RIP Aero

[Charisma]

Horse_poor,

Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve. Any feelings you may have, please don't question but follow through, for this is the way out of the grief.
I know how hard it is, as I lost a dear horse myself, so I speak from experience.

Allow yourself to cry, and sob, for you are letting go of the pain, and purging your body of the hurt.

I think it is so good that you are able to write on this BB, because you are able to get it out, all your thoughts and feelings, so they are not bottled up inside, and writing is a great therapy, helps your mind clear and heal as well. So keep writing if you need to, we are here to listen, and share in your grief, and lend you a cyber shoulder to lean on.

It will get better, I promise, but it is a process. And I am sure Aero is with you, hhelping you through this. He will always be with you in your heart, so you never have to look far.

[rfath]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by horse_poor:
Then I had a horrible thought--what if there is no rainbow bridge and he is just gone?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I have a hard time believing that there's no Rainbow Bridge... see, I've never had to put a horse to sleep, but this year we've had to put two very dear pets down. Both ferrets. We were with both of them when they left. The first, Raz, I'm pretty sure I felt leave. It was a lightening of everything, sort of a light brushing sensation on the top of my scalp. The second, Monty, was in terrible pain and begging us to let him go. I felt nothing afterwards and was starting to think I'd imagined the first sensation... a week later I was cleaning up in the bedroom while the other two ferrets were playing in there and one 'attacked' me exactly like Monty did - a very distinctive wait-until-your-back-is-turned GOTCHA run and cling to my wrist. The other ferret never did that before and hasn't offered to since. My boyfriend had his childhood dog put to sleep a few years ago. He was absolutely crushed and not wanting any comforting. A few weeks later, I had the most vivid dream of his dog running through some tall grasses, leaping and barking and felt a sense of peace and happiness. I never really knew this dog - she was quite old and stand-offish when I met her, and our meetings were infrequent at best. When I talked to boyfriend after the dream, I asked him what she'd loved to do best when she was young and spry... running through the grasses, barking and happy.

Yeah, most people reading this will probably think I'm a nutter (and I would probably agree with them..), but *I* believe there's a special place for our animals.

[Adelita]

rfath, you are not a nutter!

I too have dreamed, twice, of a close friend's animal running free, weeks after their death, before they've come to their human parent's dreams.

I'm not sure why this happens, but Molly, if someone says they dreamed of him, and he's peaceful and happy, that's him...maybe he can't get into your dreams, maybe you're still too raw, so he does what he can.

Here's a link, not sure if I gave it to you before, about animal souls, written by an animal communicator. Kind of simplistic sometimes, but it strikes true in many ways.

Animal Souls

(((((((hugs)))))))) and we love you. Be strong.

[Dorina]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Then I had a horrible thought--what if there is no rainbow bridge and he is just gone?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh Fraulrin horse_poor,

Now you just are silly! Of course, there be eine ranbow bridge! How else vill they return mein ice cream maker?

Wenn you can rest mit gute schlafen, Aero, he will come to you und be telling you all a bout it. He von't not be missing you though, he has you always im his heart. That is vat it is like on der other side off die bridge, vat is in your heart, it be real all die time. Aber remember you have him in your heart too. This it be right.


xoxoxoxoxox

Dorina

[Mav226]

Unfortunatly, I think the grieving process gets worse before it gets better. For some stupid reason, I thought that after the fact, every day would be a little better. Well I had to put my dog, who I've had since I was 6 (I'll be 23 next week), to sleep yesterday morning. I'm definitly much worse off today than I was yesterday. Partly because I had a dream last night that my dad told me the dog had died because I had poisoned him. I'm not sure what that means, but I feel a hell of a lot worse than I did yesterday.

Horse poor--I'm so sorry. I'm not sure when the pain gets better, but I can sympathize with you, and I'm guessing it can't get worse. My mare will be 19 in February. I don't think I have the strength to go through this again any time soon

Do you think they have dogs over the rainbow bridge?

[Louise]

I believe in the Rainbow Bridge. The animals we love are purer souls than we are, they are more likely to be welcomed by whatever superior spirit you believe in, IMO. That they choose to wait for the poor, flawed humans who loved them doesn't surprise me in the least.

I'm a pretty pedestrian person. I can't say that I have ever seen or felt any signs that they are there waiting for us. That's my limitation, that I can't catch the messages that they are sending to me. That doesn't mean that they aren't sending them. So, if you don't get a sign, please don't believe that one wasn't sent.

