RIP Aero

[marta]

HP,
(((hugs)))
... i'm speechless...

[redopp]

horse-poor -- I hope you had a deep, dreamless sleep. Today may be difficult, but we're all here with you.

If you decide it's something you want I can make a tail-hair bracelet for you. I'm not skilled enought for anything fancy -- the one I wear is a simple narrow braid with silver clinchers to hold it together, and a little heart charm hanging from it. (I can e-mail you a picture if you like.)

sending you hugs, and wishing you peace and comfort.

I'll make myself let go now
For you've got to go away
I'll never hold you back my love
I'll not stand in your way

[goobs]

I am in tears once again reading this thread. Horse Poor - my whole heart goes out to you. We've all been there - it's so horrible. The myriad of emotions you are going through and I know your eyes must be puffed up, pink and slits by now (mine always were and people thought I had an allergic reaction to eye makeup) from the crying will soon fade. Those 2 years you had with Aero sound full of precious memories. NO matter how much you hug them, dote on them, etc. every day - you always look back and think "it wasn't enough." That shows how much you loved him though because you feel that way. Your love is so powerful that it cannot be denied that he still feels it and is reassured by it.

I am sitting here thinking how strong I will have to be for my friend when she lets her beautiful old man go by the end of the month. To whomever posted the poem "only the best" I printed it out to give to her. I will tell her old man to look for Aero when he gets to the bridge.

Love to you.

[Cindeye]

Hey H_P. Woke up thinking about you this a.m. Just put one foot in front of the other today and hang in there. ((((((((((Horse_Poor)))))))))). I'll bet Aero's knee deep in tequila shots by now!

[horse_poor]

Good Morning Guys--

I slept a deep dreamless sleep last night---with some help of some xanax, I might add.

I opened my eyes this morning and took a deep breath-my first full day without Aero.

I then called my mom, the most anti horse person on the face of the earth--she does not know about Aero or the other two, so I told her he was technically not owned by me but his owner had abandoned him etc---I hate lieing about it but I hate to listen to her lecture me about how expensive, dangerous, etc horses are. I told her this was the horse the kids rode and handled and how bad he hurt and horrible it was for him to go down and she was actually decent and said he is not in any pain any longer and he is in a better place and listend to ne cry for about a minute then had to get into her vovlvo while wearing thee latest birkenstocks and dash to work I told her I needed to tell the kids as Colten, my 11 yo is a very sensitive child and I think will be very upset--ALex my 8 yo will be sad for 2 seconds and ask if he can have a new pony. I also emailed my ex husband and asked him when the best time to talk to themwill be--i do not want to dump this in them at a bad time, ie before school, etc. I guess my whole point to this babble is that I was touched that my anti horse mother took 30 seconds to say she was sorry and listen. So that was cry #1 of the day.

Then I saw the BO outside talking to DeAnn, who owns a little Arab mare that was sooooooo in love with Aero and Iwent out to talk--DeAnn said she Kathie had told her Aero was now gone and she was sorry but he is now pain free---I took a deep breath as the tears were coming again and managed to choke them back and said thank you--DeAnn was one of Aeros greatest fans--she mentioned that my eyes looked like golf balls --I told the BO I would still help with Barn chores but I needed to take some days off and collect my self and thoughts--I also said I would help with the barrel show tonight as I need to stay busy.

Upfront I am going to apologize to all of you and the mods for my ramblings--in essence it is a journal of sorts, but I am also hoping that days/months/years from now someone will see this after doing what I had to do and have their feelings justified and validated and not feel so alone. There is comfort in knowing that someone else has felt what you feel.

