What is considered unreasonable behavior?

[lilitiger2]

You need to change the language of your thoughts and make them non-negotiable. Remove the "I think" and the "I can" and change the statement, for example: "You're looking for more than I will offer you in a partboard arrangement, so it's time for you to find another situation...." Using passive language leaves her an opening to argue against it. Be assertive, no negotiation.

^This is great! If you decide to move on and terminate, watch the movie "Moneyball" where Brad Pitt explains to his assistant how to cut a member of the team. Nothingly emotional or flowery, just "Bob, you've been traded to the Detroit Tigers, here's the guy to contact". Nice, polite, not negotiable!

[OverandOnward]

It wouldn't be hard to let her dig her own grave over the next few weeks, with the requests and questions and PUSHING I'm expecting will happen. At the end of the month, I can call her and break the bad news. While I was up at the barn tonight, I wrote some thoughts down in a draft email, which were along the lines of, "I think you're looking for more than I can offer you in a partboard arrangement, and I think you'd be better off finding another situation where you have the opportunity to spend more time up at the barn".

My advice is not to say ANYTHING about her thoughts, actions, obvious wants/needs, or anything whatsoever about her. Anything you state or suggest about her, she will argue with you till the end of time. Rather, talk only about yourself. Put it in terms of what you have already decided. "I'm going to end our partboard arrangement for reasons of my own. I wish you all the best finding a happy situation with a horse you enjoy." That's it. The more you feed her, the more she'll consume ... you've already noticed the 'give an inch' situation. If she asks for details, be brief and tell her your decision is made and you wish her happy riding.

Once you've done that, you are free to find a partboard arrangement with anyone else, even if she is still in the same barn and sees you every day. You had your reasons for ending this one that you aren't sharing, and you'll have your reasons for the next one - that you aren't sharing.

The only way to out-manipulate someone this manipulative is not to play the game at all. Just shut her out. Remain cordial but warmly distant in the future. That's what seems called for, based on what you've posted.

[zipperfoot]

I agree with this.

This thread makes me shake my head, actually. So many people around here get their panties in a wad when their part boarder does not ask first. "How dare they make a decision about Dobbin without asking me first, I am his owner, not them" and "Why does my part boarder never offer to help with anything around here. It is so annoying that I have to do all the chores and they are not willing to help."

You do not like this woman. That is obvious. She does not need to be wrong in any way just because you do not like her.
To me her calling/emailing/texting you updates her trying to keep you in the loop about your horse.

This. I feel sorry for this part-boarder. She probably thought that the two of you might become friends, based on your mutual interest/love of the horse. Maybe you should have explained to her that you were only interested in her money, not her friendship. Others may disagree, but to me you sound hypercritical and jealous. I think she could find a better share-board situation with someone else.

[SwampYankee]

I took a one-day course once called "Dealing with Difficult People" which has stood me in good stead. The central idea was that it's far more effective to say:

"WE have a problem with THIS" rather than:

"I have a problem with YOU."

This keeps it from getting personal, and keeps the focus on solving the problem itself.

Good Luck!

[oreobob]

I've had one of these.

He didn't do the constant calling/texting, but he didn't get the boundaries thing either. I had just gotten a new horse but wasn't quite ready to part with the old one yet. I was leasing her out part time already and my trainer had a new student who was interested in a part lease, so I set up a contract specifying different days which he could ride, under trainer supervision. Each leader got one weekend day and one weekday. But then the requests to move days started up. After the first couple of times, he said he wanted to change to one of the days that the other leaser had. They were okay with that, but then he asked about both weekend days. Uh, No. Then he wanted to his 5 year old son to come up and ride. I asked if he talked to trainer about that, answer was no, they didn't need trainer as they would "just be walking around" . Uh, no, he'd only been riding for a few months, I didn't want the liability. Final straw was that trainer was basically firing him and could he ride horse with another trainer? Uh, no, bye.

