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That unpleasant person at the barn.

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  • #21
    A club which allows members to bring guests to enjoy the amenities of the club almost always requires that the member be present when the guest is visiting, and any guest that overstays his or her welcome usually gets shown the door right quick.

    Do the other trainers on the property have to carry their own insurance? If so, it would be legitimate to ask the barn owners/manager if PNB has provided proof of insurance since she is being paid to ride horses there.

    Comment


    • #22
      With all kindness, I have to say: you have made this very, very personal. I think that is a mistake. It is easier to discuss things objectively when you aren't as emotionally invested. From your posts, it's clear that this girl is galling you, but you also add commentary in that's completely unrelated to the grievances that, from my perspective, lead me to imagine it might be challenging for you to bring this up with any form of powers that be in a way that could be as persuasive as you might need it to be.

      One very solid recommendation is to accept that you don't know all facets of the situation. Your experiences with her are very negative - but it sounds as if there's some uncertainty as to who is aware of her mechanisms, who greenlit it, etc. The reality is, that's not for any client to know (business agreements between individuals aren't - and shouldn't - be information that's casually expected to be shared).

      The method for dealing with troublesome people (from the very mildly to the extreme) rarely varies. Remove yourself from interaction if she presses. If she's involving you in something (videoing? I feel like the way I read this was more your fears of this occurring, not that it has actually happened?) everyone should feel comfortable and willing to politely and firmly request someone to stop in-the-moment. And then of course, legitimate grievances that have actually occurred (and preferably, the ones that can be verified by an impartial third party or other corroborating evidence so as to avoid just seeming to be a witch hunt and/or other emotionally driven complaint).

      At the end of the day, you can lobby around to management or other ownership how much you spend vs whatever they spend, but be prepared to have it pointed out to you that there are factors at play you may not be aware of. While it's a legitimate option, it's a bit like going straight to pulling the pin out of a grenade and carrying it into a conversation, IMO.

      And then of course: no one can steal our peace from us without our consent. It is so much easier said than done, but it is never too late to work on this. We spend too much time and money on horses for it to be a joyless experience.

      Comment


      • #23
        As Scribbler said, you are way too invested in this. Almost oddly so.


        It's cool that you donated a gazebo or two. You donated them. You gave them. No one owes you anything and while you may have improved the stable atmosphere with these gifts, that does not put you above anyone else. I, personally, don't have much time to sit around at the stable, so this would not matter to me. Others may feel the same way, so if they are not used so much or mentioned, it's not personal. If they are used, that's great, but again does not make you above anyone else at that stable because you chose to gift something.
        ??????

        ??????If you are really hating life at this stable, 7 miles to the other stable is not that far? I don't understand that part. Unless you live in a horribly congested area and those 7 miles are going to take 30+ minutes.


        I understand that this is your hobby/passion/downtime/investment/whatever so it can really put a thorn in your side to have someone disturb that. We know that we will not be liked by everyone, and vice versa, but it's especially difficult when that blends into a hobby that you are passionate about. That being said, don't focus on this individual and what they are doing or what they are going to be doing. I think that you went a bit far when you speculated about their future children. That's a bit much.

        Who cares if she trains horses for little income? Who cares what she rides? As long as she isn't riding your horse, that's none of your business and between those parties actually involved.

        I understand you want some leverage with the 6 month board thing, but it's also weird to put your barn owner in that position. Somewhat manipulative. If this individual is putting people in harms way, is a safety concern, or damaging the environment (not just yours) that badly, it warrants an adult discussion with the barn owners. If they give you feedback you don't like, either swallow it or leave.

        Perhaps there is more to the story of this individual. Maybe she has had really horrible life circumstances outside of the stable and the barn owners take pity and allow this behavior. I am not saying that is right, but they could be in an awkward spot too. Or maybe they do need people to voice (mature!) concerns as others have just skated around the matter in the past and they don't know how much it is impacting the stable.

        You do what you can do. You ignore her, you don't think about her, her life, her future plans, her training, her income, her whatever! You calmly and matter of fact discuss with the barn owners. You go about your business. Do not let it get to you. If things get too bad and you do not like the barn owners management of it, you are free to leave and drive that whopping 7 miles.

        I will admit that this is a crap time of year for equestrians. The cold, the weather, the lack of daylight - - it's all getting better though! So sometimes things irritate us more than usual and things seem more bleek than they are. So maybe that plays into it? I'd focus on you and your trainer. Do not worry about what ifs with this person. If she does video something, handle it then. All the worrying in the world isn't going to stop her. You should be able to notice if she is making a video and stop her directly right then and there. If she has never done this before, what makes you think she'd choose you? Relax. Ride.

