Should I be mad at my husband? UPDATE 148: The horse will be okay!

[gieriscm]

He had an idea that he could (for lack of a better word) 'force' my horse to do some training things that we've been coming along slowly on. (And coming along slowly was fine with me...we were making progess)

If my husband said he was going to "force" my TB to do anything before getting on, roweled spurs or not, I would also be more PO'ed at myself than at my husband as that's an obvious disaster waiting to happen. If he said it after the incident I would be furious with him.

[meupatdoes]

it will take me a while to forget he so blatantly treated my horse and my opinion with such disregard.

No, you're supposed to just be ok with that.

Stop with the misandry, already.

[Xanthoria]

It isn't actually misandry to expect men to treat their wives and the things that are important to them with respect.

When someone asks another person not to use spurs on their horse, ONCE should be enough. They said it, so respect it. Don't dismiss them and do whatever the eff you want anyway and then tell them it's THEIR fault when you dismiss or ignore their request and the situation blows up as a result.

This. Imagine if it wasn't her husband, but a friend who did this, or the barn manager, or trainer. The owner of the horse would be angry and probably there'd be a separation of ways over the matter.

But because it's her husband somehow she should allow him to treat her less than respectfully and injure her horse in a nasty case of testosterone poisoning? I think not.

[wendy]

Well, there you have it. Not only should you be mad at him, but you need a divorce - PRONTO!

This board never ceases to amaze me.


My husband accidentally poisoned my dog with ant bait once. She was trembling, ataxic, drooling. It was HORRIBLE! A few visits to the vet and one very expensive call to Poison Control and she's fine now. NEVER ONCE did it occur that I should be angry with him. He was trying to kill ANTS. Not my dog. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

well, but (hopefully) that WAS an actual accident.
That's entirely different than what happened- what happened was the DH was completely disrespectful of the horse owner's wishes and opinions. To the point of injuring the animal.
Not a person I'd want to have a relationship with- someone who pays no attention to your opinions, thoughts, and advice about how your own animal should be treated? well, and if that's his attitude, do you think he pays any attention to her opinions, thoughts, and advice about how SHE wants to be treated? doubt it.

[Horsie]

It isn't actually misandry to expect men to treat their wives and the things that are important to them with respect.

No, it's not, but I think the respect needs to work both ways. It's the "male ego," "now little wifey," and "macho" comments, along with general griping about male behavior and even a tangeant on porn-watching . . . really? Only one of us was there but I think some of us are already blaming men for being men.

All you who say that the OP should have not let him get on with spurs (if the OP was actually there when it happened), how do you do that? Body block your husband? Yank your horse away and drag it back to its stall? Beg and cry

To a certain degree . . . yes. I would feel a responsibility to both my horse and my husband. If my husband, under my supervision during an activity that I'm much more experienced at, is risking his safety and my horse's, I owe it to both of them to keep them safe. It's the same way I'll play keep-away with car keys from a drunk wannabe driver. It feels really stupid and childish at the time, but I'd rather feel a little dumb in the moment than deal with some really severe consequences later.

And, yes, I've pulled an animal away from my husband when I felt he was putting the animal in danger. He was offended at first, but we talked about it once our emotions had cooled and now he understands why I did it.

He's my husband. My very best friend in all the world.

This is what I think people need to remember the most during couple's squabbles.

And I can't reccommend marriage counseling highly enough. A good counselor can play mediator and call you both out on your BS.

[trubandloki]

Maybe I missed it, where did the OP explain that her husband fall into the category of having much less experience in this case?

And how respectful is it to play mom and dictate what your husband is allowed to do with your toys?

[JackieBlue]

I'm guessing you didn't ask him several times to please not put ant bait in any place where the dog could get it and he said, "Psh, stop being silly" before the poisoning happened though.

You have no idea what really happened. You have the upset, angry horse owner telling her version of what happened on an internet BB, looking for support.

But let's say it did go down like that. If my husband were the kind of guy that blatantly disregarded my opinion, he wouldn't have a chance to get near the horse. Something about the OP's telling of the story tells me it may have happened slightly differently. And, seriously, if the horse freaks and falls over because it gets spurred once, the husband might have a point. I came up through the ranks riding with serious BNT's and you can't enter the ring at most of their places without spurs on your heels and a crop in one hand. A conversation I had the first time I showed up for a lesson with Frank Madden:
Frank: "Where are your spurs?"
Me: "Oh, I don't need them on this guy."
Frank: "I see, you're a passenger. I don't train passengers."
Me: "What?"
Frank: "I thought you were at least a Rider. Possibly even a Trainer. But it sounds like you're just a passenger."
Me: Confused silence.
Frank: "Do you want to Ride him? Train him? Or just parade around on him?"
Me: "Uh, Ride AND Train?"
Frank: "OH! Great! Then get your spurs. I see you already have your crop." *BIG smile*
Me: Confused silence again.
Frank: "You see, if you're planning to Ride and/or Train any horse, quiet or hot, there may come a time when you need spurs. Or a crop. Or both."
Me: "Uh huh..."
Frank: "Well, what if you need 'em, but you don't have 'em? What does your horse learn then?"
Me: Nodding, smiling, running back to the barn for my spurs!

