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UPDATE!-Lost another

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  • UPDATE!-Lost another

    i recently replied to a post about vetting the young horse. In that post, I explained how I had lost my heart horse to neurological problems and vetted the heck out of the next one-a three year old.

    Some additional back back story is that my husband hated the horse (secretly) but encouraged me to keep original horse when I got offers on him "because it made me happy." After buying second horse, he left the marriage. Apparently the horse was a deal breaker but he never had the balls to say so. Off he went with an affair and was gone less than a year after me buying a second horse.

    To throw into the mix, I have two daughters that ride. One quite seriously. I bought the new horse from the estate to keep for the kids so they didn't lose that as well. I really couldn't afford it comfortably, but I made it work for them. I had strength I never knew I had. So to recap: heart horse dies Oct. 2014, buy new horse May 2015, divorce Jan. 2016.

    Now last Friday night (two days ago) second horse has a reaction to a routine medication and dies. My daughter and I watch the whole thing as she had just finished her ride. Needless to say we are all devastated. I'm trying to hold it together for the kids but I'm still honestly mourning the loss of my marriage/nuclear family, all they have lost (dad has not been good-too absorbed in new family he's creating), mourn for their losses and now this horse dies an unexpected and unnecessary death right in front of us. We watched him seize for 20 minutes until he passed.

    I just cant stop crying and the kids are so heart broken. I am on an antidepressant from the divorce and I have a psychiatrist but none of that will help the process get along any faster. Therapist involved as well for girls and I see her when needed. I just want my life to be easy and happy again.

    Has as anyone else went through something similar and can give me hopes? I do have insurance money (assuming they don't fight it) and could tap into my saving to replace him, but it still hurts so damn much. I feel like I've majorly pissed the universe off and it's payback time. Thanks a for the long read.

  • #2
    I don't have any advice, but I do have big huge virtual hugs from afar.

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    • #3
      So sorry to hear your bad news. Hugs to you and your girls.

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      • #4
        I can't remember which of the Roman philosophers it was who basically said the goddess Fortuna must be stupid, since she can't distinguish the worthy from the unworthy. The universe is capricious and sometimes cruel, and this is a bit of bad luck that stupid Fortuna has spun for you, not the calling in of a karmic debt. Stop wondering if you've done something to deserve bad luck -- you haven't. Losing a loved one (2- or 4-legged) when the chips are already down is incredibly hard, but the worst pain is temporary and life will get happy again.

        All you can do right now is get through it, which you will -- it sounds like you've already tested your mettle and proven to be strong. Give yourself permission to grieve but stay connected to your support network (incl. healthcare providers and therapist). Maybe consider a lower-commitment way of getting your girls some horse time if you think it is an important part of their strategy for coping with recent losses (e.g. lessons on schoolies or find a part-lease horse) instead of jumping back into the financial burden of ownership while you recover from this loss.

        Most of all, I hope you can be kind to yourself and hang in there until the sun comes back out.

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        • #5
          So sad. Cascading losses can make each new loss worse even if it is relatively minor (people can hold it together through multiple deaths in the family and then fall apart when a dog dies of old age). The horse is also a last link to happier days.

          Husband didn't leave you because of horse. Husband was already thinking of leaving when he encouraged you to keep horse because he knew he was soon going to make you unhappy, is my guess. Quite likely he was already starting the affair.

          I think for your girls' sake you need another horse.

          The universe does not deal out good or bad things, such as horses reacting to a batch of meds. These are random. There is no intentionality in the universe. Yes, our actions have consequences but not always the ones we expect. And horses are freakishly delicate in some ways.

          You are all going to be feeling incredibly guilty about this too. Try to let it go.

          Teens have in many ways more ability to move on than adults because they are cognitively emotionally and physically still in a growth spurt. It is much harder as an adult to move on when you are at the point choices seem to be getting fewer and loss is real and permanent.

          Get your girls back in the saddle as soon as they feel like it, maybe lease for a bit, to give them the opportunity to continue doing what they love and are good at. Also so they realize you can move forward through some kinds of loss at least.

