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What to do when...

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  • #1

    What to do when...

    ...your mom (or really any other parent/relative) acts like he/she knows more about horses and riding than you do even though they don't ride or care for horses and have confessed multiple times that they are not a horse person?

    Before you chew me out for being the immature teenager (that I probably actually am), here's the story:
    I've not been riding for too long (5 years), and I've only been a horse owner for less than 2 years. I'm very aware of the fact that I know...well, not that much. I don't see myself as an all-knowing fountain of pony knowledge. However I do think (I hope, anyway) that I have an appropriate level of knowledge for someone of my age and skill level...as in, I'm not completely oblivious or naive (i've had my moments though ).

    My mom has always supported my equine ventures, but she's said multiple times that she's just not a horse person. I understand that. I'm just glad she's supported me anyway. The problem is, she's recently started to get more involved. By recently I mean within the last month. And by more involved I mean she's finally starting to embrace the horse mom persona. Now, you're probably thinking "that's great! what's the problem?"
    Well.
    The problem is, she's starting to act like she knows more than me and she has all the right solutions to all my problems. I'm not saying she's a complete idiot. In fact, I'm glad she's trying to help and be more involved. But she's really only been doing this horse mom thing for a month and frankly, she's acting like she's been a horse mom the whole time I've been riding. (Just as a clarifier, prior to this she's been more of a mom with a daughter who rides and has a horse. If there wasn't a distinction between this and a "horse mom" before, I think she made it.) Anyway, the gist of this rant is that she's giving me advice, pointers, and general information that is not based on experience and it's quite frustrating because she's trying to shove it down my throat. Not only that, but she's telling me all this stuff as if I've never heard it before and just could not possibly comprehend it (this "stuff" is what i'm sure most or all of us have been told within our first month of riding or owning a horse. i.e. "if you're nervous the horse is nervous" and "the way the saddle fits the horse is just as important as the way it fits you"). I want to help my mom be more involved, but it's proving to be frustrating and difficult. I know that I'm not always going to be any more right than she is, but she won't even listen to me when I try to explain why certain things won't always be my best option ( her thinking is that her "extensive research" automatically trumps the things that I've learned from good trainers and my own experiences). How do you deal with this type of situation?
    Sorry for my teenager-esque internet rant . TIA.
    If i smell like peppermint, I gave my horse treats.
    If I smell like shampoo, I gave my horse a bath.
    If I smell like manure, I tripped.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    I'll take a stab, Dottie.

    First off, I see a lot hopeful in reading between the lines of your post. Your frustration is clear, but you also seem to have the ability to recognize that it might be out of propotion to the situation at hand (and to be fair, in your teens, "out of proportion" emotional reactions are normal! It's part of the hormonal changes and the process of training your brain, emotions and reactions ). Second, there seems to be genuine affection for and appreciation of your mother.

    So ... this is my advice, as someone who was a teen, who has taught teens and who has mother who can still push her buttons even after age 40!

    1) Remember that, like all people new to horses, your mom may be genuinely thrilled at this new knowledge. I am not a mother myself, but it does seem normal for a parent to want to share "new" knowledge with a kid who shares an interest in the same area. Keeping this in mind will help you maintain a bit more Zen in your reactions.

    2) Take your mom's advice at face value: She means to be helpful, genuinely so. So rather than snap, snark or sulk (not saying you do any of this--but all are natural reactions to unwanted advice), breathe, smile, and say something like: "Thanks for that reminder, Mom. It is important to remember that blahblahblah (repeat her reasonable advice back)." See? The phrasing gently lets her know that this is something you already know, but you are able to acknowledge her genuine effort to help.

    3) For advice that you are less certain about taking, you need a similar approach. Here, you have the perfect backup: your trainer. "Thanks, Mom; that is definitely something to think about. Before we change anything, though, I'd like to talk with Ms. Trainer; after all we both trust her to keep me and Ponykins safe, healthy and happy. I really value her years of professional experience. We're lucky to have such a great trainer, aren't we?"

    4) Be prepared to compromise, or even open to trying something different. Sometimes that research your mom does might turn up something new. And give her a few ... remember, she is super-excited about all this new-to-her horsey knowledge. If she suggests, say, a supplement or piece of tack that won't hurt anything, what is wrong with a "Hey, that sounds like a good idea, Mom." Trust me, even if you have not been aware of it, more experienced horsepeople have been doing this for you, and supporting your excitement as you learn. It's something we do for each other.

