husband and I talked... about divorce

[whitney159]

I think your last post really sums it up pretty well. You two have different priorities and different things that make you happy. I was married for only 6 years, but pretty much the same story. I loved my dog and riding my horses, he didn't. We were just way too different and had different priorities. Seems like all my friends and family had decided it would never work LONG before I did. I wish you luck. Before you make any decisions, do go to counseling and really think about it. When you look back you want to feel sure that if you do divorce, that the marriage truly couldn't have worked.

[MissintheSouth]

The things that are imprtant to me are meaningless to him, and vice versa.

I think you got it summed up there. I am so sorry you have to go through this, from your previous post it sounds like this is the last thing you need right now. My parents divorced when I was in high school, and from that I have learned a lot of lessons. They had one of those awful court filled knock-down drag out divorces. If you do decide to get a divorce:

1.)You are stronger than you ever thought you would be. You will surprise yourself with what you can handle. Keep repeating this to yourself as needed!
2.)If you have children, please please don't make them choose. Don't let them feel guilty for wanting a relationship with your spouse/ex, its natural and in the end you will kick yourself for screwing them up if you manipulate their affection for one parent.
3.)Start mentally packing what you want. My dad had the locks changed while my mom was away at a horse show and so everything in the house was off limits to her. I had to smuggle out her horse stuff, our baby pictures that had been divided, and other stuff. It was not a good thing.

I don't want to be negative, I am a newlywed, so what do I know. Good luck with all the tough decisions you are having to make right now.

My best friend told me once, "Everything works out for the best in the end. If it still hurts, it isn't the end yet." Hang in there!

[chism]

I don't think it has to be a girlfriend. It can be about the money. I'm in the same boat as you, I've been married 19 years. My husband tried really hard for a long time to understand the horse craziness, helped set up our own little spot here at home for them. For a while he even rode with me and our 3 kids, but then we got into a spot where money was tight and he decided that the horses were too expensive. Now he really resents the time and $$$ they require. I try really hard to keep costs down, I had been home with the kids, so I went back to work, keep them at home with run-ins, do all the work myself but all he sees is $$$. And lets face it....I know I have too many of them, they are a big giant money pit, and lets not even get started on that last colic bill..... but what I get from them keeps me sane and happy, and it keeps my 3 girls busy and away from boys and bad influences. It's worth every penny in my book. I wish I had the answers, I hope for your sake that things work out, it certainly isn't easy.

[pds]

I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.

Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?

If so, I just can't help but think that you are in a very, very small female minority on this.

[carolprudm]

Originally posted by Jaideux:<SNIP>I myself am just beginning to embark in the relationship world, and my current boyfriend is not interested in horses at all (in fact, when he saw my show clothes last night after I took off my tall boots and my boot socks were on, he "answered" a call from the fashion police and turned me in), but if he were to ever suggest that animals should hold any other status in my life than they do now, I would not have a regret bumping him right back down to friend status.

I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.
<SNIP>

Mr P and I have been married for 35 years and that is what works for us.
He has golf and I have the horses. I watch the Golf Channel, and can talk with him about it and he supports my riding, financialy and emotionaly.

[Ride'emCO]

Originally posted by pds:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.

Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?
</div></BLOCKQUOTE>

I wasn't going to post here - because I've never been married. But shouldn't a couple be able to have some seperate interests? Why shouldn't she be OK with her Man, as you say, going out with his friends, without her, once in a while?

[pds]

I wasn't going to post here - because I've never been married. But shouldn't a couple be able to have some seperate interests? Why shouldn't she be OK with her Man, as you say, going out with his friends, without her, once in a while?

We are not talking about once in a while. We are talking about the same level of involvement as she is with horses/dogs.

Should be okay with it, but do you really believe that the majority of women would? I highly doubt it.

[JSwan]

AP - I'm so sorry. It breaks my heart to hear that people are talking about splitting up. I sincerely hope it doesn't happen and you two patch things up.

