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Past leaser wants contact with my horse - WWYD?

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  • Past leaser wants contact with my horse - WWYD?

    Got this horse last year. He is wonderful. He was underweight a bit and in need of dental work when I got him, now he's all squared away. Owner supposedly sold him on because she was over her head with too many horses and couldn't give him the level of care he deserved. All well and good.

    I have become Facebook friends with the owner, who attends the same shows as me. She probably mentioned me and my horse to the previous leaser - and gave her my phone number.

    The previous rider/leaser (a young teenager) called and left a message saying she missed my horse so much, would just like to hear how he was doing. This, 8 months after I bought him.

    I called her and gave her the updates on his progress, his lifestyle, and our work together. At the end, she asked timidly if it would be possible for her to come and see him sometime? I told her to look me up on Facebook and I would get back to her.

    I think she truly does miss him - who would not, he is a wonderful horse - but I'm not sure how comfortable I feel about the meet and greet. She is just a young teen, can't drive herself, so it's not like she can get a lot of access to him...should I arrange a meet and greet?

    I would like to be compassionate about this, but I also want to ensure that it's limited - for instance, I'm not planning on offering her to ride him - ever. If this visit brings her closure, that'd be great, but if it opens up a can o' worms and prevents her from going on to the next horse, that won't be so great.

    WWYD? Again, keep in mind, this is a young person who can't drive herself, so not much risk that she can just 'show up' to visit the horse without a lot of trouble. She lives about 30-40 minutes away. I have been in her position myself, but I'm an adult and have a lot of old-fashioned notions about what's proper in such situations. A starry-eyed youngster might see it differently, and I don't want drama.

  • #2
    If you show i would offer her to see him at a local show at this and this location. This way she can arrange to come see him while at the same time you aren't worrying about her randomly showing up at your place or where he is at when she does learn to drive.
    Did you know, today is yesterdays tomorrow and what you would leave for tomorrow you should do today?
    I am pro-Slaughter


    • #3
      I would just say no. It could turn into her regularly wanting to see the horse. Tell her you will post regular update on Facebook so she can see how he's doing.


      • #4
        She is a minor, contact her parents, see what they think of this situation, then go from that.

        They may be people that don't have boundaries, anything they want, why not ask for it, without any other considerations.

        As you say, your call, to be compassionate to an emotionally charged request from a clueless teenager, or to see where you go with this, according to how you feel about your own boundaries and privacy needs.


        • #5
          Im with Kitari - Meeting at a show takes out your residence and the possibility she would ask to ride. Im not very good at saying no so would not open myself up to the opportunity to have the ride question come up.

          Maybe she does need closure? Who knows, I think a brief meet and greet at a show wont hurt anyone.

          I never would have found her on FB though


          • #6
            I like the idea of her seeing him at a show - it's public anyway and she won't know where he lives. It will also provide you with an opportunity to meet her and see her reaction to him. If she is waytooattached you'll probably be able to tell.

            If she is just concerned for him and wants to know he's landed well, then good for her! I agree, a conversation with the parents could be very enlightening too, and probably a requirement before offering any sort of meet up.

            The above post is an opinion, just an opinion. If it were a real live fact it would include supporting links to websites full of people who already agreed with me.



            • #7
              I'm with everybody else who is suggesting meeting her at a show.

              She may very well just be an attached teenager... I don't think that she meant any harm or offense in asking to come see him. She is young, and probably doesn't understand. She probably doesn't have a good handle on the 'game' yet, and the first horse that you move on from can be tough for some people.

              I'd post on your facebook the next time you plan on being at a show, if you two are friends that way and then if she wants to show up and see her old horse, she can.

              I still like to see how my old guys are doing and if I know that they will be showing in the area, I enjoy going to watch to see how they are doing. I don't think that there is any harm in it.


              • #8
                Like many others, I would only offer that you will be at such and such show and she can stop by and watch you show him.

                I was a horse crazy young teen once and I remember horses coming and going and how devastated I was after each horse left... but guess what, I got over it when I realized the horse wasn't coming back. I think this is a lesson the kid needs to learn. Coming and seeing him at your farm will not make the situation any easier for her.


                • #9
                  Show grounds = Neutral territory which is a wonderful thing.


                  • #10
                    I have personally been through a really uncomfortable situation.. only I could understand it better if it had been a child/teenager. My situation was a grown woman somewhere in her 50's.