Somewhere, there is a pretty little tiger/torty cat named Peachy, and a big grey mare named Hennessy who are experiencing the perfect life, while they wait for me. It comforts me to know that they will greet me, as I pass, even before my beloved humans do.

I have two oldsters, Stormy who is 29, and Promise who is 21. They will leave, with the passing of days, and I dread thinking of them going. But, I know that they will be waiting there, too, for me; if Stormy isn't too distracted arguing with Willem over which one gets the schatzies.

Let yourself cry and feel pain and sorrow, because that is how we humans heal ourselves. But open your heart to the thought that they are there, in that perfect place, waiting for us.

[FalseImpression]

Oh horse_poor, there is a Rainbow bridge. I saw it last night.... my husband and I were driving over to a friend's house for a party, when we noticed the beginning of a rainbow forming. Within a few minutes, it had become the most vivid, colourful, perfect rainbow we had ever seen. The sky was a dark gray which made the rainbow even more beautiful. People would stop on the shoulder to snap pictures. I was already choked up watching this and thinking of all the horses up there when there was one big rumble of thunder. That did me in!!! They were dancing up there and having quite a time. So I am sure Aero, Willem, Chiquita, Skippy, Liz, Smokey's way, Nothing Trendy, and all the others were having quite a party. Of course I had to explain why I was crying... my husband just thought I was nuts. Everybody at the party was talking about the rainbow and my husband made me explain what it meant for me!!! I was so surprised that so many people there loved horses and told horse stories!!! I gave you a big hug there Molly....

A suggestion to you: when a horse passes on at our barn, so far the owners have posted a sheet with a picture of the horse and talking about him/her, explaining why they made their decision and asking us to please speak/don't speak to them if we see them. Thanking everyone for their support and suggestions if anybody wants to do something in the horse's memory. It has made it very easy for us to get a card, we all sign it and we hug the owner whenever we would see him/her. That way we knew if the person wanted our comfort or would rather have been left alone and the approach was made easier for us and for them.

You will only become stronger because of this and Aera will be even prouder of you.
A.

[horse_poor]

The past two mornings I have woken up, my back has been killing me--like the way a back hurts after you have ridden when you havent ridden in awhile--not sure what that is all about.

I also have had dreamless sleeps--I slept 12 hours last night and dreamt of nothing--I only had dreams Thursday night.

I am watching a movie right now and they are sitting in a restaurant and the tableclothes looks suspiciously like Aeros dreaded tablecloth blanket. That gave me a ghost of a smile.

Today is the first clear and sunny blue day since THE day and it is a crisp fall day. I have no desore to do so, but I will force myself to go visit Brown and Rosina. I have tried to pretend to be concerned about Browns newly discovered tiny bone spur from his PPE xrays---and a few people I have spoken to and I have decided that if they do not buy him, then he was meant to be with me. After all, this will be the second almost purchase that fell thru. And I think ROsina was sent to me to eventually give me a foal with the essence of Aero--I so wish I had his Aero's pedigree to find something in his family to breed Rosina to. Like I said Aero was a legend that began and ended with himself.

I spoke with Coreene at length last night and I mentioned eventually closing this thread--she said people had been emailing her asking if I am ok and she asked why and they said because I seemed so sad and it made them sad--sahe said if it makes you sad then dont read it---gotta loff Coreene. Part of me feel bad expressing my pain here because of making people sad and dredging up memories for people who have had to do this in the past---but on the other hand I think I would have wanted to read about these feelings and emotions had I not had to do this yet and refer back to it and know that feeling like this is normal and someone else out there has felt this badly.

Also while this really has nothing to do with the other but on the other hand it does, I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and have been for almost 13 years and it has been pounded into me to not kept it inside as it will only build resentment and poison and come to a head and blow one day. In the recovery world, sharing who we are, where we came from, and where we are now is a part of the growing process, as someone will take the words of your story and use it themselves. And somehow thruout this, I have managed not to start drinking again--I told Jen22 if I were able to I would keep myself in a drunken stupor for as long as possible--I have however picked up a few 6 packs of Odouls Ambers and pretended they would make me go into that heavenly drunken oblivion were there was no pain and nothing mattered---and really the only thing keeping me from drinking the real thing is the consequence of a horrible hangover, of which would do me in when I came crashing back down to the reality of of the loss of Aero. As luck would have it I do have a script for xanax that I have used when I needed it to take the absolute panic off at night when the whole world seemed to be at peace and I was in the throes of grief.

