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Money Talk- Divorced Parent Edition

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  • #41
    Originally posted by ecpolo View Post

    You definitely have a point there. I do think that since he can't be bothered to take her to the barn or shows or do anything at all with the horses it is in her best interest to have a way for me to easily accommodate her own riding while also taking care of my own responsibilities. In a way it really is good he does not have a clue, but it is also pretty hard to do all of the work on my own.

    At any rate, I now have a much bigger appreciation for the contributions he does make!
    This is the tough part about being the custodial parent. Yes, it is a bigger PITA for you-- the carter-around-of-kiddo-- and it makes sense to have some of the kid-specific equipment subsidized by the other parent. For you, that's a 2-horse trailer. But for other divorced couples that can also be a house with more bedrooms, or a better location for access to better schools, or a larger/newer car that the lone adult would have otherwise bought for herself. Amirite?

    So anyone could see this as the OP confusing child support with alimony. But in practice and in so many situations, this is a regular problem. And IME, the non-custodial parent under-estimates the amount of "extra" parenting that the custodial parent is doing....no matter who posh the equipment. And all that day-in, day-out extra isn't compensated in any way.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat

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    • #42
      Originally posted by Wanderosa View Post

      In the US , child support is intended to smooth out dramatic gaps in the financial circumstances of the two households by reimbursing the custodial parent for funds spent on the child. The base needs of the child. Unless OP divorced Don Jr, a small trailer to "enhance" the show experience for the child isn't gonna be considered a need. Guess how many trailers this divorced mom owns? Zippo zilch.
      I disagree. Children of divorced couples get to live at whatever price-point their parents jointly can afford. Surely you don't mean that the son or daughter of a billionaire should lose the (presumed) access to thinks like a college savings fund or other enrichments because once their parents divorce, the law suggest that kids live at just above the poverty level. That makes no sense to me.
      The armchair saddler
      Politically Pro-Cat

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      • #43
        I don't know what to make of this post. As a daughter who's father was less supportive than I or my mother would have liked I am inclined to say figure it out OP. If you want a smaller trailer, figure it out. Your ex seems plenty supportive and from my perspective, as a child with divorced parents, you are being selfish and milking his generosity. My Mom wanted to provide me with horses and a barn. My Dad wanted no part. Guess what? My Mom figured it out. YOU want the trailer. It doesn't matter why. YOU want it. YOU figure it out. Or do what many parents do. Tell your kid it's not in the cards right now to do all the things.

        Comment


        • #44
          Originally posted by mvp View Post

          I disagree. Children of divorced couples get to live at whatever price-point their parents jointly can afford. Surely you don't mean that the son or daughter of a billionaire should lose the (presumed) access to thinks like a college savings fund or other enrichments because once their parents divorce, the law suggest that kids live at just above the poverty level. That makes no sense to me.
          I think you're misunderstanding me. Yes, child support is designed to even the playing field between the households somewhat. The cost of a trailer would not be built into that amount. If the custodial parent wishes to use a portion of the CS to buy a trailer, they're free to do so.

          I'm referring to myself when I say "this divorced mom".

          Comment


          • #45
            Originally posted by mvp View Post

            This is the tough part about being the custodial parent. Yes, it is a bigger PITA for you-- the carter-around-of-kiddo-- and it makes sense to have some of the kid-specific equipment subsidized by the other parent. For you, that's a 2-horse trailer. But for other divorced couples that can also be a house with more bedrooms, or a better location for access to better schools, or a larger/newer car that the lone adult would have otherwise bought for herself. Amirite?

            So anyone could see this as the OP confusing child support with alimony. But in practice and in so many situations, this is a regular problem. And IME, the non-custodial parent under-estimates the amount of "extra" parenting that the custodial parent is doing....no matter who posh the equipment. And all that day-in, day-out extra isn't compensated in any way.
            yes. This. 100%

            Comment


            • #46
              Child support is only for basic living expenses - things like the house, food, electricity, clothing, etc.

              Then there are all the extra expenses that come with kids. I don't think the OP is confusing the two things. It's up to each couple to work out how they handle the extras. The OP is lucky that her XH is willing to negotiate. Mine is too, to a point (but I never even considered asking him to pay for a trailer). It's his kid, and there's nothing wrong with him helping to fund her activities beyond basic living expenses. While I think it's really unusual to ask for a trailer, I also don't think anyone should be giving the OP a hard time about it. Obviously, the two of them found a way to work it out, and that's what's really best for the kid.

              Comment


              • #47
                Child support is regulated by state. I lived in MD when my first husband and I split, and you simply put your salary and his salary into a calculator. There are spots for "extra" things like child care, tuition, unusual recurring medical expenses, etc. But the calculator spit out what the noncustodial parent pays, and that is that. All the kids expenses are paid by the custodial parent. There was no horse trailer allocation, horse board, etc.