I finally read the card that Jen22 brought over last night--I knew I could not read it at the time and Iwould like to share it:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Molly: I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but for whatever its worth, I'm here if you need me. You've become a great friend to me, and I think that's exactly what friends are for. Aero was very lucky and sowere you to be together. You gave him everything you could-never doubt that. He and Gem spoke and he wanted me to get you something special. He hoped that would help. We love you--- Aero (I loff my mom), Gem (the Dairy Queen), and Jen PS He thinks you're worth MUCH more than 25 cents. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This was the card accompanied by the purple roses and sparkly chestnut Beanie baby that Aero would have thought was festive but not trashy--as you know you can only be so slittery. And I have to laugh because Gem, Jen22's horse is an Appy but has no spots and looks a lot like Brown---lets just say Gem is thick boned and a bit stocky and Jenn22 has been her mom since June, so now the honeymoon period is over and Gem is testing her limits. Now the reason I bring Gem up is this: Aero has never met Gem nor has Willem nor Dorina--but you see, in essence Gem is the girl behind the counter at Dairy Queen wearing pink sparkly lip gloss with matching fingernail polish snapping her gum and asking what d'ya want---she makes a mean blizzard and we know how Aero and Willem felt about Dairy Queen ice cream. Gem is quite excited as she was promoted to shift manager and is quite pissed because school gets in the way of her new career and boyfriend (A big mean chestnut who batters her on occassion) Gems mom refers to her a lumberwagon on occassion because to put it delicately, Gem needed to lose 150 pounds when she first got Gem---ok I am rambling again but my point is now there is a horse with full access to the ice cream Aero and Willem loved and evidently she makes a mean Reeses PB blizzard.

I just got the following email from someone who used to own Aero and it made me so proud of him

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Molly, I am so sorry. Thank you for being there for him at his final moment. Aero was my first horse - the lifelong dream finally come true! He was a generous and skilled teacher and he loved to compete. I remember vividly the feeling when I got jumped out of the tack and Aero balanced himself to
stay underneath me. And the feeling when I missed a turn on a bending line to a jump and Aero being able to just canter half-pass back into the line - what a joyous rush! He will be missed. There was just something about him - his was really intelligent and such charisma! One of those that could light up the room. Take it easy and again, thanks for being there for him. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> This meant so much to me--it just proved to me what a phenomonal horse he was.

Aero taught so many people in this area how to ride and was very forgiving--I was told that when he was younger he was quite hot--imagine that--he never really used his side to boss people around like some larger horses do--one of his previous owners told me at a barn he was boarded at they would open the gate and let the horses walk into their stall thru the outdoor ring and Aero came barreling around the corner and caught the arena door with his hip and did some damage---to the door!! I guess he was ok but the door was not. So typical of Aero.

I feel like people in the barn and around me are avoiding me--but I s'pose they are uncomfortable and are not quite sure what to say. I am now at a point where perhaps I need to move--my other two horse are at a nother barn and I left Aero here so I could keep an eye on him--but now he is gone and there is no reason for me to remain and it makes more sense for me to moce closer to my other horses--aa decision I am not going to be making for a while.

I know yesterday one of my regrets was that we did not do Aeros retirement ceremony at the fair as we had to back out last minute as he tied up a few days before--I was not there for the fair, obviously but I received an email expressing their sympathy and asked if this was the hrose the honored at the fair this year---could it be that they did a little something even though we were not there? I felt bad for putting them in a tough spot as it was a last minute back out so I guess they did what they could and I am so grateful for that--if anyone happened to be t here for it could you please let me know what they did if anything--I know he was in the show program but I do not know if they said anything in the arena about it.

I just looked out at the barn and had a fleeting thought of walking out to see how he was doing then I remembered that I cannot. I may put a copy of the drawing Rfath did with a rose and a RIP sign on his stall since I do not have a gravesite to visit.

I would like to plant something to honor him but it needs to be something in the house that I can take with me. Jenn22 suggested a purple mum (as in the QUeen Mum--hehe get it?) and I also thought a philadandreon as it is a hearty sturdy stoic plant--any other suggestions? Coreene will be planting something in her garden for him.

I am just feeling very heavy this morning--I am deciding what I should do with his purple winter blanket--he had not worn it this year andd it is clean and does not smell like him---do I pack it away with the rest or do I use it on Rosina? I have his sheets in a garbage bag with his halter and the blanket I covered him with, including the tablecloth sheet that Coreene advised me to put away and take out at a later date. I am in a quandry about the purple winter blanket.