Around that time my other leaser decided to commit to owning, and my horse went to a great home with a family who loved her. Other guy calls back a couple of months later, asking about riding. I explain that she has been sold and he wants their contact info. Uh, no. I tell him that I will ask if they are interested in leasing (they weren't)

Good part leaders may be hard to find, but so are horses/owners who can tolerate novice riders. And the stress of what he might ask for next wasn't worth the extra funds

[Bebe Falcon]

Many thanks to the majority of you who posted constructive, thoughtful replies. I know the written word can easily be taken out of context, and I appreciate those of you that gave me the benefit of the doubt, and recognized a person (me, obviously!) who neglected to understand that the boundaries should have been set much earlier on. Ah well, you live and learn.

Unfortunately, this partboarder and I seem to have different personalities and different expectations of what this partboard agreement IS. That much is becoming obvious. To be clear, I never intended to come across as slagging her off to the masses. What makes our interactions all the more difficult is she's otherwise a nice enough person, which is what makes it so hard to say 'no' to her in the first place.

Again, I appreciate the constructive ideas and suggestions. I clearly have a lot to think about before making any sort of decision. Sadly, this thread appears to have taken an unfortunate turn (as generally tends to happen) and seems to now be attracting those who appear to be less interested in giving their constructive criticism (or otherwise being useful) than they are in making sarcastic and unnecessary remarks.

Anyway, I appreciate the thoughtful input. It's always good to try and see things from a few different perspectives Rather than see this thread degenerate any further, I think I'll take this opportunity to take with me the well-thought out responses, and make my exit!

[CHT]

I teach some older beginners who own/lease horses. They are higher maintenance because they are old enough/smart enough to know that they may not know what they do or do not know, and so ask lots of questions.

They also don't tend to have many horse friends, so do need people to share with.

I personally like it as it reminds me of the joy of discovering horses, and makes me think of things I may have taken for granted.

If that relationship doesn't work for you, then you need to end it...I am sure it will work for someone else...but, she likely is truly attached to your horse by now, so don't expect the parting to go smoothly.

[noreins]

Yikes! When I was half-leasing, I always wanted to know the owner's expectations on when to call/email, if they needed help with anything, etc. I'd make a blanket offer of "call me if you need anything done with the horses" in the beginning, simply since I lived closer to the barn, and leave it at that. It's your horse, you get to set the terms and if she doesn't agree, you should probably just end it, in a way that she can't possibly worm her way out of. I do feel bad for her, but it does sound like she'd do better with a different situation.

[GaitedGloryRider]

OP- Good luck getting the situation resolved. I hope you can get your barn life back to normal with minimal drama.

[OverandOnward]

Just a note. I think some people are missing the difference between constructive emails/text such as "it is ok if I ... ?" "where are the soft brushes?" and "just to let you know that ... ," against constant attempts to change ride days, glean more control and interfere with where the horse is boarded. To me this doesn't sound like honest questions in the best interests of the horse. Rather, it is a barrage designed to put the part-boarder in control of the horse. Purposefully or not.

If someone hasn't run into a personality such as Bebe is handling, it is hard to imagine it. This part-boarder is going well beyond asking about stuff for horse welfare. :P

[Kafue]

It's a tough thing to do because on some level you are not wanting to hurt her feelings but it sounds like she is getting more demanding as time goes on. I concluded a part boarding arrangement when I got an irate text from a part boarder demanding to know why I had not put my mare's blanket back on after riding and my mare had rolled. I actually did not reply for about 8 hours while I thought about my response and then I very politely told her that I did not want our arrangement to continue. Luckily I had said up front that our arrangement would be flexible on a month to month basis.

I am not a professional rider, so riding and horses are my stress relief and if something stops me from enjoying that time with them or my horses become more stressful than my job then I have to fix it.

[meupatdoes]

However, I'm starting to find she's becoming quite a handful. I'd say this week has been rather typical - in the last 7 days I've had eight emails and three phone calls. The communication ranges anything from
(1)"I need to switch-up my riding schedule this week, can I trade my Tuesday for your Wednesday?" to
(2)"Let me know if there's ever a day that you're not there that I can go up and ride!" to
(3)"I see there's some fly spray on his stall door, just wanted to know if you wanted me to put some on him before I put him back outside" to
(4)"Just wanted to let you know I had a great ride today..." to
(5)"Just wanted to let you know I spent some time grooming him and he seemed to really love it.." ... I hope you get the picture.

