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Sold a horse...huge vent sorry

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  • Sold a horse...huge vent sorry

    I have this gelding that I have owned since he was a weanling. I bought him, fed him and trained him all at my cost. My mom claimed him a few years back, she never rode him, just fed him through the winter months. She is afraid of horses, I think she just likes to care for them. I never "sold" the horse to my mom.

    I finally convince my mom that we need to sell him. He is 5, a wonderful horse, and he needs a job and he will make some little girl very happy. I find the perfect buyer, and they are having him vetted this week. In front of my brother and mom, I say that I sold the horse for X amount. My mom replies with "oh good, now we got a down payment for your brothers house."

    My problem is my brother. First off, he is 28 and living at home, still. He is a complete opposite of me. I moved out at 17, got married at 20, and I am now 25 and have my own farm, worked for it myself. My brother is a moocher. Mom pays for his 2 trucks (1 a everyday vehicle, the other is a "luxury truck) and pays for his gas, insurance, you name it, mom buys it. He is going to school and works part time (for Mom), and he pays no rent, does not do a thing around the house. He won't even take out the garbage for my Dad, who has had 3 heart attacks, and a bad arm/shoulder that he cannot use.
    I have always worked for what I wanted, and my brother has not. He does not appreciate what he has and does not take care of anything.

    So, why does Mom think she has the right to use all the money for my brothers future house? And why am I so bitter over this? I had agreed to split the money from this horse with my mom. I had said previously that I would like to pay a house payment ahead so I can catch up on other bills.

    Now my Mom is ticked off at me, b/c I don't want to help my brother out. She's got that right. I am not about to sacrafice a horse for my brothers sake. I said to her that maybe he needs to sell luxury vehicle #2 for a down payment on his house. I have sold a lot of things so I could get my house. I would love to have a luxury vehicle instead of the $1000 truck that I do have. But we all make sacrifices. Oh yeah, he recently just sold an older Mustang also, which was for good money, and not a dime of it went to his "house fund".

    Any advice as what I should say to my Mom? I am not letting it go. The gelding sold for a good price and I was looking forward to catching up on things since its been a rough last year for my husband and I.

  • #2
    Family dynamics are always a blast, aren't they?

    I have no advice other than to remember you have to deal with your mother and your brother for the rest of your life. So I guess temper your conversations accordingly.

    Good luck!
    * Sunny * Ella (2006 filly) * Tank (2008 colt)*

    Comment


    • #3
      I think we may have the same brother...except mine is 57yo...
      And like you I have worked since I was 15 and paid my own way pretty much since then. Half of my earnings when I was in school went to pay for college, 1/2 of the rest went to Mom & Dad for room & board. So I learned early on that if you want something - necessity or luxury - it has a price.

      That said, I think you DO have to let it go.
      You agreed to split the money with your Mom, what she chooses to do with it isn't your decision.
      Not Fair, but who promised Life was?

      Have you tried telling your Mom that she is doing your brother no favor by making him think Life is a Free Ride?
      FWIW I told my parents this same thing for many years and got back the "We can't just put him out on the street" excuse.
      As a result my brother, at his age, is still amazed at how things work in the Real World. And I feel sorry for him when my dad (who he lives with) passes away and Cold Hard Reality stares him in the face.
      *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
      Steppin' Out 1988-2004
      Hey Vern! 1982-2009, Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009
      Sam(Jaybee Altair) 1994-2015

      Comment


      • #4
        Go ahead with the sale. Have the buyers make payment out to you and only you. Pay your Mom her 50% and keep the rest. She can do with her $ whatever she wants (put into son's down payment for a house fund).

        Comment


        • #5
          Well....the ownership/caretaker factor kind of muddies the "who gets the money" scenario.

          Who owns the horse? Who cares for the horse? Where does the horse reside?

          If you don't want things to be messy, you have to keep your things separate from the "family".

          If it were me and I legally owned the horse, I would figure out the cost of feeding/board for the time that your mother cared for the horse and cut her a check in that amount.

          And then I would endeavor to keep my finances and assets, including horses, completely separate from the "family".

          You're not the first to have the unmotivated, semi-loser, mooch sibling. Won't be the last either. Don't spend too much energy on this. It's pretty simple. You can either keep the peace and give them the $$ or you can handle it as a business transaction, pay mom what you owe her, and keep the rest.

          If you DON'T own the horse, then it's her money.
          A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

          Might be a reason, never an excuse...

