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Is this acceptable behavior?

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  • Is this acceptable behavior?

    ....
    Last edited by blondmane; Dec. 3, 2011, 10:46 AM.
    Enough with the drama!

  • #2
    Originally posted by blondmane View Post
    Is it considered acceptable or "normal" for a 51 year old dressage "trainer" to hang out with an 18 year old "student" all the time? The trainer has a kid in high school and works a full time job during the school year, but moonlights as an instructor. But doesn't take money from this 18 year old. She pays for the student's horse's board and the student almost failed out of her senior year of high school because she was spending so much time at the barn with the trainer. She apparently tacks up horses and rides the trainer's client horses in exchange for her board. The trainer takes the student to music concerts, hangs out at the barn until 10pm ALOT and then took the kid to her sister's for Thanksgiving. The student is in college but will spend 8 hours a day at the barn with the trainer. What about her own kid that is at home? Then the student was having problems at home with her mom and the trainer volunteered to let the kid move in with her AND give her a car. Really? The student does have another parent that she ended up moving in with but doesn't spend much time at that house either.

    I just can't wrap my head around this one. The trainer doesn't show USDF shows and her scores at schooling shows are not really up to par for a "professional". So what would be drawing the student to the trainer in such an obcessive manner?

    Anyone else had an experience like this?
    blondmane1
    Herd Member

    Posts: 1063
    Joined: 20 Jun 2002 02:01
    Location: MI
    Private messageE-mail blondmane1
    Why is any of this any of your business?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**

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    • #3
      More than likely there is something going on there besides a trainer/student relationship. If it's your business as you are saying, you are likely either in a relationship with one of them, or the parent of one. To this situation I say: "If you have to ask, you already know what the answer is." Deal with it either way.
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      • #4
        Unless I read this wrong, the post said the younger of the two was 18, correct? 18 is an adult. Not a smart adult, but an adult. Right?
        ******************************
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        • #5
          Originally posted by blondmane
          Started when she was 17, still in high school. Almost didn't graduate. Supposedly it's not a "relationship" issue. So what would it be?
          In many States, 17 is the age of consent. I would check with your local laws.

          Look, I'll be blunt. Unless you are the lover of one of them, or the parent of one of them, it is not your concern. If you are the parent of one of them, and the child is 18, you have the right to be concerned, but it is STILL not your concern.
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          • #6
            Originally posted by blondmane
            Started when she was 17, still in high school. Almost didn't graduate. Supposedly it's not a "relationship" issue. So what would it be?
            The age of consent in Michigan is 16. Do with that what you will.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by blondmane
              I'm married to the dad, so that makes me the step mother. So it does concern me since she's living in my house. And as a fellow "professional" I would never consider spending this much time with a student like this....
              Yeah, this is what I pretty much figured. OF COURSE she is telling you it isnt a relationship issue. Why? Cuz she knew you'd fly off the handle and start gossiping about her to strangers on a message board.

              Just because she is living in your house does not mean you have a say in who she dates, my dear. Whatever problems you have with your stepdaughter are not this womans fault. Actually, look on the bright side. At least it's not some douchebag guy who'll get her pregnant and dump her. It sounds like both parties are getting what they want out of this relationship. Let it go, and want her to have happiness. While I'm also not a big fan of older men/woman and younger partners, I also know it's not my business and keep my opinions to myself. She's young. She's gonna make mistakes. Let her make them.
              ******************************
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              • #8
                I don't really see how anyone can answer this question but the parties involved.
                exploring the relationship between horse and human

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by blondmane
                  I'm married to the dad, so that makes me the step mother. So it does concern me since she's living in my house. And as a fellow "professional" I would never consider spending this much time with a student like this....
                  Face it, your stepdaughter is now legally an adult and was legally able to consent to sexual relations at 16.

                  You have very few leverage options besides kicking her out of your house and/or not paying for her college education.

