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My Rant Regarding Family, Work and Horses-UPDATE

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  • #81
    After reading this thread, I am so appreciative of my DH (who actually also has ADHD but thankfully can and does take medication for it)...

    Sharing a living space is never perfect or easy but at least he will cook a meal, does more dishes than I do, always always offers to help if I am the one making dinner, and knows how to pick up after himself (for the most part--I have decided that his desk is his to clutter up and even though it's in our living room I'll pretend it's not there; he does do a major clean-up of it every couple months at least).
    Building and Managing the Small Horse Farm:


    • #82
      Originally posted by IdahoRider View Post
      We have done counseling. It at least helped me understand why he was taking three or four baths a day: he loves to read and needed the sensory deprivation-like quality of the bathtub to actually focus enough to be able to read. So counseling helped in a big way.

      He can't be medicated. The drugs that were "safe" for him to take did not work and the drug that worked caused a relapse after being clean and sober for 26 years. So unfortunately, it is left up to just behavior modification. And after 55 years of living like this he can be defensive when it comes to reminders of what needs to be done.

      But he has a heart of gold and he is whip smart and he has been my best friend since we were 13 years old. I love him dearly. I just want him to pick up his feckking socks.
      Ugh, that stinks!

      The other day, I walked into our bedroom and promptly stepped on my husband's socks that were laying on the floor. I yelled "ARE THESE SOCKS CLEAN OR DIRTY" into the other room, and I could just feel him trying to formulate a response that somehow absolved him of the guilt of just throwing them in the doorway. Because, obviously, there is no right answer to the clean or dirty question if I'm tripping over them on the floor, right?!

      The thing is, he's actually said a few times that it really does make him feel better to pick up as he goes so he doesn't have to do one giant hour-long cleaning session, and how it really is so nice when the house stays tidy. So I can't figure out why he doesn't...pick up his fekking socks. lol

      Anyway, I saw a kitchen towel today that said something along the lines of "I love hugs and I love kisses, but what I REALLY want is help with the dishes!" If that doesn't directly speak to your rant situation, I don't know what does.


      • #83
        stepped on my husband's socks that were laying on the floor.
        need a service dog


        • #84
          Originally posted by clanter View Post
          That's what I need, a laundry picker-upper to clean up after my Golden Retriever who likes to carry clothes around the house and usually leaves them in the middle of the living room floor.

          Actually, I don't mind picking up after her. The work is well offset by the pleasure and amusement I get seeing her wandering around the house with a t-shirt in her mouth and her tail slowly wagging. And she's such a lady. She does not specialize in undergarments but seems to prefer things that are not embarrassing to find in the middle of a communal space. She has manners. It's funny too (and a good thing) that although she will demolish her own toys, she never damages anyone else's things. The only one who gets a dressing down (pun!) is the person who left clothing out on the bed or floor where she could reach the item.
          "Random capitAlization really Makes my day." -- AndNirina


          • #85
            I ask myself this one question on a regular basis..."between now and dead is this how I want to live"...then I make a decision how to go forward. I would tell the adult son he needs to get rid of the dog by October 1st. If he complains just tell him to figure it out. I would then hire a house keeper once a week.
            Humans dont mind duress, in fact they thrive on it. What they mind is not feeling necessary. Sebastian Junger


            • #86
              Originally posted by clanter View Post
              I wonder if I could train our existing dog to do that...might be a good project for the husband.


              • #87
                My ex would leave his dirty laundry anywhere he took it off. He had a difficult time locating the hamper. I got tired of asking and asking and demanding and then I finally said, this is your ultimatum. You either put your dirty clothing in the hamper or I throw it away.

                He went to work without any underwear or socks on a few weeks later and after that it wasn't an issue.


                • #88
                  OP - you are a great person who obviously is a natural cake-taker. However, your kids are not even minors anymore and really need to step up. Since expanding upon your hubby's history, it seems that he is the harder nut to crack as far as change goes, but your kids need to know that their behavior is unfair and is stressing you out.

                  You should be entering empty-nest zone here, not still cleaning up after a 19 year old. I'm sure he's a great guy, but its not the 1950s and girls don't like dating slobs who cant pick up after themselves. Do him a favor and give him one last parenting lesson of "this is how you survive on your own with out decaying into a health hazzard" - AKA cleaning 101 and have the live-in son start doing his fair share. Or he moves out.