        Comment


        • #24
          I agree with the comment above about how we often are loathe to confront conflict. It sounds like everyone is turning a blind eye to her behavior, and there may be an opportunity to simply address it with her straight on. Maybe as simple as "Look, I'm not sure why you choose to be unpleasant around me, but I'd like to ask you to stop. If you have an issue with me, I invite you to discuss it with me, otherwise, please keep your comments to yourself."

          Bullies and sociopaths are not often confronted about their own behavior and it may reset how she views herself and her entitlement, at least around those who speak up (you).

          Comment


          • #25
            OP, this young woman may, or may not (if I understood your post correctly), have called you a b&@*h once? Other than that, what has this person done directly to you or to your horse? What is she doing that interferes with your ability to work with your horse at the barn?

            I don't mean to be offensive, but the more I read your posts, the more it seems that you simply dislike this person and feel as if you should receive better than average treatment at the boarding facility; which seems to mean that this other person shouldn't be allowed to be there?

            As far as this woman's deal with the barn owners, that really is none of your business. It is not your problem if they choose to let her work there, ride there, or consider her to be an honorary family member there. You say that your board rates could go up if she is injured but you don't actually know that to be true so why are you stressing about something that may never impact you at all? The fact that you are sure this person will be unsuccessful, have manipulative children, will get hurt, and so forth really reflects more on your personality than it does on the young woman's.

            You chose to move your office space closer to this boarding facility. That was your choice, not the barn owner's, or the trainer's, or the unlikable young woman's. No one at the boarding facility owes you any special consideration for that choice.

            You chose to gift the gazebos to the barn owner. Again, it was your own choice and giving a gift, no matter how large or expensive, does not entitle you to be treated better than other customers, staff, or guests of the facility owners. If you have made it clear that you feel you deserve above average treatment, the barn owners and/or other boarders may consider you to be a difficult person.

            Paying 6 months board so that you can use it as financial leverage against the barn owner is very likely to backfire in your face. If you go that route, be prepared to be asked to leave at the end of those 6 months, with the shortest notice that the owners are legally obligated to give you. Be prepared also for them to consider it a professional courtesy to inform the other professionals in your area about what you tried to do, branding you as a trouble maker.

            If this young woman has done something directly to you, document it and share it with the barn owners. Absolutely, keep your personal feelings towards this young woman, her riding skill, and her future children, and so forth to yourself when you have this meeting. Stick with facts that impact you, your horse's care, and your ability to use the facilities - full stop there. Complaining that you feel this person should have to pay board or that you should get above average treatment because you gave the facility gifts or work close by will not likely result in an outcome that you are happy with.

            Comment


            • #26
              As others have said: Way too invested and way too personal. You talk about things that are none of your business. Your only concern should be those that directly affect you.

              It seems like the only relevant behavior you mention is that she may have called you a name and you suspect she is talking badly about you. Anything else either doesnt involve you or is a worry about what she might do. Let it go. This relationship sounds way too much like Jr High girls - you need to be more adult (you cant control her, so it is no good saying that she must act differently)

              I agree with going to the stable and minding your own business regardless of what she is doing. Chilly politeness is a good policy. If she does do something you find really offensive (like the video you fear - not talking with others and maybe saying stuff about you that you cant hear) then I would alert the barn owner calmly and without dramatics. Maybe nothing changes, but if she then does something more, at least you wont look foolish freaking out over just that one thing.

              You mention you left a barn before due to an unpleasant person. This may mean that you have unrealistic expectations for the behavior of others at boarding stables. Everyone wont be kind and friendly. You may need to grow a thicker skin and ignore the folks you find annoying so that you can enjoy your horse.

              Comment


              • #27
                Is the NB a person who would retaliate against someone's horse? Is that part of the reason for not confronting NB or just ignoring her? Otherwise, agree with those that say you just need to develop a tough exterior and ignore NB and don't let her ruin your time at the barn.

                Do you ride at times when there are other boarders there so there can be strength in numbers? Do the other boarders feel this way about NB or just those that don't allow her to ride their horses (I'm guessing the latter). Address your concerns with your trainer and let her take it up with the BO's. It needs to be a collective complaint from several boarders and not just you to make the situation look more valid and not just a personal issue with you and NB.

                Comment


                • #28
                  Originally posted by PonyPenny View Post
                  Why do we women have so much trouble with conflict? Guys would just tell her to STFU and move on. You should do the same.
                  I totally agree. Bully is synonymous with coward. I would get in her face and tell her to bloody well F off. She'll turn red and leave you alone.

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    It sounds to me like you have created an elaborate world in which this person is a huge bully, completely disconnected with the reality of the situation. Let.It.Go. Your weird manipulative behavior prepaying and desire to write a letter outlining your issues with this person would make me very happy to encourage YOU to leave.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Am I blind? This is your second post about her and I can't see a single place where this person has spoken to or interacted with you in any way. She or possibly someone else said the B word 40 feet away from you and there is no evidence they were even talking about you? She *may* at some point take video of you because that's easy these days?

