upset daughter -- need advice!

[rocking horse]

Have you thought about a local 4-H or pony club that might have a girl that is in love with horses that can't afford to buy her own. You might be able to find someone willing to lease, not really wanting to do any heavy riding, that would help out with the expenses. This way he is still being spoiled and taken care of and he is still there for your daughter when she decides that she is ready to move him.

[Nauset]

I agree with the others, keep him if you are able to. Why not have your daughter recruit someone to excersise her horse while she's away? That way she'd have the peace of mind, knowing the person who's riding him, and she could keep him.

If I were in her shoes, and my parents wouldn't hold on to my horse for me, I honestly wouldn't go to the AF.

If she's worked so hard, why should her horse be sold and she be left horseless when she comes home? Doesn't make much sense to me..

$.02

[dab]

I would encourage your daughter to look into the options for horse ownership while she's in the AF -- I've been out since '88, so my info is not current, but when I was in there was a co-op barn at Lackland AFB (where I suspect she'll go for Basic Training) -- There's no way she could keep a horse while she's in Basic, but she can check out the barn while she's there and get to know some AF horse owners -- Also, in San Antonio you could lease horses by the hour at Fort Sam Houston -- That's where the Olympic pentathletes used to train when it was considered a military sport -- Doubt she could get to Fort Sam while she's in Basic, but if she's a linguist there were some language schools at Lackland, so there's a chance she might spend more time in San Antonio --

I didn't own a horse when I was on active duty, but I did ride at Fort Sam, and at the time they had lovely horses that were very affordable when leased by the hour --

A few years ago, I met an Army wife who bought a warmblood while they were stationed in Germany and was in the process of shipping it back to the states -- She took a few lessons from my trainer -- My trainer was concerned that this woman would only be in the area for a few years and she wouldn't end up being a long-term client -- She ended up encouraging the woman to ride with someone else because she didn't want to work with a client who might be gone in 2 years -- I'm not sure how often military horse owners run up against issues like this --

I had no problems like the gay issue mentioned above, and I wouldn't worry about it --

I would like to thank your daughter for serving -- I have a cousin on active duty in the Army right now, and her boyfriend recently earned a Purple Heart -- Her roomate's earned one too with an injury that disfugured her face -- It's not an easy time to be serving -- These young people deserve our support --

[Sarabeth]

She's an adult now. Let her make the decision, and be responsible for the bills if that her is choice.

.

[Timex]

if she's joining the AF, she'll be paid, and, from what i've seen of friend's paychecks from the aF and other military branches, paid decently. if she wants to keep him, she can help support him. pretty simple.

[dab]

from what i've seen of friend's paychecks from the aF and other military branches, paid decently.

-- That's debatable -- But you can check out pay rates for an E-1 (most junior enlisted rank) here --http://www.dod.mil/dfas/money/milpay/pay/Web%20Pay%20Ta...06%20-%20updated.pdf

[Victoria Farms]

Your daughter is trying to be responsible for the life she has nurtured thus far: from your description a horse who was already in danger of some horrors at an auction. Why would you want her to worry about him by sending him back to that potential?
We need MORE people like her who hang onto their horses even when it's less than convenient, and then perhaps the horrors of horse slaughter wouldn't be an issue.
Kudos to your daughter. I hope that you can afford to keep her horse so that she can have some consistency in her soon to be changing life.

[poltroon]

If she can pay for him, then great.

But I'm actually with Mom here.

This cute nice horse is going to be sitting around doing nothing for 2, 3, 4 years while daughter is growing up and making a life for herself. He'll be bored, out of shape, and at the end of it, unsellable - and four years older.

There are plenty of nice people out there who would care for him and give him a nice home just as she has. You don't have to be in a hurry to sell him, but why not 'pay it forward' and see if you can find a nice kid to love him?

It broke my heart to sell my horse when I went to college. But, I could not do both. My parents could not afford both, and I truthfully did not have the time. It was good for me to be freed from that responsibility. Instead of struggling to pay board I put that money in a 'horse account' for that someday when I would have time and money again. And, when my life was settled, I was able to lease and then buy another horse.