[Xanthoria]

And how respectful is it to play mom and dictate what your husband is allowed to do with your toys?

1. A horse is not a toy, it's a living, breathing animal that feels pain and distress

2. I dictate what I do with my possessions, toy, animal or otherwise. He does the same with his. It's not a mother/child relationship, it's two adults having respect for each other.

[meupatdoes]

But let's say it did go down like that. If my husband were the kind of guy that blatantly disregarded my opinion, he wouldn't have a chance to get near the horse. Something about the OP's telling of the story tells me it may have happened slightly differently. And, seriously, if the horse freaks and falls over because it gets spurred once, the husband might have a point. I came up through the ranks riding with serious BNT's and you can't enter the ring at most of their places without spurs on your heels and a crop in one hand. A conversation I had the first time I showed up for a lesson with Frank Madden:
Frank: "Where are your spurs?"
Me: "Oh, I don't need them on this guy."
Frank: "I see, you're a passenger. I don't train passengers."
Me: "What?"
Frank: "I thought you were at least a Rider. Possibly even a Trainer. But it sounds like you're just a passenger."
Me: Confused silence.
Frank: "Do you want to Ride him? Train him? Or just parade around on him?"
Me: "Uh, Ride AND Train?"
Frank: "OH! Great! Then get your spurs. I see you already have your crop." *BIG smile*
Me: Confused silence again.
Frank: "You see, if you're planning to Ride and/or Train any horse, quiet or hot, there may come a time when you need spurs. Or a crop. Or both."
Me: "Uh huh..."
Frank: "Well, what if you need 'em, but you don't have 'em? What does your horse learn then?"
Me: Nodding, smiling, running back to the barn for my spurs!

And regardless of how YOU would train the OP's horse Frank Madden-style IF IT WERE YOURS, or how the OP's husband would train the horse OP-husband style IF IT WERE HIS, the fact is that the horse is NOT yours or his, and NEITHER OF YOU should be giving the OP little lectures or storied anecdotes on the use of spurs with her own G-D- horse unless she asks.

I don't think the title of the thread is "Should I use spurs with my horse" unless my reading comprehension is really failing.

Let her have her own little kingdom with HER OWN HORSE without talking down to her about how YOU would do it and why YOUR WAY is so much better and how she should just shut up and let EVERYONE ELSE try out their training ideas on HER horse and not make a peep about it.

[GaitedGloryRider]

By her own words, OP says it was a case of male ego.

By her own words, OP says he thought he was going to show her he could "train the horse better" than she was.

By her own words, OP says she specifically told him no spurs and he disregarded that boundary she tried to put in place.

By her own words, OP says horse was injured as a direct result.

And by her own words, OP says he refuses to own his part of it.

From what the OP herself has stated it's not a far stretch to assume her husband is being an egotistical jerk about the whole matter. Maybe it's out of character for him, we don't know. But in this case, yes, I feel comfortable making the assumption he's being a jerk about the situation. He could be a perfectly nice guy aside from this. Or this could be the type of behavior he displays all the time. We don't know unless she chooses to elaborate which is totally her decision.

I spent 5 years with a guy who displayed that kind of behavior on a regular basis. In my post I was merely empathizing as someone who's been there, done that. Hopefully her husband is just having a lapse of judgement and this kind of crap isn't something she has to put up with in all aspects of her marriage. I didn't go on a "tangeant" (sic) about porn, I merely relayed one of my own experiences that parallels what she just went through.

Hopefully this situation is the exception and not the norm in her marriage. Even so it doesn't excuse his behavior or unwillingness to apologize. He's being an ass and she's got every right to be mad.

[Donkerbruin]

I have to wonder if DH is an experienced rider. Obviously, he should have respected OP's wishes whether he is or not. If he is a good rider normally though, I would likely be a little less upset with him because he probably genuinely thought he could ride the horse with spurs, no problem. If he didn't know what he was doing and was trying to play cowboy, I'd be livid.

[Canaqua]

I dictate what I do with my possessions, toy, animal or otherwise. He does the same with his. It's not a mother/child relationship, it's two adults having respect for each other.

Yep, me too. Just because we are married does not mean that DH and I give up all rights to any control over our personal possessions. I'd no more imagine I could go mess with his special, old, trucks than he'd imagine he can go mess with any of my horse related stuff. It's a mark of respect (for him and things that are important to him) to ask permission to use, and then follow any specific instructions I'm given as to how to use, anything that is "his" as opposed to "ours"...emotionally and practically, if not technically legally. I expect the same courtesy and respect in return and I pretty much always get it. I'd be pretty angry about anything else.

[Horsie]

Maybe I missed it, where did the OP explain that her husband fall into the category of having much less experience in this case?

And how respectful is it to play mom and dictate what your husband is allowed to do with your toys?

1. A horse is not a toy, it's a living, breathing animal that feels pain and distress

2. I dictate what I do with my possessions, toy, animal or otherwise. He does the same with his. It's not a mother/child relationship, it's two adults having respect for each other.