                It's nice when both parents are willing to step up to the plate and work together to fund a kid's expensive hobby. It's a sacrifice for both.

                I think we are arguing about whether the trailer is "for the child" or "for the convenience of Mom." Regardless, if I was not married I'd hunt down the ex, he seems like a good dad.
                "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."

                Comment


                • #48
                  Originally posted by ecpolo View Post

                  I could have boiled water on my own face after being accused of fleecing him for a darned trailer that will undoubtedly fry the transmission of my SUV in a few years.
                  if the towing vehicle does not have a towing package as standard equipment make sure there is a separate transmission cooler in place, if not it is an easy add on

                  also might have transmission services replacing fluid with synthetic transmission fluid which withstands heat better
                  Not responsible for typographical errors.

                  Comment


                  • #49
                    Originally posted by ecpolo View Post
                    Oh, to clarify it takes 6 horses per person to play a game of polo and generally people bring a spare or two. Just recieved a rather strangely-worded PM from someone who was not aware of this...

                    The standard operating procedure for polo is to keep all tack in the trailer, and most players have at least an 8 horse stock-style trailer.
                    Holy smokes. I had no idea. I see all the huge rigs driving through town in the summer and I assumed they were carrying the horses for an entire team!

                    On topic - as a single mom, I hate it when people "couldn't you just?" me. You know: Couldn't you just cram into a 1-bedroom apartment to save money?" (No. 99% of places here have strict occupancy limits) "Couldn't you get a second job stripping?" (Tempting. But i'm sure my ex would flip out in court about it. Among other things.) Buuuuuut...in this case, couldn't you just pick up a $2k bumper pull and call it a day?

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      Originally posted by mvp View Post

                      I disagree. Children of divorced couples get to live at whatever price-point their parents jointly can afford. Surely you don't mean that the son or daughter of a billionaire should lose the (presumed) access to thinks like a college savings fund or other enrichments because once their parents divorce, the law suggest that kids live at just above the poverty level. That makes no sense to me.
                      Having just done this myself, the college savings fund/college expenses are neither child support or maintenance (alimony). They have their own place in my divorce settlement, as do a variety of other things (like retirement, savings, property, etc.). Then there is monthly maintenance and child support; and the child support is pretty much set within the established guidelines for the state (there is a range, of course, but "the lifestyle" of the child is not really from the child support but from the maintenance.)

                      In situations where there are no other assets, a divorce might have only child support + maintenance. Doesn't sound like this is one of those situations, though.

                      If this was my child, I'd probably be expected to come up with the funds for the trailer from my own savings, my maintenance, or take out a loan. My divorce was pretty amicable but I think asking the ex to buy me a trailer would be unreasonable.

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        #51
                        Sorry yet again for abandoning the post, I was in the middle of nowhere all last week. Just to clarify, I do not receive alimony and I get the state minimum child support. That is what we worked out years ago and I am fine with it. We agree on almost everything and are both on board with splitting whatever it costs to support her school and activity needs. Luckily we can both afford to do that, and I realize that I am super fortunate in that regard. I was just having difficulties figuring out how to explain to a non-horse-person how much easier it would be to have a 2 horse now that kid is wanting to do more activities out on the road. Also, I was not wanting the fanciest one out there. Just something preferably new (I have had a lifetime of used trailer sagas), tall enough for any of the horses, and with a tack room that is relatively sealed off from the elements because her stuff will live in there year round. The one I found to be the best bang for the buck was a 2h stock slant with tack and water. Definitely not the Ritz Carlton, haha. The main factor for me asking him is that I didn't want her to miss out on anything because of me having to wait to get the smaller trailer due to my own horse dilemmas. We got it sorted out.

                        This has been really interesting to me and I appreciate all the varied viewpoints. I guess every divorce is different and there are about a million different ways things can go. Also, until this post I was worried she would not fit in. From what I have seen at the show barns I was actually worried she would be the rickety kid at the show, but I was just trying to make something work so she could attend. I guess it is all about perception, and she is lucky to have any horses/trailers/mom who rides to begin with. If you run into a tired-looking mom rolling solo with a kid on a craigslist pony or elderly OTTB with a roached mane at a schooling show, come say hello because I don't know many people out there!

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          Originally posted by right horse at the right time View Post
                          Things can change after many years of getting along-usually when a third party enters and wants to interfere and he's too much of a _____ to make smart decisions.
                          Hi, third party here *waves*. My form of interfering with my SO's arrangement with his kids is to teasingly needle him about a pony for his daughter (he says no, even though the pony would live with me board-free) and to offer my 2016 hatchback to the girl when she turns 16. He said no to that too because the ex "needs to supply something" because he is already giving the teen boy his truck when he turns 16. Shrug. Not all third parties are cray or want to interfere with financially supporting children in whatever way, and not all guys are too much of a ____ to make a good decision .

