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husband and I talked... about divorce

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  • #61
    Boy, that just stinks.

    But what the heck? 50/50? Marriage isn't 50/50. Sometimes its 75/25. Sometimes its 100/0. It's all combinations of give and take - both financial and emotional - depending on the situation - which is always changing.

    I think your situation just stinks after 26 years of marriage. Good luck with whatever happens.

    Comment


    • #62
      No advice, just {{{Hugs}}}.

      Whatever happens, find your bliss and hold it close.

      Comment


      • #63
        JMHO...but marriages that are 50/50 never seem to work as well as ones that are 100/100. If both aren't giving their all to it, why bother?
        We should at least put as much time, effort and thought into our marriages as we do our horses' diets, tack selections, training programs, etc.
        You jump in the saddle,
        Hold onto the bridle!
        Jump in the line!
        ...Belefonte

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        • #64
          I am Stay-at-home-mom/happy-homemaker I have no money of my own, but still, I get to buy what I want and all $$decisions are made together, the good, the bad and the ugly.
          Especially thte Ugly need to be made together. LF
          Lostfarming in Idaho
          http://i512.photobucket.com/albums/t...etPleasure.jpg

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          • #65
            A.P., I am very sorry you are going through this. I agree that you should try counseling and find out if there's more to the problem than the horses and dogs.

            I can understand non-horsey husbands. Many of them just aren't truly interested. But if my husband had no interest in the dogs, that would be very hard for me to deal with. The horses live in the barn (even if it's in the backyard) and it's OK if the husband wants no responsiblity. But the dogs live in the house and are part of the family in a big way. If my husband complained about the vet bills for the dogs, I don't think our marriage would last. I guess for me, the horses are a luxury, but the dogs are a necessity!

            Good luck to you

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            • #66
              A.P., just wanted to send a hug your way. Having been through a divorce myself I don't think anyone can understand how painful it is until you actually go through one. Even when hindsight shows you what a good thing it was.

              Whatever decisions get made please take your time in making them and if at all possible make them with the benefit of counseling. My thoughts are with you in this, the mental and emotional anguish is so hard.

              BTW, I wanted to respond to one of your statements

              I want them to be OUR dogs, not MY dogs, OUR horses, not MY horses, not financially, but in terms of emotional investment.
              I think we all want this but realistically I don't ever expect my wonderful new husband to ever have anything remotely close to my emotional investment in horses. They are my passion, not his. Now, he respects that they are my passion and we would not last long if he did not, but he has his own passions in life and I am respectful of those. The trick is remembering to foster time together as well as time on our very different hobbies.
              www.retiredhorses.com
              Blogging about daily life on the retirement farm: http://paradigmfarms.blogspot.com/
              Paradigm Farms on Facebook

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              • #67
                A.P., I am so in this movie. Rightthisveryminute. Wanna share some popcorn?

                Mr. Beezer and I have been married for nearly 23 years (Good lord, how did THAT happen?!??! ). To say that I can barely tolerate my life is putting it mildly. We've grown so very far apart that a drawbridge can't even reach the two sides.

                I admit it: I love my dogs and horses more than I do him. I miss them more when separated from them than I do when separated from him. (In fact, we haven't taken a vacation together in years, because we make each other so miserable.) I can imagine my life without him, but not without my horses and dogs. We have differing lives, differing goals, differing futures.

                And ... yet ... for some reason we stay married. I suppose it's because it's easier than divorcing, although, frankly, we came thisclose to listing the house for sale this week, then stepped back.

                Mr. Beezer is not a bad person; he's just a lousy husband -- and before anyone bashes me for saying that, he'll be the first to tell you that he is. He's also a lousy father -- which he and his kids will tell you, and which is why we didn't have any. On the other hand, I know that I am far from the perfect wife and, frankly, long ago reached the point of trying to be one. I got tired of doing all the trying and compromising.

                I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I deeply feel your pain, A.P., and that, as always, misery loves company. I do believe that often the complaints about horses, dogs, money, whatever mask a deeper frustration about some other issue(s); in Mr. Beezer's case, it's that he has a lot of unrealized dreams. I know when he's feeling particularly down, he takes his frustration out on the closest thing at hand, which is his wife (speaking verbally here, not physically).

                But, frankly, I am just beyond caring about it anymore.

                Here's a very big cyber hug to you. Chin up and all that. As a great believer in fate, I will say that all will work out as it is supposed to.
                Congratulate me! My CANTER cutie is an honor student at Goofball University!

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                • #68
                  Sounds to me like he lacks great deal of compassion, even for himself. Money does not buy happiness, as you have discovered, but he has not.

                  Do what you need to do to feel happy and fulfilled. You deserve every bit of it. Best wishes!!