Also - remember it's not about the horses or the money. And it's not about his hobbies or passions, either. Those things are just symptoms of the real problem.

What the real problem is is something you two will have to figure out - if that's what you want to do.

Is marriage counseling an option? Do either of you really want to throw in the towel or is it that divorce just seems the next logical step if you two have drifted apart?

People drift apart and can come together again; and marriages can go through some really bad times and come through a stronger union.

I really and sincerely hope that you can work out this bump in the road.

And remember - it's not about the horses. It could be singing, a book group, or any other hobby. If you gave up horses completely - within a very short time you'd still end up talking about divorce anyway.

[carolprudm]

Originally posted by pds:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.

Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?

Is so, I just can't help but think that you are in a very, very small female minority on this. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
Mr P plays A LOT of golf. It costs quite a bit of money. I have never compared it to horse expenses so I don't know who spends more. I suspect I do. He would be happy living on a golf course in a condo instead of on a farm. Sometimes he goes on golf trips. I believe he has a week in Myrtil Beach in March. I am GLAD he has a good time.
If he is happy I am happy.

A.P. \I hope you get counseling. It sounds like a control issue.

[Lucassb]

My first marriage ended in large part because my ex could not get past his resentment of the time and money I spent on my horse. Was that the whole story? No, of course not, but it was a huge issue between us - he wanted a real "stay at home trophy wife" (as long as there was no cost involved to him... ie, I better have a job to pay for what I wanted/needed... but it better not interfere with my having the house spotless, dinner on the table, and all his drycleaning/household chores/ entertaining taken care of.)

In the divorce, he claimed my OTTB as an asset and tried to force him to be sold to provide a return on his "investment." My very smart lawyer totalled up all the bills for boarding, training, vet bills etc that I had paid over the years and let's just say my ex dropped that issue pretty quickly, but it was still painful at the time. Let's just say I don't miss him

I was about 1000x happier after we divorced and managed just fine as a single person. It's amazing how an unfulfilling relationship at home can weigh you down in other aspects of your life!! Without that dead weight I did very well careerwise, had a great time with my horse and finally had a chance to do things that I wanted to do without feeling like I was taking something away from someone else. Even at the beginning when finances were pretty tight, I was much better off.

I am now married to a FABULOUS guy who is not horsey but supports my riding 100%... he's always encouraging me to ride and show and will even come out to the barn to tape my lessons so I can watch them at home, not to mention he does the absolute best horse show tailgate parties you can imagine. HIS big interest is bicycling, which I have taken up on a recreational level so that I can learn a bit about his passion, and while it isn't as much fun as playing with the ponies, it is nice to be able to share the hobby he loves. To me, that is the kind of marriage worth pursuing... and it is definitely possible!!

[jazzrider]

I'm so sorry to hear it, A.P. What a stressful thing to go through. I'm glad to hear that you'll go for counseling first though -- really do it. A good counselor can help you say the things you haven't been saying to eachother, and find the underlying currents you both didn't know were there. Then if you still aren't able to resolve your issues -- you can at least be at peace with the fact that you really made the effort to. The key is to find a good counselor you both respond to.

My husband and I went to counseling about ten years ago during a rough patch, and it really helped us work things out. But oh, the compromising was painful!

[nhwr]

quote:
I believe, in my youthful hopeless romantic way, that a relationship is all about caring about the other person's intersts just because they care about them. I have absolutely zero interest in NASCAR, but if it makes my significant other happy, I'm going to at least care that he cares about it. It is unlikely I will go to any race ever or watch it on tv, but I wouldn't begrudge him that interest (as long as he returned the same to me). I hope I explained that well.



Let's see if I understand this right. You'd be okay if your Man was gone most weekends and some weeknights to a NASCAR race without you, spending 100's of dollars and having fun with his friends?

If so, I just can't help but think that you are in a very, very small female minority on this.

