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Need a little feedback

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  • Need a little feedback

    It's kinda OT for OT, but hey...

    a short scene out of a story I am trying to write down. It's only been years since I started....

    At a show, the heroin 'Lily' observes a sorry ride of the crank and spank variety, but barn politics keep her from talking to the stewards.
    She (and other people) walk away from the ring. 'Bethany' is one of the barn girls.
    She didn't pay attention to the commotion coming from the barn until a very angry woman appeared in front of her. The polished boots had collected a coat of dust. The woman was perfectly dressed for the show. But Lily could not take here eyes of the short bat that was angrily tapping against the shaft of the boots.
    Surprised Lily gazed up into a red face, but the whip held her attentions.

    “HOW DARE YOU” the angry woman screeched at Lily.
    “Pardon?” Lily tore her eyes of the whip as it tapped a wild staccato on the shoe leather.
    “How dare you smear me like that with the stewards!” The face was unladylike like distorted by rage.
    “I saw you pointing at me!” hate propelled spittle in lily's face.
    “I apologize, it is not polite to point” Lily tried to figure out why this angry woman was standing in front of her.
    “Oh shut the f*** up” the woman stepped closer yet. Uncomfortable Lily scooted back on the tail gate.
    “you black balled me!” the woman screeched.
    Lily looked around, hoping for Grant would return. The one sided confrontation had caught the attention of the people in the barn. Slowly they stepped closer, trying to see what was going on.

    “I have no idea what you are talking about, Ma'am” Lily tried her best customer service voice.
    “You talked to the GD steward!” the woman screamed at her.
    She was now close enough to touch Lily.

    “Leave her alone!” Bethany came running out of the barn, followed by two other girls who darted off in different directions.
    “Shut up bitch!” the angry woman spit at her.
    “lily didn't call anybody” Bethany insisted.

    “You's thick as thieves, aren't you” the woman now turned her anger towards the girl.
    “If you mean because we hate shitty trainers, damn straight” Bethany countered.
    “But we didn't turn your sorry ass in” she was not the least bit afraid. “maybe somebody else couldn't stomach your riding!”

    Paralyzed lily watched as this woman jumped on Bethany with a mad scream. Suddenly two bodies were rolling in the dust before bystanders could separate them. It took two men to pull the angry woman off of Bethany.
    too over the top?

    (edited not to offend sensible minds. I forgot about the strong language)

  • #2
    That depends. Are you going for the equestrian version of Harlequin Romance? If so, then no.


    • Original Poster

      LOL, not really that hot and steamy.

      naturally the heroin gets the cute guy.

      But romance is not supposed to be the main focus.


      • #4
        Originally posted by Alagirl View Post

        naturally the heroin gets the cute guy.
        Heroine. I was willing to let it go once, but not twice!

        From a purely editorial standpoint: do you have a time table/chart/graph/whatever works best for you in terms of where this story is going? It seems like it could be over in four pages....you would definitely have to beef it up a bit more for it to become anything close to novel length.


        • Original Poster

          Originally posted by GoForAGallop View Post
          Heroine. I was willing to let it go once, but not twice!

          From a purely editorial standpoint: do you have a time table/chart/graph/whatever works best for you in terms of where this story is going? It seems like it could be over in four pages....you would definitely have to beef it up a bit more for it to become anything close to novel length.
          LOL, that is only a really small part.

          the main character is a somewhat mousy girl, at a crossroads in her non eventful life. She sees a TV special about dancing horses and starts to take lessons

          Now we are filling in the blanks

          Trainer is cool, has an accident, is laid up for a while.
          trainer's brother takes over the operations, on top of his own business (he's the cute guy who gets the girl )

          now of course, that causes all kinds of stress (and some side trips into the girls past, blah blah)

          Anyhow, the the scene above happens as trainer is mending, the horse in question used to be one of her customers and all her barn crew gets mad...but behave.
          Somewhere along the line of the moral dilemma, when you do see abuse, do you step up....alright trainer's barn crew decides to not report the abusive rider, because that would look like they got mad at losing the client. but somebody else did (yeah, I know, like that would actually happen) and the bad rider snaps.

          if I put all of that in order, i think I get to novel length.

          of course the heroinE is a talented rider, just getting bit by the bug later in life. and she gets the good , cute guy (some a-hole jerk is also in the picture, as of now) but he has to work for it a little....

          A lot I want to put in, but I am leaving out as of now. We are talking WAR AND PEACE length

          I had originally wrote out a scene in which my noob main girl gets hysterically about hoof trimming and shoeing, but I wanted to slap her myself so bad....COTH census was to scrap the idea!

          So I am just wondering if the above scene is a bit to dramatic....the crazy psycho rider losing it at a show, in front of everybody...


          • #6
            Your instincts are correct. It's over the top.

            Show and don't tell. Your dialogue is effective enough, you don't need to use "screeched" (twice) which suggests a barn owl rather than a furious woman.

            This lady would be a lot more terrifying if she were cold as ice and made subtle threats.
            Ring the bells that still can ring
            Forget your perfect offering
            There is a crack in everything
            That's how the light gets in.