Many people have approached me about writing a book and I laugh--a book about what? And they say about your love for Aero and I said the most magnificent book about loving a horse is already in print and Merry wrote it. And frankly, who would care about my obsession and adoration and unconditional love for a broken down giant chestnut snotty horse, except for me and those who knew him.

I wish there was a schedule of grief...on day one you will sad, on day two you will feel angry and regret, on day three you will both, on day four you will feel all of the aboveon day five you will feel a bit better.....but can I say there is no rhyme or reason to these feelings? They cycle and make no sense---and being the fact based person I am, it drives me crazy--I like order, although you cannot tell from looking at my house, but there is no order to my emotions.

WHne I lost Ted, the horse dog that visited Aero so many times, I was devasted as he had only been with me dor a few months--he had been shuffled around from home to home and finally came o me--i believe he had a stroke as one day I came home and he was in his kennel and gone---I grieved and was angry as I did not have enough time with him and was told by many that he was sent to me to a loving home so he could finally die in peace and feeling loved--after his death I found out why he had been in so many homes as he was aggressive and a biter, etc but never acted that way with me, but I was angry that had not been disclosed to me but at the same time I am glad I never knew that as I never would have taken him home.

But the pain I felt over Ted pales in comparison to what I feel with Aero---to whomever asked if dogs go to heaven--yes I think they do, otherwise Ted the greyhound, aka the horse dog, never would have visited Aero. And Ted was one of the few dogs Aero did not hate and try to attack, which says something--when Iwould have my other greyhound and brittany on a leash and go visit Aero, the greyhound would shirk back in terror--Britty was not so afraid--I would put her in his stall when he was on stall rest and they would sit and stare at each other--Britty is very non aggressive and not nosey and knew how to give Aero his space and she would curl up in a corner and just stay out his way--he would not pin his ears at her or try to attack her, which was nice, as he really did hate dogs. I think he appreciated the comaony in the sense of if he was stuck in a stall someone else might as well been stuck in there with him. Tried a goat---remember the scene from "Seabiscuit"....yeah so that did not work. Other dogs he had no patience for and id kick and severley injure my old roommates great dane who dared to enter his stall while he was eatting--if I recall there was a somehwat controversial thread abut that here on COTH.

He was turned out in the indoor once and was creaking around when a barn cat came out and he suddenly went from a creaking walk to a wild man with ears pinned galloping and striking out at the cat. Poor cat. The night before he left me I was in his stall putting his tablecloth on and has thee stall door open a bit and one of the new barn cats came to the door to peer in--Aero in all his 17.3 hh bulk tried his best to hunker down and sneak up on the cat, head low, ears back--I shut the door before we had a cat death on our hands. he was quite clever when the stall door was open a tad as he would get his nose in it and shove the door open and try to escape. As part of the Cushings he always had itchy funky skin and would itch his neck on everything and anything---when he was in the country house he would scratch on the poles supporting the run in--the BO once mentioned she was afraid he would knock down the run in from the ferocity of which he scratched.I would scratch his neck for him at times and he would sreeeeeeeeeeeetch his head out and have a look of bliss,

Before our last and only show I put a slinky on him to keep his braids straight and it was red and white and blue stars---I called him Captain America and I have never seen a more embarrassed horse in my life.

I have been doing some thinking and was wondering if there are any agencies or organizations that need wraps--I have a ton of mismatched standing wraps and track bandages from when he bowed his tendon--I would haunt tack swaps to pick them up as he only needed the one leg wrapped and he would destroy them---he would pick and chew on them--I sent 4 of them to MCS for sophie and I normally cannot stand to have mismatched wraps and they have not been used in a while so I figured someone somewhere should be able to use them--some are not in great shape but they are functional and some of the track wraps have had the velcro gnawed off of them but could be secured with duct tape--let me know of anyplace that can use them. They are not painful to me as they have not been used in a while and I know he would want someone else to have them. Perhaps I should put them up pn the auction--or should I just send them some where?

It is currently 36 degrees--God how he hated the cold. When he would go outside in the cold he would stop at the barn door and hesitate. On Wednesday when I was coaxing him outside to the covered round pen, it was drizzling and he stopped at the door and refused to go. We played tug o war and with a huge sigh he started hobbling again--I have to wonder if he knew I was leading him to his death. I knew in my heart I was but had not accpeted it.