Isn't this what I do several times a year when I go to a horseshow? Why would it be a problem for a husband to do it?

[Czar]

I am very recently married but I was with my now-husband for 4 years. During that time, I gave up my day job and tried my hand at the horse business for two years. I was fairly successful and probably could have made a go of it but decided in the end that the time and money spent would be too much on my family.

My mom is a trainer so I saw first-hand how it can become your life and all other passions just get squeezed out. My parents have been married for 25 years and they have often struggled in their differences but they are committed to making it work. I can really see both sides b/c I have the same passion for horses as my mom but I saw growing up how hard it was sometimes on my dad.

My husband is very supportive of my horse habit but we have talked and talked and talked about it some more. I have explained that this is something that is in me and that he will have to accept in the years to come. But he also understands that I would never put my love for horses above him...it's a mutual understanding - he would never ask me to give it up and I would never let it consume my life.

[caffeinated]

AP, I'm not married, or all that experienced... I just wish you the best, and that no matter what the immediate outcome of this is, that you find some happiness (and really, that he does too).

[A. P.]

"Also - remember it's not about the horses or the money. And it's not about his hobbies or passions, either. Those things are just symptoms of the real problem."

I'm not sure I agree. Money IS an issue. I admit I have handled mine badly, so he has had to pay more than 'his half'. He resents this. resentment is highly corrosive. I am trying to do better, but it seems too late as far as he is concerned. Or, he feels 'entitled' to be angry and resentful, but I cannot live with that indefinately. He feels unappreciated. I DO appreciate his help with expenses, but it's hard to feel appreciative when I keep getting whopped up side the head with the resentment.

Edited to add: I want to make it clear that Mr A.P. is NOT being a butt-head: he is not INSISTING that I sell the horses (though he has suggested that it might be a good idea if I am going to go back to school). And he is not trying to get out for another person. And I am not sure we will split up... but the subject has been broached.

[hb]

You say that he finds his career very rewarding, and thinks that you should get the same level of satisfaction from your career.

Why does he feel he has the right to tell you what should make you feel fulfilled?

You say that the two of you bought a more expensive house than you wanted. I'm assuming that he was the one that wanted the more expensive house.

Does he subsidize your riding? Do you think he should even though it's not a priority to him? Are you splitting the mortgage evenly, or does he think you should, even though having an expensive house isn't a priority to you?

My SO and I do not split the mortgage evenly. I pay more than half, because having several acres is something I need for the horses, and it made our place cost about 30% more than it would have if it were just the house/shop/barn complex. So I pay that difference. It was my idea, not his, he didn't care but I wanted it to be fair.

You two have different things that make you happy and different priorities. That's perfectly okay if you accept that in each other. The conflict comes when you try to "inflict" your priorities on each other. He's resentful that you don't put as much energy into your career and making money. You are probably resentful that you have to pay more for real estate than you want when he's the one that wanted the fancy house.

PDS - she never said this included being away at shows every weekend. Some people get resentful of their SO spending even a couple hours a week on a hobby if it isn't what they think the other person should be doing.

As far as being supportive of someone spending weekends away at NASCAR races and spending hundreds of dollars on that, I'd be HAPPY if my SO would do that. If he spent the same amount of time and money as I do on horses on a hobby that made him as happy as horses make me, I'd be very happy for him. Relationships aren't about being joined at the hip. And being supportive of each other doesn't always mean doing the same things at the same time.

[buff4948]

AP I can relate my husband and I split in October. Married 11 years to the day and tried counsling.

It was the hardest thing and still is but I was lonelier with him here than with him gone. We are still friends (our kids are 9 and 10) for their sake. We seem to get along better now. We still not through the whole divorce thing just starting.

We go to court this coming tuesday for support. I can't sleep and have been eating my way through the days. I think sometimes it would be easier to try and get back together but we'd just end up here again. We just have different lives and different priorities.