          Comment


          • #6
            So sorry things are not going well for you and piling on top of it with the death of your horse.
            There are no words for that, it is what it is, hugs all around to you and your kids.

            Glad that you and your kids are under professional care.
            What do they suggest you may do, if, when and how to fit horses again in your lives?

            I would suggest, since you say it was tight to keep owning a horse right now, why not spend some time getting your kids lessons first, eventually maybe leasing?
            It would be much less cost financially and emotionally and they would learn to handle different horses also.
            Riding many different horses can be an important part of any serious horse person some miss with their loved horses to care for and ride.

            At least until things settle a bit more and you are ahead on the path your lives is now, all this some time in the past, before you decide where to go next.

            Comment


            • #7
              I agree there is no chance your husband had an affair because he secretly didn't like your horse. That is just your irrational hurt feelings speaking. I am sorry you are experiencing so much heartache right now. Godspeed
              McDowell Racing Stables

              Home Away From Home

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by x-halt-salute View Post
                I can't remember which of the Roman philosophers it was who basically said the goddess Fortuna must be stupid, since she can't distinguish the worthy from the unworthy. The universe is capricious and sometimes cruel, and this is a bit of bad luck that stupid Fortuna has spun for you, not the calling in of a karmic debt. Stop wondering if you've done something to deserve bad luck -- you haven't. Losing a loved one (2- or 4-legged) when the chips are already down is incredibly hard, but the worst pain is temporary and life will get happy again.

                All you can do right now is get through it, which you will -- it sounds like you've already tested your mettle and proven to be strong. Give yourself permission to grieve but stay connected to your support network (incl. healthcare providers and therapist). Maybe consider a lower-commitment way of getting your girls some horse time if you think it is an important part of their strategy for coping with recent losses (e.g. lessons on schoolies or find a part-lease horse) instead of jumping back into the financial burden of ownership while you recover from this loss.

                Most of all, I hope you can be kind to yourself and hang in there until the sun comes back out.
                This, dearest OP. This message, a thousand times.

                Please be kind to yourself, for you are struggling on a road I don't think anyone envies you. It is a challenging one, and it sounds like you have been navigating it as best you are able with grace, dignity, love, and healing (both for yourself, and for your girls). I am so, so sorry that you have experienced another setback on what is already such a tough road to be on.

                When bad things happen (especially in succession) it can seem like life, the world, or fate is against us. That we've done something to deserve all the hard knocks that we've been getting delivered to us on a silver platter - but I promise you, that's not the truth. It sucks so terribly that bad things happen to good people (especially when bad things keep happening), but it's nothing you've done to deserve this, nothing you've done wrong. No one deserves any of these events, no one deserves to have their heart broken like this.

                People will grieve differently (you, and your children). The timeline and the process looks different for everyone. As you figure out what that is going to look like for you and your daughters, I think it might be wise to look at a lesson schedule or a part-lease, so you all can take some steps down the healing process, as well.

                I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Big hugs to you and your daughters.

                Comment


                • #9
                  No advice but a huge virtual hug to you and I'm sorry you are going thru all this.
                  "Cats aren't clean; they're covered with cat spit."
                  - John S Nichols (1745-1846,writer/printer)

                  Don't come for me - I didn't send for you.

                  Comment

                  • Original Poster

                    #10
                    Hello all. I just wanted to provide an update. After much thought and discussions with those that know me, the girls and the situation, I decided to replace the horse. We have had the new horse just a little while now, but are all in love. He is super sweet, talented and brings true happiness to all three of us. We spent the weekend making memory/shadow boxes for both ponies (sold when outgrown), heart horse and the one we lost in February. All will be hung in the house to remember daily those special moments with each of them. Next weekend, we will pad new horse’s stall and make him a bubble-wrap suit Thank you to all the kind words and support.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I am so happy you found a new horse that is doing well. I love the idea of the shadow boxes.

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