Molly seems to have returned to normal but the CFP has been very very quiet and standing off by himself. The CFP was the first and only pony Aero ever liked.

I am torn about Aeros purple winter blanket--he has not worn it since last year and am wondering if I should put it on Rosina--it has been washed, etc and now only smells like fabric softener and waterproofer---would he mind? I will simply tell Rosina it is new as she does NOT do hand me downs.

The odd thing about this whole thing is on Monday I was at Wal MArt getting this and that and picked up some chromium and magnesium for Aeros supplements and something told me to put them back--so I did.

Tuesday night I was talking to Jen22 about Browns impending PPE and I told her I had a yucky feeling and she said did I think it was about the PPE and I said I did not think so but I had a horrible feeling in my gut that would not go away--I could not describe it but it would not go away. Now I know what it was.

I have to chuckle a bit because for whatever reason I am watching a fly fishing show right now and Dorina suggested to Aero that he take up the hobby of fly fishing when he moved to the country house....

I am spinning around in my head the spiritual connection with these guys--some of these guys we have not met--Coreene said that on Wednesday she was walking back to her desk from another department and kind of stopped and knew he was gone--that was at 10:15 her time, 12:15 my time, which is when he left me. I think we spiritually connect with horses we do not know when they resemble ones we do know--I feel connected with so many horses on this board thatI have yet to ever lay eyes upon. Is that weird?

I have no desire to ever ride again--Thrusday I went out to grrom Rosina and get her ready to transition from the quarantine area into the herd and really did not care--she was so skittish and jumpy she made it difficult to care--I have not been out there but have people calling to tell me how she is doing--evidently she stands at a round bale and gives every horse a snotty look and anytime another horse tries to approach her or even looks at her she squeals---I tried to explain that she has a 10 foot radius of personal space you do not dare enter--I guess Brown has made all types of new friends. I am glad Rosina came to me while Aero was still her as if she came after, I would not be able to lookat her as I would think she was Aeros replacement.

Aeros cushings has taught me to be so in tune with my horses diets--I sat down with the barn manager at the new barn and asked exactly what they were getting to eat, from a break down of grain to percentages of the hay to what exactly was in the mineral ick outside--they have tuns of a mineral lick with molasses and the boarders refer to it as horse crack--Aero would have loved it--I am happy with their feeding program and have stood back and observed t he care they give--I had thought about finding a place to live closer to that barn and moving Aero there but alas that was not happen--and when I moved the two horses there I knew I needed to keep Aero here so I could keep a 24/7 watch on him and I am glad i did--he left me from a place he considered his kingdom. It also good I am not working now because if I were, I would not have been here that morning nor taken the time I needed to grieve.

After Aero left and jeske was leaving, she asked how my other horse was doing and isaid which one and she said OMG you have more than one other one and I said yes and explained how rodina came to me and she shook her head and said I was crazy and I said that certain horses were sent to me for a reason and she smiled--yes it is odd i suppose to someone looking in for a person with no job supporting three horses, one quite high maintenance, but you do what you have to do. Now there are only two and hoping Brown is sold, there will only be one and I can find a fabulous job I love and dive into my devotion to her--i do not even know her yet.

Once again I have rambled...sorry...I am now going to force myself to go the other barn and give Rosina some attention

again thank you for your stories that make me feel somewhat normal and not like an emotional freak

[Dancing Lawn]

I usually plant a climbing rose bush, along my barn wall, when any pet crosses the bridge. This year, I was too busy with everything else, so a lot of roses didn't get planted. But next spring, I'll be planting a few, and be assured, Aero will have one planted for him, as well.

[darkmoonlady]

Dear Horse_Poor, I know this may be a little out there for you or others but since it was such a profound experience that reinforced my beliefs and took away any doubt that the rainbow bridge exists I thought I would share. Years ago I went through regression to learn about past lives (I know but whether you believe in it or not I say if it helps it doesn't matter if its real). During that process I had the therapist ask me about why I felt so connected with horses, when in this life, I am disabled and because of my physical condition can't ride. She regressed my but instead of any past memory I found myself standing the most beautiful sea of grass and trees I have ever seen, blue skies, sunshine, and horses of shape and sizes everywhere. I began to notice horses coming toward me, horses I knew throughout time, and I got to greet them and remenisce with each of them. Now mind you I have not had a single horse with me in this life save a pony I met at camp who I knew I had known before. But there was something so amazing in this experience, to know horses have souls, and that they go on, and are in a truly peaceful and happy place and can come back if they so choose. If they stay, they wait for you, and know you on sight and are happy to see you, they remember. I spent time with four horses like that and I know that even in this life when I can't ride I will again someday on this side or the other. And so will you Horse_Poor, I have no doubt at all, there will come a day you will ride Aero through a sea of grass on a warm summer day that never ends. I know its kind of out there but I hope it helps.

