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Should I be mad at my husband? UPDATE 148: The horse will be okay!

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  • #21
    I'd be angry but angry at myself for allowing it to happen. My husband took my horse as pack horse on a high hunt trip a few years ago. Without going into detail, while on the way to the camp, my horse got severely hurt that they had to cancel their trip and get him home as quickly as possible to have the vet out. Was I angry? No, not really. DH felt horrible and took total responsibility for putting the horse into the situation in the first place. Luckily horse did not suffer any permanent career ending damage but it could have gone the other way as well.

    Glad your horse is okay.
    Yogurt - If you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Steven Colbert

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    • #22
      Originally posted by MR View Post
      Sounds like you were there to see all this. And yet, you just watched as your husband got on a horse he doesn't normally ride, WITH spurs on, and just let him do "whatever"? Why didn't you control what he did with the horse? Why didn't you stop him before he go on with the spurs?
      I can answer this if it was my hubby and I.
      Because.
      Yes, because.
      I love my hubby. He is a great guy. But he is what he is.
      Several times things have happened having to do with subjects I clearly know more about than he does because he is sure he knows better than I do and there really is no way to convince him otherwise.

      I can guess how this would go at my house.
      I would tell him no spurs, he would say they are fine. I would say 'no, really, no spurs' and he would again tell me that they are fine, he is not going to take them off his boots, they are fine there and then some story about him knowing what he is doing, and one does not have to use spurs just because they are on their boots and aren't I the one who is always saying how people need to be prepared with all their tools, etc. (Scary long run on sentence.)


      It is not like the OP can stop him mid spur anyway. Sure, the OP allowed him on her horse with spurs on. It is her husband. That seems more than reasonable. The OP had no way of knowing her husband was going to be stupid once he got up there.

      Originally posted by Kwill View Post
      I think you will have to leave it alone, and just move on. No point in trying to assess blame. DH is never going to admit he was wrong.

      Sorry about your horse.
      This.

      Comment


      • #23
        I realize this is a horse board, but you do seem much more concerned about your horse's health than your husband's.

        I am with MR -- my husband complains bitterly about the horse expenses, but at least he only goes to the barn once a year.

        Clearly there was something going on last night with you two, which caused him to decide to ride your horse his way. Sounds like a power struggle, and poor horse got in the middle.

        Kinda like what happens with kids, sad to say.

        Hopefully you can leave your issues at home, but it doesn't sound like it.

        It really was an accident, anyway. A preventable one, of course.

        Comment


        • #24
          Originally posted by AlterSkeleton View Post
          He was told no spurs. Multiple times. He even knows that I don't ride with them because he has seen me get off multiple times, go to the tack room, grab one of the pairs I keep there, and put them on.

          The riding was a case of male ego. He had an idea that he could (for lack of a better word) 'force' my horse to do some training things that we've been coming along slowly on. (And coming along slowly was fine with me...we were making progess)

          He has a extremely hard time admitting he is wrong and he also has an extremely hard time seeing me upset.
          Is it safe to assume either you didn't see it happen and therefore didn't know he had the spurs on, or did see it happen and he simply gave you the "now little wifey, I know what I'm doing and you can't stop me from riding in spurs?" Neither of those scenarios would surprise me, and I wouldn't place blame on you for either one.

          I know what it's like being in a relationship with one of those big ego type of guys. Went through it myself, you should have seen the blow-up that ensued when I confronted my computer-illiterate ex who didn't even know how to clean out the browsing history (and swore he never looked at porn) about the dozens of hard-core porn sites in my brand new laptop's history and some nasty viruses on my hard drive. He never would cop to being responsible in spite of the fact the computer was only 2 days old and he was the only one that had access to it.

          I dunno what to tell you. Hopefully you'll have better luck dealing with your man, I got fed up and sent mine packing. Just wasn't enough room in our relationship for him, me and his gigantic ego. I hear they are quite happy together without me.

          Comment


          • #25
            Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
            Maybe you should read the post where OP says he blatantly, willfully diregarded what the OP told him to do.
            To me it sounds like she told the husband "no spurs" and then allowed him (possibly months after telling him "no spurs") to get on her horse with spurs.