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                  • #69
                    I'm sorry, I have no advice to give that hasn't already been said. But reading about all these unsupportive husbands I am thinking I have been under-appreciating my own DH. I think I am going to go give him a big hug. Except that he's fast asleep. I'm sure he won't mind.
                    Best of luck A.P., take care of yourself

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Ok, for all of you who want company for misery, I'm it.

                      My husband hates my 3 horses, his blood boils over the amount of money I spend on them (a lot but I earn the money), resents the time I spend riding every weekend, resents that our family trips revolve around my monthly horse shows, hates that my daughter now rides and has a pony, etc etc. I could go on and on.

                      I wish I could've married someone who loves horses but I didn't. The more he complains, the less I want to married to him. Altho I agree in compromise, horses in my life are non-negotiable. However hard to believe, horses may be the end of my marriage and that is sad. But nothing makes me happier, after my children, than horses.

                      I commend the posters who had the strength to leave marriages inconsistent with their horsey lives. I seem to lack that ability. Perhaps because I have young children, perhaps because I'm not that strong, perhaps because I love my husband when he doesn't complain about my horses.

                      AP, know that you are not alone and that I support whatever decision you make.
                      Paddock Cakes
                      Wholesome Horse Cookies with a Sweet Treat
                      www.paddockcakes.com

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                      • #71
                        It sounds to me A.P. that you two have grown apart. It happens. It's nobody's fault, you two just may not "mesh together" anymore. People change. Jingling for you!
                        RIP Bo, the real Appassionato
                        5/5/84-7/12/08

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                        • #72
                          I just want to comment about those of you who say you spend "your money" on the horses. Perhaps that is some of the problem - I view marriage as teamwork. Basically, I think it helps to agree on the larger goals, including money. I am not saying that all money belongs to both - there needs to be discretionary money, but it helps if the goals are common. I hear too many women who think IF they work, it is extra money to spend as she pleases. I don't hear too many men who say that. Just throwing in another perspective.

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                          • #73
                            Haven't read the 4 pages yet,

                            Just wanted to say (((((AP))))) hugs to A.P.

                            If you end up giving up the animals-I think the roles will be reversed-instead of him being resentful of you/them, you might end up resentful of him for what you have lost.

                            off to read the rest of the thread.
                            "And remember-if it gets really bad, there's always tequila..." J.P.

                            No horse should be Peepless

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              [quote]Originally posted by pds:

                              Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?

                              If so, I just can't help but think that you are in a very, very small female minority on this.
                              well....given that MY husband right now is in England with 4 buddies, for a long weekend watching Leeds and Liverpool football...and is trying to go to Germany with another buddy to catch the World Cup, I have to disagree.

                              For us, having space to pursue private passions is important. Doesn't work for everyone, of course, but we don't resent it. Now, we don't spend more than we can afford, have a modest house and cars, save first, etc. We're lucky right now we can afford this, so we do it. If we can't, we'll adjust. I worry more because my one horse IS very expensive, and boarding becomes more and more challenging over time.

                              I don't think have and supporting separate interests is a bad thing if BOTH spouses are comfortable doing so. If one worries the other may "meet someone" well, I think the problem isn't necessarily with the activity, but with the spouse.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                Originally posted by A. P.:
                                Thanks for all your replies. First let me say, he is not the one pushing the issue, so he does not have a 'hidden agenda' (other woman, etc). We are both just unhappy, and were talking about it when the divorce subject came up. And yes, we will get counselling before making any decisions (fortunately we own 2 houses already so we can separate fairly painlessly).

                                For him the issue is $$ and differing priorities.
                                My parents went through something similar, after dragging it out for YEARS "for the children"

                                Honestly, we were all SO relieved when they told us they were getting a divorce-and they are both so much happier now.

                                And at first it was hard for them-but they are good friends now-dad helps mom out with things, they go out to dinner-they were just much better FRIENDS than husband and wife.

                                Does that make sense?

                                I hope that everything works out for the best, but I guess what I am trying to say is don't try to hang on to something "for the children" or just because "it's been 26 years" if there's nothing there, there's nothing there- BOTH partners have to really, really, really want to WORK HARD to make it work.

                                (((more hugs)))
                                "And remember-if it gets really bad, there's always tequila..." J.P.

                                No horse should be Peepless

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  My vote goes with those who say his problems have nothing to do with the animals themselves. He is insecure and feels left out when you take care of someone other than him. He is controlling and is pressuring you to change. And even worse, when you do make sacrifices to meet his demands, he still isn't happy!

                                  Why is he trying to drive you from something you love? You could be one of those bad spouses who spend their time and money doing terrible things (gambling the mortgage money, getting into alcohol or drug addiction, having affairs, etc). Instead, you're doing something healthy and fun, and why doesn't he want you happy???

