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My Rant Regarding Family, Work and Horses

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  • #61
    First, you need to use your words.
    Nobody is going to magically start cleaning up their socks f you do not use your words.

    If you are getting ready for bed and there is a mail pile on the counter you just cleaned or socks all over the bedroom, tell your husband, "Hey sweetie, can you organize the mail and tidy your socks before coming to bed? Thanks."

    If your 19 year old breaks the vaccuum, dont soend 3 hours fixing it, put it in his room and tell him it needs to be fixed or replaced by the end of the week.

    Second, if they do not start seeing things on their own, use your words and say, "I'd like you to take equal *initiatve* and see what you can do to contribute in keeping the house clean instead of always waiting to be asked."

    If your husband says he wants to go out to play golf on the weekend say sure but I hope you'll find 30 minutes of house clening to do before you go. While you are making your plans for the week, schedule in house cleaning times.

    My boyfriend communicates using his words. He is a little OCD about certain thing so one day he came out of the bathroom and was like, "Babe. The toothpaste. Can you not put it back in the cup with the top facing down, it's gross."
    Nnnneeeverrr would have occurred to me that it mattered, but now that I know it does, the toothpaste goes back the way he likes.
    On the other hand, he does *all* the dishes, bc he likes them done his way. It is hard for me to leave my plate for him to clean, but he asked for that arrangement, so I just leave plates and glasses by the sink. (Maybe OP there are some things you should just reserve for yourself if you have a particular way you like them done?)
    And if I say, "Hey, can we work on x project together before meeting our friends for brunch Sunday morning," or of he wants to bring the patio furniture in or out or dig a trench in the yard to run electric to the garage, we set aside the time and work on that before brunch.

    There's ways to approach everything as a team.
    The Noodlehttp://tiny.cc/NGKmT&http://tiny.cc/gioSA
    Jinxyhttp://tiny.cc/PIC798&http://tiny.cc/jinx364
    Boy Wonderhttp://tiny.cc/G9290
    The Hana is nuts! NUTS!!http://tinyurl.com/SOCRAZY

    Comment


    • #62
      Originally posted by Sansena View Post

      There comes a point, as the OP is saying, that too much is too much. I have an acquaintance that --after being married 10 years-- just three months ago STOPPED CUTTING HER HUSBAND'S STEAK UP FOR HIM.
      OP has a pit-bull pup that can cut that guys steak up for him

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #63
        Originally posted by HorseRookiefor1 View Post

        So, vent on. We have all been there!
        Yep. I think that is the great thing about finding your tribe.
        Sheilah

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          #64
          Originally posted by meupatdoes View Post
          First, you need to use your words.
          I wish words worked with my husband. But they don't. Case in point: the mail and his clothing. I can TELL him (using my teacher voice) to go through the teetering pile of mail that he has dropped on the table. Two step instruction. Go through the mail and sort it. I will leave the house and come back an hour later and find the mail NOT sorted, some of it all over the floor, and my husband is gone. When he returns he tells me that there was an advertisement that he thought a neighbor should see, so he walked over to give it to the neighbor and on his way back home he ran into another neighbor who told him about the cider that a local restaurant is giving away, so he decided to run into town real quick to get the cider, but when he passed the grocery store he remembered that he needed butter...

          Life with an unmedicated, adult ADHD person is like living with a dog who can't stop seeing squirrels. I have spent our entire life together (40 years in October) filling in the gaps and I am freaking exhausted. I want some freedom to do the things I love. But I also want my house to be reasonably clean and tidy. I just can't do it all.
          Sheilah

          Comment


          • #65
            Originally posted by IdahoRider View Post
            I wish words worked with my husband. But they don't. Case in point: the mail and his clothing. I can TELL him (using my teacher voice) to go through the teetering pile of mail that he has dropped on the table. Two step instruction. Go through the mail and sort it. I will leave the house and come back an hour later and find the mail NOT sorted, some of it all over the floor, and my husband is gone. When he returns he tells me that there was an advertisement that he thought a neighbor should see, so he walked over to give it to the neighbor and on his way back home he ran into another neighbor who told him about the cider that a local restaurant is giving away, so he decided to run into town real quick to get the cider, but when he passed the grocery store he remembered that he needed butter...

            Life with an unmedicated, adult ADHD person is like living with a dog who can't stop seeing squirrels. I have spent our entire life together (40 years in October) filling in the gaps and I am freaking exhausted. I want some freedom to do the things I love. But I also want my house to be reasonably clean and tidy. I just can't do it all.
            Sheilah
            Just curious, have you ever found the "Telling" a significant other to do something to be an approach that worked?

            I know that its the fastest way to NOT get something done with me (outside of life threatening emergencies) but your mileage may vary....

            Comment

            • Original Poster

              #66
              Originally posted by JayP View Post

              Just curious, have you ever found the "Telling" a significant other to do something to be an approach that worked?