Jenn22 sat with his tail in her hands (and I have it in my lap right now) and cried and cried last night--we both agreed it smelled like him--almost a patchouli mens cologne kind of smell--is that crazy? I tried to rebraid it last night and some of the smaller hairs rained down all over my desk and keyboard. When I got him his tail was so so so sad so I spent many an hour conditioning it and baggin it and am proud to say it was almost touching the ground yesterday and thick and luxurious. I have a stupid and somewhat morbid question but now that this chunk has been cut, will the hair deteriorate and get dry and brittle?

I do not think it was coincidence that it was a dreary and drizzly rainy day yesterday when he chose to go--he hated rain and cold and dampness---it is now 39 degrees and damp and dreary which suits my mood, and I know his bones and joints would have ached this morning--now he does not need to worry about that. But even if it were sunny and gorgeous yesterday and today, does it not always feel like it is rainy and dreary when you say goodbye to your best friend?

Again i am so sorry to ramble...my mind is spinning but I know someone out there has felt what i am feeling now nad someone in the future will need to know that someone else felt like this.

The guilt I feel is not because I let him go--it was probably the best rash decision I have ever made and I cannot even say it is rash--we had many a dress rehearsal coming up to this point--but it happened so so fast and it was a decision that was so so hard. But sometimes the best thing is not the easiest thing. I think I feel guilt because maybe I should have done it sooner? Myabe he was telling me and I did not listen? But I really do not think so--the look he gave me straight in my eye said so many words.

Yesterday when I was cleaning his stalll the parents of a girl who boards here were here to meet the vet for their horse and I had mentioned I did not know Dr Bob was coming out as Jeske had been there eralier to put Aero down. As I was cleaning his stall very slowly, taking in everything--the big old butt print in the bedding, his hay strewn around, his water buckets with hay floating in them, they asked me what he dies sof--I simply said he coliced the night before and we suspected he severely wounded his leg--then they asked me what colic was and patiently tried to explain it to them without being rude,as I really wanted that time in his stall---then they kept asking questions and I almost turned and screamed "THIS IS NOT 20 QUESTIONS--MY HORSE IS DEAD AND LAYING 50 FEET FROM HERE--LEAVE ME THE EFF ALONE!" But I did not and luckily they wandered off.

As I said right now I feel so so heavy and so so tired. Still have not eatten because I think it will come right back up. I am sustaining on coffee, Dr Pepper, and cigarettes--and bless Jen22's heart for finding an extra lighter in her car for me when mine died last night and I could not find one of the gazillion I have laying around--because, lets face it, all the cigarettes in the world do no good when you have no fire and I really did not want to burn my eyelashes off lighting them on the stove. Jenn22 and I joked that Aero took all of my lighters with him because he wanted me to quit smoking as it was uncouth, however he is a hypocrite as enjoyed a pipe or a cigar on occassion. Maybe thats why he took all of my lighters

And Coreene I forgot to tell you--when i called Jen22 to tell her Aero was gone, I announced it in the way you told was the proper CAway---except that my voice was breaking with sobs. But I think he liked having his death announced in a California way.

Brown is having a PPE today and I am hoping Aero is telling him exactly how to behave so that it goes well--Jenn22 promised him a hot dish if he does well. He was PPE in August and had no issues but the way this month has gone I would not be surprised to have something come back saying that Browns leg is about to fall off or something.

I thought seriously last night of just getting out off horses completely---when/if Brown sells that leaves Rosina--but would Aero want that, even if he was insanely jealous of the time I spent with other horses? Is that what I want?