                          Originally posted by Wanderosa View Post

                          Holy smokes. I had no idea. I see all the huge rigs driving through town in the summer and I assumed they were carrying the horses for an entire team!

                          On topic - as a single mom, I hate it when people "couldn't you just?" me. You know: Couldn't you just cram into a 1-bedroom apartment to save money?" (No. 99% of places here have strict occupancy limits) "Couldn't you get a second job stripping?" (Tempting. But i'm sure my ex would flip out in court about it. Among other things.) Buuuuuut...in this case, couldn't you just pick up a $2k bumper pull and call it a day?
                          I was raised by a single mom, who made having horses work. I remember it being very hard at times, for many reasons. I do think that a less expensive 2h BP would suit well, but around here a $2k trailer belongs in a episode of Swamp People. There are definitely some to be had in the $6k range, and a monthly payment shouldn't be killer. I don't know if ecpolo posted her location or not, but if polo is a sport played, then I bet she might be in the same sort of area.
                          COTH's official mini-donk enabler

                          "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            #53
                            Originally posted by TheJenners View Post

                            Hi, third party here *waves*. My form of interfering with my SO's arrangement with his kids is to teasingly needle him about a pony for his daughter (he says no, even though the pony would live with me board-free) and to offer my 2016 hatchback to the girl when she turns 16. He said no to that too because the ex "needs to supply something" because he is already giving the teen boy his truck when he turns 16. Shrug. Not all third parties are cray or want to interfere with financially supporting children in whatever way, and not all guys are too much of a ____ to make a good decision .



                            I was raised by a single mom, who made having horses work. I remember it being very hard at times, for many reasons. I do think that a less expensive 2h BP would suit well, but around here a $2k trailer belongs in a episode of Swamp People. There are definitely some to be had in the $6k range, and a monthly payment shouldn't be killer. I don't know if ecpolo posted her location or not, but if polo is a sport played, then I bet she might be in the same sort of area.
                            Haha, you are my ultimate dream third party! I hope my ex finds one like you! I am cracking up about the Swamp People trailer. That is so true. The climate here does not lend towards longevity in any kind of vehicle, and I have been searching for a used 2h for what seems like forever. The only ones I can ever find are not much cheaper than the new one I found, and they are rusted to hell and filthy, need new tires, and must be bought with cash. That just doesn't make sense to me.

                            Comment


                            • #54
                              Originally posted by ecpolo View Post

                              Haha, you are my ultimate dream third party! I hope my ex finds one like you! I am cracking up about the Swamp People trailer. That is so true. The climate here does not lend towards longevity in any kind of vehicle, and I have been searching for a used 2h for what seems like forever. The only ones I can ever find are not much cheaper than the new one I found, and they are rusted to hell and filthy, need new tires, and must be bought with cash. That just doesn't make sense to me.
                              you can have a even a used trailer shipped in from elsewhere.... but what we talking about $15k new $10k used? .... if you have 8 polo ponies five grand is not much of a jump
                              Not responsible for typographical errors.

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                I live in (cough, cough) Middleburg. Can't think of too many places with a much higher cost of keeping equines than here. Maybe Palm Beach or Ocala? You can find a basic, used 2-horse bumper pull in decent shape for under $3k. I actually found a WB height one for $2k a couple years ago & had cash in hand until my friend pointed out that a shire that takes a 100" blanket could not fit on that trailer. Not even backwards.

                                You also need to consider what you'll do if you buy new with a $200 a month payment and the kid decides mid season ballet looks more fun than horses. Or if you get injured or lose a job and can't continue making payments. Consider looking at stock trailers. Light weight, cheaper, and most horses like them better anyway.

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  Originally posted by ecpolo View Post
                                  Sorry yet again for abandoning the post, I was in the middle of nowhere all last week. Just to clarify, I do not receive alimony and I get the state minimum child support. That is what we worked out years ago and I am fine with it. We agree on almost everything and are both on board with splitting whatever it costs to support her school and activity needs. Luckily we can both afford to do that, and I realize that I am super fortunate in that regard. I was just having difficulties figuring out how to explain to a non-horse-person how much easier it would be to have a 2 horse now that kid is wanting to do more activities out on the road. Also, I was not wanting the fanciest one out there. Just something preferably new (I have had a lifetime of used trailer sagas), tall enough for any of the horses, and with a tack room that is relatively sealed off from the elements because her stuff will live in there year round. The one I found to be the best bang for the buck was a 2h stock slant with tack and water. Definitely not the Ritz Carlton, haha. The main factor for me asking him is that I didn't want her to miss out on anything because of me having to wait to get the smaller trailer due to my own horse dilemmas. We got it sorted out.

