talent, it's not talent.
                                        Founder, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous


                                        • #60
                                          My answer would have been,
                                          "I'm not gonna answer that question because i will never have to face that decision." period. It is possible to have both a family and horses and that he would assume each other was mutually exclusive is where the conversation would focus.

                                          My DH has issues with riding and horses but I always told him from the moment we met (we were introduced by the way by his trainer brother so he only even met me because of horses) that horses would be part of my life. There may be times I can't have one, or can't even ride due to time or money issues but eventually I was gonna have one, or two

                                          He doesn't love it but he knows that's who I am and keeps quiet about it. He even would support me buying a little farm if I could have horses at home - though he is very clear he won't even go into the barn