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My daughter is being targeted in the barn... teen pranks on 10 yr old...

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  • #101
    First off, size has nothing to do with it--I've been in 99% growth percentile my entire life, and was taller that everyone in my class right up through the 11th grade (when the boys FINALLY started catching up) and I still got the snot kicked out me when I was younger. For several years I was in a school system where I got bounced ahead, and was a 4th grader in class with 8th and 9th graders, and I got beaten up. A lot. I got hit in the head with rocks, shoved off the slide, tripped, hit with things, and hand my hands shoved in an electric stapler.

    But frankly, that crap was a walk in the park compared to the mental abuse that junior high school and high school age girls can inflict upon one another. I had days in the 7th grade that made me PRAY for a big ol rock to the head.

    I was not to blame for this abuse. However, as has been mentioned, I made a great target. I didn't stick up for myself, I cried, I was just generally a really fun target. So though I was not to blame, I was in some respects, responsible. Because I LET them get to me. I LET their opinions about me actually matter.

    And then one day, when I had hit rock bottom, I realized that these people were pieces of doo-doo and that I had no reason to even exist in the same plane as them. So I started ignoring them, making my own life at the barn, other friends, and just went on with my life like they never existed. And pretty soon, it all just stopped.

    If your daughter is going to idolize and tag around with kids that much older than her, and allow them to be "important" she is going to get bullied and be the butt of jokes, and there is nothing you can do about it. You can talk to the trainer you can talk to the kids Moms, but it will only switch the bullying from physical to mental/emotional, so that it's more hidden. When she decides she's had enough, and is ready to make them NOT important, then the bullying will stop.

    You, and I truly speak from expereince here, can't REALLY do anything here, except maybe stop the worst of the physical stuff. My Mom stepped in when I'd come home with bruises, but it never stopped anything.

    This is very much about learning to find your way in the world and stand up for yourself. It sucks, it's miserable, and it does bear watching because "kids will be kids" doesn't always cut it.

    But at the end of the day, this is your daughter's work to do, not yours. Best of luck to you both.

    Comment

    • #102
      I have to say that I agree with Robby on this one and I'll admit also to not carefully all 5 pages. What I feel I need to add is, instead of saying "poor pony" and shaking your head when the stall is icky for days on end, do something about it. I'm sure the pitchforks aren't kept locked up. Why just sit back and complain while the pony stands around/lays around in his own excrement?
      "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
      http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

      Comment

      • #103
        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JackieBlue:
        I have to say that I agree with Robby on this one and I'll admit also to not carefully all 5 pages. What I feel I need to add is, instead of saying "poor pony" and shaking your head when the stall is icky for days on end, do something about it. I'm sure the pitchforks aren't kept locked up. Why just sit back and complain while the pony stands around/lays around in his own excrement?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

        I can't imagine that JSG is saying "poor pony" and then not doing anything about it... the fact remains that these kids are not fulfilling their jobs at the barn and there needs to be repercussions!

        Comment

        • #104
          Robby: I AM a mom, and I would not tolerate anyone "torturing" my precious daughter. However, I too read between the lines (as I think you did) and the "whiz kid" part really clued me in. Normal parents don't go on a public forum and state that their children are prodigies. Read it again, people. This poster is either a troll or one of those completely overinvolved people who live vicariously through their children.

          Love your posts!
          M

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          • #105
            Your daughter sounds like me at age 10. I was small, shy and sensitive. Basically, I was and still am on occassion, a moving target. What I would like to caution about is that if you move, it will happen again somewhere else. There are mean, jealous and ill behaved children everywhere! What I would do is stick around at the barn whenever possible. Don't drop her off while you go run errands or something. Your child is 10, she probably can't defend herself at this point, especially against kids who are 3 to 5 years older. They won't pick on her when you're there. If you really fear for her safety then speak to the other parents directly (forget the Coach, he/she doesn't seem to have any control there) AND stay nearby when she's around them. My other note of caution is that when children get away with behaviour like this they will keep getting worse until they get caught. This could be a very dangerous thing.

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            • #106
              MdLib -

              What words of mine did you use? I never told the original poster to "back off."

              I asked her a few questions and as I see it she has yet to respond. Was it a troll? Who knows.