Items 2,3, 4, and 5 don't actually require anything of you.
(1) requires some adjustment from you, but 2, 3, 4, and 5 you could essentially drop off the face of the earth and she could still give your horse the extra attention. If it does not require anything from you, why does it bother you? Email back "Great, thanks!" and the end.

Most recently, he's developed a lameness and I opted to suspend the partboarding agreement, because I didn't feel right taking her money when he isn't sound to be ridden. At the moment, she continues to go up to the barn (her request) and spend time with him, groom him, etc. while he recuperates. Typical of our relationship, I suggested once a week, and she "negotiated" herself three days.

What exactly is wrong with her spending time with him and grooming him? Again, it does not require anything from you. The only end result is that your horse gets extra attention, which in my mind is a positive?
I wish I had a volunteer begging to come to the barn 3 times a week to groom my horse, let him graze on the lead line during the part of the day where they come in from turnouts, spend time with him, dote on him... He is not always the soundest and I don't always have time to do the "little extras" for him with all the others that are on my list to ride, so I would love it if someone just wanted to give him attention without requiring anything from me.
(Speaking of which, come on COTH, anyone? I teach lessons in exchange!)

Is it wrong of me to be seriously considering "letting her go" as a partboarder, and wanting to find someone who's not so high-maintenance? I don't know if talking to her to try and fix things is possible. A few weeks ago, for instance, I asked that she stick to emails in future, and save the phone calls for when there's a serious health emergency.. yet she still calls me about things like bug spray. My heart just sinks when I see that she's emailed/called/texted .. AGAIN. It's almost comical, at this point. Sigh.

If you can't take her call, don't take it. No one is forcing you to pick up the phone. For my part I don't want to deal with texting period so I have put an autoresponder on my text messages that "this user doesn't accept texts. Please call or email instead." End of negotiation.
You can ignore the call if it is inconvenient and then listen to her message (or delete it) when and if you feel like it.


And the upshot of all of this that doesn't actually inconvenience you all that much is that your horse gets a ton of extra positive attention at no cost to you.

[FlashGordon]

I don't get this thread.

I find it weird the OP is reading all kinds of manipulative "stuff" into the partboarder's actions when it seems like she's benign enough. She sounds like a nice lady who maybe doesn't realize the boundaries, if she is a novice. Maybe she doesn't understand that telling the owner about her "bond" with the horse is like telling a woman you've "bonded" with her husband.

And how is texting or calling or emailing to let the owner know what has been done and/or ask questions a bad thing?

Strange thread all around, frankly.

PS - I'd love a part-boarder that kept me in the loop. Hell when I was pregnant I was PAYING people to ride/groom/walk my gelding and it was like pulling teeth trying to get info from them.

[GaitedGloryRider]

meup- Not everyone is like you. Yep, some people could classify OP's line of thinking regarding this boarder as unwarranted, unnecessary or even on the selfish side. But since it's her horse she's got every right to think/feel how she does and act accordingly. Why should she continue in an arrangement that she finds uncomfortable with her own horse just to spare this woman's feelings?

Undoubtedly OP has let the situation go too far. She's already owned that, she's already acknowledged her part in it and she knows her part in it that let it get to where it is. What more do you want for her? You want her to suck it up and rearrange her whole line of thinking, her comfort levels and her emotions to suit one person? That's absurd. She doesn't like what's going on plain and simple so again, why shouldn't she be able to end the arrangement since, after all, this is her horse we are talking about?

And on the flip-side, do you really think the part lessee is happy overall with the arrangement? She's constantly fighting for more time with the horse, more leeway with what she does with the horse, more flexibility with the schedule and on top of it she's now pestering OP for an answer on when can start riding again now that the horse is lame. (Actually that would tick me off right there, I'd want a lessee that would put my horse's soundness above their own pleasure of riding, not bug me with questions about when she could get back in the saddle).