                                  This has been really interesting to me and I appreciate all the varied viewpoints. I guess every divorce is different and there are about a million different ways things can go. Also, until this post I was worried she would not fit in. From what I have seen at the show barns I was actually worried she would be the rickety kid at the show, but I was just trying to make something work so she could attend. I guess it is all about perception, and she is lucky to have any horses/trailers/mom who rides to begin with. If you run into a tired-looking mom rolling solo with a kid on a craigslist pony or elderly OTTB with a roached mane at a schooling show, come say hello because I don't know many people out there!
                                  This is true. 100%. We went to state finals this weekend. My daughter didn't place in her classes. It's frustrating to come out empty handed when she really should have pinned in at least the eq because the pony just isn't fancy. But she won the Young Rider Award for 2018. We were thrilled. The pony was so excited to be at a fancy h/j show after all these years sporting braids and everything (!) that she smoked through the outside line in 4 strides

                                  Comment


                                  • #57
                                    Originally posted by TheJenners View Post

                                    Hi, third party here *waves*. My form of interfering with my SO's arrangement with his kids is to teasingly needle him about a pony for his daughter (he says no, even though the pony would live with me board-free) and to offer my 2016 hatchback to the girl when she turns 16. He said no to that too because the ex "needs to supply something" because he is already giving the teen boy his truck when he turns 16. Shrug. Not all third parties are cray or want to interfere with financially supporting children in whatever way, and not all guys are too much of a ____ to make a good decision .



                                    I was raised by a single mom, who made having horses work. I remember it being very hard at times, for many reasons. I do think that a less expensive 2h BP would suit well, but around here a $2k trailer belongs in a episode of Swamp People. There are definitely some to be had in the $6k range, and a monthly payment shouldn't be killer. I don't know if ecpolo posted her location or not, but if polo is a sport played, then I bet she might be in the same sort of area.
                                    Lol. As hard as I might try, I can't figure out any decent intention or point of your misplaced self-congratulatory response to me...and it would of course fall on deaf ears if I made any suggestions because you as not the mom but the fairly recent girlfriend of someone with kids have it all figured out...offering up cars and ponies and such and being told no...and not even recognizing the clues in your own words...

                                    but by all means feel free to rely on your vast experience as a Mom dealing with this type of situation to explain to me how this all works . *waves back atcha, rolling eyes.*

                                    (n=1).
                                    LarkspurCO: no horse's training is complete until it can calmly yet expressively perform GP in stadium filled w/chainsaw juggling zombies riding unicycles while flying monkeys w/bottle rockets...

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      Wow bitter Betty, reel back a bit. I wasn't attacking nor was I being glib. Nor am I a recent addition. But you do you.
                                      COTH's official mini-donk enabler

                                      "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        Originally posted by right horse at the right time View Post

                                        Lol. As hard as I might try, I can't figure out any decent intention or point of your misplaced self-congratulatory response to me...and it would of course fall on deaf ears if I made any suggestions because you as not the mom but the fairly recent girlfriend of someone with kids have it all figured out...offering up cars and ponies and such and being told no...and not even recognizing the clues in your own words...

                                        but by all means feel free to rely on your vast experience as a Mom dealing with this type of situation to explain to me how this all works . *waves back atcha, rolling eyes.*

                                        (n=1).
                                        I think her point was that not all ex's are ass----s and not all 3rd parties are "interfering." Maybe the OP can hope that her ex meets someone like theJenners.

                                        Things can change after many years of getting along-usually when a third party enters and wants to interfere and he's too much of a _____ to make smart decisions.
                                        To the OP; if there is no alimony/maintenance agreement it seems like asking the ex to buy you a trailer "for the daughter" is a pretty big request. I agree that your best bet would be to buy something smaller and used. I picked up a 2H Featherlite for $6K. It's pretty enough to haul in any company. I suppose if you and the ex are on extremely good terms you might ask him to go halves with you. Asking him to buy it seems like yes, you're trying to sneak something past him.

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          IDK - I think it's relative to the age of the child and the child's desire to be part of the competition world. Not Mom's desire for the child to not "miss out" on anything in the competition world because it's inconvenient for Mom to haul the big rig around. Mom's made it clear that she will be using the trailer for her own horses as well.

                                          Wanderosa made good points wrt what else can be done with $200 a month. I hauled kids around in an old trailer with hand me down craigslist ponies. Any extra money went into the college fund or my retirement account. Little bits of money that I put away years ago have worked very very hard to become much bigger bits of money and allowed my kids to graduate from college debt free. Being a single parent is hard, and your kids usually hang around long after age 18, which is when mandatory child support usually ends. Although my ex and I had an OK relationship, he contributed very very little once they turned 18.
                                          "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."

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