                                  Counseling may help to reveal the real issues, if both of you are willing to give it a go. Sadly sometimes even one you get to the root of the problem, it's something about a person they refuse to change. But sometimes it's alot of little miscommunications and hurt feelings over the years which have built up. And once those are out in the open the healing & repair can begin.

                                  And if you decide it still doesn't work, don't beat yourself up for it. You gave it your best. You do deserve to be happy, and there are plenty of men out there who won't try to tell you how to live your life.

                                  Good luck !!!
                                  Veterinarians for Equine Welfare

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    Originally posted by Hopeful Hunter:

                                    For us, having space to pursue private passions is important. Doesn't work for everyone, of course, but we don't resent it. Now, we don't spend more than we can afford, have a modest house and cars, save first, etc. We're lucky right now we can afford this, so we do it. If we can't, we'll adjust. I worry more because my one horse IS very expensive, and boarding becomes more and more challenging over time.

                                    I don't think have and supporting separate interests is a bad thing if BOTH spouses are comfortable doing so. If one worries the other may "meet someone" well, I think the problem isn't necessarily with the activity, but with the spouse.
                                    I have to chime in here, I am with you and Mr. HH on this. I don't necessarily think that spouses have to do absolutely everything together. My hubby is a golf fanatic, I love to ride, but neither of us resents the other (normally), and neither of us spend more on our activities than we can afford (which is one reason I don't have a horse of my own). We both agree on priorities for our $$, we live modestly too and save $$ to send our daughter to private school. That being said, since he's a firefighter and I work part time, we have more time to spend together during the week than probably most couples, so being apart sometimes is not a big deal, in fact I think it's healthy. It's simple - golf makes him happy, riding makes me happy. I try to golf with him sometimes, he comes out to the barn once in a while. As far as him "meeting someone," I also agree, the problem isn't having separate hobbies, it's deeper than that. We have something called trust. We are able to spend a few days apart once in a while for various reasons and it doesn't kill us! I can't say for sure we'll be together forever, who can predict the future, but I feel pretty lucky right now.

                                    A.P., I don't have many words of wisdom for you, but if he's resenting something that really brings you happiness, and honestly it's not hurting your marriage, i.e., gambling, having affairs, etc., I think it would be time to look at what's really going on. I hope you can work it out, one way or another. ((Hugs))

                                    Comment


                                    • #78
                                      Originally posted by Equinetech:

                                      My parents went through something similar, after dragging it out for YEARS "for the children"

                                      Honestly, we were all SO relieved when they told us they were getting a divorce-and they are both so much happier now.

                                      And at first it was hard for them-but they are good friends now-dad helps mom out with things, they go out to dinner-they were just much better FRIENDS than husband and wife.

                                      Does that make sense?
                                      And I thought I'd never hear another story like this! You could be describing my in-laws! They just can't live together, as long as they have separate houses, they get along great. The nice thing is, we don't have to worry (too much) about having them together at family functions. Noboby now can believe that they used to fight like crazy and get along better now that they are divorced.

                                      Comment


                                      • #79
                                        Slightly off topic but is Claire Warren still around?
                                        She wrote a poem that was published by COTH, oh about 30 years ago (YIKES!!!!)
                                        I had it stuck to my refrigerator for years until I lost it in a move. It was called "She'll outgrow it" and told of a young girl who wore long pants to keep her bruises hid and ended up with her parents warning her fiancee that nothing would stop her from having a horse.
                                        I wasn't always a Smurf
                                        Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
                                        "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
                                        The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.

                                        Comment


                                        • #80
                                          Wow, I never thought so many people had such issues. IMO it's always easy to blame something external when relationships get tough. And in the current financial environment in the US I think money is a stress for a lot of people. I imagine it really sucks when things start to really go downhill at an out-of-control rate.

                                          I have been with my SO for over 7 years, and married for only 4 months. We don't fight about time, he has his motorcycles and loads of friends. He LOVES the animals and is very happy having them. But I have to keep my horse in a situation that doesn't allow me to reach my goals, and I have a horse that I love to death, but is very young and green and often makes enjoying her difficult. He doesn't accept that I should have a more expensive horse (that is safer and more enjoyable for me) nor does he accept the fact that I should have my greenie at a training center (and spend the $1000 a month it would cost). This last week when she dumped me on my head we had many fights about how I either need a trained horse, or I need to move her to a more expensive place, and frankly he just does not want to spend the money. Even though I make 20k MORE a year than he does.

                                          I don't know my point, just that I can relate with how hard it is, and I don't know what I would do if he asked me to compramise MORE. But, I could see it happening, and that thought really scares me.

                                          I hope you two can work it out. If not we're all here for you.
                                          On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

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