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husband and I talked... about divorce

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  • Originally posted by sbock:
    ThreehorseNight- Boy you're good. You're right, .....It's hard to embrace somebody who wants you to give up what you love for their love.
    Well, try to look at it this way. (Assuming he isn't just doing this to try to be controlling, which is a whole 'nother issue.) At least he cares enough to tell you he wants to spend time together. Witness all those married people who never spend time together, never talk, just drift apart and end up miserable with each other! Work on it now while it's still workable!

    Believe me, it's taken many years of marriage to arrive at these thoughts. There were many times in my younger days when I was oblivious to all this. And in my very young days, I had the same thoughts as some of the other posters ("I wouldn't marry someone who I'd have to consult before buying a horse," I think, is a phrase that's been uttered here several times on other topics). But I realize now (after watching so many friends get divorced), that if you've got someone you do want to spend your life with, your lucky, and you'd better work at it -- 40 or 50 or 60 years is a long time for a marriage to last, and surely there are going to be some issues and some rough spots.

    Original poster, I'm sorry this has gotten so far off the topic of your issue. I hope you are getting some good advice somewhere here, and wish you well.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by sbock:
      And Trakehner, I think AP is being honest. She's outing her feelings to all of us and is reaching out for our help. Your apparent bitterness, however understandable, just isn't helpful - and neither is your judgmental tone. Surely you'd agree that ending a marriage, even a bad one, isn't as easy as your post seems to suggest. I'm sure it took a lot more than honesty for you to leave the princess.
      I didn't reply to AP in a bitter tone...I hold with the sentiment "if you aren't happy get out of the marriage". No minor children, they're both not happy, and she beleives she'd be happier single to do what she really is passionate about...why not?

      The one amazing thing I felt when I finally left was peace and a lack of "drama" (yep, I left the abusive spouse...lots of money and big house wasn't worth the unhappiness).
      "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

      Comment


      • I do believe that often the complaints about horses, dogs, money, whatever mask a deeper frustration about some other issue(s); in Mr. Beezer's case, it's that he has a lot of unrealized dreams.
        Yeppers.....those unrealized dreams are big time bummers in a relationship. Saw it in my father and see it in my hubby. Funny how things repeat themselves. Yet, the man 'who was never going to have a cat' now stands patiently while our new little barn kitty mews all the way into his office to plant herself on the towel he has put out for her to lie on. It is precious. I sometimes see him carrying her in there.

        So he has learned something from me, and I have learned from him. I am grateful. He took care of me and my horses thru a broken leg in 2004 and a broken ankle in 2005. I was amazed and appreciative. We say thank you to each other a lot more than we used to~!

        Marriage is not easy, but it is worth working for. EQ

        Comment


        • I'm sorry, but I totally understand why A.P.'s husband has had enough!!To put oneself into so much debt that you have to take out a HOME EQUITY loan to pay it off? Might I add that she must have agreed to the "fancy" house as I am sure her name is also on the title? I don't feel her husband is a bad person, as she has stated he is not requiring her to sell the horses. He is just fed up with her irresponsibility. I would have a hard time forgiving my husband if he did something similar.

          I would never compromise my husbands's and mine financial security over horses as much as I love them. Maybe it is time that she pay attention to other important aspects of her life.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by KimPeterson:
            I love my animals and I love my husband, but I would never be told what to do by him, if I foot the bill for my horses and two dogs they are my responsiblity and my way of life, he met me I had horses..I will always have horses.. I have too much self confidence for him to threaten me, any man that would tell me what to do or point fingers at something I love.
            Just what I was thinking... exactly!

            Comment

            • Original Poster

              Goodness.. this has brought up alot of stuff.
              Piaffe56: thank you for not assuming my husband is a jerk and seeing his side of it... and I mean that sincerely. As for the home equity loan and how that came about: yes, I was irresponsible, but also had a period of unemployement which was not entirely my fault (very long saga which I will not go into). My fear is that he will never get over the anger and resentment, no matter what I do.
              Sigh. I'll keep ya'll posted.

              Comment


              • I did not read the rest of the thread, but is this the Claire Warren you are thinking about?

                http://archwayeqsports.com/html/trainers_bio.html


                Originally posted by carolprudm:
                Slightly off topic but is Claire Warren still around?
                She wrote a poem that was published by COTH, oh about 30 years ago (YIKES!!!!)
                I had it stuck to my refrigerator for years until I lost it in a move. It was called "She'll outgrow it" and told of a young girl who wore long pants to keep her bruises hid and ended up with her parents warning her fiancee that nothing would stop her from having a horse.
                http://community.webshots.com/user/cotswoldjr
                http://temp.hillcresttrainingnet.off...m/default.aspx
                [url]
                Starman Babies

                Comment


                • Wow, is this thread ever making me grateful to be single.

