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Should I be mad at my husband? UPDATE 148: The horse will be okay!

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  • Originally posted by foggybok View Post
    If I want to be mad at my husband, I certainly can write a thread that makes him sound bad enough to be mad at....whether or not it is true...
    very true, and quite sadly I believe most of us can

    (I'm absolutely not saying this is the case for the OP)...

    I don't think it was useful to answer the original question since OP is obviously mad already, so I guess "yes" is the only appropriate answer. I mean, does anybody really believe that if we say that OP shouldn't be mad at her husband she's going to bring him breakfast in bed tomorrow?

    Comment


    • Originally posted by TheJenners View Post
      OK, I stopped reading after page five...good lord.

      I think the DH was being a typical man. I think the horse overreacted by a LOT. I think DH maybe has a hard time dealing with some emotions like embarrassment, shame or guilt. I think the OP maybe has some issues with being "right" or something. I think continuing anger at this point is counterproductive and should be let go.

      I think a lot of people on the board need Zoloft!
      I like that

      not that my opinion as a freshly divorced person would really help here

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Ghazzu View Post
        The only blameless party in this scenario is the horse.
        I agree.

        But my point of view differs slightly (or maybe someone already wrote this and I missed it)...

        No matter how pissed off I was at my husband, one of the number one rules of a healthy marriage is..."what happens in the barn, stays in the barn."

        You don't go off whining in public about what an A**hole your husband is and how he did this, that and the other thing. Not cool -unless maybe you are already given up on the marriage. You don't complain on a public forum (even anonymously) if your marriage matters to you. That is not how to "fix" things. It is how to implode and explode your marriage and a method of eunuching your partner in public.

        Trying to get everyone on "your" side of the fight is what some people do in high school (and hopefully they grow out of it), not in a healthy marriage. healthy marriages don't involve "whisper campaigns."
        Luistano Stallion standing for 2013: Wolverine UVF
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IZPHDzgX3s

        Comment


        • Wow! Is everyone on the East Coast? Maybe the bizarrely high heat and humidity is causing all this drama .

          Yes, OP, in your situation, I'd probably be angry, for the reason I posted on an earlier response.

          A single incident doesn't tell everything about a marriage.

          There is no such thing as a marriage with no issues at all.

          Sounds like "men" stuff...my life has been almost entirely populated by men for most of it (only brothers, only sons, only nephews, work in a male field, male roommates in college, couple of husbands an a number of boyfriends over the years...)...Not apologizing or finding it easy to admit fault is nothing new, comes with the territory a lot of the time. Doesn't necessarily make a "bad" man or a "bad" marriage. Men are different than women, in general. It can be annoying and it's OK to seek support from other women about it. Men find us just as annoying and confusing sometimes as we do them, they just don't tend to share personal stuff as much as we do, so they are often quieter about it .

          I like men, 90% of the time, that other 10%, I go hang out with animals.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by AlterSkeleton View Post
            On Tuesday, my husband decides that he wants to try to ride my TB. He normally rides a push button paint horse. He gets on, walks around the arena for two minutes, then tries to spur my horse (who is not ridden with roweled spurs ever, and at the most soft touch english spurs).

            Throughout the whole ordeal, my husband has been loudly proclaiming that it was an accident and not his fault.
            I realize you're married and such, but my husband would have asked if he could ride my designated horse first or at least tell me he was ahead of time. If I knew he wore spurs in the past, I'd also tell him "no spurs."

            So yes. I'd be mad at my husband, but I would quickly get over it. Putting your horse above your husband is why we end up seeing alter threads on here about going through a divorce because subject spends more time with horses than husband/family.
            If wishes were horses then beggars would ride...
            DLA: Draft Lovers Anonymous
            Originally posted by talkofthetown
            As in, the majikal butterfly-fahting gypsy vanners.

            Comment


            • I would be upset too. Really upset about my horse but more upset if my husband didn't at least apologize for his actions. Even if he doesn't think it's his fault, if it will make his wife feel better and smooth things over what harm is there? Her horse could have a serious injury and he needs to be there to support her through this. I know how stressful it can be when your horse is injured.

              Sometimes when people are having relationship problems you feel like you have no one to talk to, or are looking for advice from people who might understand your situation. I can imagine venting to my friends about my husband horse issues and I'm sure they would be thinking "who cares, it's your horse just share it" or something ridiculous like that.
              https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

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              • curious(have not read all pages) if your husband did get seriously injured from this would you feel the same way? or because he was fine you feel the need to blame him? yes he shouldn't have used spurs wen you told him to, but maybe just nicely talk to him about what happened.(you catch more flies with honey )

                Men tend to express there self differently from woman, he prob does feel bad.he prob won't do it again.

                I do hope your horse gets better soon.

                Comment

                • Original Poster

                  UPDATE: We trailered over to the vet yesterday afternoon and my horse got an exam and some xrays. He is going to be fine. He gets 10 to 14 days of rest, hand walking, and anti-inflammatory cream. On the plus side, my husband's horse got his teeth floated so we managed to consolidate a few trips into one.

                  Was I wrong in posting about it? Probably, but it was cathartic and a release I needed when I was very worried about my horse. Posting anonymously on a message board beats running amok and screaming at people any day.

                  I was most definitely wrong in allowing a novice rider who only rides packers to get on a horse that is definitely not for beginners, even if he is my husband. Even with all the caveats he was given (no spurs, no cantering), I should have know better.

                  Will my husband ever listen to anything I say? Probably not, but he's been not listening for 15 years. I rather like him otherwise, so I guess I just need to deal with it and keep him off my horse!