              Everyone else has assumed I wouldn't be concerned for the welfare of a child in an abusive situation. That is not the case. I guess I was just trying to affirm that the situation was truly abusive before I added my "do something about it," comments.

              Of course, to inquire to a bulletin board community whether or not something is abusive leads me to believe it's probably not. So what was the point to begin with? That someone was being mean to your child? It happens, sorry to say.

              Would love to make the world a shiny happy place for everyone. Sadly I cannot.

              Robby

              Take me to the river, drop me in the water
              http://community.webshots.com/user/rbjohnsonii
              When blood is the beverage of choice, the sharpest fangs feed first.

              Comment

              • #107
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Robby Johnson:
                Are you for real?


                You've said your peace, to the trainer, etc., so just back off.

                _ Take me to the river, drop me in the water_
                http://community.webshots.com/user/r...></BLOCKQUOTE>

                Robby Johnson, let's just forget it. I admit that I reacted viscerally and recklessly.

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                • #108
                  Robby, I must have read a different Robby Johnson's post, because I was pretty certain your first post did tell the mom to back off after she talked to the trainer...

                  I suspect there is a little bit of truth in both points. Maybe Mom has created the impression among these teenagers that her child is a better than them. If so, it doesn't mean JSG is a troll. We all think our children (or in my case, nephew) are the greatest kids on the face of the earth, and we can subconsciously leave these impressions with others. It could be a good wake up call to make sure mom isn't contributing to it.

                  But regardless, I agree that leaving teenagers to bully a younger kid is not in anyone's interest. Yes, they need to be taken to task for their behavior. But on the flip side, it's a good idea to make sure that they don't have a 10 year old tagging along 100% of the time she isn't in her lesson...

                  Call your village. Their idiot is missing...
                  Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck that back in.

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                  • #109
                    You can tell I've had a horrid Monday already - I even re-read my original post and could've sworn I didn't say back off! Hello! Right there in black and white.

                    R.

                    Take me to the river, drop me in the water
                    http://community.webshots.com/user/rbjohnsonii
                    When blood is the beverage of choice, the sharpest fangs feed first.

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                    • #110
                      As the mom of an 11 yr old girl, let me give you my point of view...it is I that stands between the world and my children. Sometimes I need to step aside and let my child deal with the unpleasantness. But, I am always there to make sure she is safe. I would never, ever tolerate that behavior toward ( or from) my child. I also would not be at a barn where that behavior was taking place.

                      Comment

                      • #111
                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Robby Johnson:


                        I asked her a few questions and as I see it she has yet to respond. Was it a troll? Who knows.
                        <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                        Robby, if you look back at her recent posts, she definitely does not fit the troll profile.

                        Hopefully we didn't chase her off...

                        "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship."
                        -Louisa May Alcott
                        "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." ~ Jack Layton

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                        • #112
                          The difference for me is that this isn't children of various ages playing pranks ON each other - this is a group of kids one age playing pranks AGAINST one other child of a younger age.

                          It's pretty normal for kids to tease, joke etc. As long as it's recipricol and not planned etc. This sounds a bit too organized and clearly TARGETS one child. Makes me extremely concerned.
                          Summit Sporthorses Ltd. Inc.
                          "Breeding Competition Partners & Lifelong Friends"

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                          • #113
                            Having read most of this thread... I'm caught in a conundrum. Like others, I too am picking up on "overprotective mother" vibes from the initial post, and that may be part of why I think this is getting blown out of proportion. But you're right, it also didn't really occur to me the age difference we're dealing with here... that's a bit more of a problem. But the one I REALLY want to discuss is what many of you have been throwing around, ie,

                            THE TRAINER'S ROLE!!!

                            Barns function very differently, some are small, some are large. I VEHEMENTLY DESPISE the idea that the TRAINER is responsible to keep kids from getting teased at her barn. The barn is a barn. The trainer is making a living teaching, riding, whatever... It is NOT daycare.
                            Now, as far as physical touching, I think it is easy enough (and probably a good idea) for the trainer to say "Do not TOUCH her." Do not put her in a stall, do not hold her in the air, etc.

                            That takes care of the worrisome physical element here. Beyond that, it is not the trainer's responsibility to make sure that everyone is always best friends at her barn. The older kids might tease her, might read her the wrong dressage test, might do all sorts of things. It's mean, and if they WORK for the trainer, its different... but if they're just all "clients", I say it is NOT the trainer's job to police teenagers.