                    I had bought the horse from her and had her daughter bring him the 2 hours to my place, that was my first mistake.. they had offered to trailer him for cheaper than I could get anyone to do it locally. The horse in question was a green broke miniature gelding, who was a real angel. He was a sweet little fellow so I can see why she had been attached, but she sold him.. that made him mine. This woman called my mother's house phone regularly for MONTHS afterwards. She would call just to see how his day had been.. my poor mother was starting to get a little worried when she started asking if they could just drop in next time they were in the area, maybe take him for a little drive (I had him broke to cart). That would be a big NO on my part... she never has stopped calling randomly.. and I sold the horse years ago.. She knows he was sold, and tried to get the new owners contact information from me, which I refused.

                    Last time she called was a few months back, asking for the new owners contact info and his registration numbers, since she had forgotten his registered name and numbers... I will never encourage this behavior again. I realize this woman was a nutter.. but I am super sensitive to the line "Oh, I used to be said horse's groom/trainer/owner/leasor, can I come visit?" My answer to that question now is usually something along the lines of "You will see us around!"


                    • #11
                      If you could arrange to meet her at a show as suggested, that would be great.

                      If not, maybe allow her a very supervised visit.

                      I think most of us can remember being that age and in LOVE with a certain horse. I know my heart broke when my neighbor sold her POA that I had learned to ride on and rode regularly for several years (it didn't matter to me that I was outgrowing him), and I would have given anything at that time to see him once more.
                      Founding Member of "I Kept 'Off Topic Day!' Open"


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Bluey View Post
                        They may be people that don't have boundaries, anything they want, why not ask for it, without any other considerations.
                        She did ask.. To me, "No Boundaries" typically starts with not asking.

                        This isn't directed at you Bluey, but Jeesh, how do you all with such strict boundaries ever make friends?


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by SmartAlex View Post
                          She did ask.. To me, "No Boundaries" typically starts with not asking.

                          This isn't directed at you Bluey, but Jeesh, how do you all with such strict boundaries ever make friends?
                          No kidding! I certainly don't think asking oversteps any boundaries! It doesn't hurt to ask, right?

                          OP, for the girl to see the horse at a show, would be perfect. Otherwise, maybe one visit, no riding.

                          Who knows, maybe in the future you will be looking for a part- leasor, and you could contact this girl?
                          Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


                          • #14
                            I think meeting at a show is a great idea. I feel for the OP, after all this wasn't solicited by you and HELLO, the old owner gave your info without your consent! UGH (that annoys me more than anything!) But I also feel for the young teen, only because I know quite a few teens where horses are their only outlet from an otherwise pretty crappy homelife. Not saying its the same for this girl, but you never know. I think letting her see the horse at the show to get some closure would be a nice thing, just make it clear to her that that will be the extent of it (unless, of course you decide you're okay with taking it further)


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by LLDM View Post
                              I like the idea of her seeing him at a show - it's public anyway and she won't know where he lives. It will also provide you with an opportunity to meet her and see her reaction to him. If she is waytooattached you'll probably be able to tell.

                              If she is just concerned for him and wants to know he's landed well, then good for her! I agree, a conversation with the parents could be very enlightening too, and probably a requirement before offering any sort of meet up.

                              Ditto on what LLDM has said. It would be my concern that if she knew where you live she might become the uninvited guest (even if she doesn't drive yet). Personally, the previous owner should have given you her phone number and allowed you to call her if you wanted. Giving out your phone number to the girl was not the best thing to do.

                              Meet in a public venue i.e. horse show, coordinate with her parents and make it known that this is a one time deal unless you desire differently. It may be that the parents don't want her getting back into horses for some reasons, they might feel that her seeing the horse again would only start up something they might not be financially able to do at this time etc. Talk to the parents first, also talk to the previous owner and let her know not to give out your phone number.
                              "My treasures do not chink or gleam, they glitter in the sun and neigh at night."


                              • #16
                                I think I might differ from most people here. The last place I'd want that kind of a reunion is at a show. I want to focus on the showing and the routine, not wonder if the girl is still petting my horse at his stall when I have to take him out. And I don't want to worry about what she thinks when watching me warm up, etc.

                                I don't think I'd have a problem with a young teen *timidly* asking to come visit the horse she used to ride. And I don't think that teaching a young teen that horses "come and go" is a life lesson they need to learn at that time. I'd want to help her out!!!! For more info, I'd facebook message the former owner and find out about the girl before contacting her.