[horse_poor]

Oh dear God someone take this pain away from me right now--i cannot live with it and i am sure it is going to kill me

I just took his stepping stone out to the round pen the imprint of his body is still in the sand along with the drag marks from when they took him--I put his stone under the round pen cover and went and got some flowers from the flower box he was so intrigued with--most were dead but there a few hearty souls that were still trying to grow thru the cold--I took them and put them next to his stone and curled up next to it and cried like I have never cried before and I am still crying and feel as if I will never stop.

someone anyone tell me when this will stop and go away because I just cant take it---please...make it stop and go away i am begging and i will give you anything you want to make this go away..please

[desilu]

I'm so sorry that none of us can take the pain away. All I can do is reassure you that time heals. Cry and grieve all you want, you're allowed. One of my favorite quotes is from one of Rita Mae Brown's books that I read not to long after I had to put my mare down. I will paraphrase since I don't have it in front of me but it is along the lines of your heart is not breaking, it is expanding to allow another love into your life. So take courage, time will heal your heart. The first year is the hardest as most here will tell you.

We are all thinking about you and would gladly help lessen the pain if we could!

[SweatySaddlepad]

Oh Horse_poor I wish I could take it away . I too would curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably, I remember well that aching pain in my chest. It (the horrible pain) does pass but I believe we must allow it to course through. I'm pushing prayers your way......

[Starsnstripes]

HP, Wow. How sad this time is for you. The days are bleak and empty. The reminders...his bucket, his brush, his pile of manure, tail hairs caught in a latch...each one seems to lash a new scar on your heart. Life, incredibly, goes on. Only you're not in it. You are numb and stuck. You want to turn the clock back to a happier time or you want to fast forward to a place where there is no pain. But you can't. Like being stuck in quicksand. Your feet are heavy, your heart is heavy and it takes all your energy just to move from one spot to the next. The only emotion you feel is utter, complete sorrow. It seems that there will never be light or happiness or contentment in your life again - ever.
But, and this is a guarantee, happier days DO come. I lost my husband seven years ago in a car accident. I was in complete shock for weeks. I felt like I had ice water in my veins. And EVERY day for a YEAR I thought about him. I even got angry with him for leaving me behind to deal with all life's turmoils while he was enjoying eternal bliss. And then I felt guilty for feeling that way. It was an emotionally viscious time. Then three years after I lost him I lost two of my beloved horses within two months of each other. Talk about pain! And I own my own farm so there was no avoiding the barn, their stalls, their buckets and brushes and poop piles. I even grieved over sparrow nests that had incorporated these horses' tail hairs in their nests! And I didn't grieve alone. I had the 10 year old daughter of one of my lost horses and she had spent her entire life in the company of the other two. Now she was completely alone. Her grief seemed to match mine.
But, and here's the guarantee, time DOES make it better. That's a promise. There is no such thing as closure IMHO. But there is acceptance. The lives and the losses of those we loved become part of our personal story. As humans we must grieve and wail and sob and endure a state of complete wretchedness. It is a way of emptying out all the pain. But eventually the scales begin to balance again. And the day does come (although at the time we're not conscious of it) when we don't think about the lost loved one at all that day. I know this sounds incredible and that you would almost feel like you were neglecting their memory and that would be most unforgivable. But here's a truth. Aero knows, in the wisdom of his big brown eyes, that you will never forget him BUT he doesn't want you to lose your life or your happiness or your future over him. That would make Aero unbelievably sad.
So, in time (and no one can tell you how long a time), you must find another equine partner to love and adore. Aero would insist upon this. No horse is so selfish that he would want your love only for himself. It's one of the ways they are so much wiser than we are. Sit quietly and let Aero show you the way. Let his love heal you. When the time is right, do it for him.