                            Half of Riding is 30% mental ... no wonder there are so many bad riders

                            Comment

                            • #114
                              Wow, this post turned out to be more controversial than I first thought.

                              I have to say referring to your daughter as a "whiz kid" and intimating that is why the other kids pick on her may have had something to do with the responses you have received.

                              That said, I have generally found that bullies don't pick on kids because they are good at something - it's usually for no particular reason except (1) their younger/smaller/etc. or (2) they have an attitude about how great they are. It sounds to me like its most likely #1 in your case, but how can I know for sure?

                              I have read and reread the initial post on this thread and I am on the fence. I do think, however, that I am going to give the poster the benefit of the doubt. Let's say you daughter is really being bullied and you're not overreacting. If this is so, then you need to find another barn - and fast. And in the meantime, you need to supervise your daughter at the barn. If there is dangerous behavior going on and no other responsible adult is taking care to watch out for your daughter, then you need to be there. Period. (apologies to you if you are already there all the time she is there, but I assume if they are getting the opportunity to lock her in the trailer then you're not there all the time). If this is as serious and malicious as you think it is, GET OUT. If it's really that serious, don't take any chances.

                              Get another barn - it's not worth the heartache to you or your daughter. If the trainer is allowing this behavior to go on, the she isn't worth your money.

                              But don't blow this out of proportion either. If your daughter has to wait her turn, well, so does every one else at some point. Your child can never be liked by all the kids all the time. Just teach her to be modest, respectful, and open and to stay away from the kids who pick on her. And try to find a barn with more age appropriate frieds for her.

                              And one more thing - 10 is young. When I was 10 my mother never dropped me off at the barn and left me alone - perhaps if I had a lesson, she's leave and be back by the time it was over, but I was never left unsupervised at the barn, and she never expected the trainer to be looking after me every minute.


                              Comment

                              • #115
                                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> We all think our children are the greatest kids on the face of the earth <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                You mean she's NOT??

                                *****************

                                Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
                                *****************************************

                                Book: If you take advantage of her, you\'re going to burn in a very special level of Hell, a level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. Firefly

                                Comment

                                • #116
                                  This is a controversial issue but it shows that parenting is not an easy matter. And as all you mothers know, no matter what is done or said, you will be blamed because you are the mother. If we try to supervise our kids, we are the overprotective horse show mom. If we don't, then we have the snotty, bratty kids that every one complains about. If anything I would err on the side of caution. And if I had brickbats thrown at me, then so be it that's my job as a mom. I think that 15 year olds should not be horsing around like this with a 10 year old.

                                  I have had experience with my daughter(11) being bullied at her school and becoming an at-risk-student for nearly a year before she was able to transfer out. And this was at a Christian school where you would think they would know better.

                                  I do think the trainer has to establish a code of conduct.

                                  Comment

                                  • #117
                                    I am a high school dropout because of bullying by older kids.

                                    (It all turned out OK - I have an engineering degree from an elite university.)

                                    To this day I do not know why I was singled out, or what I could have done differently. I was a quiet, polite little kid, young for my grade. One or two teachers tried to actively help, and generally they made things worse.

                                    Is your daughter upset? If she is, then I think you should look for a new barn for her with more kids her own age.

                                    As for the trainer, she needs to look at how these kids are behaving and what she might do to shape and encourage better behavior from her students. But she will probably not be able to stop it at this point.
                                    If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. - Lemony Snicket

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                                    • #118
                                      Where is JSG?

                                      She may not agree with all the advice/thoughts given here, but I think she'd at least reply...

                                      maybe she's decided we all just don't understand, and are jealous of her daughter?

                                      Half of Riding is 30% mental ... no wonder there are so many bad riders

                                      Comment

                                      • #119
                                        Well, it's possible that she is either at work, or resting up after spending the entire weekend with her daughter at the barn.

                                        OR,

                                        She is out shopping for troll food.

                                        MCL

                                        Inner Bay Equestrian
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                                        • #120
                                          What???!!! You mean, not EVERYONE checks the COTH board at least 20 times a day???

                                          Half of Riding is 30% mental ... no wonder there are so many bad riders

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