              I know that its the fastest way to NOT get something done with me (outside of life threatening emergencies) but your mileage may vary....
              If I don't tell him, he will never notice. His mind jumps from one shining object to another. I am going to try using a dry erase board we have hanging up in the kitchen to remind them both that these are the things they need to do. It gives them a prompt that at least one of them needs, but also makes them accountable.
              Sheilah

              Comment


              • #67
                Late here but like someone else said, the dog needs toys to chew. Bullys are intelligent and when left with nothing to stimulate their brain will become destructive. Peanut butter stuffed Kongs are great as are raw soup bones, they keep our dogs busy for hours.

                My husband is similar to OPs. He will be in his recliner eating peanuts when I get home from work or the barn and there's a pile of laundry sitting there, nothing even taken out to defrost for dinner, house a mess, etc. The first thing out of his mouth is "what are we doing for dinner?" I've taken to correcting him to "you mean, what am I making for dinner, right?" I abhor the idea of them "helping" this is a partnership with equal responsibilities. He needs to get off his ass or spend less time dinking around with his toys and do his part. I'm still waiting for him to repair the drywall that's been damaged for the last 10 years or so or finish framing in the skylight - 20 years, and a bunch of other project. He's a drywall contractor for Pete's sake, it's not like it has to be hired out. He just. won't. do. it. If there's something that needs to be done in the yard or the dishwasher fixed or replaced I have to pay for it out of my personal account. It doesn't seem to bother him that the dishes don't get clean so if I want it done, I have to pay even though he makes more than I do and has plenty of money to go on a tuna fishing trip or motorcycling across the country for a month, while I stay home and take care of all the chores..

                Personal rant over.

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                • #68
                  Originally posted by IdahoRider View Post
                  If I don't tell him, he will never notice. His mind jumps from one shining object to another. I am going to try using a dry erase board we have hanging up in the kitchen to remind them both that these are the things they need to do. It gives them a prompt that at least one of them needs, but also makes them accountable.
                  Sheilah
                  Is it possible that the two of you just have a different perspective on priorities?

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    OP, I'm also married to someone with adult ADHD. Your description of the half-sorted mail and the trip to the neighbor, the other neighbor and the store is extremely familiar and relatable to me. In our household, my husband did not understand that this fractured focus was terribly draining for me and cumulative over the years.

                    I eventually looked up ADHD and asked him to read the symptoms...this helped. He finally got on medication and is much, much more helpful around the house now, and much more efficient at time management in general. He loses his wallet/ATM card and keys much less often. He's also less frustrated because now he can actually start something and finish it. Maybe meds or an ADHD coach (they exist!) for your husband would help y'all too.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      my position will be somewhere along the lines of Kick the dog out. give him 2 weeks to figure something out. that is his problem not yours.
                      After that he's placed with a rescue.

                      Your husband will not start cleaning and picking up. Hire it done.Get somebody in there every two weeks and quit washing his damn clothes.he'll figure it out. Same for the 19 yo. Buy him a cheap shop vac for his room and lock up the good one!

                      if DH comes to you and says hey what's going on it seem like things are different around here. Then is the time to use your words. I'm pretty comfortable betting on the notion that you have asked pleaded and asked and shown and asked and appreciated ask and thanke and he ain't doing a damn thing.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        OP, have you all ever tried counseling? Is there a reason he is not on ADHD meds? You obviously don't have to answer, and maybe both of those routes have been tried, but those are thoughts that popped into my head reading your latest posts.

                        This is not the same, but my husband has anxiety issues. He tried going off of his medication at one point and I was AMAZED at how hard he was to live with -- fortunately, he realized it too and went back on the medication. In his case, it helps him live the life he wants to live and we are both much happier. I'm so thankful he has that option to help him cope.

                        Just a thought! I'm sure it is frustrating for him to skip from one thing to the next like that (or maybe not lol) and I can only imagine how exhausted you are! So if nothing else, maybe suggesting therapy for the two of you will help him realize how serious you are about how tired you are of everything.

                        ETA: I hope I am not coming off as preachy. I saw the post a while back about your rant being turned into judgement by others. That's not my intent.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          As regards the mail. DH and I have a similar problem. My solution? A shredder and a big basket. Junk mail goes directly from the mail into the shredder. DH's mail goes in his basket. My mail goes on my desk. One pesky problem solved. Quick and easy if done every day.

                          Oh, and when DH opens his mail and leaves it all over? Back into the basket...
                          Not my monkeys, not my circus.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            My ex-husband has ADHD and was a lot like what you guys are describing. but even being single now,with lots of animals, i've come to realize that I cant keep my house and property as clean as i would like to and sometimes its just overwhelming all of the work, and animal care, in addition to my job. Sometimes I just prioritize riding and force myelf not to care about other stuff i should be doing or i would never ride at all!

