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husband and I talked... about divorce

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  • Original Poster

    #41
    We do not have children to deal with, fortunately.

    I do not mean to make him sound evil: he is not. He can be and has been, immensely generous. But now he is very resentful of past mistakes that I AM TRYING VERY HARD to make good on. I was the one who brought up selling my horse, and instead of saying "I know how hard that must be" or other encourging, emotionally supportive words, he just proceeded to tell me how resentful he is of them, and how it's about time I realized it. So much for positive reinforcement.

    One of the things that hurt last night is he said he resented having to pay the vets bills when our dog Harley died. Well geez, I certainly didn't want the dog to die! And I can't help it his tumor chose to rupture while I was out of work. It broke my heart when that dog died... and he's upset about the MONEY?

    Since the present isn't great, I think about the future. I would LOVE to live someplace where I could keep the horses at home: he does not know if he wants to live further out in the country, or in the city, and definately would not want having horses areound to worry about. If we did have a farm, I would be responsible for %100 of all the 'farm' type chores (he is NOT handy). I would love to foster dogs: he has said NO WAY: he works at home and does not want any distractions. He TOLERATES the things I care deeply about... just barely. I want them to be OUR dogs, not MY dogs, OUR horses, not MY horses, not financially, but in terms of emotional investment.

    Edited to add: let me mention that the most I have ever spent on boarding is $200/month per horse (and this in Fairfax County ); I do not show, don't buy alot of tack, and spend very little time with my horses now (having moved them much further out for cheaper board). Over the past 4 months I have probably spent less than 12 hours with my horses.

    Comment


    • #42
      Originally posted by pds:
      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.
      Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?

      If so, I just can't help but think that you are in a very, very small female minority on this. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

      pds,

      Everyone works out how a relationship will work for them, or not.

      In my case, my husband and I have separate finances. We have split the bills and to be quite honest, if he spent hundreds of dollars going out with friends on weekends, I wouldn't know, or care unless it adversely affected our joint financial concerns....ie, the mortgage.

      As someone who can drop thousands on a new horse or a saddle, or arena footing, I am in no position to suggest he not spend money on something he enjoys...and if that is a skydiving school trip, then that is what it is.

      Every once in a while he even walks out to the barn with me and will dump the wheelbarrow.

      Just because we don't do everything together doesn't mean that it is not a good relationship.

      Will we be married forever? I dunno, people change, situations change, who knows. We've been married for 17 years now, but heck, that is no guarantee.

      Mel

      Comment


      • #43
        I am not qualified to give advice here... Just hugs... (((((A.P.)))))


        Comment


        • #44
          Just some things I noticed in your posts...
          There is a lot of "me, mine" and a lot of "him, his" and not a lot of "ours and we". I worked as a financial counselor for 7 years and one of the most common problems we ran into was couples with the attitude of "ok, we are married, we live together, sleep together, but the money is TOTALLY seperate" It is important to share responsibility for the joint finances. Horses DO cost a lot. I am not sure how many you have, but perhaps there is some middle ground on this? Another barn that is less expensive? After 26 years, some of his concerns are likely to stem from wanting to retire eventually, which is probably why he doesn't want to scale back on realestate to give you more play money...realestate is a good investment and it would, in my opinion, to keep the realestate. It sounds like he is looking at this long term and wants to start getting things set up money wise. Another thing, perhaps you DO need to spend more time with him so that you guys can rediscover each other and develope some joint interests so you have things to talk about. It sounds like you had something and have lost it....but chances are, you can find it again if both of you are willing to try. Try to live a joint life instead of two seperate lives that only come together for meals and bed time.
          Sit down and go over money issues with him, set up a budget plan to cover your monthly expenses (including the horses and any hobbies that he has), see how much discretionary income you have. If it isn't enough to put some aside each month for savings, then you should look at cutting back on your horse expenses. Honestly, look at it from his prospective:
          He makes the greater income, he is probably approaching retirement age, he knows if he retires that your income won't be enough to support you two...then you want to sell the investments that give it a slight chance of working so you can spend it on YOU and YOUR "toys"....I can see his resentment of the horses and the money they take.
          Anyway, I know I'm rambling, but try to see the other side of the story and get a financial plan worked out so he feels better and then work on spending some quality time getting to know the man you've been living with for so long. And last but not least, good luck!!
          http://www.ultimateequine.com

          Comment


          • #45
            Yes - get to a counselor. But above all, get to an unbiased counselor. You need input on what the issues are (which you may or may not even realize), and how you both want to approach them. This will also help you figure out if you want to fix what's wrong.

            Sometimes you are so stuck in mire you just can't see or think of anything else. Counseling will help you do that.

            Hugs to everyone going through this. I'm single, but brother #1 is divorced (now happily remarried) and #2 is going through the process now. Funny - all my brothers ever wanted was to be happily married family guys, how's that for irony?