OP isn't happy. It's not a stretch to assume the part lessee is possibly frustrated with the situation too. As of yet, neither one of them has stepped up and said hey, this isn't working.

Some of us, like you, would be perfectly happy to have someone dote and gush over our horse. Nothing wrong with that at all. But it's a little rude to assume everyone else (like the OP) should be comfortable with that just because you are.

Neither one of them have a chance at finding a situation that truly fulfills their needs while stuck in the current one. I'm sure a parting of the ways will be hard on the part lessee given she's so attached to the horse. Who know though? Getting released from this situation may very well lead to her finding her someone like you who will welcome her behavior with open arms with a nice horse suitable for her that she can fall in love with, forgetting OP's horse altogether. She can't be that much in love with OP's horse anyway if she's asking "when can I ride again" as opposed to "how is Dobbin's recovery progressing" when the horse is laid up lame anyway.

Both of them could very well end up in much more suitable situations if OP works up the nerve to just end it. Where is the harm in that?

[zipperfoot]

If the OP decides to terminate the present agreement, I'd suggest careful consideration before she takes on another part-boarder. It doesn't sound like she really wants to share her horse with ANYONE--and that's OK, but if she doesn't want to share her horse, she shouldn't look for another part-boarder. If she decides to go with another part-boarder, she should get everything IN WRITING prior to finalizing the agreement. JMHO.

[showhorsegallery]

Send this part-leaser to me. I would LOVE constant info on my horse if someone else is riding her.

I'd rather have a friendly relationship with someone who's riding my horse than constantly wondering what they're doing with her.

Someone who wants to go love on my mare, groom her, maybe (Dog willing) even clean my tack? and PAY me for it? YES PLEASE!

If the constant notifications get annoying I could always just not respond.

I'm now wondering how I find one these of my own?

[scheherazadetbmare]

If what OP is saying is true, the other woman is a manipulator. Needy people who 1/2 lease a horse do not change the dates they ride; do not talk about about their bonding experiences with the horse; and do not ignore instructions on how to communicate with the horse's owner.

Needy 1/2 lease people actually try to PLEASE the owner of the horse by being overly solicitious to the owner. They dobn't do the opposite of what the owner says to do.

OP has admitted her feelings about having her horse of 11 yrs being ridden and groomed by another. If she is telling us the truth, the 1/2 lease woman is deliberately undermining her and deliberately doing the opposite of what OP tells her to do.

She is pushing your bottons and you are letting her walk all over you. If you must, do work at a barn in order to pay your horse's expenses. If you cannot find someone who wil ride 2 or 3 days a week and pay some of your expenses, get another job. This woman is a master manipulator who knows how to make you do what she wants. She is enjoying making you unhappy. If you don't believe me, go see a shrink and ask him/her about the situation. I've seen manipulators before in non-horse situations. They are nasty people. Not unhappy and needy. They thrive on making others do their will.

[Bebe Falcon]

I hope I've made it clear that it's not just any one thing that makes her intolerable, though. That she cares about him is great. That she updates me regularly is also great. But the frequency with which she does so, and the frequency with which she always "pushes" for more is no longer something I can endure. There's just this tone of desperation and manipulation that seems to underline all of her interactions with me and it's become tiresome.

This thread just won't die, huh?! I bolded the above because there seems to be a select few that seem to think I hate the updates or the innocent questions. I don't. What OverandOnward stated earlier is right on target, if you haven't ever encountered someone with this kind of a personality, you have no idea what it's like. I also feel compelled to provide a couple of illustrative examples.

Firstly, back when she would NOT commit to the same three days each week (and we were re-living this scheduling nightmare EACH week, because each time I asked her to commit, she said she couldn't as her coach's schedule was too unpredictable, or her job was causing scheduling conflicts, etc.), there was one week where I simply gave-up and picked the three days I wanted, leaving her the remaining four to choose from:

PB: "Okay, do you know what nights you plan to ride?"
Me: "I'm planning to go up Tues, Wed and Sat this week."
PB: "So my lesson is scheduled for Sunday. I would like to ride Tues, let me know."
- ?!?!?!?! -
Me: "Tues won't work."