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              My mail system is probably a little over the top, but I open and sort right over the recycle and garbage cans. I rip the address labels off, recycle what can be, and toss some. Then I take address labels, and other items with personal information and go right to the shredder. I have all of my bills electronically, so I don't have to worry about misdirected mail. Mail is very manageable if it is done the second it arrives. When mail gets piled up and only done occasionally it can be overwhelming.

                              A long time ago I worked with three packrats. One tossed her mail on the dining room table, and it only got done when she knew a bill was due, or when her mother came to visit. Her poor mother spent at least a day clearing off the table for her, and found checks that were years out of date, magazines that were years old, and a few pieces that weren't even hers.
                              You can't fix stupid-Ron White

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                This just came across my fb feed...

                                 

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  Originally posted by 16 Hands View Post
                                  Late here but like someone else said, the dog needs toys to chew. Bullys are intelligent and when left with nothing to stimulate their brain will become destructive. Peanut butter stuffed Kongs are great as are raw soup bones, they keep our dogs busy for hours.

                                  My husband is similar to OPs. He will be in his recliner eating peanuts when I get home from work or the barn and there's a pile of laundry sitting there, nothing even taken out to defrost for dinner, house a mess, etc. The first thing out of his mouth is "what are we doing for dinner?" I've taken to correcting him to "you mean, what am I making for dinner, right?" I abhor the idea of them "helping" this is a partnership with equal responsibilities. He needs to get off his ass or spend less time dinking around with his toys and do his part. I'm still waiting for him to repair the drywall that's been damaged for the last 10 years or so or finish framing in the skylight - 20 years, and a bunch of other project. He's a drywall contractor for Pete's sake, it's not like it has to be hired out. He just. won't. do. it. If there's something that needs to be done in the yard or the dishwasher fixed or replaced I have to pay for it out of my personal account. It doesn't seem to bother him that the dishes don't get clean so if I want it done, I have to pay even though he makes more than I do and has plenty of money to go on a tuna fishing trip or motorcycling across the country for a month, while I stay home and take care of all the chores..

                                  Personal rant over.
                                  i hope there was some redeeming quality that attracted you to this person.

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    Originally posted by IdahoRider View Post
                                    If I don't tell him, he will never notice. His mind jumps from one shining object to another. I am going to try using a dry erase board we have hanging up in the kitchen to remind them both that these are the things they need to do. It gives them a prompt that at least one of them needs, but also makes them accountable.
                                    Sheilah
                                    This is why I suggested counseling or therapy. You sound like you really love your husband and are devoted to him, but he is obviously a lot of work and it drains you. Maybe a professional who understands how your husband's brain works can help the both of you set up some kind of plan to live together a bit more harmoniously.
                                    "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him."

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #78
                                      Originally posted by 16 Hands View Post

                                      My husband is similar to OPs. He will be in his recliner eating peanuts when I get home from work or the barn and there's a pile of laundry sitting there, nothing even taken out to defrost for dinner, house a mess, etc.
                                      Yep. And there is true befuddlement at your frustration. It is like they are blind to some things. Literally blind.
                                      Sheilah
                                      P.S. If your ADHD partner ever says they will "get to it"? Don't believe them.

                                      Comment

                                      • Original Poster

                                        #79
                                        Originally posted by Palm Beach View Post
                                        This is why I suggested counseling or therapy.
                                        We have done counseling. It at least helped me understand why he was taking three or four baths a day: he loves to read and needed the sensory deprivation-like quality of the bathtub to actually focus enough to be able to read. So counseling helped in a big way.

                                        He can't be medicated. The drugs that were "safe" for him to take did not work and the drug that worked caused a relapse after being clean and sober for 26 years. So unfortunately, it is left up to just behavior modification. And after 55 years of living like this he can be defensive when it comes to reminders of what needs to be done.

                                        But he has a heart of gold and he is whip smart and he has been my best friend since we were 13 years old. I love him dearly. I just want him to pick up his feckking socks.
                                        Sheilah

                                        Comment


                                        • #80
                                          Originally posted by DancingArabian View Post
                                          Stop assuming the husband or the son are going to step up and do the chores. They're not, and will not. Tell them specifically what you need done, how, and in what timeframe. Specifically. The dog needs to be medicated or to go. It's not fair for your dogs to be locked up in their home because of this dog, and he's destroying everything anyway. The vet should be able to prescribe anti-anxiety medication. The oldest son needs to be there *at least* once a day, every day to take care of the dog. If he cannot, the dog needs to go.
                                          Lol, whut? They’re both grown up men. Absolutely assume that they can do the chores without being told. I can’t stand this thing where we women have to assume that all men are babies regardless of their age and they need to be told in specific written detail how to do things. They live in the house and they know what needs to be done. Stop babying them and doing their chores for them. They want clean clothes, food in the fridge and bills paid on time? They can do it just as well as OP can.

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