Ok enough rambling--again guys thank you--without your words I would not have had the balls to do it--and who ever posted that he indicated he was sure it was time but i would not allow myself to acknowledge it was time (sorry if i did not quote it correctly) was the one that made me come to my senses--and then those saying if there is no way you could miss the look and you will know were so right--i was just caught up in the "what if we try.......maybe such and such will work" and ignoring "the whisper" the horse dog told Aero about. You guys made such a difference--I am amazed at how people I have never met could influence such a huge decision and Freebird helping me go thru the facts---I think it comes down to listening to your head and part of your heart and ignoring the other part of your heart that whispers the "what if we try.......maybe such and such will work"

And most importantly, allowing yourself to be open and listen to your horse. Coreene was so right about the 1000 mile stare---he gave it to me straight in the eye for about 15 seconds then turned his head to look at the jumps in the ring. When he screamed it was a different scream, as he would scream when he could not see his favorite horses but yesterday he only screamed when he saw me---then the last time he screamed and every horse answered him.

I have not checked on Molly this morning to see how she is doing--I know she knows by the way she was smelling my coat yesterday--Coreene suggested I let her smell his tail--the CFP appears to be doing fine and Rhumba, his latest house mate in the country house has been calling for him--such a sad sad call.

i have followed everyones advice about crying when I need--it is very cleansing but also very exhausting--I have gone thru an entire roll of toilet paper--easier to carry around than a kleenex box.

And can I just say that as fast as it happened yesterday---the vet called at 11:48 and said Jeske could be here at noon--I walked around my house very rationally and gathered the scissors, rubberbands, treats, a wad of toilet paper and a brush and walked out there knowing what NEEDED to be done--the rubber bands broke and I started to panicthinking if I ran back to the house to get more I would waste precious moments with him so I just tied knots in his tail. I was willing the vet to get there quickly before the "what if we try.......maybe such and such will work" voice got too loud and to end his pain but also willing her to take longer so I could have extra time with him. I knew yesterday had to be the day--I knew he could not wait until today--it needed to happen yesterday for him and for me. And I did not relaize it was 15 months and one day after Willem crossed. I so wish it was one year from now so the pain would not be so fresh and I could focus on the fun memories--remind me to tell you the story about him pooping on my head--he thought it was quite funny--

Thank you my friends for helping me thru this and to those of you who have had to do it, thank you for sharing your experiences and for those of you who have to do it in the future, please take strength from those around you.

[Portia]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leslie S:
Dear Horse Poor,

This is just a note to let you know what you already know - that you did exactly the right thing at the right time and in the right manner. We could all feel it.

Aero went quickly and peacefully. It was very simple, straight forward and calm and he never had a moment's fear or trauma. Aeros spirit left gratefully and gracefully, off to soar out of his aging body.

Your are the one left saddened. Grieve for as long as you need, and feel no remorse or guilt about it. Whenever you get too sad and miss him too much, know that he is in a place where the grass is always green and there are no bugs. He feels no pain or stiffness, nor any physical limitation. He knows no fear, and he will remain forever young. Remember the joy and happiness he gave you in all the good times, and how you shared a bond that was your destiny together.

You have done a brave and wonderful thing for Aero and you handled it perfectly. Aero went with a dignity and peace befitting his devoted heart.

One last thought, that no matter how deep his spirit sleeps, not all the power of death will keep him from hearing you call his name when you remember him. Bury him deep within your heart and he will stay with you forever.

Sincerely,
Leslie <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How beautiful. Welcome to the boards, Leslie. You've already contributed wonderfully.

[Prairie]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>But even if it were sunny and gorgeous yesterday and today, does it not always feel like it is rainy and dreary when you say goodbye to your best friend? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm sure this is true. I was wondering how your were today. Please try and eat something today. Wish I was there to heat you up some chicken noodle soup. (I'm a mom, can you tell?) Keep posting, talk all you want, we'll be here.

[Adelita]

Oh honey,

We love you.