                      You want to write a letter of grievance, you pay 30% above market so your office is 2 minutes away from the barn because *seven miles* is apparently too far, and you nurse a vendetta against a 20 year old when you can barely list anything she has done to you.

                      Have you considered that you're the problem?
                      Because you're definitely the problem.
                      The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
                      Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
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                      Comment


                      • #31
                        OP, I say this kindly but you sound like a high maintenance boarder. I've met many lovely people who were high maintenance boarders so don't take it as that. I do wonder however, if this might be contributing to the situation. Two barns in a row with the same scenario is a lot even for the horse world.

                        I am not sure what is going for you to reach this level of animosity towards someone that except for calling you a b* (which is inappropriate) is all hearsay. What is the context of that interaction? Does she actually video and edit peoples rides? Maybe you and the people she's done this to, could show the BO the videos?

                        7 miles is farther than where you are at now but really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of barn commutes. If it's a 30+ minute drive to go 7 miles then I could see the issue. However, your decision to relocate your office at a steep price is no one else's problem but yours. I'm not sure why that is mentioned.

                        Using money as leverage on the BO is just crass and probably won't work out in your favor.

                        Could it be this person reacts the way she does towards you because of how you come off? Your posts have a heavy dose of entitlement. You seem to think because you are a paying boarder, donated gazebos, gave this girl a saddle the people involved should be fawning all over you. I wonder if this person picks up this vibe from you and that's why she's not your biggest fan. Not saying her behavior is justified just something to think about. You are the adult in this weird barn relationship.

                        If she is getting paid to ride boarders horses then she has as much of a right to be there as you. From your posts it sounds like she's been at or around this barn for a good amount of time.

                        My advice is to be direct but professional with the girl if she does something/says something to you that you don't like instead of being passive aggressive. People generally don't like passive aggressive people. Maybe ask your trainer what she would say in your position as they know all the players involved.

                        In a perfect world she would be professional in her interactions with you and not let on she doesn't like you. Since that is not happening only you can control how you react.



                        Comment


                        • #32
                          If you pursue your righteous indignation, you yourself may well be on your way to becoming That Unpleasant Person at the Barn in the eyes of fellow boarders and management.

                          IME the way to 'win' in this situation, whether perceived or real, is to take the high road: BE the Pleasant Person at the barn. That does not require extending yourself; it does require being civil and correct in all your interactions. You will come off as the 'good guy'. Which is all anyone can ask for.

                          As has been suggested by others replying here: Brush it off. Ignore this person. Enjoy your horse.
                          No matter where you go, there you are

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Originally posted by Rosem View Post
                            G&T- I am not so much intimidated as offended.
                            Suppose that the stable were a club supported by members dues(board).
                            Suppose that a member who ceased paying their dues 4ish years ago and was dropped as a member.and was only there as a guest of a paying member. Suppose paying member was rarely there and guest of paying member who was making full use of the facilitates of the club, not contributing to the upkeep in general making the experience of being at the club unpleasant for the members who are paying dues and contributing to the upkeep.
                            How would you react?
                            But it's not. It's a boarding facility. If the owners don't have a problem with her, put earbuds in and ignore her.

                            I am part of a co-op barn. We had a border who turned out to be psycho and made us all feel bad about being at the barn so we did go to the owners and explained that the three of us would leave if she didn't. We worried about the care of our horses and she actually accused me of causing her horse to colic (he had a punctured intestine from eating a sharp object). They asked her to move out. So if you did want to pressure the owners, you'd have to do it as a block. Otherwise, try to ride when she's not there and ignore her. Pre-paying won't make a difference. You are only one person.
                            Equine Ink - My soapbox for equestrian writings & reviews.
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                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Originally posted by Rosem View Post
                              OAO - I speculate that PNB is a good part of the reason that the barn was very empty in the fall. I know of one person who took three horses away due to anonymous missives left for her and it seemed to be in the style of NB but there are a lot of cowardly mean women at stables.

                              I was going to in a letter, lay out in dollars how much I spend and why I left the other stable to come to this one.
                              OP, I just reread through this thread. Do you really believe that there are so many cowardly, mean women at barns? Are they all actually cowardly and mean or might they just have personalities or opinions that differ from yours? I understand that any time you put a bunch of different horse people in the same space, there is going to be a bit of tension from time to time. That's because we often have strong opinions of right/wrong in regards to husbandry and training. That is one reason why I chose to set up my own barn and bring my horses home.