            And - if it looks like you will be splitting up - get thee to a lawyer. Even if you do mediation, it is hard for those involved to make decisions not based on emotion.
            www.specialhorses.org
            a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues

            Comment


            • #46
              As a female who has been with the same male for 29, yes, 29years, I just wanted to say that it seems they hit late middle age and their brains turn to spaghetti. I am hoping this is a just a phase they go thru. I can't believe the similar themes of garbage I've heard along these lines for about the past 5 years. I also can tell you if you concede major issues it really doesn't make them any happier. Best thing to do is figure out what you really want and stick with it, because only a Supreme Being or a Psychic Communicator knows what the **** they actually want, either, they certainly don't.

              Do get tight and disciplined with your finances. I would, frankly, go to a lawyer right now and ask for a rundown of your state's laws of property division in case of a divorce, and ask what steps you should be taking to protect yourself from any possible, sudden nasty surprises. He doesn't have to know you did that. Always, always, keep a stash of separate money to be used for emergencies. If you don't have one, make one.

              And on that other woman possibility, don't trust them any farther than you can throw them, either. It's not that they necessarily have one now, it's that if the opportunity presents itself....

              Comment


              • #47
                pds - you sound really bitter. I'm not sure why you would be, but that's really not my business.
                I'm not bitter. It is bothersome that the "all men are bad and have a woman on the side" attitude that seems to be so prevalant here. Not everything that goes wrong in a relationship is a mans fault as many on this BB would have us think.


                Posted by KWPM MOM
                Trust me, this is not about the horses and dogs. I feel it is an easy way out for your husband. The same thing happened to me after a 30 yr marriage. I hate to be so cruel, but I would want to find out the name of his new girlfriend. There is ALWAYS another woman involved. Men don't leave a 26 yr marriage because "we've grown apart". They always have a back up ready to take the wife's place...
                This is bitter!

                Comment


                • #48
                  A.P., sorry about your situation, but I think it is really great that you have broached the subject and are talking about it. Ignoring it won't make it go away, will it?

                  Hopefully more talking and some counseling will help you. I'm sending some jingles your way!
                  Where Fjeral Norwegian Fjords Rule
                  http://www.ironwood-farm.com

                  Comment


                  • #49
                    Originally posted by A. P.:
                    He puts huge amounts of time and effort into his career (which he finds very rewarding) and he feels I should do the same. My career has not been rewarding (emotionally), hence my plan to change careers. But even if that turns out well, there is more to life than work!
                    The things that are imprtant to me are meaningless to him, and vice versa.
                    AP have him talk to MR Gunnar, who after 25 years of serious career building to get to the top, is so burned out he could care less. He has discovered that there is more to life than the all mighty dollar and that Title (the one that causes you to work 70 hours or more a week for your whole life!). We are now about the same in our Work VS the rest of life balance. The only thing missing is all that money he used to make!!!

                    I really hope you can work it out! Horses are my lifes blood and Mr. Gunnar is resigned to that now. Without my horses i may just sit in a corner and cry! I did that years ago when I was missing horses. I just have to learn to have a good time doing what I can with what I have.

                    Hugs to you and your husband. It is a tough time to go thru!
                    Steph

                    http://community.webshots.com/user/stephanne014

                    Rerider/Haydunker Clique

                    RIP Barbaro, you were my hero!

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      The things that are imprtant to me are meaningless to him, and vice versa.
                      This statement right here says it all, and is something I have come to realize with my husband. Though he does not begrudge my horse, in fact I am the one wanting to give up the beasts for a while, he has told me he would help me find a more suitable horse, but aside from that we live much like you do, ((((Hugs)))) That said he provides good money from his own business. And if a need arises he spends the money. We are just so very different. Yes it took me 8 years to realize this! PT me if you would like a shoulder!

                      Comment


                      • #51
                        The things that are imprtant to me are meaningless to him, and vice versa.
                        I'm not bitter. It is bothersome that the "all men are bad and have a woman on the side" attitude that seems to be so prevalant here. Not everything that goes wrong in a relationship is a mans fault as many on this BB would have us think.
                        pds, I totally agree with you on this! it is not always another woman.

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          Mine didn't understand the passion involved...And then resented the fact that my "hobby" wasn't just a hobby, but a passion. (It wasn't the money.) He had hobbies, many and every changing ones. But, it's been 7 years since we were together and I've discovered that that was just the verbalized straw that broke the camel's back. There were a few other underlying reasons.

                          Good luck A.P. {{{{ HUGS }}}}
                          \"Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion. It seizes a person whole and, once it has done so, he will have to accept that his life will be radically changed.\" -- Ralph Waldo E

                          Comment


                          • #53
                            I agree with Anna's Mommy: sounds like you guys might need to talk to a financial guru in addition to a marriage councilor.

                            DH and I are probably still considered "newlyweds" by many other COTH posters, but we discussed finances in depth and repeatedly (to the point I was sick of it) before and after we were married. The end result?? We know EXACTLY how our money works, spends itself, the situation, etc. There is no "mine" and "his" when it comes to money.