(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Linda

[birdsong]

Horsepoor...You have people from all over the world with you as you go through this sad time. I am amazed and warmed by all the outpouring of love that has been sent to you by the wonderful people on this board. What an exceptional place this forum is with truly caring people.
I sobbed yesterday afternoon and had to work with swollen eyes...(I'm not a pretty crier) and now I have begun again.
As for your rambling...its cleansing to write your thoughts down and touching for us all to read them as we understand so well your love and of your pain with your loss.
For me, I carefully read your desriptions and the advice of all as I have an aging gentleman that will be following Aero and all one day. He is 30 now and thankfully, still heathly. He has been friend now for 22 years and I don't know how I will face the time when it comes. The eloquent outpouring of advice filled with love that you received is something I want to save for our time when it arrives.
Yes, please take a nice hot shower, eat something you enjoy and remember the wonderful times with a smile. He's Ok now.

[arcadia]

HP you wrote on Pg 12 that you only had Aero for two and a half years.
They were the two and a half years that counted the most. You made his last years count, you comforted him and went on a health roller coaster ride. But that is exactly where you were meant to be. You were hand picked to be the one to love him and make sure his final days counted and that he was allowed to leave this world with dignity.
That to me counts above all else.
Take it one day at a time, hugs to you

[MissBri]

Horse Poor - I am so very sorry - but please know you did a most unselfish thing and gave Aero the greatest gift a partner can. As far as a memorial 'thingy' contact someone that does horse portraits or sketches. Gather a bunch of photos of Aero, full shots, funny shots, head shots, action shots. These will give the artist an idea of his personality. Have a nice picture done and double matt it in purple and gold. This will be something you will treasure forever and something that can go with you wherever your life leads. Good Luck and God Bless YOU!

[Skeezix]

H_P, I hate to sound like your mother again, but you need to sustain on more than coffee, cigarettes and Dr. Pepper. Aero loves you and would be upset if you got sick!

As far as his clothes, if it would cause too much pain to put them on Rosina, is there someone special at the barn who is perhaps cash poor who would appreciate having them? Or perhaps, a rescue who could use it. Putting them to really good use might help you some.

I am so sorry you are having the "should I have done it sooner" guilt feelings. But I think you did it at the right time. I think the dress rehearsals were not the right time because he had some living left to do. That wonderful picture you posted earlier of Aero and that child with their ribbon tells me that.

Lots of hugs, hang in there, we are all here with you.

[jetjocky]

Just saw this thread and wanted to tell you how sorry I was.

[Cindeye]

H-P: White Food will stay down...dry toast, a plain baked potato, plain pasta, plain rice. Do try to eat something even if it is only a little at a time. The more rest and fuel you give your bod, the better you will feel. I know that sounds impossible right now, but you really will feel better at some point.

[The Pie]

sending you hugs and strength.

[ken]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've read previous posts about Aero & felt like he was part of the family. I'm sorry that you did not have more time with him, but it sounds like it was time well spent. Go ahead & share his blanket with Rosina & his other things too. Spread his love around. He is not gone, he is simply in a happier place. Don't mourn his passing, celebrate his life. Big hugs

[Nikita]

I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for your loss.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

[Quinn]

H_P, I'm so so sorry. There's just never enough time for us to love them here on earth is there? Take care and allow yourself time to grieve.

http://community.webshots.com/user/ballyduff

[horse_poor]

I have decided to go get one of those mosaic stepping stone kits and put his name on it and put inbetween the two round pens near where he took his last breath--I am also going to plant purple tulips

I do not need to have a portrait done as Rfath did such a beautiful one of him and I will be getting in framed and matted in shades of purple

I am getting ready to go visit Ro and Brown and pray that Brown behaves during his PPE

His blankets will stay in the bag for a while--I unbraided and combed his tail out and have it hanging on the picture of u/s under saddle for the first time since his bow

the tears come and go and I feel like I have been hit by a truck

[trevorstreats]

As the owner of a 31.5 year old QH gelding, where I am painfully aware that we have fewer days ahead than behind....

I can only hope that I can be as strong for my friend as you were for Aero.

Reading this thread makes me cry for you & your loss, but it has also helped me be more aware of what to expect when my day comes. Thank you for sharing.

As a newbie to the board, it's nice to see that the COTH board members are wonderfully supportive.

{{{{hugs}}}}