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Uh-Oh....my bf asked THE QUESTION

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  • Any good relationship is about compromise. The only compromise your BF seems to be interested in is one that originates from your side. Ditch him. Yesterday. Don't ignore the warning signs that he's so considerately giving you. He's a self-centered, manipulative little boy, and there's no room in anyone's life for someone like that.
    In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
    A life lived by example, done too soon.


    • I would say to him, "If you truelly love me then you love the part of me that loves horses

      When my hubby asked me to marry him I said "You do realize if you marry me that you
      are marrying my love for horses too." We have been happily married for 16 years and
      he is NOT a horse person. He puts up with my love for horses. The only thing
      he said when my horse threw me last fall and I broke my back in three places was..
      "You will never ever ride that horse out alone ever again."
      I have ridden my horse three times since the accident and have not nor will I
      ride him alone ever again.

      Part of any relationship is compramise.


      • The foundation of a good relationship - IMO with people or animals - is respect. Respect includes recognizing, honoring and supporting those things that make your partner who he/she is, those preferences, passions and personal quirks that make them, well, them.

        With the OP, that includes horses. If someone can't accept that, what does it say for that person's ability to accept ALL of you???

        I'm blessed to be married for the second time - my first husband is a good man, and still someone I respect and love, but our life goals (he's very traditional, I'm not) were not compatible. Both of us found the right partner the second time. My DH is actually the reason I HAVE a horse - he'd noticed along the way how much I always looked at horses we passed; we'd gone riding on a vacation in England before we were married; and when we moved to horse country, he was the one who suggested taking riding lessons. When I was in the car accident and told I'd never ride again, I wanted to sell my horse as it was a financial burden when I wasn't able to really work -- he said "if you think you'll ever ride again, and I think you will, do not sell this horse. We'll be fine." I leased the horse instead, and we were fine.

        He supports my riding even though it IS a physical risk (my spine doctor wasn't really keen on it). I support his hobbies -- in fact, I bought him a very nice bicycle for his birthday. But, he returned it, since he doesn't do that much road riding and preferred to spend the money for something else (we're planning a vacation instead). The point was, I didn't get him a bike because he NEEDED one, I got it because I thought he might like it. And I got in knowing that it might mean he'd be away on longer bike rides. But I support his time for his activities, and he supports mine.

        If you can't support each other's passions, if what brings your partner joy - whether or not you understand or participate in it - is something you can't tolerate, I don't think you can truly have a healthy, growing relationship. Yes, you will need to compromise - I miss many shows because of obligations to family and friends, and sometimes just because we haven't spent time together in a while, but that's by choice (well, most of the time..). Compromise is good; controlling is not.

        All of which is a very long way of saying, "so, the guy's gone now, right?" ;-)....


        • These discussions about riding-related injuries and SOs are bringing back more memories. And not the good ones.

          I had an ex tell me that he'd kill my horse if I ever fell off and died. Uhh??? Was that supposed to be his way of showing his undying love for me? Then again, he also literally chased my dog on foot with a gun one day when she ran away from him. He wasn't all there.


          • Originally posted by marta View Post
            i've been in a relationship for 8 years and i still hear digs about my horse hobby. it's not a healthy relationship, sadly i speak from experience.
            i agree w/ those who said establish boundaries. if you're not overly invested in this relationship, maybe it's time to re-evaluate.

            to me the choice is clear, horses and being single wins over any man who is hinting ultimatums

            Yes yes!!!

            Last edited by tidy rabbit; Aug. 31, 2008, 11:05 AM.
            Stoneybrook Farm Afton TN


            • Originally posted by ToesIn View Post
              I'd tell him his question led to a false dilemma. It is possible to be happily married and also have horses, maybe just not with him : )
              Ooooh, excellent observation!


              • Originally posted by Lori B View Post
                Ding ding ding -- the 'normal' word. Fear it. It is a sign of someone who wants to tell you how and who you should be. Since when is 'normal' a good arbiter of how one should live?

                Controllers are a bad idea, whether they like your pony or not.

                Tell him you are like Popeye. ("I yam what I yam.") You are who you are, with the values you have and the life you are living, and that if he doesn't like that, or thinks that you will outgrow it, he is sorely mistaken.

                I am really glad that I was already riding and spending a lot of time at the barn when I met my honey, because that way, while he is not a giant fan of the time and money cost of this hobby, he knows what the score is, and doesn't expect me to give it up.
                Great post, Lori B.