(She then proceeded to get frustrated and ask me what MY suggestion was, because apparently the remaining days didn't fit in with her plans. Which I still don't understand, because I wasn't the one in this arrangement who was unable to commit to a schedule in the first place). I even gave her the option of dropping-down to two days a week instead of three (for less $$, of course) as she seemed to be finding it difficult to commit to three days a week. She didn't seem interested.

A second perfect example:

In a voicemail she left me, she acknowledged that I usually ride Wednesdays, but it was the ONLY day her coach could commit to giving her a lesson, so would I please mind if she had that day instead? However, she's fully aware I have to go up on Wednesdays anyway to do chores (which she's not capable of doing on her own), which makes it the perfect opportunity for me to squeeze in a ride while I'm up there.

Although it was starting to feel like this constant renegotiation for my two chosen days was intentional, I wrote back with a breezy and nonchalant, "Got your voicemail. I'm riding tomorrow as usual!".

I get this in reply: "No problem, but I'm not happy." and THEN: "ur horses sheath, PENIS, is in bad shape, it has gotten worse. Can I please help, it is so not healthy". Uhhh... how is that relevant to the topic at hand? Oh right, it's not .. I'm going to interpret that as lashing-out because you're upset you didn't get your way. For the record, her coach ended-up giving her a lesson later that week on Friday, so apparently, Wednesday wasn't the ONLY day she could accommodate. ALSO for the record, when I got around to cleaning his sheath (at the time I replied with a very restrained, "I'll take care of it, thanks"), I can only assume that she'd gone ahead and done it herself anyway, because he was certainly not FILTHY as she had claimed he was.

And I know there's some of you who think the easy solution is to ignore her, but at the time, that just seemed so rude and insulting, which is why I always felt so compelled to reply to her, even if it wasn't the answer she wanted. I'm looking back on my text messages, and I have to say, not ONCE did I lose my temper with her or give her a hard time about any of her questions or requests. I answered everything as politely as possible. Really.

She strikes me as very emotional... either very high, or very low. She either absolutely loves him and they're getting along together so well (which I accept as being way better than the alternative) as it's been for the past little while, or she's cutting her lesson short after 10 minutes in a flurry of f-bombs because she's unable to sit my horse's little spooks (her seat still needs a LOT of work). Spooks which even her COACH admitted were "nothing" and were something that she really had to commit to working through, because she couldn't just get off the horse and give-up each time she encountered a minor problem.

So, like I say... It's not the constant updates or questions that bother me. I could handle that. It's all this other nonsense thrown in, too. And as for her bonding with the horse? If I didn't have any other issues with her, I wouldn't care about it, because I understand that there's going to be some relationship-building going on between the two of them. But the fact that I seem to have to have that fact forced down my throat on repeated occasions while still putting-up with the kind of stuff I've mentioned above, is .... the straw that broke the camel's back, I think. Or a slap in the face. Either way.

[ReSomething]

I've been sitting on my hands because as a fellow formerly horse starved 50-something I felt you might not be giving her the indulgence I'd hope she would get, but after reading that post number 98, really too long to quote and go over point by point, those are just a bit too much for me to be comfortable with either. What part of 'Tuesday" did she not understand I wonder? She needs to get off her duff and get her own horse.

[scheherazadetbmare]

OK 'bonding" with a 1/2 lease horse does not including handling his penis. Time for the 1/2 lease woman to find something else to do. Unless you require her to clean sheath and penis.

Get her away from your horse. She sounds like she has too many mental issues. This is not just a lonely horse-lover, she's got some serious issues that could escalate.

With next 1/2 lease person, set definite times and boundaries. God only knows just what this woman is feeding your horse. Sure sometimes people need to change days for riding, but not every week or every day.