                              The amount of money that you lay out for the enjoyment of your chosen hobby should not be of particular concern in how you are treated vs how others in that space are treated. I would think that the 80-something year old barn owners learned a long time ago that the business flourishes when all boarders, guests, and staff are afforded respect and opportunity and that blatant favoritism causes conflict.

                              There is a saying that goes something like this, "If you encounter a jerk everywhere you go, it is possible that you might be the jerk." OP, just be sure that you're not the jerk in this situation. My best advice is to stay out of barn politics, refuse to be the 'spokesperson' for other boarders (let them handle their own drama!!!), and to remember that not everyone there needs to be someone that you would choose to be friends with.



                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Geez um! Put on your big girl panties and assert yourself!

                                You can do it politely or come off as a total b***h, but just do it. Quit making excuses and confront the issue head on.

                                It is a fairly simple life lesson. Things don't necessarily come easy, and sometimes we need to assert ourselves to get what we want or make ourselves happy.

                                Perhaps both you and this boarder need the life lesson- she needs one on how to play well with others and you need to learn to stand up for yourself.
                                "You can't fix stupid"- Ron White

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  MyKindaFlower that snip you quoted! I missed that too. OP, you are assuming the person you don't like at the barn caused another boarder to leave.

                                  You have a weird hang up with this girl. Also noticed the post about you not being intimidated but you are insulted. That tells me you are a passive aggressive person. In my experience people like that don't shy away from conflict. Instead they enjoy creating conflict so long as nothing can be attributed to them.

                                  I wonder if the actual problem you have with this person is she calls you out on your BS. That would explain everything.

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    If you don't like her, then stop following all her antics like a weird fan-girl. IF she actually says something to you, grow up a lot and tell her to knock it off. Tell the barn owners (without the weird passive aggressive pre-paying thing). Move. Its only 7 miles (and no one cares that you're overpaying for your office space. That's not at all relevant.) Stop being offended and do something. You definitely sound like you're playing into the drama.

                                    Comment


                                    • #38
                                      Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
                                      It may be hard at first.
                                      It will become a habit.
                                      The ability to ignore unpleasant people is a great skill to get. These people crop up all over the place.
                                      Just ignore.
                                      They give up and move on when they get no reaction as it is the reaction they are after.
                                      Ignore.
                                      There are people at my present barn I would rather not interact with. I say hello, and keep moving. I have no small talk to make. I do my thing with my horse, I am polite and pleasant, and that is all. I am not part of the people who gossip and whisper in corners, and I do not want to be.
                                      Why would you care what this person thinks about you-- she does not sound like she has an opinion you would value.
                                      Ignore.
                                      A canter is a cure for every evil. ~Benjamin Disraeli

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by Rosem View Post
                                        G&T- I am not so much intimidated as offended.
                                        Suppose that the stable were a club supported by members dues(board).
                                        Suppose that a member who ceased paying their dues 4ish years ago and was dropped as a member.and was only there as a guest of a paying member. Suppose paying member was rarely there and guest of paying member who was making full use of the facilitates of the club, not contributing to the upkeep in general making the experience of being at the club unpleasant for the members who are paying dues and contributing to the upkeep.
                                        How would you react?
                                        What the problem visitor pays or not pays is really non of your business - because your are NOT running this business. You have invested waaaayyy too much emotional energy on her. Why are you letting NB occupy space in your mind? As others have recommended wear some ear buds and go enjoy riding. At the end of the day it is about the health and well being of your horse. Just ignore her, give her a bland smile and bless your heart when she acts out. There will always be that person.... how often do you want to move?
                                        \"You have two choices when a defining moment comes along - you can either define the moment, or let the moment define you.\" Tin Cup

                                        Comment


                                        • #40
                                          Rosem have you discussed this issue with the BO or BM? Personally, if I were a client at a facility and there was someone who was making the environment less enjoyable, I would absolutely say something. I feel like people post on this board all the time presuming that their BO or BM is omniscient. The truth is that problem clients are often a bit careful about NOT misbehaving in front of the BO or BM. Several years ago I let a difficult client go, and I was upset to discover, after the fact, that she had been making my other clients uncomfortable.

                                          I think that step #1 here is a candid conversation with your BM. Try to focus on specific behaviors. For example, it is completely inappropriate for people to video or photograph other people's horses or riding (let alone post that material on social media!) without that person's express permission. Your BM is likely unaware of what is going on.

                                          I would NOT pursue your "write a six-month check" plan or bring money into it. I'm sure your BM is well aware that you are a paying client and the other person is not. The ONLY point here is that you would like to be able to come out and enjoy your horse in peace.

                                          I do feel that in these situations a person should check themselves in the mirror. You do sound a little "off." I have both boarded and run a boarding stable for a long time and I have not at all found there to be "a lot of cowardly and mean women" at boarding stables. This attitude is not going to help you have good relationships with fellow boarders.

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