                Originally posted by tidy rabbit View Post
                Yes yes!!!

                LOL, so true!


                • To quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
                  "Run away! Run away!"

                  You can try to expose him to different horsie events, and different horsie people (hopefully ones that he has some other interest in common with.) But...

                  If he truly resents the horses now, it will only get worse. And every time you have a bad arguement, it will come back to "the horses", which he will use as a club (figuratively speaking) to beat you with.
                  "Uh, if you're going to try that, shouldn't you unplug it first?"


                  • Balance

                    Do you really want an answer to the question you asked?

                    The "6 month rule" has always been a good rule to live by. It basically is that you won't really know the person you're dating until 6 months into the relationship. At that point you BOTH will let your guard down enough to really learn what the other is like. Sounds like you're there.

                    But, at such a young age, don't be so quick to dismiss good advice that implies that YOU may need to change too. A quick scan of your responses shows that you're all over any comments that validate you and suggest the problem is entirely on behalf of your boyfriend. When anyone points out that you may have some growing to do, your responses are quite snippy.

                    I had a friend once that truly DID love her animals (horses and dogs) more than she loved people. She was quite up front about it. I have to say that she was very close to being the most self absorbed, arrogant person I've ever met. The reason for her affinity to animals was that she could control them. It ALWAYS was ALL about her. She did, in fact, use her boyfriends to support her horse habit. When they started wanting equal treatment within the relationship, she moved on to the next guy who would make the relationship entirely revolve around HER. We all felt sorry for the guys she dated and wondered how/why they would put up with her garbage.

                    I'm not saying this describes you. But you should take a look in the mirror to make sure it doesn't. Only you know what's inside.


                    • You say "GOOD BYE"
                      Every time you ride, your are either teaching or un-teaching your horse.


                      • Oh tidy rabbit can I have that printed on a sign for my home?


                        • Originally posted by county View Post
                          Just curious but what do you ladies think about the same type thing where women get upset with men that hunt, fish, go to ball games etc.? I know lots of ladies that just flip because their boyfreinds and husbands spend money and time on these things.
                          I dont. My husband fishes, rides his 4 wheeler, goes mudding in his 4wd, used to drag race, hangs out with his buddies, goes to the batting cages, golfs, etc etc etc.

                          And Im glad that he has those things b/c he understands that we each have our "sanity" in the things we love. I dont question him where he spends his money or how much time he spends doing X Y or Z. But I also go fishing with him, help him on his truck, go mudding, drive the golf cart, video his races, etc. And he helps in the barn, takes photo/videos of me riding, loads/unloads hay/feed/bedding.

                          We both respect each others passions and also make an effort to learn about each others interests and share experiences with each other.

                          I think its BS that women complain about their guys doing something unless they dont have a hobby themselves and the guy (or girl!) really is ignoring the partner in the relationship. Its all about respect. My husband would never ask me to give up something I love like horses just like I would never ask him to give up one of his hobbies.

                          BTW, we've been together for 7 years and married for 2 of them. Im 24 and hes 27.

                          Member of the ILMD[FN]HP Clique, The Florida Clique, OMGiH I loff my mares, and the Bareback Riders clique!


                          • There are good ones out there! My husband said "if you can't beat 'em join 'em"! After 7 years of marriage he put his dirt bike in the garage, bought himself the cutest Haflinger on four legs, and learned to ride and drive. THEN he built me my 7 stall dream barn with all the amenities so we could all spend time together! Don't settle for one who doesn't support what you love!
                            Cornerstone Equestrian
                            Home of Amazing (Balou du Rouet/Voltaire) 2005 KWPN Stallion
                            RPSI, KWPN reg B, and IHF nominated


                            • Happy with your horses for company or slavery for about 18 years.

                              What the hell is the problem. Why do men think they are such a bargain?
                              ... _. ._ .._. .._


                              • Originally posted by horsechick View Post
                                Don't settle for one who doesn't support what you love!
                                This bears repeating.

                                Don't settle for one who doesn't support what you love!

                                Originally posted by Equibrit View Post
                                What the hell is the problem. Why do men think they are such a bargain?
                                Most are laboring under the misconception that they're a better bet than a soft nose to pet, a mane to cry into when you need it, and a partner that truly is a partner. Most cant compete with that. I'm one of the lucky ones who found one that can. Don't you settle until you find one, too!
                                In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                                A life lived by example, done too soon.