          Comment

          • Original Poster

            #6
            I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.

            Comment


            • #7
              THAT is a whole different story. Does she have memory problems as well as judgment problems? Does she have no recollection of prior conversations regarding splitting the proceeds of the sale?

              Regardless of the outcome in this instance, do yourself a favor and make this the last time she can take advantage of you this way. Do not mix business and family after family member demonstrates a willingness to cheat you. And regardless of what she plans to do with the money -- give it to charity, feed the homeless, buy a house for darling brother -- she is cheating you if she clearly committed to splitting the proceeds with you.

              It does matter also in whose name the horse's ownership papers are held.
              I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
              I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Peace of Cake View Post
                I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
                I got that out of the first post... However I fail to see where it is your responsibility to give your brother money. If he wants a down payment for a house, then he should start saving! Does she have some reason you should be giving him the money? I just can not see her point of view...
                Celtic Charisma (R.I.P) ~ http://flickr.com/photos/rockandracehorses/2387275281
                Proud owner of "The Intoxicated Moose!"
                "Hope is not an executable plan" ~ My Mom
                I love my Dublin-ator

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Peace of Cake View Post
                  I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
                  Maybe your mom wants your brother out of the house so bad that she wants all the proceeds from the sale. However, the two of you had an agreement that the sale would be spit. She can not keep your half without your consent, right? I say stand up for yourself.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Peace of Cake View Post
                    I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
                    Are you kidding me? I'm offended and I don't even know you... but that said, I would try to be diplomatic. Keep your head, but also keep your money!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

                      NOT HER MONEY.

                      NOT YOUR PROBLEM.



                      Buy her a book. "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody. And then make yourself scarce for awhile.
                      A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                      Might be a reason, never an excuse...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Yes, please tell her "NO!"

                        If brother wants a house, he can buy it. Not your problem. Don't let her roll over you.
                        I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
                        I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

                          The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

                          Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Keep your head and cool, but also keep your part of the money! Like somebody else said, have the buyer make the check out to you then give your mama her portion, whatever that may be.

                            Just an thought, but maybe you oughta sit your mama down and point out all that she's spent on him that he could have done for himself. If it was me, I'd be highly pi**ed off that my brother was taking advantage of my parents like that!

                            Good Luck!
                            Devil Pup 13 May 2010
                            Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi
                            Molly~4yo Blue Heeler & Dakota Nov 09 Baby Heeler

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Good Lord, you've just described my brother and me... except my parents wouldn't dare ask me to give him money, and he knows better than to ask.

                              Anyhoo, it sounds as though this is actually your horse. Have the buyers pay you. Pay your mom the agreed upon percentage. If there's any further argument, present her an invoice for everything you contributed to the horse's value. And perhaps it's also time you sat down with her and discussed the motivation for your success and how it feels (and has felt) to see your brother receive so much help when you've needed some, too.
                              "I did know once, only I've sort of forgotten." - Winnie the Pooh

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Originally posted by chai View Post
                                this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

                                The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

                                Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.
                                Yup.
                                In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                                A life lived by example, done too soon.
                                www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Originally posted by Peace of Cake View Post
                                  In front of my brother and mom, I say that I sold the horse for X amount. My mom replies with "oh good, now we got a down payment for your brothers house."
                                  In addition to the good advice you have already gotten, I would suggest that, in the future, you be careful to never mention any money coming your way in front of your brother, even if it is a $2 rebate check.
                                  Auventera Two:Some women would eat their own offspring if they had some dipping sauce.
                                  Serious Leigh: it sounds like her drama llama should be an old schoolmaster by now.

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by chai View Post
                                    this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

                                    The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

                                    Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.
                                    Yup.

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Doesn't bode well for brother's future mortgage payments?
                                      ... _. ._ .._. .._

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        Hey, why should he be different than any other person who bought too much house and then got overwhelmed by variable rate payments?

                                        Of course, if what PeaceofCake says is true (and I'm sure it is - I have family members just like your brother, babe! ), then brother will have hell's own time trying to get a mortgage in the first place. It's not nearly as easy as it used to be.

                                        PoC, stand your ground. It's your horse, and your money. Give Mom her half, and be done with it. Brother will get what's coming to him sooner or later, and let me tell you, karmic retribution is a beautiful, beautiful thing. The best thing is, you won't have to do a thing - just pop you some popcorn, get you a diet Coke, put up your feet and watch the whole thing unfold.
                                        In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                                        A life lived by example, done too soon.
                                        www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

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