    5) Remind yourself that this is a great chance to practice calm, cool and collected responses to frustrating people and situations. You will need this skill set ... for school/friends, for work, even in your dealings with horses and (especially!) horsepeople! Getting ealy practice will give you an edge in life, so look at it like a lesson without stirrups. It sucks, it is hard, it causes pain ... but you suck it up and do it anyway because you trust it will make you a better rider/daughter/friend/employee/etc./etc. Your mom is a safe practice target. Even when you mess up, you have an infinite number of do-overs with no firings in the offing.

    6) Finally, accept that you will fail in this endeavor sometimes. Mothers push daughters' buttons. Fact of life. So be prepared to have a less-than-ideal response. Apologize if you cross a line, and move on. Just like when you make a mistake riding.

    Good luck, Dottie! I think you sound like a great kid, and you have a great mom, too.
    Equinox Equine Massage

    In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me invincible summer.     -Albert Camus

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    • #3
      I have one of those moms. She's a horse lover, sort of. Every movie, tv show, book etc involving horses, she's probably got it. Documentaries, that horse tv network. She'll watch it.

      Been on one horse in her life, before she had me and my brother, and he was an ornery little booger who took off with her.

      Sitting in on lessons and knitting, being a show mom, she got the learning like people get second hand smoke.

      And now that I'm grown and have horses in my backyard, have worked with several trainers independently, interrogated my vets, worked for a barn owner who was single handedly my biggest source of good knowledge ever..

      She still 'knows better'. I can't share photos/videos/stories without being told what I should do. Sometimes she has good ideas and I'll try them (sometimes they even work) but for the sake of our mother daughter relationship, I listen politely, store it away an never take it as her telling me how to do things like I don't know how to do them. (Did enough of that as a kid) I say thank you for the input, and we move on. Or, I just don't bring the horses up. Deep down I know she means well, and being my Mom didn't stop when I turned 18 (oh dear, a decade ago already!) and if it gives her a sense of purpose trying to continue to guide me, well, who am I to deny her that? Plus, sometimes she does throw out good ideas, since she has no invested interest or bias in the horses I'm working with.
      Owned by a Paint/TB and an OTTB.
      RIP Scoutin' For Trouble ~ 2011 at 10
      RIP Tasha's Last Tango ~ 2010 at ~23
      RIP In Sha' Allah ~ 2009 too young at 5

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      • #4
        Would it help to tell you that I am 31 and my father still tells me how to run my life? My mother is very good at reminding herself that I am no longer a 5 year old who knows nothing, but Dad, not so much.

        My father is great at general care, handy around the barn (likes to build things.....stalls, saddle racks, tack rooms etc), loves animals. He came to all my shows, helped do the last minute fly spraying / dirt wipe-off right before I went in the ring. BUT....he's not a rider, other than some casual trail riding years ago. When I was a teen doing the local 4H and western open shows, this was a source of lots of arguments.

        Dad tried SO hard to figure the whole riding and showing thing out, but could never quite get the details right. He gave my QH mare a bridle path more suited to an Arab or Saddlebred. One time I went to the bathroom before a showmanship class and returned to find that Dad had saddled my horse for me, wanting to help. He'd try to help me memorize my horsemanship patterns, and ask questions like "do you take the right lead or left lead for that jog circle?"

        As a teen, I was soooooo frustrated with him. I like to think on the spectrum of teen brattiness, I wasn't that bad. I won't say I never rolled my eyes and uttered some sarcastic reply. Though my parents made it pretty clear that riding and especially showing was a privilege, not a right, and that if I was going to have an attitude about it, they had plenty of other ways to spend their weekends. As an adult, I realize how lucky I was to have a dad who actually cared what I was doing and wanted to spend time with me.

        Do you have an instructor or trainer? Sometimes saying "Trainer told me to do x" can help, since you (or your mom) are PAYING for the trainer's advice. It makes no sense to pay the trainer and then not listen to their advice. Otherwise if it's not something that truly threatens your horse's well-being or your own, let it go. Just say "yes, Mom."

        Actually, when you're done with school and living on your own in a few years, saying "yes, Mom & Dad, I'll look into that" is a great technique for when your parents tell you to do things their way. When you pay the bills, you can do what you want, but it's still easier to just acknowledge that maybe they do have some good advice, rather than turning everything into a I'm right, you're wrong fight.