Anyway, if your near nW NJ we could get together and go for a ride.....

[ProzacPuppy]

chism- I'm in the same sorta situation as you. Married 30 years to a non-animal person. I'm sure he could easily have survived with no pets at all. But he's put up with multi dogs, a screaming parrot that will outlive us all, a house rabbit that lived 16 years in our living room etc. Husband has actually learned alot about horses over the years and is trying to learn more now about farms, feeding etc. To hear him talk horses, you'd think he really knew what he was talking about.

He realizes that the horses and dogs are my sanity and have kept my daughter involved since she was 5 years old so we never had "teen problems" except lost show shirts, problems with combinations etc.

But the $$$$ is definitely a hot point. He is always quick to point out what percent of our income is spent on the animals; this one needed a plate inserted in a broken leg, that one needed her liver ultrasounded. Luckily the horses have been healthy.

I've often wondered if one day some expense will be "the straw the broke the camel's back" and he'll decide to leave. He doesn't begrudge the time at all. Just the costs in relation to total income.

Lately though he's been talking about buying a farm so we can have more horses and dogs.

Marriage is always about compromise. I've made certain that my daughter let boyfriends know up front how committed she is to her dogs and horses.

Get counselling to get to the root of the problem. I agree that it probably isn't just the horses or the money. And as others have said- sometimes people just grow apart. And you may end up finding common ground again later. There have been times during my 30 years of marriage that it seemed the only thing we had in common were the kids.

Good luck.

[JSwan]

AP - when I say money - what I mean is what it represents. If you are spending too much money on the horses and it's stretching the budget - that's not a divorce issue. That's simple math.

These are all just symptoms. The horses, the jobs, the money, the land, - all those have nothing to do with what the real problem is.

It can be control, it can be resentment, downright dislike, all kinds of things. Then what happens is that one spouse takes life's little daily happenings and vents anger on that happening. Did you buy a new bridle. Did you sign up for a horse show. Did you forget to take out the trash. Doesn't matter. They're not angry about you forgetting to take out the trash . They're angry about something else.

I get a little peeved when I hear folks blame marriage troubles on horses. The troubles would be there in another form - because horses weren't the cause of the trouble to begin with.

If you gave up horses - the marriage trouble would not cease. If he gave up the fancy house that you didn't want - the troubles wouldn't cease either.

But why listen to us!? Get thee to marriage counseling. It would be a crying shame for 26 years of marriage to end if there is any chance it can be saved. Best of luck.

pds - there is at least one woman (me) who is thrilled that her beloved husband has separate interests. I go with him to tool and woodworking shows, bought my own tool belt, and happily follow him around as he fixes and makes things. I even watch the New Yankee Workshop faithfully. Compromise compromise compromise.

[Sandbarhorse]

Originally posted by pds:
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> I wasn't going to post here - because I've never been married. But shouldn't a couple be able to have some seperate interests? Why shouldn't she be OK with her Man, as you say, going out with his friends, without her, once in a while?

We are not talking about once in a while. We are talking about the same level of involvement as she is with horses/dogs.

Should be okay with it, but do you really believe that the majority of women would? I highly doubt it. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

pds - you sound really bitter. I'm not sure why you would be, but that's really not my business.

Personally, I think if any woman is going to be OK with that, it would be a horsewoman. I do not mean a woman who owns a horse, but a horse women who has goals and competes and is genuinely immersed in the horse world. I would be and, in fact, have oftent hought I need either a horse guy or someone with just such a hobby.

I've done the marriage thing and have been separated for several months. I just cannot see ever living with someone who claimed to be OK with all of it pre-marriage, but who then decided it took too much time. That was not the sole reason, as someone else said- it never is, but it is part of it.

IMHO, separate interests will not kill a marriage as fast a one partner having a time/$$ consuming hobby and the other wanting a "regular" relationship.

Of course, in my ideal future world, we'd both be equally obsessed with the same interest most of the time.