[Brenda]

Hi H_P,

I have read all the stories on this thread and I certainly feel your pain over Aero! I have a story for you I hope it convinces you that with time you will never forget Aero and he will never forget you.

When my daughter turned 4 y/o we bought her first pony for her. He was a beautiful petite palomino gelding, all of 9 or so hands. His name was Rio. In my eyes he was a POS and was very mean spirited. In my daughter's eyes he was the greatest, he could do nothing wrong. Even when she was walking him around and pawed her in the back(left marks!), would runnaway when trying to catch him from the field(unless of course she had some form of candy to give him!) and bucked her off! She loved him, no matter what. Well, he died when she was 7y/o. Her world had ended when he died!

After this she would see him everywhere. We would be driving down the road and she would see him flying along the power lines following us. She would tell me of her dreams that included him. When she would get upset about something she would cry and wish he was still here. Her feelings for him came out for years. This was all very difficult for me to understand because being a factual adult and not feeling this much pain towards any animal that I had lost.

Fast forward 7 years, my daughter is now 14 y/o, she still brings him up on what he would like and not like and still when she got upset, she would say how much she misses him. For Christmas last year We got her a horse. His name is Jack and looks nothing like Rio. He is a QH type, over 16 hands and black with 2 white socks and a stripe on his nose. They had an immediate connection. Everyday after school, she drops her backpack by the back door and goes out to him. He is waiting for her. If she goes in the house first, he nickers for her. About a month ago, we were driving down the road and out of the blue my daughter says she believes that souls are recycled. She went on to tell me that she believes in her heart that Rio's soul is in Jack. She went on to explain how it works. She said she believes that when an animal/person dies ther soul searches for a new body and when it finds an appropriate body, they enter the body. She told me that when Rio died his soul must have entered Jack's body. And that is why they are so close. Mind you the new horse is nothing like Rio, temperment or otherwise. But he does truly love her. She sees Rio in all kinds of things that Jack does, like licking the goodies from between her fingers, to him following her around like a puppy.

In June I self-diagnosed Jack as possibly being Cushing's. Being the factual person that I am, I couldn't keep the information from my daughter, since she was always making "creations" for him. When I explained what Cushing's is, she got upset and thought she would be losing Jack soon. We are handling it all quite well now that we both know more.

To finish up with my message, I know you are in deep, heart wrenching pain right now, but you will eventually get through it and you will never forget Aero. Everything will remind you of him. With time you will feel better, but you will never forget him.

[mpeylin]

HP - when I'm down and depressed and grumpy, it helps to divert my attention. Go rent a sad movie (or a happy sad movie - anything that'll make you cry). Get some bubble bath and some more (i'm sure you've been through A LOT) aloe kleenex. Take the bath, have your oduls, light some candles, rent the movie and cry your eyes out over something else. I dunno ... I've found that it helps.

And your thread. it makes me sad, but smiling sad - not at your pain, but at your love for him (does that make any sense?). And I hope when my day to be brave, like you were, comes, I'm brave enough to do what you did, to be there, which is my greatest fear and consumes my thoughts. And reading this, you've given me some strength for when that day does come.

HUG. I sent you my IM -- if you need anything, ever, I'm on all day at work.

[horse_poor]

I have not replied since my last post as my hands are now full with brown---he cut his shoulder wide open

when i saw brown at first with his shoulder i fell on the floor and sobbed that i could not take anymore and a kind boarder i had not met picked me up and let me sob on her shoulder and took my hand and led me to the office

and when i called the woman leasing him to tell her she showed up and freaked out about how she paid x amount for the PPE and now she has to pay for this and she would offer me x amount on the spot and I looked at her and said this was not the time or place to talk about it then told her if the finances of a horse were too much to just walk away and she then screamed eff you molly you walk away and screamed eff you over and over as she ran out of the barn

i was stunned


she then called the BM back and said she was coming back with the vet--I told him I would leave as I was comfortable with the vet coming and him, the BM there as I could not deal with this psycho woman at the time and Jen22 is coming out to supervise

my gawd--do i want this woman buying my horse--i can only hope it was an emotional outburst over the well being of the horse but what happens if something bad happens to him when she is owning him---in the lease contract it clearly states she is responsible for all routine and emergency vet bills and i did not tell her to do a PPE with 5 xrays---i think she has had a rude akwakening to the expense of a horse

it is never ending

[MeanderCreek]

You have my most sincere condolences on the loss of your much loved Aero.