                  AP -- I'll go with the minority view here and say 'cut your losses and move on'. As others have noted, resentment is toxic. If he has no forgiveness and no interest in working with you on this, then you're the only one doing the compromising -- and really, why? Never mind it's a role we're taught from birth and that many men expect it of us. It's BS.

                  Sometimes you don't realize just how deeply and thoroughly miserable you were with someone until you have the courage to leave. It's scary, but it's also fantastically freeing not to have to apologize and grovel and feel guilty for following your passion, every minute of the bloody day.

                  I'll also disagree with some of the other posters and say sometimes it IS about the horses. In AP's case it seems to be a money thing, but I've had several relationships where the resentment stemmed both from the time I spent at the barn and from the affection I showed for my horses. Jealousy, plain and simple, like an older sibling resenting the new baby. Juvenile, yup, but also very, very male. In my youth I used to cater to that dynamic and try to make everything nice. Now I just have zero patience for it. This is me, these are my horses, we come as a package, take it or leave it. There's absolutely no point, IMHO, in trying to function as a partnership with someone who resents a big chunk of who I am.

                  And being the bitter old singleton that I am , I'll also say that there's not ALWAYS another woman in the wings, but alas, when a man stops showing interest in providing anything constructive for the relationship ... well, it often is. Sorry for the stereotyping, but my personal experience has been that men don't jump unless they have somewhere soft to land. Every time I have given a man the benefit of the doubt on that score, I have been proven sorrily, sorrily wrong. Not saying that's the case for everyone or for AP in particular. Just sayin'.

                  AP, virtual hugs to you. But don't be afraid. The water's fine here in the single world. Men may come and men may go, but I have my five goofy horses in my backyard, a darling cat who curls up on my lap and purrs for me, and none of them judge me. It's all good.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by ridexc:
                    Wow, is this thread ever making me grateful to be single...If he has no forgiveness and no interest in working with you on this, then you're the only one doing the compromising... I'll also disagree with some of the other posters and say sometimes it IS about the horses. In AP's case it seems to be a money thing, but I've had several relationships where the resentment stemmed both from the time I spent at the barn and from the affection I showed for my horses. Jealousy, plain and simple, like an older sibling resenting the new baby. Juvenile, yup, but also very, very male...
                    And as a male, I thank you for all guys you are now single...please keep it that way.

                    If someone, male or female, in their relationship feels they are loved, are thought of and are shown affection...they aren't jealous. It's not the "going out with the boys/girls" that will piss off a spouse, it's when they don't call to let the person know they're going out. It's not the attention being paid to the horse, it's the attention not being paid to the spouse (but lavished on the horse).

                    Money sure seemed to be a factor with A.P. and her husband's problems...but relationships hit the point where they just don't fulfill both person's needs. He may be a great husband for someone else, she may be a wonderful partner for someone else...but not for each other now.

                    Head for happiness....both people deserve to be happy.

                    P.S. Taking out a home equity loan is compromising...it's a two-edged thing...both have to compromise.
                    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

                    Comment


                    • He may be a great husband for someone else, she may be a wonderful partner for someone else...but not for each other now.

                      And there ya' go.
                      "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
                      ---
                      The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.

                      Comment


                      • A.P., has any of this helped? Now that we've bared our souls to complete strangers....

                        The truth of the matter is--adults who want to be together find a way to work things out, they don't "project" on other people. Hey, "stuff" happens (often unexpectedly) and if you can't work together to get past it then you're doomed as a couple. You are not your husband and for him to suggest that you be like him, feel like him, think like him is not going to be beneficial to your psyche, and you too will end up resentful. Sure doesn't sound like a healthy way to live the rest of one's life.
                        "Don't blame Hogg or the other teens. The adults are supposed to know better. If only we could find any." ~Tom Nichols, professor of national security affairs at the Naval War College~

                        Comment


                        • [QUOTE]Originally posted by Trakehner:
                          And as a male, I thank you for all guys you are now single...please keep it that way. <<

                          Well aren't you the very justification for that preference! Snap judgements about people about whom you know NOTHING, anyone?

                          >>If someone, male or female, in their relationship feels they are loved, are thought of and are shown affection...they aren't jealous. <<

                          Sorry, that's a load of dingo's kidneys. With some people it's just hardwired into them. My earlier example about jealous siblings is apt here because it's usually based on nothing. The parents go to extraordinary lengths to make sure every child feels equally loved, and STILL someone gets bent out of shape.

                          It's about needing to be the centre of attention ALL the TIME. As others here have noted, some men (and yes, a few women) still have a very bad case of 'the world revolves around me'.