My mare was sold to me by another girl in college. She had also tried to keep her beloved horse, but she had no time and her finances were tight and both mom and daughter were heartbroken to sell her. I've had her for 10 years and now have her semi-retired on her very own farm. Former owner used the money and time to finish college and attend med school. It was win-win for all of us.

I would emphasize to her that there are other good people out there who would love the horse and who would take good care of him, given the chance.

However, it's hard to hear this when you're a teen. She might be better able to do it after she's served for a year and sees what she's got in terms of time and money and future plans.

[tlc]

I'm going to go the opposite way of most of my fellow respondants. Your daughter is now an adult, getting ready to move out on her own in a job that may make it impossible for her to keep/care for a horse for years. She needs to suck it up and resign herself to the fact that she must find a new home for her horse. AND it is up to her to do this, not Mom. Face it, military life is not conducive to horse ownership, particularly for lower enlisted folks. There is no guarentee of barn space on a military reservation and the Air Force don't pay the freight to ship horses overseas. Nor do new recruits get time of to care for their horses. Her first year to two years in the Air Force will be nothing but schools and moving around. She isn't going to be able to keep that horse.

[BeastieSlave]

Heck, I'd let my kid's horse be a pasture puff for a much lessor reason...

If it makes you feel better, you can save face and go with Louise's idea. Charge your daughter what it costs to keep her horse (I would just pass along costs, not charge "board") because you love the kid and don't want to add any more to the load she will already be carrying. It sounds like she'll have enough to worry about without worrying about her horse.

With a little distance and time away, it might not be so painful for her to consider other options for her horse.

[BelladonnaLily]

I think I've missed something. Where was the advice about gays and sexual harrassment solicited? Did the OP edit her post? I thought she asked for advice about selling or keeping her daughters horse?

[Cherry]

For one thing, I wouldn't mention selling the horse. Yes, it may become inevitable but for now can't you just table that discussion? It's obviously going to upset her when she already is being thrown some major life changing decisions. Let her know you will do everything in your power to keep the horse going while she gets settled. If it gets to be a drag later then you can talk about what to do about the horse at that time. Maybe she'll be in a better position to step up to the plate and will see she needs to make a decision to sell (or give away) for the good of the horse. If she really loves the horse she will suggest selling on her own and you won't end up looking like the bad guy.

I would call around and try to find a responsible 4-H kid or Pony Clubber that has someone guiding them and see if one of them might we interested in a free lease. That way the horse is being used, but hopefully not being abused. The horse will be off your premises (hopefully although it might be in the best interest for the horse to stay under your watchful eye) and one less thing for you to worry about although I would keep frequent tabs on the little fellow (given how some people's horses seem to disappear into oblivion). Try to place the horse with people you know, trust and respect! This should minimize your fears and lessen the need for intervention.

I really wish you luck in this venture.

[FalseImpression]

I could not sell the horse... maybe your daughter will come to see it as an option at a later date, but it has to come from her, not under "threat" from you. She can (and probably will be more than willing to) help with his expenses, but to try to make her see it "your way", you will only gain some space in the pasture but probably lose your daughter's respect and friendship.
My daughter has left for university (granted she is only 30 minutes away and comes back every weekend), but I am keeping her mare. She is boarded ($400 + tax a month) and even the thought of throwing her back in a field makes me uneasy. She cannot be ridden very much because of ringbone, but I cannot think of selling her. She would end up in bad hands since she is "useless". But my daughter loves her and I knew when I got her 5 years ago, that I would look after her for life... my daughter still works at the barn on weekends and holidays and helps pay farrier, supplements, etc.
And she is grateful, happy, focused on her studies because she knows her horse will be there every weekend.
It is well worth it.

[Therese]

Congrats to you for raising what sounds to be a very responsible daughter. And good luck to your daughter in her AF future.

You are both facing a very tough decision. ...this is going to be long...

If she's going enlisted to be a linguist, she'll be at Lackland in San Antonio for basic (8 weeks I think), and then either stay at Lackland or go to Monterey CA for language training (I'm pretty sure those are still the two big DLI training locations for linguists), then after no more than 18 months, she'll be off to another duty location. It may be a permanent assignment, or it could be more training.