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by AlterSkeleton View Post
                    UPDATE: We trailered over to the vet yesterday afternoon and my horse got an exam and some xrays. He is going to be fine. He gets 10 to 14 days of rest, hand walking, and anti-inflammatory cream. On the plus side, my husband's horse got his teeth floated so we managed to consolidate a few trips into one.

                    Was I wrong in posting about it? Probably, but it was cathartic and a release I needed when I was very worried about my horse. Posting anonymously on a message board beats running amok and screaming at people any day.

                    I was most definitely wrong in allowing a novice rider who only rides packers to get on a horse that is definitely not for beginners, even if he is my husband. Even with all the caveats he was given (no spurs, no cantering), I should have know better.

                    Will my husband ever listen to anything I say? Probably not, but he's been not listening for 15 years. I rather like him otherwise, so I guess I just need to deal with it and keep him off my horse!
                    good update, all around.

                    Comment


                    • I feel the need to point out that difdiculty in refusal to admit fault and apologize is not unique to men. It's ubiquitous. In fact, IME women have a harder time backing down and making amends.

                      And I don't agree with the poster who said the DH should apologize even if he doesn't think it was his fault. False apologies are more damaging than no apology. And "I'm sorry IF..." and "I'm sorry BUT" don't even count as apologies in my book. I can respect aomeone for being honest with me about their feelings and for not patronizing me with an empty apology. I have no need for those who play games like telling me they're sorry when they're not just to placate me.
                      "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                      http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by AlterSkeleton View Post
                        Will my husband ever listen to anything I say? Probably not, but he's been not listening for 15 years. I rather like him otherwise, so I guess I just need to deal with it and keep him off my horse!
                        Glad to hear your horse is going to be okay. And glad to hear about your hubby, too. I think we can call off the lynch mob, ladies
                        Holy crap, how does Darwin keep missing you? ~Lauruffian

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
                          Why is it off point? The man's actions do not depend on whether or not he is the OP's husband. They evidence a disregard for the OP's opinion and disrespect for what is important to her regardless of whether or not he is her spouse. It would be disrespectful for ANYONE to treat the OP in this manner.

                          Since my interpretation of his actions do not depend on whether or not they are married, my interpretation of whether or not the OP should be "allowed" to feel angry about it do not depend on whether or not I have a frame of reference about marriage.

                          I never claimed to have a frame of reference about marriage, but this does not mean I can not have any frame of reference at all about what constitutes respectful treatment from one human being to another.


                          I am not married but I still find the mocking and dismissive tone you extend to me in your posts to be disrespectful. Do I have to be married to hold that view? I have not been remotely disrepectful or dismissive to you in this thread or otherwise, and in fact your assessment of whether the OP should be "allowed" to feel angry about her reported situation agrees with mine, so I wonder why you are taking the liberty to single me out for this treatment.
                          Gods, but you're tiresome.
                          In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                          A life lived by example, done too soon.
                          www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Horsie View Post
                            Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black . . .
                            Glad I'm not the only one to interpret meup's recent posts that way. Jeez!
                            In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                            A life lived by example, done too soon.
                            www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

                            Comment


                            • I feel the need to point out that difficulty in or refusal to admit fault and apologize is not unique to men. It's ubiquitous. In fact, IME women have a harder time backing down and making amends.

                              And I don't agree with the poster who said the DH should apologize even if he doesn't think it was his fault. False apologies are more damaging than no apology. And "I'm sorry IF..." and "I'm sorry BUT" don't even count as apologies in my book. I can respect someone for being honest with me about their feelings and for not patronizing me with an empty apology. I have no need for those who play games like telling me they're sorry when they're not just to placate me.
                              "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                              http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by ESG View Post
                                Gods, but you're tiresome.
                                "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                                http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                                Comment


                                • Originally posted by ESG View Post
                                  Gods, but you're tiresome.
                                  You owe me a new T-shirt. Snorked coffee down my front.
                                  GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!

                                  Comment


                                  • Originally posted by goneriding24 View Post
                                    You owe me a new T-shirt. Snorked coffee down my front.
                                    Geez, GR24.... That's the second tee shirt in as many days, IIRC. Maybe you need a bib?
                                    Alis volat propriis.

                                    Comment


                                    • Originally posted by bluemooncowgirl View Post
                                      Geez, GR24.... That's the second tee shirt in as many days, IIRC. Maybe you need a bib?
                                      Too true!! That's why I wear black a whole lot!! I don't know, I think it must be genetic, or sump'in. Cousins have the same problem. Go figger....
                                      GR24's Musing #19 - Save the tatas!!

                                      Comment


                                      • Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
                                        I don't think it should matter whether the OP stated her position "in a convincing way."

                                        I think it only matters if she said no, or if she didn't say no.
                                        If there is some indication that maybe she wasn't clear (so that her husband could have legitimately misunderstood), that is different from whether or not she was convincing (so that her husband knew how she felt, but didn't feel sufficiently "convinced" to comply).

                                        Saying no "convincingly" should not be a requirement. Other people should not have to be "convinced" of her boundary. That still leaves the decision with them whether they "have to" respect her boundary or not.
                                        You definitely misunderstood what I stated. I've seen how you have been towards other posters on this thread, so I am not planning to try and correct you. I just wanted you to know you were wrong.
                                        Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
                                        W. C. Fields

                                        Comment


                                        • Originally posted by ESG View Post
                                          Gods, but you're tiresome.
                                          >SNORT!!< omg-
                                          that made my day! Thanks lol


                                          edited to add; glad your horse is gonna be fine Op!! :-)

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