                  Pitbull is older son's problem. You did your level best and tried taking care of the dog for this long, its not working out. HE has to find a different solution. It does not matter that you were a large dog owner/trainer before - you are at a different phase of your life and this does not fit!

                  I'm glad to hear that you are starting to prioritize your time for yourself. Remember that nothing can be poured out of an empty cup. We have to do things that we find fulfilling and recharge otherwise we have nothing to give back to other loved ones in our lives (including animals!)

                  If it helps - i have a dear husband I adore and I STILL love my time alone when it is just me and the kitties alone for the weekend, watching trash TV and staying up late eating kettle corn. Our "me time" is precious and you are right to fight for it.


                  • Original Poster

                    I feel so supported by you all! I truly appreciate all your responses.


                    • #90
                      My late father worked horribly long hours, and I didn't mind doing his laundry along with mine. However, he would take his socks off, and they were balled up in the hamper. Whoever did the laundry would either hang or fold everything, and put it on the dresser top (fortunately his was formica top). So I mentioned to unroll the socks, he ignored it, and I got sick of it. So I put them in the washer, and dryer that way. Guess how many times his socks were on the dresser in a ball, still wet, and some with soap powder in them? Yes, one time and the socks were nice and flat.

                      Get a hamper, and anything that doesn't end up in it goes. Especially if he tosses them in the living room. If your son does it, throw it in his room, and close the door. I bet when someone runs out of socks, and underwear (like enjoytheride did) then they will change. If either one likes no socks and underwear, then they can live with it. Unless they pay you to do their laundry.

                      You deserve better treatment, but you won't get it if you do everything for them. Take back your life, and have some fun. Life is too short to do everything for everybody else, and nothing fun for you.
                      You can't fix stupid-Ron White


                      • #91
                        Ah ... no real words of wisdom. It is hard. When I was married, my husband thought I would do all of the household chores even though we both worked busy lawyer jobs plus I commuted 90 miles each way to his 10. I would come home from work and he would be angry dinner wasn't on the table when he arrived home 2 hours before me. It was irrational. I told him I would do the dishes twice in a row and then he could do them once. I was doing twice as much as him, I thought it was a sweet deal for him. He thought it was a rotten deal, as he wanted to do nothing.

                        So... after a few times of him not taking his turn, I told him, turn 1, turn 2, now its over to you.

                        Of course he did not take his turn. Before long, every dish in the house was stacked up waiting to be washed ( or actually put in the dishwasher..). I would just hand wash what I needed for myself and then stick it back in the dirty stack. Husband started taking himself out to dinner at local eateries. Still no dishes washed. This went on for like 3 weeks.

                        Then one day I came home and the kitchen was spotless. Dishes done. Floor washed. Counters washed. All done by a grumpy hubby. He said he realized that I would ignore the mess forever, as messes do not bother me ( I find them easy to ignore) and he on the other hand was OCD and he finally couldn't take it any longer. From then on he was mostly pretty good about taking his turn.

                        The marriage did not last...

                        I think it is easier to go through life if you were fortunate enough to be born with a messy gene.
                        A canter is a cure for every evil. ~Benjamin Disraeli


                        • #92
                          Originally posted by enjoytheride View Post
                          My ex would leave his dirty laundry anywhere he took it off. He had a difficult time locating the hamper. I got tired of asking and asking and demanding and then I finally said, this is your ultimatum. You either put your dirty clothing in the hamper or I throw it away.

                          He went to work without any underwear or socks on a few weeks later and after that it wasn't an issue.
                          I love this.
                          A canter is a cure for every evil. ~Benjamin Disraeli


                          • #93
                            I'm sure he had some redeeming quality when I married him but as time goes on, I find it harder and harder to remember what that was.


                            • #94
                              That is so sad to read 16 hands.

                              When you come home to him on the couch and asks what for dinner. Have you tried telling him whatever it is he wants to make?
                              It is better to ride 5 minutes a day than it is to ride 35 minutes on a Sunday.


                              • #95
                                I have to say, my marriage was very much like those of yours who complain about a husband who does nothing around the house, and activity undoes what you do to clean/ tidy/ improve things.

                                I have no idea what happened or how the evolution is occurring, but I'm noticing lately there's been an improvement. Granted, I have to block the door to the garage with the 6 recycling bags, 2 pizza boxes and 3 amazon boxes that came while I was away for a month, but when I do, and he gets huffy because they're all "in his way", I tell him they need to out to the recycling area and lo and behold, it happens. Same thing with the dishwasher. Or the laundry. Or the bed linens being changed.