            Unless she was saying, "No spurs" while watching him ride with spurs, and trying to get him to ride the way she wants him to ride for the sake of her horse, then I feel it's her responsibility. Watching her husband mosey along with spurs and then causing an accident and assigning blame after the fact seems childish.

            I wasn't there, so I don't know.

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            • #26
              Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
              Maybe you should read the post where OP says he blatantly, willfully diregarded what the OP told him to do.

              The OP did imply that, but we weren't there. IF it had gone down like that, her post would have been, "OMG! I TOLD him no spurs, but he insisted. I tried to keep him from getting on with spurs, but he willfully thrust me aside. I told him DON'T USE those spurs at any time and he gouged Horsie and here's what happened." Or something like that. From her OP, it is clear that she didn't have a problem until the accident occurred. Which was just that. An accident. She was there, she knew what was going on, she witnessed the entire event and allowed it to continue. Now she has the aftermath to deal with and assigning blame is rarely productive.
              But, for some it does seem like an Olympic level hobby, so....as you were.
              "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
              http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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              • #27
                The man should apologize profusely, pay the vet bills, and never touch the horse again; if he can't act like a reasonable person and tries to excuse his poor behavior in both engaging in the act and not acknowledging his faults because of "male ego" or some other such crap excuse, well, show him where the door is. Life is too short to spend it with bad men.

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                • #28
                  i guess you learned that Hubby will no longer be riding your horse.

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    Originally posted by Nezzy View Post
                    i guess you learned that Hubby will no longer be riding your horse.
                    Yes. I think this is the best result of this.



                    All you who say that the OP should have not let him get on with spurs (if the OP was actually there when it happened), how do you do that? Body block your husband? Yank your horse away and drag it back to its stall? Beg and cry?

                    I was taught you always ride with your tools. I pretty much always carry a crop when I ride. Sometimes I need it, mainly I do not. But it is there when I need it.

                    Getting a horse where spurs/crop are not needed is not a strange and obtuse idea. No rule says you have to use every tool in your box when you are on.
                    If my husband said 'not going to use them' I would believe him. I would see no reason to body block him and have a tantrum and drag my horse away.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Yikes . . . there's a whole lotta misandry goin' on . . .

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        hmm, the OP is mad at DH. So the question is really moot.


                        And I would like to see the other side of the story....

                        alas, since the COTH populous seems to think that husbands are to be kept away from horses or only allowed to ride the lesser 'husband horse' variety.....

                        DH made a booboo on the horse of DW (dear wife, as the pendant, I guess it can be defined as other as well, depending on content )

                        Manure happened, the horse is sore now.

                        Maybe he did not do anything wrong and the crap just hit the fan for no reason. Horses have been known to self destruct under bubble wrap.

                        Maybe DH did think he could better train horsie than wifey could.

                        But to me it seems she done already blew up at him, putting the man on the defensive. And in turn we all know a good one is a good offense.

                        In reality he probably feels bad, since pretty much most macho men who deal with animals have that hidden soft spot for the critters (or they would do cars)

                        Step back and breathe. What's done is done. try to step forward from the incident, don't let it be a festering boil in the relationship.

                        and frankly, who pays the vet bill ought to be inconsequential in a marriage.
                        It's in most marriage vows...

                        happy healing to the horse.

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          Ain't marraige fun? I am a 20 year vet ... there's things you can change and there's things you can't. It's all about choices.

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Originally posted by wendy View Post
                            The man should apologize profusely, pay the vet bills, and never touch the horse again; if he can't act like a reasonable person and tries to excuse his poor behavior in both engaging in the act and not acknowledging his faults because of "male ego" or some other such crap excuse, well, show him where the door is. Life is too short to spend it with bad men.

                            Well, there you have it. Not only should you be mad at him, but you need a divorce - PRONTO!

                            This board never ceases to amaze me.