                  And that presupposes that her father will agree to either or both of those actions.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by CosMonster View Post
                    I don't really see how anyone can answer this question but the parties involved.
                    This is very true. While I have the deepest suspicions, as I know the OP does, the only ones who know the truth are the parties involved. Whatever they are telling the OP is the story they are sticking to. It is what it is.
                    ******************************
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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by CosMonster View Post
                      I don't really see how anyone can answer this question but the parties involved.
                      This, and I don't really see how it's anyone's business but that of the parties involved.

                      blondmane, if she doesn't go to college that's her own prerogative. To me, it sounds like you are more concerned with "keeping up appearances" and how this may look to outsiders, than out of any actual concern for your stepdaughter.
                      The Little Red Mare: French Curve

                      and my non-horse blog: oh, rebecca!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by blondmane
                        Quite honestly I am NOT gossiping and personally don't care who she "dates". But supposedly they are not in a relationship. That is the reason for my post -what else would be going on? I wasn't born yesterday, just concerned that the kid won't make it through college and get a job that pays $ so she can support herself and live.....
                        Well, if she and this woman are in a relationship and she's getting the woman to pay her way for everything, it could be that your daughter has found herself a sugarmama. Either way, we again circle back to "not your business"
                        ******************************
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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ohrebecca View Post
                          This, and I don't really see how it's anyone's business but that of the parties involved.

                          blondmane, if she doesn't go to college that's her own prerogative. To me, it sounds like you are more concerned with "keeping up appearances" and how this may look to outsiders, than out of any actual concern for your stepdaughter.
                          Tis the truth ye speaks.
                          ******************************
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                          • #14
                            It is possible that the older trainer is grooming this kid to depend on her so that she has low cost labor available. If that's her intent, it would be to her benefit to make the kid dependant on her financially, professionally and emotionally, and to separate the kid from any adults who may counsel the kid to look into what she is getting out of the relationship.

                            This may be totally off base, but I've been spending my time working in the psych ward lately so I have seen people do/think much weirder things than this.

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                            • #15
                              I know a 40 ish year old male instructor who held a sleepover party for his 15 year old female student and friends. THAT would concern me if I was a parent. But an 18 year old being a working student or even being in a relationship with someone older is their prerogative. You could talk with her bout your concerns but that's about it.

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                              • #16
                                Is she trying to sell your daughter Amway? Because that's where I would draw the line.
                                ******************************
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                                • #17
                                  Originally posted by Kestrel View Post
                                  It is possible that the older trainer is grooming this kid to depend on her so that she has low cost labor available. If that's her intent, it would be to her benefit to make the kid dependant on her financially, professionally and emotionally, and to separate the kid from any adults who may counsel the kid to look into what she is getting out of the relationship.

                                  This may be totally off base, but I've been spending my time working in the psych ward lately so I have seen people do/think much weirder things than this.
                                  That, or the trainer is a parental figure replacing something the eighteen-year-old feels she's lacking in other parental relationships and the girl is filling a similar void for the trainer. Perhaps the kid at home in high school has zero interest in horses and training and she likes having a 'protege.'

                                  Whatever the case, everyone involved is an adult. If Dad and Stepmother aren't paying all her bills, or if she doesn't care if they cut her off, and she's not living at home, there's nothing they can do.
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                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by Jigga View Post
                                    Is she trying to sell your daughter Amway? Because that's where I would draw the line.
                                    Donald Trump - proven liar, cheat, traitor and sexual predator! Hillary Clinton won in 2016, but we have all lost.

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                                    • #19
                                      How exactly is this horse related? Beyond the fact that they both ride? Relationship advice isn't really what's meant by off course

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                                      • #20
                                        Please don't take any of this personally, I'm just tossing ideas out there for you. Just based on what I read... perhaps the "kid" sees the "trainer" as a mentor, possibly even a parent figure. Her parents are divorced and maybe she feels some stability with the trainer. Maybe she thinks the trainer is less judgemental, or sees her as a young adult instead of a kid. They share a love of horses. Perhaps they have a lot in common. Would you feel as weird about the relationship if the trainer was 20? I have good friends that are very different in age from me (maybe not THAT much of a difference, but more than 20 years difference) and there truly is nothing hinky about it.
                                        I would say it sounds unusual, but not everything unusual is bad. At the very least it doesn't sound like the trainer is taking advantage of her in any way.

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