        FWIW, my father took care of my first horse after I had to retire her (I was in grad school out of state). He cried like a baby when she broke a leg in pasture and had to be PTS. This more than makes up for not knowing the difference between a trot and a canter.
        BES
        Proudly owned by 2 chestnut mares
        Crayola Posse: sea green
        Mighty Rehabbers Clique

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        • Original Poster
          #5
          Thanks for all the responses! I'll definitely keep your advice in mind
          If i smell like peppermint, I gave my horse treats.
          If I smell like shampoo, I gave my horse a bath.
          If I smell like manure, I tripped.

          Comment

          • #6
            Excellent advice so far, i just want to add that sometimes parents really want and need to feel relevant to their kids' worlds... or just relevant to something! It's hard to get older and watch your young kids grow up (I'm assuming here, but seems like a safe assumption!) And for your kids to be moving in their own directions. Parents can have a hard time nono longer being that go-to person for advice... that's a tough transition! It's like the phrase, once a mom, always a mom!

            Hang in there, take some deep breaths, follow the other great advice... and enjoy that, while your mom wasn't super involved in the other years, she's showing interest and enthusiasm now :-) that can be a wonderful source for what will become good memories, sharing a common interest/activity.

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            • #7
              I have a mom like this... i will definitly be watching this thread

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              • #8
                It doesn't matter how old you are parents always think of you as their kid, and think they know best. They will always add their two cents. So learn to grin, and just say "thanks mom." and continue going about your business. Try to schedule barn time when she can't be there. Or tell her that it makes you nervous to have her watch, and ask that she not be there during lessons, or when you jump.

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                • #9
                  Bwahaha, I can definitely relate! I lost my mom when I was 25 to cancer, but up until that time she was definitely the very involved horsie mom without a clue, even to the point where we ran a boarding barn (well, dad and I pretty much ran the barn and mom complained about the mud we tracked in!). She gave advice on everything from pulling weeds (we couldn't MOW them, we had to PULL them, and we had 25 freaking acres!). I learned to look on these as "zen moments." Oh yeah, and there was her constant advice on everything from feeding to riding - BUT, she did learn and actually became a pretty good armchair horsewoman from the experience, and REALLY enjoyed watching me show.

                  And oh how I miss her now!! But boy, did we fight like cats back then. I could have so used coloredhorse's advice back then!

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                  • #10
                    What I did...

                    I will be the first to say that my mom is awesome. She was a farm girl, so had an idea about livestock... but let's just say that to teenaged me, how you treat a dairy cow and how you train a dressage horse were worlds apart.

                    She sat through hundreds of lessons for both me and my sister (thank you, mom)

                    She bought the saddles/bits/horses recommended by our trainers (Thank you, Mom)

                    She took us to shows. (Thank you Mom)

                    Then she offered advice. No thanks mom.

                    So for mother's day my sister and father and I bought her a five lesson package with a local dressage trainer on our schoolmasters.
                    The advice stopped the moment she realized how hard riding is.
                    And now she takes weekly lessons on her very own schoolmaster and my sister, mother and i can all bond over our horse pursuits.

                    Best Mothers day gift that we ever gave her!
                    (this year she's getting a grazing muzzle for her fat pony. And a lesson)

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                    • Original Poster
                      #11
                      Oh dear lord...
                      Now my mom doesn't even want to try what my trainer...let me repeat that...my trainer is suggesting because she "already knows what the problem is because of observing how Dottie is."

                      I admit with much shame that it took all that I had to not scream "you're not a trainer so stop telling me how to deal with my horse!"

                      oy vey.
                      If i smell like peppermint, I gave my horse treats.
                      If I smell like shampoo, I gave my horse a bath.
                      If I smell like manure, I tripped.

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                      • #12
                        Just look at it this way: It's all EXCELLENT practice in diplomacy for when you grow up and have one of *those* managers.
                        ---------------------------

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by jetsmom View Post
                          It doesn't matter how old you are parents always think of you as their kid, and think they know best.
                          Yep. This year I'll be 33 and my mom will be 60, and while I love her dearly, she still drives me batty sometimes. Usually when she decides to be "helpful." Like when she decided to "clean" my truck and trailer. By removing my tools, tire gauge, and first aid supplies.

                          As you become more independent, it gets easier. You'll have the space to get away and have some breathing room, and when you're paying the bills, you get to call the shots a lot more. But your family will still make you want to pull your hair out from time to time.

                          And since you do still have a trainer, s/he may be willing to explain their reasoning for certain things to your mom. It'll be easier for her to listen to someone other than her kid. When my mom briefly decided she wanted to learn to ride, I had to send her to someone else for lessons because she absolutely would NOT listen to me.
                          "In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog."
                          -Edward Hoagland

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