                            My husband accidentally poisoned my dog with ant bait once. She was trembling, ataxic, drooling. It was HORRIBLE! A few visits to the vet and one very expensive call to Poison Control and she's fine now. NEVER ONCE did it occur that I should be angry with him. He was trying to kill ANTS. Not my dog. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I knew he felt lower than low, but he didn't say much and I didn't make him grovel. What could he possibly have said that would've made the situation any easier? Would a pound of flesh have insured the dog's recovery?? He's my husband. My very best friend in all the world. In many ways I know him better than he knows himself, so I didn't need him to profusely apologize or suck up to me. In fact, I didn't even want him to because I knew he was hurting even worse than I was knowing that he'd hurt my beloved little dog AND me. In fact, I repeatedly tried to comfort HIM by telling him, "I KNOW you didn't mean to leave any poison where she could get to it. I KNOW you love me and Doggy, too. Please believe that I'm not upset with you. I'm just upset."

                            OP, if you have to ask a BB if you should be mad at your husband b/c he accidentally caused injury to your horse, I agree with those who say that you have much bigger fish to fry than whose fault it is that Horsey got hurt.
                            "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                            http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Originally posted by Alagirl View Post
                              and frankly, who pays the vet bill ought to be inconsequential in a marriage.
                              It's in most marriage vows...
                              How other people pay their bills might not be how you do it.
                              There are happily married people with separate finances.

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Originally posted by JackieBlue View Post
                                Well, there you have it. Not only should you be mad at him, but you need a divorce - PRONTO!

                                This board never ceases to amaze me.
                                I'm with you. Wow.
                                www.Somermistfarm.com
                                Quality Hunter Ponies

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  Originally posted by trubandloki View Post
                                  All you who say that the OP should have not let him get on with spurs (if the OP was actually there when it happened), how do you do that? Body block your husband? Yank your horse away and drag it back to its stall? Beg and cry?
                                  So true. Ah, if only adults would always mind me when I tell them what to do, the world would be a better place.
                                  "Random capitAlization really Makes my day." -- AndNirina

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    Originally posted by Horsie View Post
                                    Yikes . . . there's a whole lotta misandry goin' on . . .
                                    It isn't actually misandry to expect men to treat their wives and the things that are important to them with respect.

                                    When someone asks another person not to use spurs on their horse, ONCE should be enough. They said it, so respect it. Don't dismiss them and do whatever the eff you want anyway and then tell them it's THEIR fault when you dismiss or ignore their request and the situation blows up as a result.
                                    The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                                    Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
                                    Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
                                    The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

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                                    • #38
                                      Originally posted by trubandloki View Post
                                      How other people pay their bills might not be how you do it.
                                      There are happily married people with separate finances.
                                      They might have different accounts, but when the roadapple hist the fan most people don't have their affairs separated via prenup, it's all still one pot under the law. it might make day to day operations easier....(not to mention we have enough unhappy couples where one person controlles he purse strings)

                                      But you missed my point entirely

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by Alagirl View Post
                                        hmm, the OP is mad at DH. So the question is really moot.

                                        That's what i was thinking as I was reading. That the title doesn't really match the actual question. OP, I get more of a sense that you want to know if it's OK to be mad at your husband (because you have those feelings), or if you have a right to experience the anger feelings you are feeling.

                                        Of course you are going to be upset. But you need to ask yourself if there is something to be gained by hashing it out with him and if so, what way are you going to approach it. Only you know your husband so only you know that answer. Of course you know you were right. Is there something to be gained by getting a chance to say "I told you so"?

                                        I would suggest though that if this is something that is going to simmer and cause resentment if you hold it in, you'd better find a way to have a discussion with him about it and a way to tell him that the incident was upsetting but the way he is handling it afterwards is hurtful to you.

                                        I'm so sorry your horse got hurt. Hope he is 100% soon.

                                        ETA: I don't intend to come off as high and mighty. Rest assured that if I were in your shoes, I WOULD be having a long discussion with my husband about it. And he'd know for sure he did something really stupid that had a nasty outcome that could have been even worse and that it will take me a while to forget he so blatantly treated my horse and my opinion with such disregard.
                                        "Aye God, Woodrow..."

                                        Comment


                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by JackieBlue View Post
                                          My husband accidentally poisoned my dog with ant bait once. She was trembling, ataxic, drooling. It was HORRIBLE!
                                          I'm guessing you didn't ask him several times to please not put ant bait in any place where the dog could get it and he said, "Psh, stop being silly" before the poisoning happened though.
                                          The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                                          Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
                                          Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
                                          The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

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