                            I wish you luck and happiness in whatever you path you take, and you seem to be handling the issue with an amazing lack of hate or blame.
                            COTH's official mini-donk enabler

                            "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

                            Comment


                            • #54
                              Originally posted by Jaideux:
                              On relationships and horses: a friend at my barn had a good approach, I feel. Her (at the time) boyfriend was on one knee proposing, "Sara Jane Smith, will you marry me?", and before saying yes or no she flat out asked, "do you expect me to give up horses?". Her (now husband) confessed he'd never really thought about it, and before he could finish she said, "Good. Never do, because I'll make that choice in a heartbeat, and you won't like it."
                              This made me smile. When my (now ex) fiance asked my father for my hand, my father said, "horses are always going to be in my daughter's life. Take it or leave it, but this is the fact. They're not going anywhere and if you ever ask her to choose, I can tell you what the answer will be." Now we broke off our wedding anyway this past November but at least he was clear on that part of the deal
                              *Faune D'Helby*

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                so sorry to hear of your marriage problems, but there may be underlying issues that are there but the horses just are the symbol of it.

                                I have five horses, well four horses and a mule that thinks she's a horse. I was married to a man who knew I owned horses, and one day out of the blue, he said "the horses or me", so he left and I still have the horses. Turns out, it wasn't really the horses after all, it was my independence that made him so mad - he hated the thought of my being gone to shows or to the barn and he simply had no interest in doing anything. Later he said that once we were married, he was sure I'd give up the horses..well he was wrong.

                                So perhaps it is another issue that marriage counseling would help with. If not, then at least you have tried. I've always paid for my horses, and now have my own farm - not married but do have a fiance and have told him point blank, there will never be a "horses or me" discussion as he'd be long gone before the "me" part got out of his mouth. I don't compromise on that as that is what keeps me sane in a very demanding job and has helped my grown children stay out of trouble when they were growing up. Besides I can afford it, so money should never be an issue. If I couldn't afford them, I'd never ask someone else to provide for them, as I'd be scared they'd "turn off the money".

                                Counseling is good provided both parties want to participate and learn, otherwise, it is just a one sided discussion. Have you discussed counseling with your husband, do you think he would go or that it would help?

                                Things to think about.

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  AP, no advice, just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts this evening. I wish you the best and hope that you and your husband are able to resolve your situation in a way that leaves you in a place where you can be happy. Good luck.
                                  Chronicles of the $700 Pony
                                  The Further Adventures of the $700 Pony
                                  www.blithetraveler.com <-- My Blog

                                  Comment


                                  • #57
                                    AP Thats my husband to a T. He hates the horses/dogs ect. They and everything having to do with them is my responsiblity. Last winter I had to truck water to my 4 horse up the mountian and around the bend since I couldn't afford to get a water line put in yet. About mid winter he took the truck keys away and said I wasn't allowed to use it for that?@?@?@ WTF He didn't lift a finger to help. I had to go and buy my own truck so I wouldn't have to ASK him to borrow HIS.

                                    I'd come home from a show and be all excited at how we did and want to share his exact words were, "Stop talking, I don't care about anything to do with your horses." I said I understand you don't care about them but don't you want to share my excitement? He flat out said no.

                                    Mind you my horses never costed him anything. I worked for everything they needed. I had them way before I met him and when dating he even went riding several times. During counsling I reminded him of that and he said well that's because we were dating. I feel 'tricked' and lied to.

                                    I want to share my excitement and life with someone, my best friend, my husband. I didn't want just a roommate.

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      A.P., I'm so sorry you're having problems. Having read your posts twice now, it seems to me that you're just guessing on ways to remedy the situation (offering to sell, offering to go back to school, bringing up divorce...) out of desperation. Please go see a marriage counselor AND a financial (retirement!) counselor. Not knowing the situation or you or him, my gut suggests an insecurity with the future that he's blaming on your expenses.
                                      "I did know once, only I've sort of forgotten." - Winnie the Pooh

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        Call me old fashioned, but thequickest way to marital troubles is to have "mine" and "ours". When married folks start seperating things it is the beginning of the end for most. It can be seperating money, time, vacations or anything else.

                                        I hate figure skating but guess what I have been doing the last 2 weeks. Yup, sitting on the couch with DW and watching figure skating. I would prefer curling to figure skating. Last Saturday in negative temperatures and a 10 mph wind she froze her buttinski off watching a horse pull with me.

                                        I wish A.P. the best. It is a hard situation to be in.

                                        LF
                                        Lostfarming in Idaho
                                        http://i512.photobucket.com/albums/t...etPleasure.jpg

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          Originally posted by LostFarmer:
                                          Call me old fashioned, but thequickest way to marital troubles is to have "mine" and "ours". When married folks start seperating things it is the beginning of the end for most. It can be seperating money, time, vacations or anything else.

                                          I hate figure skating but guess what I have been doing the last 2 weeks. Yup, sitting on the couch with DW and watching figure skating. I would prefer curling to figure skating. Last Saturday in negative temperatures and a 10 mph wind she froze her buttinski off watching a horse pull with me.

                                          I wish A.P. the best. It is a hard situation to be in.

                                          LF
                                          Pretty much my sentiment.

                                          I am Stay-at-home-mom/happy-homemaker I have no money of my own, but still, I get to buy what I want and all $$decisions are made together, the good, the bad and the ugly.

                                          Comment

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