Oh Lammie, 
I am crying along with you. As so many others have said, please know you are not alone. I have found that other horsepeople are the most understanding in these situations.
I speak from experience...here are two examples....the barn I board at had a Rhinopnemonitis outbreak (yes, our horses had always been previously vaccinated for Rhino) a few years ago that turned into the paralytic variety for some, and we ended up having to put 4 horses down. It was heartbreaking, sad beyond anything I have ever seen. Many, many other horses got the virus (including my horse) were very, very sick, and it was touch and go as how much neurological damage had been done. While as people we are all a little different (we are young, we are old, some have money, some don't, some are really serious about riding, some are not, some work at the barn and plan on making horses their career, some are still in school, some have "non horse" related jobs...the ususal mix of riders and boarders one usually finds at a barn), the one thing that brought us all together was our love for our horses. As they were struggling between life and death, we put our (sometimes petty) differences aside and we were there for each other...150%. Each time one of the horses had a setback, or when we had to put a horse down, the sorrow of it was equally felt by all. We did a lot of leaning and crying on each others shoulders. Eventually, things got better and (very) slowly we all recovered, horses and humans alike. It took a lot of time, but things did finally got back to "normal". We are all most definitely in agreement that those of us who were there to witness the whole thing (from start to finish) will never, ever forget it.
Then, less then 2 months ago, a friend of mine..she was one of the instructors at our barn, in her early 20's, who was an AWESOME rider (was nationally ranked in the USCTA standings in the top 5 for her level) and just a great person, died from head trauma following a freak accident from falling off her horse in a lesson (and yes, she was wearing an approved helmet). She was rushed to the hospital trauma unit and kept in a drug induced coma. Doctors were optimistic that she would make a full recovery, it would just take time....however a day and a half later she hemmorhaged and she died. Like any other sudden death, no one saw this coming and believe me, emotionally none of us were at all prepared.
Once again, we congregated at the barn, put our differences aside and were there for each other. Whew, I didn't think I could cry much harder then I did as when we were going through Rhino and seeing our beloved horses become so sick, helpless, and paralysed, but boy, I think we all cried till there was no more tears when we lost Jasmin. It's been a rough time. For the first week after she was gone I cried at least 3 times a day, at the drop of a hat. Didn't matter where I was...home, work, at the barn, etc. It has now been almost 2 months and while I no longer cry daily, I am somewhere between a laugh and a tear when I think of her and all the memories we all shared with her.
I digress...Lammie, my heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to you..my point on the above two instances (both of which were covered in previous COTH BB threads at the time they happened) is that horse people understand the loss of a horse, the complexities (sp.) of the relationship we have with our horses, all of the emotions it entails, better then anyone. Even if you cannot mourn with your family (at least until your Mom gets home!) or with your "barn family", please know that we are here for you, we understand, and we will see you through this. Time does heal. keep posting, we need to know how you are doing.
BTW, your horse was very handsome! And as so may others have said so well, you were there when it counted the most, and I have no doubt that Sebastian knew you were there and appreciated it greatly.
I am crying along with you. As so many others have said, please know you are not alone. I have found that other horsepeople are the most understanding in these situations.
I speak from experience...here are two examples....the barn I board at had a Rhinopnemonitis outbreak (yes, our horses had always been previously vaccinated for Rhino) a few years ago that turned into the paralytic variety for some, and we ended up having to put 4 horses down. It was heartbreaking, sad beyond anything I have ever seen. Many, many other horses got the virus (including my horse) were very, very sick, and it was touch and go as how much neurological damage had been done. While as people we are all a little different (we are young, we are old, some have money, some don't, some are really serious about riding, some are not, some work at the barn and plan on making horses their career, some are still in school, some have "non horse" related jobs...the ususal mix of riders and boarders one usually finds at a barn), the one thing that brought us all together was our love for our horses. As they were struggling between life and death, we put our (sometimes petty) differences aside and we were there for each other...150%. Each time one of the horses had a setback, or when we had to put a horse down, the sorrow of it was equally felt by all. We did a lot of leaning and crying on each others shoulders. Eventually, things got better and (very) slowly we all recovered, horses and humans alike. It took a lot of time, but things did finally got back to "normal". We are all most definitely in agreement that those of us who were there to witness the whole thing (from start to finish) will never, ever forget it.
Then, less then 2 months ago, a friend of mine..she was one of the instructors at our barn, in her early 20's, who was an AWESOME rider (was nationally ranked in the USCTA standings in the top 5 for her level) and just a great person, died from head trauma following a freak accident from falling off her horse in a lesson (and yes, she was wearing an approved helmet). She was rushed to the hospital trauma unit and kept in a drug induced coma. Doctors were optimistic that she would make a full recovery, it would just take time....however a day and a half later she hemmorhaged and she died. Like any other sudden death, no one saw this coming and believe me, emotionally none of us were at all prepared.
Once again, we congregated at the barn, put our differences aside and were there for each other. Whew, I didn't think I could cry much harder then I did as when we were going through Rhino and seeing our beloved horses become so sick, helpless, and paralysed, but boy, I think we all cried till there was no more tears when we lost Jasmin. It's been a rough time. For the first week after she was gone I cried at least 3 times a day, at the drop of a hat. Didn't matter where I was...home, work, at the barn, etc. It has now been almost 2 months and while I no longer cry daily, I am somewhere between a laugh and a tear when I think of her and all the memories we all shared with her.
I digress...Lammie, my heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to you..my point on the above two instances (both of which were covered in previous COTH BB threads at the time they happened) is that horse people understand the loss of a horse, the complexities (sp.) of the relationship we have with our horses, all of the emotions it entails, better then anyone. Even if you cannot mourn with your family (at least until your Mom gets home!) or with your "barn family", please know that we are here for you, we understand, and we will see you through this. Time does heal. keep posting, we need to know how you are doing.
BTW, your horse was very handsome! And as so may others have said so well, you were there when it counted the most, and I have no doubt that Sebastian knew you were there and appreciated it greatly.
I have never lost a horse to death, although my mom's horse is getting up there in years (35) and I know the day will come soon, but I know how heartbreaking it was to sell my mare, and I know she's alive and healthy.
. Know that wherever he is, he knows that you loved him. Allow yourself to grieve in remembrance of his wonderful life, but don't riddle yourself with guilt over his death. 
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