Beat me to it. Since the OP said her husband normally rides a push-button horse, I think it's safe to assume he has less experience. Anyway, I didn't say that her husband has much less experience, I said that mine does and therefore I feel his safety is my responsibility.

I don't mess with my husband's computer, iPad, CDs, car, bikes, clothes, restaurant leftovers, or anything else we both consider to be "his," without his permission. He doesn't mess with mine (like my horse) without asking me first. For things that we both share, including our dog, we have discussions about how things should be handled if something needs to be handled. Isn't that just being polite?

[pAin't_Misbehavin']

Maybe I missed it, where did the OP explain that her husband fall into the category of having much less experience in this case?

I inferred it from the fact that he normally rides a "push button" horse, and from his squalling after the wreck. See below:

He normally rides a push button paint horse.
<snip>

Throughout the whole ordeal, my husband has been loudly proclaiming that it was an accident and not his fault. While I agree it was an accident, I still think he should accept some blame for what happened. He has now turned to blaming me saying that if my horse was better trained and not so spoiled, this never would have happened.

[Long Spot]

No, you're supposed to just be ok with that.

Stop with the misandry, already.

Sorry. I forgot myself for a moment.

[JackieBlue]

well, but (hopefully) that WAS an actual accident.
That's entirely different than what happened- what happened was the DH was completely disrespectful of the horse owner's wishes and opinions. To the point of injuring the animal.
Not a person I'd want to have a relationship with- someone who pays no attention to your opinions, thoughts, and advice about how your own animal should be treated? well, and if that's his attitude, do you think he pays any attention to her opinions, thoughts, and advice about how SHE wants to be treated? doubt it.

OMFG. Are you freakin serious? From one little story about a HORSE, you know ALL that about the OP, her husband and their marriage? REALLY? Project much?


Maybe I'm alone in this camp, but as CRRRRRAAAAAAZZZZY as I am about my horses, I'm a HELL OF A LOT MORE crazy about my husband. He always jokes that he knows the horses come first and I play along with that joke myself. All the while knowing that he's my Number One. If that weren't true, I sure as heck would never have married the guy! Maybe that's why this whole thread seems a tad.....off to me.

[Horsie]

By her own words, OP says it was a case of male ego..

But that doesn't mean it WAS a case of male ego. It's dismissive and judgmental to say that, and is also jumping to conclusions without the husband's side of the story. I'm bristling at all these assertions that it was "testosterone poisoning" or other macho/male problems because I would be just as upset if this was a message board full of men blaming their wives for crying all the time, having raging PMS, or otherwise being too emotional. I feel it's the equivilant of one man complaining about his wife being hormonal, and a whole bunch of other men chiming in with stereotypical, sexist ideas.

[meupatdoes]

OMFG. Are you freakin serious? From one little story about a HORSE, you know ALL that about the OP, her husband and their marriage? REALLY? Project much?


Maybe I'm alone in this camp, but as CRRRRRAAAAAAZZZZY as I am about my horses, I'm a HELL OF A LOT MORE crazy about my husband. He always jokes that he knows the horses come first and I play along with that joke myself. All the while knowing that he's my Number One. If that weren't true, I sure as heck would never have married the guy! Maybe that's why this whole thread seems a tad.....off to me.

Well of course, just because your husband treats you and your horses with respect that obviously means that everyone else's does too.

If OP would just have a husband as awesome as yours she wouldn't be having these problems, duh.

[JackieBlue]

And regardless of how YOU would train the OP's horse Frank Madden-style IF IT WERE YOURS, or how the OP's husband would train the horse OP-husband style IF IT WERE HIS, the fact is that the horse is NOT yours or his, and NEITHER OF YOU should be giving the OP little lectures or storied anecdotes on the use of spurs with her own G-D- horse unless she asks.

I don't think the title of the thread is "Should I use spurs with my horse" unless my reading comprehension is really failing.

Let her have her own little kingdom with HER OWN HORSE without talking down to her about how YOU would do it and why YOUR WAY is so much better and how she should just shut up and let EVERYONE ELSE try out their training ideas on HER horse and not make a peep about it.

Nah, I didn't talk down to her or to anyone else. And I never said she should ride her horse with spurs. Sharing stories happens a lot on this board. I think it's kind of supposed to. I never said anything about "my way" or what I would do with that horse. I never said my way was so much better. I mean, how could I have? I never said what my way is. I never said anything about trying out everyone else's training methods......
Now that I'm thinking about it, your post above really makes no sense? Where did I do ANY of the things you accused me of in all your screamy caps? Strange.

[oliverreed]

It isn't actually misandry to expect men to treat their wives and the things that are important to them with respect.

When someone asks another person not to use spurs on their horse, ONCE should be enough. They said it, so respect it. Don't dismiss them and do whatever the eff you want anyway and then tell them it's THEIR fault when you dismiss or ignore their request and the situation blows up as a result.

This. Really, people. He showed a total lack of respect for his wife and now is childishly blaming her. It is not unreasonable to assume that this kind of behavior possibly carries over into other aspects of their relationship.