<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by horse_poor:
Oh dear God someone take this pain away from me right now--i cannot live with it and i am sure it is going to kill me

someone anyone tell me when this will stop and go away because I just cant take it---please...make it stop and go away i am begging and i will give you anything you want to make this go away..please <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Second, its not going to kill you unless you let it. YOU have the choice to allow this experience make you a stronger person, or to let it drive you to destruction.

Third, the pain will dissipate in time and eventually be replaced by peace. My suggestion is that you immerse yourself in the new mare or the other gelding or finding a job or doing something, anything, positive with your time and energy. I know it feels like you don't have any energy, but if you push yourself the little bit you do have will be redirected into whatever POSITIVE thing you find to do.

Keep thinking of and loving the old horse, but you can't exist with that being your entire self for very long so don't let it be. At least go through the motions of doing something.

When I've lost horses I've loved I've felt like dying, but I have another thirty or so that depend on me and a SO and farm to run so I can't wallow in the sorrow as much as I'd like. Its not easy, but I find I need to pull myself together and get on with life. Living in complete misery isn't exactly a nice way to honor the ones I've lost.

Fourth, please try not to be angry with the people around you. Everybody handles these things differently. For example, I know I'm not fit to be around humans so I stay away from people for a couple days. I know my vets and my help and my SO are sorry, they know we don't need to talk about it for me to know they're sorry its just a given.

Lastly, I know this isn't going to be popular here, but lets put this in perspective. Your aged gelding who was having fairly signifigant health issues was euthanized after a long and happy life in which he was well cared for and very obviously well loved. Your only child was not just diagnosed with lukemia, your mother is not dying of cancer, you are not starving to death on the street, the love of your life was not just killed in a car accident. Your horse's time came and you were there to help him through it as painlessly as possible. Yep, its tough but NOWHERE, NOWHERE, NOWHERE near as tough as what innumerable other people are facing right now. Count your blessings.

[horse_poor]

Meander--I understand your very well written post but at this point in time, its sits about as popular with me as Katherines quote de jour---not very high. I understand you were trying to help....

I have gotten one of those candles/lights that people put in the windows at christmas in my bedroom window--hoping maybe it might help aero find his way to me in case he is having a hard time.

I cannot remember who posted the soul link for horses but i read it with goosebumps--it was very similar in ways to how aero described the tunnel and the bridge as the horse dog wrote it.

I got some more flowers for aeros memorial site and have this urge to grab some sand from the spot where he last laid down--why i dont know, but i just do--because once they drag it, it will just be sand again. i tried to find a pinwheel but i guess this is not the time of year to find them--he liked them---must a been the flashbacks to his wild child days -he would just watch them with great interest-not scared of them but curious

my 8 yo wrote him a letterthanking him for letting him ride him in show and it is ok that he bucked because he liked it and it made him laugh and he was not scared at all.

i magically found the photo cd i thought he took-turned up in a place i looked a million times--i should check it and see if it has been erased-however the rubberband ball is still missing

in doing some digging i came across a paint by number a friend gave me as it looked just like Aero--forgot i had it and might sit down and attempt it sometime-havent done paint by number in forever--

wow it is 3 am this what time i usually wake up anymore--not sure what is up with this insomnia all of a sudden--guess i am emotionally charged from aero and the whole brown deal---luckily his aftercare is not too terribly involved--cold hosing and topical stuff for a few days-i am hoping she accepts this lease ending as i do not trust her to do it right-----and the good thing about aero is i learned so much about aftercare of various maladies.

cant wait for the month to be over-this brown crap should be done with if not sooner and i will be further along in my aero healing...

[Louise]

You need to listen to what MeanderCreek is saying. You need to start pulling yourself together. No one is denying that you have the right to feel grief and pain. We all know what you are going through, we all have felt the same thing. But, sometime along the way, and very quickly, if you don't want to sink even more deeply into depression than, I think, you already have, you need to start making a conscious effort to pull yourself out of this.

Here is a site that is concerned with pet loss. There is an on line counselling chat tonight, from 8 to 11 PM Eastern time. I would suggest that you brouse around this site, and take comfort from all of the others that are suffering like you are. Get help, horse_poor, I think you need it.

The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement

Please take the time to take a look and, if this site isn't right for you, either search for other sites, or see if you can't get some counselling help right where you are.