                                He will N.E.V.E.R. in a million years do anything on his own. He just won't. But if I say "Hey, I'll be home by 3 pm. I need you to swap out the laundry to the dryer, start the next load, and bring up the clean once it's dry", chances are, it'll get done. I might even get a bonus of my clothes folded and put on my dresser. If I ask about the trash (i.e.: "Tomorrow's a dump run day. I need you to go around the house, collect ALL the garbage, and put it in the back of the truck before you go to bed") it'll get done.

                                Now, granted, he HAS shrunk my favorite top/s, didn't realize the bag in th trash can needed to be replaced, makes me crazy by using the last of the paper towels and won't restock them on the tricky roller... but it has gotten better.

                                I had to realize he would never do something unless asked. And he's perfectly happy to live like a pig in his own filth. Until I point out how disgusting he's being and tell him specifically what he needs to do to return to normal society.

                                Again, only child, lonely mom who never allowed her son to do anything for himself because "he was her little prince".



                                • #96
                                  Sansena - can you just do your own laundry and leave his?


                                  • #97
                                    Originally posted by SuzieQNutter View Post
                                    That is so sad to read 16 hands.

                                    When you come home to him on the couch and asks what for dinner. Have you tried telling him whatever it is he wants to make?
                                    Oh yes, I do that too and get some flak. To be fair, he has recently started stepping up and started taking something out of the freezer (for me to make) while I'm my way home from the barn. He's starting to get out of horses but still has his own at home. He does understand my desire to event and even though he doesn't support me like attending or helping out, he doesn't stand in my way. Maybe because he knows I'd just run him down if he did.

                                    However, during the recession when I was the only one working he would still ask after he spent a day doing nothing "what are we doing for dinner?" I finally had a bellyfull and told him I don't want to hear those words come out of his mouth again while he was here not working.


                                    • #98
                                      So. Many. Things.......

                                      Dog: regardless of your experience, this dog needs training. Full stop. If you can't do it or don't want to (both OK), you need to contact a rescue group who can help place, foster or train him.

                                      I am the 2nd owner of a similar dog (excluding the house breaking good lord). I was his last shot. Having trained police dogs, I was able to get him on the right track with serious obedience and behavior modification (your dog is bored, ours was not socialized and aggressive). Point: you can find someone to help you out of this.

                                      Or get rid of him.

                                      Your 19 year old- put the mom foot DOWN. He broke the vacuum- he needs to fix the damn vacuum. Unfortunately you noticed it when he was gone. If he lives at home- then he needs to start contributing either financially or by actual (gasp) work. Any contribution can go to a cleaning lady when situation 1 (dog) is dealt with.

                                      Husband- you married him - now it's time for the wife foot: "I am going to ride. " and do it. Socks be damned.
                                      Come to the dark side, we have cookies


                                      • #99
                                        Originally posted by Pennywell Bay View Post
                                        So. Many. Things.......

                                        Dog: regardless of your experience, this dog needs training. Full stop. If your son can't do it or don't want to (both OK), your son need to contact a rescue group who can help place, foster or train him.

                                        I am the 2nd owner of a similar dog (excluding the house breaking good lord). I was his last shot. Having trained police dogs, I was able to get him on the right track with serious obedience and behavior modification (your sons dog is bored, ours was not socialized and aggressive). Point: your son can find someone to help your SON out of this.

                                        Or get rid of him.
                                        I agree PB,.... kinda'

                                        It seems to me to be a bit hypocritical that many are advocating tough love for the younger son and the husband... making them own their messes [literally]... while enabling the older son wrt the dog.
                                        I'm wondering if the older son is our [the COTH posters] favorite?
                                        Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014



                                        • Originally posted by Palm Beach View Post
                                          Sansena - can you just do your own laundry and leave his?
                                          Of course. And I do that as well on occasion. I've given up doing his work clothes because they're full of dirt I don't want mixed with mine. Only problem is, he'll leave things in the pockets that break the machine.

                                          But HE's the one who has to fix the machine, so even that has improved.

                                          I agree, going on strike is usually the first path in training these types.
                                          ETA, I used to get "But I don't know HOW to do laundry!!" and that flew exactly once after I showed him (he lived as a bachelor for a few years between his previous TWO marriages so I know it was BS).

                                          I said "Dude.. you were the director of project management for a major power gen company for decades and built stacks on 3 continents. I'm sorry you can't figure out the washer and dryer! You're on your own."