                          As for the implication I have neglected my relationships -- that's a helluva presumption. I can't tell you how many times I have devoted heart and soul to a relationship only to have my horses -- a pre-existing condition! -- be the wedge between us, or at least the excuse for the wedge.

                          At least I've learned the warning signs on the jealous type now. Still seeking the man who has his own healthy obsessions and doesn't resent the time I spend in the barn. Unfortunately, men that secure are a bit thin on the ground.

                          This thread is not supposed to be about me -- or for that matter about other posters such as the unfortunate woman you said this about: >>
                          Sigh, he deserves better than a lying wife who's a thief while she's at it....<<. So how about you lay off the personal attacks on behalf of "all guys"?

                          Comment


                          • There's nothing I need to add....

                            the feelings that you, A.P. are going through is scary and that you'd want us to hug and hold you through your tough times.

                            ((((hugs))))
                            Will get a dream horse!
                            More riding, swimming, and rowing, less posting

                            Comment


                            • A.P. -- At least you're talking...

                              After almost 23 years of marriage, I have nothing to say to my husband.

                              When he was riding and showing, I had hope for the years when the kids were gone and we'd be alone again.

                              Now...

                              And of course it doesn't help now that since he's not involved with the horses, horsey things that used to be priority are deemed unnecessary or frivolous.

                              Comment

                              • Original Poster

                                A quick update. The husband has spent the last week in our 2nd home, as he is very stressed at work and we've been drivin each other nuts. we both want to stay together. Still need to find a counselor. He is also being very swet about my filly and possibility of putting her down.

                                I am still concerned about what happens if I change careers (into nursing): it will mean some time of reduced or no income followed by much reduced income. I worry about that. If I were to want to keep horses on nusing salary, would definately need to move. Oh well, one hurdle at a time.

                                Comment


                                • Good God!

                                  Sabine hit the nail on the head about 6 pages back.

                                  ESG: I agree.

                                  I feel so sad for anyone that has a spouse that stops them from talking about their passion. If you are really loved, any conversation is welcomed especially one that gives you such pleasure.

                                  When the writing is on the flipping wall you better take heed. And do not wait for the court, your soon to be EX, and his lawyer to tell you that the horses have to be sold and the $$$ split.

                                  Sell the horses to a close trusted friend for $1.00 and give the jerk his $.50!! Buy them back after all is said and done.

                                  ridexc: Life has never been better.

                                  Comment


                                  • AP....

                                    i hope things work out for you - i can't image having to choose between my husband and the horses.

                                    In our marriage, I actually earn more money (right now - a lot more) than DH. We both have expensive 'hobbies' - his is scuba diving, mine is riding. I will not say that I have never been resentful of the money he spends on diving equipment. I have to fight really hard to remind myself that if he feels about diving the way I feel about horses, then it's not a "waste" of money. we also have different spending habits/priorities for our spending - he likes to buy gadgets and equipment, i sink lots of money into riding with a great trainer since i don't have a horse right now.

                                    He doesn't go diving as often as I ride, but I happily ride in a pair of Ariats that are decomposing into indistinguishable pieces. ;-) I DON'T always understand why he wants to spend a lot of money (hundreds/thousands of dollars at a time) on STUFF, and we do get into it over his decisions sometimes. We realized even that argument (which we had sort of often!) had a lot of underlying topics.... I was worried about his safety when diving, concerned that his spending would get out of control (I'm the one who pays bills/keeps track of our money), and worried that he was not making good decisions about what to spend money on --> to get the most enjoyment out of. All of these issues are related to this hobby that just turns him into an excited little boy, in other areas of our life he's perfectly sensible about money.

                                    Anyway, there were things I was uncertain about and unhappy about with regards to his spending. Those issues are a lot more tangible and productive to deal with than just "I don't like the way you're spending money/I don't like this hobby you've chosen to pursue." Despite all that, I really did want him to be happy and enjoy his hobby - just in a way that I could understand and cope with as far as his safety, our finances, etc. We're working on it.

                                    Perhaps a counselor could help you break this issue down and figure out what else might be going on. You might find some other themes that are contributing to this problem that can be dealt with without having to make the choice of husband or horses. I sincerely hope that however it works out, you are happy and at peace with your situation and decisions.

                                    Back when DH and I discussed getting married, he said, "Do you love me more than horses?" I said "I love you very much, but I've known the horses longer. I lived without you for 24 years, I only made it 4 years without them." Eventually he accepted that, and were he to make me choose between them, he knows what I would say. In the end the one person who'll never leave me is *me* - so I like to be sure I can live with myself. Just something to think about.

                                    best of luck to you.
                                    Fun equestrian t-shirts designed by a rider like you:
                                    http://skreened.com/laughinglion

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