                                I'd tell the girl that, while you normally don't allow visitors on your property, you'll make the exception one time just for her. This approach already tells her that this is a *one time* deal. You can tell her that you have mean guard dogs, a mean husband, trained killer bees on the property, an evil curse that affects only teens, whatever if it comes up. Second, I'd have this same conversation with her parents, who will have to drive her over. I'd say that you are a very private person, have mean dogs, mean husband, don't like it when the aura of your land is changed by visitors, whatever, but you'd be happy to let her visit ONCE and take pictures. There's always injury liability that you can invoke. You can also say that the horse is in training for shows and you'd prefer no one else rides, etc. if you want.

                                Call me an optimist, but I don't think it's too difficult to make the kid's day by letting her visit the horse while explaining that the horse has a new job and a new life now but you're grateful for the care she *used* to give him.

                                Just an alternative point of view.
                                Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


                                • #17
                                  Count me in on the "come see him at a show" crowd. I remember being heartbroken when my favorite summer camp horse was sold when I was a kid.
                                  I'd have loved to have gotten to go see him compete and know he was being treated well.

                                  I do agree that you need to talk to her parents. Just tell her, "We can possibly arrange something, but I need to speak with a parent first, is someone home I can talk to?" If not, ask her to have a parent call you. Once you have permission, invite her out.

                                  I'd just say, "We're showing at such and such a series, and you're welcome to come watch him anytime. If you let me know which show you'll be coming to, we can meet up and you can visit with him, and I'll show you what I've been doing with him. I do ask that you wait until after his last class to come visit with him as we both need to focus on the show. I'm sure you know he just loves carrots, why don't you bring him a few?"

                                  Shows are public anyway, so she could show up anytime, especially since she knows former owner and knows you show at the same places. But if you invite her and let her know the boundaries ahead of time, you can avoid something like her running up to your horse in a crowded warm-up ring and throwing her arms around his neck.

                                  But if she's as young as you say, taking a few minutes as you're packing up after the show to let her visit the horse and maybe talk to her about what you're doing and about her riding/interests, etc. Would probably make her feel a whole lot better about the situation. Heck, depending on where you show and her experience level, you might wind up with a great show helper.

                                  Given the world these days, my motto has become that if you can be a positive influence on a child, whether it's for 10 minutes or 10 years, do it, because you might be the only one who will.


                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by SmartAlex View Post
                                    She did ask.. To me, "No Boundaries" typically starts with not asking.

                                    This isn't directed at you Bluey, but Jeesh, how do you all with such strict boundaries ever make friends?
                                    Well, having been on the receiving end of people without boundaries and ending up stalkers, yes, I am wary of people asking to come see a horse they knew, without being invited to after getting first a bit more acquainted with them.

                                    I even have them ask for items in my house, because they "loved" them, even a cabinet.

                                    Especially with a minor being involved, I would not do anything without consulting with the parents first, be sure they are aware of what their kid is doing.

                                    Then, once the parents are on board, do whatever all of you decide is best, when you know more about what the family is and where this may go.

                                    There have been some good solutions, saying she can keep track from the pictures and stories on Facebook is a great one to keep the kid informed and at a distance, if that is best, until it finds another to interest it.

                                    If, once you know the family better, you want to further contact with the kid and the kid with you and your horse, then is a better time to make such decision, when you have more to go by.


                                    • #19
                                      Originally posted by Bluey View Post
                                      I even have them ask for items in my house, because they "loved" them, even a cabinet.
                                      We have one neighbor who, when he comes to visit, cannot resist looking behind doors, opening closets, drawers, you name it And I'm not talking about a peak in the medicine cabinet when he's using the bathroom. I'm talking roaming about the house . I live in fear of the day he makes it into my bedroom


                                      • #20
                                        I wouldn't. At all. Too much of a chance of it turning into a can of worms. I would tell the teen and her parents that you need time to bond with your new horse without interference, and leave it at that. Be sure you personally speak to both parents and let them know exactly where you stand. Because you can't convince me that all this teen wants to do is come and look at her former mount; no one expects Mum or Dad to drive her 40 minutes just to pet Dobbin on the nose. She's wanting to renew the lease situation, and this is the first step; I'd bet you next month's mortgage payment on it.

                                        I would be leery of the showgrounds meeting for the reasons that J-Lu presented, especially since you don't have an established show routine with this horse yet. So nip that in the bud, too.

                                        In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                                        A life lived by example, done too soon.