For her first year or two on active duty, having a horse is going to be very tough. If you have the wherewithal to keep the horse at your place until she has her first permanent duty assignment, it would make her transition easier. On a much smaller scale, my parents kept my cat for me when I received my commission. I ended up leaving him with my parents because by the time I was in, finished with tech school, and a few other training trips, and got my first assignment, he was in his mid teens and I didn’t feel it was fair for him to move across country. But I was greatly comforted knowing they were watching him. If you can reach an agreement of pay for expenses/part leasing until she has settled and figured out just what she can do, that would be ideal.

I've been in the AF for nearly 14 years now, and I love it. I've never had any issues with harassment, and the overall sense of family makes it so much better than the corporate world.

Personally, I could not imagine having a horse for my first two years as a 2Lt. The cost, and the time, I know I did not have. Some bases do have stables, but they are getting fewer and fewer. Most are co-op where you have to do your own work. MWR is no longer running most of the stables; they are a private organization on base. The members do all the stable management.

I bought my horse when I was stationed in Germany. She’s moved with me to Tucson AZ, and now in DC. I’ve not been able to stay with a trainer for longer than 18 months at a time. It takes a lot of effort to find a decent stable, much less a trainer when you are moving every 3 (or less) years. For me, now that I can afford it, it is worth all the setbacks in training, searching for stables, and large unreimbursed moving expenses. When I was sent to the desert for nearly 6 months I had to spend a lot of money to put her in full training while I was gone. ...and I still worried about her.

This is a decision that you and your daughter have to make. No one on a B-board knows exactly your situation. If you want to PT me about my AF experience, feel free.

[Kate66]

I'm with Poltroon and tlc. Your daughter is growing up and leaving home. I feel that the fact that she is going to the army is not relevant, it's no different from going to University or leaving home and going to work in the city. She's leaving and that's that. She loves her horse and that is understandable but she also needs to be fair to the horse and to you. Letting him hang out for several years, during which time she could possibly lose interest or meet someone or not be in a position to take him back anyway, seems nuts to me. Sure, I wouldn't just pitch him out tomorrow, I would tell her that you will keep him (with her paying) until you can either find a good lease or a good home for him.

[CindyGen]

If I were your daughter and I were in the same situation, if it does not cost you dearly and take food out of your mouth to keep the horse until she comes home for him - well frankly I'd never forgive you for forcing me to sell him. You may stand to lose a lot more than pasture space.

[Traveler]

Worst thing you could do is force her to get rid of that horse if you want to have a good relationship with your daughter from now on. Horses are an obsession. These chatrooms and bulletin boards are filled with people who had to sell a horse and they are looking to find out what happened that horse. They are heartsick for years worrying about the horse. My daughter had friends whose parents got rid of their horses and things are never the same for them. If you value that relationship, I would not force her to anything with her beloved horse. You are walking on thin ice, Mom. I sucked it up and kept my daughter's horse through college, times when she ran short. She cared for him when she could which is most of the time. He is retired now in a pasture and my daughter loves and appreciates me for keeping her horse and not destroying that trust between us. You force the issue at your own peril!!!!!!!!

[jetsmom]

Belladonna- I was responding to Lizthe Nag's post warning her about it on pg 1.

[Frank B]

If possible, keep the horse for the time being and let her pay for the feed and expenses. You'll be surprised and how rapidly she will mature in the armed services, and begin to take a more realistic view of the situation.

[gazenna]

Wow... To me a sounds like your daughter has a heart of gold. Also sounds as tho that she really loves this horse with all her heart, and if she was my daughter I would want to leave with the confidance that her horse would would there for her when she came back home. There is no dought this little nice, sweet gelding is very special to her and not all horses are so lucky to be that loved, especially when they dont seem that special in someone elses eyes.

I have my daughters Arab mare here, and she is not an easy keeper, She can get costly at times, but I would never go against my daughters wishes and get rid of her. I also know that there are not many people that would consider my daughters mare anything special either, but my daughter is special to me and that in turn makes her mare special. Please consider keeping your daughters gelding for her, cause if you dont think he is anything special then there may be others who feel the same way, and you said he came from an auction, just think how horrible it would be for him to find his way to the auction a second time, and we all know where many end up once sold at the auction. Do this nice, sweet gelding a big favor and keep him not only for his sake, but your daughters.......Donna